Struggling, big time.....

Old 07-29-2008, 02:48 PM
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I am brand new here . I have read about your plight and just have one question- what do you get out of all of this?
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Old 07-29-2008, 04:24 PM
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besides a lot of frustration , honestly, when she is around we have a great time. She has been the first women that was willing to live life at the extremes I do when it comes to outdoor activty that I have been with. The reality of it though is as she slips downward we have less and less of that. A sad fact that I am slowly coming to terms with. Still living in the past I guess hoping to get back to where we were (or better). Cognatively, I realize (more and more recently) that I have just an illuison of what once was Guess I am just a fighter by nature and have trouble quitting until every resource has been utilized and it is futile. Why I don't see this as futile is a mystery still. Maybe I am still fighting the fight for the fight and not the prize.... believe me, a lot of thought has been going into that question. I have also started counseling a while ago to explore that issue. Never had an issue like this until this particular women. There is an emotional dance going on that I have not quite figured out yet - much like any addict I guess, though my addiction is to a person.
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Old 07-30-2008, 06:05 AM
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I so understand what you are saying. I was married to a man whom lied and cheated for 7 years. I also fought for this marriage until I got so low that I asked God to get involved and show me what to do. It was later that very day I got the proof I needed to end it once and for all. That was in September 2005! I was overcome with a calm I had never known before. I spent the next year and 1/2 alone reading everything I could find of interest in the self help section of Borders Bookstore. The book that changed my life was Emotional Unavailability. It was in reading about all of the different types I found (to my shock and amazement) myself described in the last chapter!!!!! I could no longer deny it was me that was emotionally unavailable!!! My chin dropped and then I finally understood! This new self awareness has allowed me to drop my shield and find true love! He is in recovery for alcoholism and celebrated 2 years in march 08. He too spent 2005 in self discovery in AA. I now feel honored to witness the incredible miracles AA facilitates every single day. Wow! Who would have ever thought it? I wish you peace and hope in your struggles;-)
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Old 07-30-2008, 11:38 AM
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Thanks Sealover - do you happen to recall the Author?

Thanks to this place (and all of you people), I am focusing more on me (I was before too, but now I have a better understanding of the roles I was playing and especially the need to take care of myself). I never thought with the perspectives that have been mentioned here (or with the outside view you helped me see thru your own experiences or pointing out things about mine)and that has been transforming for me.

I know that emotions have always been difficult for me to express. She gets me to another level of emotional intensity (not always in a positive way) and maybe that is what I am seeking. A way to get to those emotions I usually can’t tap into. Just a thought, and I think that book will be good for me. It’s just always so easy to see the other persons faults instead – especially in this case when they are so blatant.
She came over last night and we spoke. Of course she had the excuse that I was upset so she didn’t call or come over. When I pointed out that I had been nothing but neutral or supportive over the last week she said she realized that. Now it’s up to me to be in better charge of myself and my action to better myself. The secondary effect of that will be her needing to “own” her responsibilities instead of placing them externally on me like she has up until this point.

Still the problem of her addiction looms overhead. She has all the excuses and reasons that she can’t stop. She doesn’t want to abandon her family, I’ll leave her and she’ll be alone, she can’t trust herself, she can’t let her boss know, she’s a lost case and beyond help. Of course her family, who all use, and enable her tell her NA is a waste and you need to do this or that. Meanwhile (as I told her) you are listening to them and not your counselor and I who don’t have drug issues and are more balanced people. Fact is we hear what we want to hear. I have encouraged her go on to the many sites available (or NA) to chat with other people who have been in probably very similar shoes and made the walk she is so fearful of. Talk to people who have had success, it can be done and thousands have.

So, for now my goal remains the same. Keep cool, collected, and non-reactive. Forge thru the withdrawals when she is not there or doing the right thing and NOT let her push my buttons!! I’m sure I’ll be back when I need a pep talk or to vent, but thanks again to everyone on these boards.
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Old 07-31-2008, 04:52 AM
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his name is Bryon Collins...you can find it by googling the name of the book. I found a copy for around $10 there, Less than I paid!!! It had some great things in it. I have passed on my copy but intend to purchase it again! Hoping it does for you what it did for me. You sound like an intelligent man who has a big heart. You deserve better and I hope you get to the point that you allow it!
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Old 07-31-2008, 12:43 PM
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Thanks for the info, and those words. I've heard them before, but they are starting to hit home finally, Thank you I appreciate that. They will ring in my head everytime I accept less than I should....
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Old 08-09-2008, 03:36 PM
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Off to buy that book right now. Well, this Friday night she called and the long and short of it was she decided to hang out with her family and do drugs rather than see me. I had only seen her once all week too. She texted me today and said she was "sorry" she wouldn't be there tonight either, but could she "come home" Sunday?

I kept my cool Friday night and simply said "ok, good night". Of course I want to see her and usually my response is to just say "yes" when she finally offers to come over. My response this time is going to be different. I plan on telling her this:

"I love you, and at this point had hoped we'd be living together, maybe even engaged. You are very important to me, and I want to support you but your priorites seem to be elsewhere. Since you have made the drugs and your family the priority most of the weekend you should just remain with them. I would prefer not see you this weekend at all. Maybe during the week?

Too harsh? Too much, not enough? I know I should just say "call me when your ready to go to a NA meeting" but I haven't the strength yet to follow thru if she doesn't. Thoughts? Support ? Encouragement?
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Old 08-09-2008, 05:59 PM
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Well I ended up just saying "No, I love you, I miss you, and you are very important to me, but I do not want to be your second choice at the end of the weekend. I thought we would be living together, maybe engaged by now. Not communicating by text and seeing one another 1 or 2 times per week."

I've said "I don't want" this or that in the past, and then just went along accepting it because nothing changed (not even the empty promises from her assuring me it would be different). This time I choose carefully, a small time period and stood (will stand) my ground. "Nothing changes, if nothing changes".
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Old 08-09-2008, 08:26 PM
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So why do I feel guilty now? Like she was reaching out to me and I just shut the door? Maybe I should have just let her come over......
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