IPT

OK, I'm pretty new here and getting a crash course. The short of it is my g/f is a Pot addict and codependant with her mom (who she happens to smoke with). 2 wks ago she came over saying she quit, wasn't gonna see her mom and we had a great - 4 days - then she went to her moms. My fault, I went off about not being able to trust her, no follow thru, etc, etc. Didn't see her for days. This Friday night she came over, same words. LAst week she got a NA meeting list from her counsuller. Told me her mom is in denial and she will be on her own, can't be near her to succed. I agreed and told her it's be hard but I would be there to do other activities. According to her when she is with me she doesn't usually think about using.

Well this AM she calls, all is well, she wants to go for a bike ride after work. Then I get a text a little before I leave work, she's not feeling well and won't be over right away. I thought she was still at work so called there. Apparently she left after lunch and never came back because she was "sick" (a semi regular occurance for her). I text her that she can stay at my house if she''s sick, no reply. I was prettys ure I knew where she was and I swung by her moms. Sure enough there was her car.

I kept it in check though, no crazy phone calls, texts, nothing in fact. In fact sadly enough (or maybe it's a good thing) I really wasn;t suprised because I was pretty sure that's what I'd see. She knows what she needs to do, and each week verbalizes a little more deeply about her thoughts and fears. Especially how does she tell her mom that she can no longer be around her because she is a bad infulence and she can't quit due to her moms enabling. I feel like she is right on the edge and don't want to do something stupid to stop her taking the final steps to help.

So now what? What do I say when we talk? Should I ask what she did or is that just trapping her to lie? I know my getting angry just gives her somewhere else to place the blame besides herself. At the same time I am tired of her making plans with me and cancelling (at least now she tells m e, she used to just no show, no call). I might as well be single. I hate that she see's her mom more than me, and even worse is probably using if she's there. Of course I have no right to be mad if she sees her mom, do I? How would you handle this one? Any words of wisdom for me?

Cathy31

I am not experienced in this, but I am sorry for your pain and frustration> I would recommend al-anon for you that can give you the tools to deal with this, detach with love I think it's called? I'm sure someone moer experienced will be along soon. For me, being involved with an alcoholic who still uses couple of times a week, I think what makes me not throw inthe towel is that he is 'honest' about his using...maybe that's me enabling I don't know, but it makes it more palateable. Lying about using and disappearing, I think that's a deal breaker for me.

Cathy31
x

Ann

She knows, and sadly she won`t do it until the pain of using becomes greater than the fear of stopping.

How about you. We usually know what we need to do as well, but sometimes we can be slow to begin...I know I was.

If you can find a meeting in your area, Alanon, Naranon or Coda are three similar and wonderful programs, it might be a good start for you to do what you need to do to take care of yourself.

Until I found meetings and learned to work a program that helped me regain my balance, I was codie detective every day...checking and investigating and calling and trying to get one step ahead of addiction. I never worked for me, not once, it just left me feeling even more despair.

Glad you joined us and hope you`ll stick around and walk with us a while. We`re happy to share our light until you are able to find your own again soon.

Hugs

eaglesgirl

I think it all goes to motive and what you are hoping to achieve....

When I make a decision on what I need for my safety and well being, and for the safety and emotional well-being of my children, that is one thing.

If I make a decision in attempt to change someone else's behavior; than that is controlling.

Sometimes a decision can be seen as either - and it depends on WHY you made it. Again, this is my opinion.

My sponsor once asked me a really good question when I was going on about asking questions, knowing that I was going to be lied to... "How is that workin' for ya?"

imallright

I know it's hard, but put the focus back on you and let go. Do what you want to do, find something to do that doesn't involve her. You can't fix her problem, but you will drive yourself crazy trying to make it better. I know from what I speak.

It is such a shame to watch someone do this to her life, but remember this addiction is an illness.... and IMO, a choice as well. You too can choose. I know you would like to choose her... when she free from addiction... but that may not be possible. So, in the meantime, be kind to yourself, get out, be with others, talk here... go to meetings, find the love and support you need and want.

IPT

Thanks for all the replys. Yeah, the focus is back on me. I am pretty detached at this point. Need to be to not be hurt. Seems like a pretty unfulfilling way to have a relationship though. Can't have expectations or look forward to things, no trust and often no follow thru. I guess that's where people decide that they need to just take care of themselves and move on to someone healthier that can meet their needs. Sad, but I am not the first to be here and sadly probably won't be the last. I guess everyone has their own breaking point for how long they wait for the other to "get it together".