Ann

You are reading from the book The Language of Letting Go

Making It Happen

Stop trying so hard to make it happen.

Stop doing so much, if doing so much is wearing you out or not achieving the desired results. Stop thinking so much and so hard about it. Stop worrying so about it. Stop trying to force, to manipulate, to coerce, or to make it happen.

Making things happen is controlling. We can take positive action to help things happen. We can do our part. But many of us do much more than our part. We overstep the boundaries from caring and doing our part into controlling, caretaking, and coercing.

Controlling is self-defeating. It doesn't work. By overextending ourselves to make something happen, we may actually be stopping it from happening.

Do your part in relaxed, peaceful harmony. Then let it go. Just let it go. Force yourself to let it go, if necessary. "Act as if." Put as much energy into letting go as you have into trying to control. You'll get much better results.

It may not happen. It may not happen the way we wanted it to and hoped it would. But our controlling wouldn't have made it happen either.

Learn to let things happen because that's what they'll do anyway. And while we're waiting to see what happens, we'll be happier and so will those around us.

Today, I will stop forcing things to happen. Instead, I will allow things to happen naturally. If I catch myself trying to force events or control people, I will stop and figure out a way to detach.

From The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie ©1990, Hazelden Foundation.

rozied

Thanx Ann.

imallright

I have hard time understanding the difference between letting go and letting things happen and feeling like I am not taking some type of responsibility for what happens to me and around me. I struggle with is it controlling or just taking responsibility. Ideas about the "how" and also examples of the difference.

Thanks!

Ann

For me the difference is that letting go is about that which I don't own...other people's behaviours, thoughts, values, choices. It is an illusion to think I have any control over these things.

Letting life happen, to me, means doing my best to be the best person I know how to be, even with my shortcomings, and then letting life fall into place however it may happen.

I cannot control what others do, even when what they do affects me. What I can do is set my personal boundaries as to what is acceptable in my life and what is not. I can act in good thought (which is a refection of me and my values) rather than "react" to them, which is a reflection of their bad behaviour or choices.

Protecting myself, caring for myself, and being true to myself are all ways to assure that my side of the street is clean and that my day will be healthy and safe.

Just my thoughts on this, it's what works for me.

Hugs

Kathy123

Thanks, Ann for sharing from this book. The Language of Letting Go is an excellent. I can't stand when I "react" to even the most subtle phrase or action. Old patterns die hard. Being new to recovery, I feel like I have to reprogram my brain. I know I am a strong person but why are my thoughts and feelings so contingent on my AH's every whim or mood????? UGh. I can have good day even if he is not?

patchoulli

Good Morning Ann...you described it perfectly...thank you

BBD

Thank you Ann~~I enjoy reading posts like that so I can learn and "think" about my day ahead..Smiles, Bonnie

BayAreaPhoenix

Thanks Ann! I actually did this last week with a friend. I pointed out what I saw as an obstacle in his "future" - but offered no advice. I had no need to participate in his thought process of how to "fix", if he indeed wanted to fix anything. This is such a difficult, yet satisfying thing - I needed the reminder!

You're the best!

itisatruth

How I needed to hear this today -- thanks.

Letting go is still hard, but I'm getting better.

IPT

Another thanks Ann, your words and personal perspective are helping me (and obviously others) figure all this out. I am way new here, and to say that I am struggling with figuring out this mess would be an understatement. I have my ego and self worth WAY to wrapped up in my g/fs actions, or lack thereof.

The key point you made for me was "even when what they do affects me". Consciously I know I can't control her but I keep trusting her. Then I react when she doesn't follow thru. Addicted or not, I struggle understanding (or maybe comprehending) that when she decides to do drugs and not show that she is not aware it will hurt me. Then I feel hurt, and like I wasted my time and could have been doing something else. Then she says she "didn't mean" to hurt me, and that I am "very important" to her. What a contradicition!

I am afraid of her not following thru so I make her commit and I guess try and control the situation. I get upset and hurt when she changes plans at the last min, always to my exclusion. My goal for now is to try and not "react" when she cancells or doesn't follow thru. Just say "okay" and get on with my life. I guess my fear is that she will just drift further and further away. I fight to try and stop that, instead I am in a constant wax and waning situation that drives me mad. I guess that is the whole point, let go, - if it is going to work they will step up to the plate. No action or reaction we take will make that happen faster or even at all. It may even be delaying the process.

I can write it, I am just not so sure I really realize it or accept it yet. From reading here and elswhere though the best thing I can do is move away and let her act without my pressures. Sorry for rambling, didn't mean to get of course. Just felt like "talking" out loud. Thanks for listening.