BBD

I am becoming so envious of my friends and their families. My husband just retired from teaching and we have always been invited to graduation parties. This year has been extremely hard for me to attend with a smile on my face. The last two parties have almost brought me to tears. I love my friends dearly and their children have been like my own. But having my addicted son an hour away from us~~~with hardly any communication is just about killing me. I know he needs his space but I keep thinking he has relapsed. Why can't I be positive about this. Why am I comparing families I love to us~~~ I have been in counciling for over a year and apparently I just don't get it. I have stopped my enabling, Chris is trying ~~and I can't believe him at all....... I guess I fool myself when I say "Let Go and Let God!!!! cause I seem to always be back to square one. I'm just rambling but thanks for listening. I'll go have a good cry now and wake up and resume life again tomorrow......Bonnie

imallright

Go easy on yourself. You can't always be up and positive.... you are dealing with very tough, heart wrenching stuff. Take it one step at a time and don't beat yourself up... you are strong and deserve a break. I am thinking of you... and praying that you get a good night's sleep. Look forward to tomorrow.

BBD

Hi imalright, Maybe we connected before but I notice your from upsate NY also. I have a feeling your more UPSTATE thou. Thanks for the kind words. Wish you were close so we could share morning coffee......hugs

Chino

Maybe try asking yourself a different question? I've stopped asking why and started asking what. What can I find to be positive about? It helps me move forward and I hope it helps you too. Prayers for your serenity.

CatsPajamas

I remember when my son was lost to me for awhile. I had to remind myself many times a day that "my son has some important life lessons to learn and they aren't from me". I even got to the point when I could say that when friends would ask where he was or how he was etc etc. It was a complete statement, very few asked questions. If someone DID choose to continue the conversation, they most likely had some experience with what we were going thru.... often a good recovery conversation took place.

Hugs from mom to mom

itisatruth

I'm in Ca. but I want to share coffee too.....

Seriously though, imallright is right.....you have been through a lot, take it one day at a time, and go easy on yourself -- your feelings are normal, you want to make sense of things, but because of the nature of addiction, things won't always make sense. Its what we do with what we can change that will make the difference.

Sending hugs, take care of yourself....

sleepygoat

Even when we have stopped enabling and have turned our kids over to God, that doesn't mean we have immunity from feelings. It's painful to see/hear about other children that reach milestones ours have not reached. Recovery, I have been told, is not about the absence of feelings or about feeling good all the time. That's what I always wanted when I myself was getting high and using - to either feel good all the time or to not feel anything at all. this isn't the goal and it's not life on life's terms. Sometimes I need to have a good cry and go to bed too!

Spiritual Seeker

((((((((Bonnie))))))))
Many Sons and daughters often do get busy with their own lives and then reconnect with their parents when they get a little older. We worry because we know that alienation can also mean our sons have returned to drugging.
keep the faith that your son will be alright.
We can never worry our way out of anything.

our sons may not be taking a traditional path...but they can still turn out well in their own time. I have to believe this.

imallright

Coffee is on, friends. Enjoy! Hope you had a good night's sleep BBD. Hopefully, thinkgs will look better for all of us today!

pjbs55

BBD,
I too know how you feel. It has been three years this week since I spoke or saw my son. I have turned it over to God, and pray for him everyday. I still have days when I cry over him, I think he is in recovery. We are moms first and mothers of addicts second. As moms we never stop loving or worrying about them, as mothers we love them but hate the addiction.
Take it easy on yourself, and remember the good things about your son. Talk to your HP and ask him to protect your son.
Praying that you hear from your son when he is strong enough and well enough.
If taking it one day at a time is to much take it one minute at a time. You will see them start to add up to days in a matter of time.
Hugs coming to you from another mom.

BBD

Jeepers~~Can't we have a moms getogether!!! I have absolutely noone I can talk to except the women in alanon. I guess I had better get my rear in gear and reach out to some of them. I can smell the coffee "alright" and it sure does smell good. I'm going to wrk on a more positive attitude today and know theres nothing I can do and this "pity-party" isn't much fun......Smiles, Bonnie

cece

(((((BBD)))))

I can relate to so many of your feelings. It is bittersweet to watch other's sons and daughters going through milestones we looked forward to with our own children. It can just plainly HURT. There is not way around it sometimes. It took me a while to understand that nowhere in my program does it say that it will stop hurting if I follow the steps. I will still feel both the good and bad, but I react to it differently.
I still have to fight that feeling of failure. "If I can't do this right all the time then I haven't learned anything and I have failed in my program and have found another way to feel like a failure as a parent." ( yikes!) This just isn't true. The love you feel for your child will always affect your initial feelings when you are confronted with an issue. Sometimes my reaction is healthy immediately, and sometimes it takes awhile to kick in, but once you have the tools they are always there in the back of your mind nagging you to get back in healthy mode.
so be good to yourself and know you are doing the best you can at that moment.
Cathy

BBD

Pjbs55~~~~When I read something like you posted (3 years and not seeing your son)) I feel like a whiner on here. I'm so sorry he has stayed away that long. It seems I learn something new on here every day and wish I could reach out and have groups hugs.....

katie44

Oh dear how many times I have had the same feelings. We to have attended other families graduation parties. I just attended my daughters. As I saw all the young men and women walking down the stairs with there caps and gowns i had a huge lump in my throat. All I could think was they are all venturing in to bigger and better things. My AS is a dug addict and the only thing now that I hope and pray for is for him to get clean. We never stop loving them, nor do we stop being there mothers. It is so hard and only the parent of an addict can truly understand all the feelings that go with it. Sometimes I think it is like living on a rollercoaster. (((( hugs))))

BBD

Your right katie~~~and I'm not to fond of rollercoasters. With the wisdom of some of the people on here we will learn to get it right and be strong.....hugs, Bonnie

hope213

i had to take the baby steps with my son. today i am where i never thought i would be. today i do slip & sometimes i fall but i always get up stronger. there is love for our addict children if they are using of not. when my son was younger i would see a boy on a bike or driving a car & would i think i wish my son could be doing that. i went to my grand daughters (addict sons child) graduation this yr & wanted my son sitting by me so bad. he was arrested 2 weeks before she walked the stage. it is hard to let go but i know that is the only way I can be happy. one day at a time will get you there. hugs & prayers,

BBD

I'm so sorry you have to go through this Hope. It's just so darn sad and there's nothing we can do. Thats the hard part for me cause I AM a fixer. I do know that I can't fix this situation and its getting easier for me to step aside. I even have to stop thinking about Chris at times. Everytime the phone rings I'm hoping its him just calling to say "hi"......but somewhere deep inside me I feel like somethings wrong and he's just keeping me out of it for now. Thats a good thing on his part and hopefully someday he can recovery and be happy....but for now I am stepping aside to see how long he can go without calling his dad or me. We have stood by him for years and I do feel its time for him to contact us. I'm being really stubborn but thats the way it is....big hugs, Bonnie

krhea75

Hey BBD,
thanks for starting this post. I know you were/are in pain, but you have voiced what so many of us feel. My son should have graduated this year; he got his ged while in rehab. It was tough during graduation, especially because I'm a high school teacher and I watch my seniors walk down that aisle every year. Some do well, some don't. It is a mile marker that we have built up in our society to indicate success. however I know that it isn't the only thing that does this. I guess it is human nature to compare ourselves to others, but I keep reminding myself that every situation/person is different. If you think their lives are ideal, it's probably just because you don't know them that well. Not that I'm wishing bad things on other people so I can feel better. It's just that we idealize others.

I guess the best thing we can do is get the focus back onto our own recovery. Understand our own dreams and disappointments, give ourselves a break for feeling sad and then keep going, moving on one step at a time
krhea

greeteachday

Sending you hugs Bonnie and thoughts for bright days and smiles

beegee

BBD,
You get it your just having mom pains like I am sure we all do. How can you not wonder what he is doing, if he is ok, why doesn't he call. I think that is in our blood. But being our kids are special we have to bite the bullet more often.
I would have coffee with you but I am in Fl but I know how you feel. Naranon is my family once a week, SR is here when I can get on and you too. Have some choclate and a good cry and go back to one day at a time. (((hugs))))