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I think I am confused, scared.

Old 07-20-2008, 06:41 AM
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Question I think I am confused, scared.

I have been muddeling around the last two weeks halfway in tears, some anger and definitly depression and uncertain about everything now.

Last week I went to a meeting at rehab with AD councelor and my other daughter. This was quite emotional as she expressed feelings for the first time in her life. Said she never experienced this before and she was crying. I mean she doesn't cry not ever. She once said she had no heart and this is pretty good picture of her inside. So out comes all these emotions and tears and sorrys and apologies which she said were not going to change anything she has done to me but she truly felt pain for others. Spoke of her sister and her triggers and how she wanted so much to stay away from the drugs so she didn't end up like some of her new friends there. It really seemed to scare her.

As a mom I am amazed that someone broke through this wall of stone she has around her.So many years of keeping it all inside with her. I just assumed she was like her Dad. She gets angry easy and this will be the tough one to deal with I believe as far as a trigger.

Ok, so now I have a friend that I have been talking to and she had after all these years confided in me that her son was an addict also. I am so happy with my daughters progress yet I am leary as to everything I have read here and hear at meetings about relapses. But...I think I am not closed minded that I know the possibilities are great for relapse but they also could work out good also without one.
So in my joy of seeing how much AD has opened up to everything and I am getting excited about her comming home the end of the month my friend on the phone yesterday tells me that I better prepare for the worst and don't think she won't relapse because she will again and again. My heart sort of sank listening to her. I said did you son relapse Yes she said several times and she went on talking about relapses. I think I was almost angry inside because I felt like she was way over the fence trying to convince me of a or a few relapses. Like I know she is trying to protect me but my eyes are not shut here but of course I am hoping for a good story. I just feel like she took away my happy thoughts with too much gloom. And even though I kept saying yes, I understand it can happen she seemed to be insistant that it would happen. I don't think I am in denial because I am hopeful.
So I have been walking around here feeling all these things and tending to look now to what she said instead of feeling better about everything and hopeful it may work. I know she didn't mean to pull me down but she did. Am I wrong to think this could work maybe? I mean I am questioning my own common sense now.
I saw AD yesterday I drove up and it was so good to see her and see her smiling and perky. She told me she was happy I was going to meetings and maybe we could go together and she had a lot to learn and I said so do I and we laughed. Then she started to cry saying again she has done so many horrible things to me she didn't know how I could love her and somehow she was going to try and make it up to me, And I just grabbed her and hugged her and assured her I would always love her just sometimes I didn't like her. We laughed and she said I can't wait to get home but I will miss somethings here. I just want to be able to talk with you and tell you so much. Wow to me that was like winning the lotto! Then on the drive home my friends conversation crept back into my feelings and I started crying and feeling crappy about relapse was inevidiable.
I am having a hard time with now because it is like condeming a person to death befor he is guilty and I want to think it is possible to pull through rather then not. I need some help with this and if I should say anything to my friend how she brought me down so much...

Last edited by beegee; 07-20-2008 at 06:45 AM. Reason: spelling
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Old 07-20-2008, 06:52 AM
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(((BeeGee))) - loving and addict, is certainly full of uncertainty. Yes, there is a chance of relapse(s). But there is just as much a chance of NO relapses. It sounds like this friend is a bit bitter. I'm sure it is hard for her to hear of your daughter doing really well, and knowing her son has relapsed several times.

Put your focus back on today. Today she is clean and working at recovery. None of us knows what tomorrow will bring. I tend to "hope for the best, prepare for the worst". You know she is not "cured", but you also know of addicts who are thriving in recovery.

Don't put too much on what she said. When someone tries to tell me something bad's going to happen in the future, I tell them "well, if it does, I will deal with it then" and then change the conversation. You and your daughter are both working on your recoveries. Today is a good day....enjoy it!

Hugs and prayers!

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Old 07-20-2008, 07:52 AM
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Thats the key, Live life one day at a time. Animals and children live only in the present & thats why they are so happy.
Yesterday is gone & the only thing it is good for is to learn from our mistakes. Tomorrow is unborn & only a vision. It is what is happening today the makes life worth living, and if we do our best today hopefully tomorrow will be better.
Be happy your daughter is doing well.
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Old 07-20-2008, 08:18 AM
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I will say the same thing, "Live in today but remember the lessons of yesterday." Yes you must be prepared in case of a relapse but that does not mean that you can't be grateful for what is happening today. There definitely are no guarantees with addiction. Your daughter may never relapse and if you are sitting around waiting for that to happen you will be missing all of the great moments in between. What I have found helps me is to give myself some time at the end of the day just for prayer. Praying for the strength to accept whatever happens and then giving my worries to God. My daughter will be coming home at the end of the month and I am facing the same worries that you are. So sending you big, understanding hugs. Marle
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Old 07-20-2008, 08:42 AM
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Beegee...... When I went to the inpatient rehab to visit my abf... I felt like the guru guy was telling me or I should say preparing me for the worst. But your friend??? That would be hard to deal with. I would tell her... that you realize that there is a chance for relapse... but right now... at this time... you are enjoying the joy... taking it one day at a time and sometimes one hour or minute at a time! I'm sure you will be given discharge instructions should a relapse come up... and leave it at that. Your ad and her as are two different people.

Are you going to be going to alanon/naranon meetings?

(((Hugs)))
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Old 07-20-2008, 09:00 AM
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Beegee, I am glad you are seeing 'progress' in your AD.

As to your 'friend.' I don't know if her AS is clean and sober or not, however, if not, then she is still focusing on the negative, please take that into consideration, and although not ready to admit it, may be a wee bit jealous of your happiness at the moment.

Of course, relapse is a possibility, happens with many and doesn't happen with many. As already said above, she will leave rehab with a set of instructions and/or suggestions of what to do if relapse does occur or if she feels like she might. That is HER responsibility, not yours.

I hope you are and will continue to attend Alanon and/or Naranon meetings, whichever are more available in your area. They will HELP YOU tremendously to keep the focus on YOU. Loving and Addict and/or Alcoholic is far from easy, doesn't matter if they are a child, spouse, significant other, sibling, or parent. It is damn HARD not to be drawn into the DRAMA. That is where Alanon and/or Naranon are so helpful to us.

I will say this again. In January of '79 when I was 33 1/2 yrs old my parents SHUT ME OUT. If I called on the phone, they hung up (no caller ID back then, lol) and if I came to the door it was shut in my face. IT WAS THE BEST THING THEY COULD HAVE EVER DONE FOR THEMSELVES AND FOR ME.

It took me another 2 1/2 years to find recovery (June '81) and the last year and a half I lived on the streets of Hollyweird. However, once I found recovery, and slowly the relationship with my parents return, I must tell you, I had the BEST relationship with both of them, until their demise, Daddy in Oct. 2000 and Mom in Feb 2004.

This happened, because my folks finely figured out that they had TO CONCENTRATE on themselves, that they could not help me. They figured out the 3 C's for them.

So Beegee, please don't let your 'friend' bring you down. Be happy for your daughter now, TODAY, and live life One Day At A Time.

Please continue to post and let us know how YOU are doing, we do care very much!

Love and hugs,
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Old 07-20-2008, 09:43 AM
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Impurrfect,

Thanks so much I needed to hear that. I really was stepping backwards in my opinion and I don't need to. I think your right, one day at a time and when it is a good day enjoy it, and just be prepared for the worst. Which I say that I am, but I know I will fall apart if that happens but now I have a place here to come to and talk and get hugs and advice so I will worry about it when it happens and not befor. (((thankyou))))
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Old 07-20-2008, 09:48 AM
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Rozied,
I like your anaology and really never thought about it like that. I will try and remember it and yes, I am happy so from now on I am going to enjoy the moments, days one day at a time. Thank you..
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Old 07-20-2008, 09:59 AM
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Marle,
I hope I am as strong as you seem to be. You know before my daughter left she put a sign she must have had from one of her meetings on my refrigerator and when I saw it there I smiled so I am going to share it with you and everyone else.

Good Morning!
This Is God,


I will be handling
all of your problems today.
I will not need your help.
So, relax and have a great day!


Hugs back to you and I hope you enjoy this.
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Old 07-20-2008, 10:07 AM
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Abundance,
You know I did try to tell her I was aware relapse is possible but she wasn't going to listen so I just shut up. I didn't know instructions come home when my daughter does. That sounds like a good thing. I think my biggest concern was asking how do I not be obvious about my purse (money,cards) without carrying it around with me. The councelor said just lock it up, she knows she did that to you and she chimed in and agreed she had to earn trust back.
And yes, I am going to Naranon meetings which is very helpful also. Thank you so much.
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Old 07-20-2008, 10:24 AM
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Laurie,
I think her son is ok but I know he isn't working so you may be right, or she is just sure she is right about this. I am not sure but with all the comments here I do feel better I mean I know I am not in denial but was feeling like maybe I was.

I think when you post something like ( my parents shutting the door in my face or saying No was the best thing they could have done for me) sends such a strong message to us beginners. I know Impurrfect also said similar and for me that is like a slap in the face to wakeup and stop enabling. I have been all talk because she is in rehab and when she comes home Actions will speak louder then words!
And I always want to remember the words from your mouths not to enable. I thank you for that. And even though it has only been a month, I think I have learned so much from all of you because I was really ignorant of the word (enable) And I think for a mom it is instilled in us to help. But now being here we know the difference and it is so comforting to know we can come here and share or ask for help , ideas, hugs.:ghug
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Old 07-20-2008, 12:02 PM
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Beegee,

Great words from those above.

The only other thing I can think of is the value of learning to set boundaries. Yep, learned that, too, from Al Anon meetings and from wise folks on this board.

You know, you don't HAVE to talk with this friend. If conversations with her upset you, it is perfectly okay for you to set a boundary and decide that talking with this woman or being around this woman just isn't good for you at this time. In recovery we learn:wtf2 that we have to take healthy care of ourselves and boundary setting is one of those ways.

I just know when I learned to do it, set boundaries with my AD and with other folks around me, and sometimes it was just by saying "no" in a nice way, man, oh man, did my life become more peaceful and less complicated.

So here's to boundary setting....... gotta love those boundaries that assure me of MY serenity!

Hugs,
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Old 07-20-2008, 04:08 PM
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My AD has not had any time clean yet, but i do know I go thru this a lot with friends and also with sponsees in NA - will they stay clean? I think I can say that most of us who are clean in NA and (therefore) have formed close relationships with others who are clean addicts, really do live this way - in the present - in terms of this issue. We do not expect our friends to relapse but we know it is always a possiblility. We also nudge each other to stay on track all the time. You, however, since you are a family member, can't be the one to keep to keep her on track. YOu have to trust a higher power and let go. when someone I know relapses, I am hurt, afraid, angry... same feelings we have as the moms here. And I do the same stuff - I pray, I don't enable them, and I will help them get to a meeting or treatment if they ask (and only if they ask). sometimes I think, "what a strange way to live - with such insecurity." and it is, but the people I love have this awful disease and I still love them, so what choice?
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Old 07-20-2008, 06:42 PM
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Thank you Hanging in,
I am going to see how she is the next time she calls me and if she seems to be doing it again I will tell her. Because I don't think she really wanted to upset me like she has with all that. But then again you never know.
I am with you Boundry setting is a good thing. Thanks so much
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Old 07-20-2008, 07:19 PM
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Just to clarify my post above, I had no idea I hit that "WTF" smilie thingamajig. Who put that there?????
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Old 07-20-2008, 10:19 PM
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Originally Posted by beegee View Post
I am having a hard time with now because it is like condeming a person to death befor he is guilty and I want to think it is possible to pull through rather then not.

So much good wisdom to learn from already posted. I just wanted to say that, even with all I know about addiction, I still believe recovery is possible for anyone who wants it. That said, in the mean time, keep doing what you can for your own recovery. Hugs -
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Old 07-21-2008, 02:23 AM
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One day at a time. Today your daughter is doing well. Celebrate today and the happiness you feel.
Stay in the day and don't worry abt. tomorrow. Fear doubt & worry are not productive uses of our time or energy.
We all can make progress w/o perfection.

So great that your daughter is in recovery.
My 24 yr. old son is too. He has been at a rehab for 5 months. He has relapsed two times.
But he is still there, still working hard at sobriety, still making progress and understands that he is an addict/alcoholic. It is not easy, but our kids are trying. There is a lot of emotional work to do + depression and cravings to deal with.
Change is not easy and takes time. I admire them for taking this step. Yea for them.

Last edited by Spiritual Seeker; 07-21-2008 at 02:32 AM. Reason: spell
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Old 07-21-2008, 03:15 AM
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Spiritual Seeker,
"We can all make progress without perfection" I liked your words here. And I would like to add your right about our kids in rehab, they do go through a great deal of emotional
and stressful times in there. I saw a book full of written things from my ad. I am so hopeful for her and working the steps." Fear, Doubt and Worry are not productive" I am going to print that out to remind me. And yes it is wonderful they are trying in rehab and that is all we can hope for that they try. I send you strength and prayers for your you and your sons recovery one day at a time. Thank you
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Old 07-21-2008, 03:21 AM
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Nice to share positive energy with another parent BeeGee.
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