Alaia

ok...so my abf well ex to be exact shows up at my door straight from detox last night. I had no idea he was going to be there. I told him he couldn't stay. He has nowhere else to go. We got in the car and I was driving him back to the train station. While we were in the car he begged me to let him stay. He wants to stay clean, go to meetings and get a new sponsor. He said this detox was the worst, but he stayed because he wants to be clean. He promised he would go to meetings everyday, look for a job, ect. We went to a meeting together last night. He participated, asked questions, even shared...so it looks like he is trying. The people were so helpful and came up to him at the end. I told him he can stay for now, but he needs to be doing all the things he said and that if I don't feel he is, then he is going to have to leave. I am firm in that. if I don't like what I see, then he's out. I don't know why I feel that I owe him another chance. I don't need him in my life. He claims to have hit his rock bottom and wants to get help and stay clean. I don't know what made me tell him to get back into the car last night, but I hope he can stick to it. The smallest mishap and he's on the street. Maybe he will finally clean up his act.

Spiritual Seeker

Good luck with your decision.
You surely know to Keep your valuables, wallet, etc. away and
locked up to protect yourself.
Trust your gut, not his words.

MsPINKAcres

Please keep taking good care of you -

It has been my experience that the A's in my life have made those same promises many times - sometimes they have been followed up with supporting actions, sometimes they have not.

I have always been given the suggestions to base my decisions on a person's long-term actions, not on one days events or intentions.

Praying for God's best for you and your BF,
Rita

laurie6781

I Have to SECOND Spiritual Seeker on this one. Just sounds like a lot of 'hot air' on his part. His ACTIONS not his words will show his true inclination.

Oh and btw it is not up to you to 'take' him to meetings. His RESPONSIBILITY to get to meetings. Hmmmmmmmmmmmm guess he'll have to get some phone numbers and call folks for rides.

Japico said it. Couldn't have said it better myself.

This is the time now to TAKE CARE OF YOU. His RECOVERY his RESPONSIBILITY.

Please keep posting and let us know how YOU are doing, we do care very much!

Love and hugs,

Alaia

I know I don't have to take him to meetings. He asked me to go with him. I have gone to some of them with him in the past. I didn't have to go, but I said yes because he asked me to go with him. He has his own car as well. But thank you for your concern. I appreciate it

I know I need to take care of me. I am working on it. I got some books and might check out an alanon meeting.

I guess I am just trying to help him. If he is serious (which he says he is...but could be lying) he wants help. I don't owe him anything, but I think I should give him a chance. If I don't like what I see, then he's out. That's that. and the goods are locked up @ my office @ work :-)

laurie6781

Sorry to say this but you CAN'T help him. This is something he has to do on his own. Find a path of recovery for HIM. Find a sponsor if that is the route he chooses to go. Work on himself.

Again, his ACTIONS will tell you what his goals are.

No one, and I mean NO ONE could help me, and Lord knows many tried, parent, husband, sister, friends, close friends, Doctors.

As Ann said in another post, (paraphrasing here) if we could help and our love would cure them NONE OF US WOULD BE HERE.

We have a smilie here:

:codiepolice

Says it all sadly.

Love and hugs,

Alaia

I am reading it, and listening to the advice. I know I made a risky decision. Hopefully the outcome will be a good one. I am preparing myself also if it dose not. I am going to stick to my guns and kick him out if he doesn't hold up his end of the bargin. I believe that he wants to be clean...so therefore I am giving him this last chance to help himself. He made a friend at his meetings and is going to ask him to be his sponser today. This guy kinda took my bf under his wing last night...which is what he needs. He called some people that gave him their numbers monday night. He's on the right path...I just hope he can stay there. He's not doing it for me...he's doing it for him. We can work on us later, is what i told him. He needs to work on himself, and he agreed. He also signed up for mass health and is going to try and get in an intensive outpacient program and try to see a thearpist as well. I am keeping my fingers crossed, but watching my back @ the same time. I got that book codependent no more...it has been somewhat helpful and I am going to go to some alanon meetings too, there are no naranon ones near me :-(

Impurrfect

(((Alaia))

As a recovering addict AND recovering codie, I see both sides.

Although I do agree with the above...look for actions, take care of YOU and let him work on him...I also understand giving him another chance. It's an individual decision and one only you can make. Al-anon meetings will work just fine. The more support YOU have, the better off you will be no matter what happens.

I gave a million "one more chances" too many to the A's in my life, but I learned a little more each time. Keep your focus on you. If he's serious and wants recovery..GREAT! If he doesn't, you know a lot more than you did before, and you will be okay.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

Abundance

Alaia!!!!!!!! WOW....... you are doing well in your recovery.... definitely making head way! You have your boundaries in order!

Remember we are here for you all the time, and most importantly when / if you start questioning those boundaries.

I'm really so very happy for you..... the best thing now is to continue down your road of recovery..... cause like Amy said.... either way... it's going to help you!!!!!!

You've done and are doing good!!!!

Alaia

Thank you so much :-) Codependent no more has helped and so has everyone here. I am glad there is a site like this. :-)