rozied

I don't know about anyone else but I find my son's behaviour so hard to understand.
It is not only the addiction. He was in jail since Oct 3rd. He was given the opporutnity to go to wk release. I am SURE he must know the rules & the consequences for his actions yet he got a job, wked there 4 days then got into an arguement with a co worker, winds up getting fired & sent bk to jail for Misconduct. Because of it he had to have a Hearing. Now he is all upset because he was due for Parole Sept 10th & now this is not going to happen.
Whose fault is it anyway??? How can anyone not behave themselves in a similiar situation. It boggles my mind how he can keep screwing up like he does & not see that its his own fault???
Could the coke have destroyed some of his brain cells? I don't care how verbally abusive someone was to me if I knew I would get fired, then sent bk to jail for it I would have kept my mouth shut.
See what I mean by it not being just the addiction................he seems to have no sense at all.

itisatruth

My AH used to say (back when he was in recovery) that, at least for him, selfishness and being self-centered were at the root of his disease, addiction. He said he had to constantly work at trying to think of other's feelings and not to go with his first impulse.

I don't know if they can't see past their own wants/needs or if they don't want to. Maybe it's both. It doesn't make sense to me either, how they can repeatedly make the same mistakes and not learn from them like others do. Drugs can and do effect brain chemistry as well as damage it. It may take some time before your son can readjust to living without the drug. I hope he gives himself the time to do it.

So, I really don't have much wisdom to share, but wanted to say I feel and think those same things often. Seems like when I can "let go" I feel better, but it is difficult to do all the time.
:ghug3

rozied

Dear Itisatruth, Thanx for writing & sharing. You are so right about them being totally self centered & if you look at it in that light it makes it easier to understand.
I have read that when someone starts using they stop maturing. So instead of learning how to deal with all the problems of life like most people they use to deal with problems. When they stop using, they have to learn the coping skills they should have been learning through living their lives ( life experience ).

deezaldog

I appreciated reading your post. My nephew is the same way about his problems. everyone is against him and never his fault. This is typical addict behavior. It is easier to blame others then look at ourselves. The things you wrote are accurate from my experience. You letting go is probably best for yourself and yur son. You will realize it before he will. When I started recovery it took a yr before I could think straight, then my work began. In meetings it is suggested we do more listening & learning. I was told that sharig was great but I was not ready to knowledgably give advice. What I have experienced has been pretty accurate. Have you considered alanon for yourself? Sub. Abuse counselors often advise family to seek help. They say the family is often "sick" as well and need to get well for themselves. An addict of any substance is very self centered and selfish. I know I was. I hope all the best for you and your son. Itisatruth was right, the brain does change. The brain does have a remarkable recovery ability. The longer the abuse will increase damage done. When I was in active addiction I would not have listened to that information. Best wishes to you.

Chino

I figured out addiction rehab is a lot like rehabbing an injury. Some people need a physical therapist and machinery. If they can't or won't have help, they will take longer to heal and not always well. Some don't heal at all

Patients that don't need the whole shebang still have to rehab their injuries and they have to be self motivated, committed.

Ann

Chino is right, Rozied, recovery and learning a better way to live takes time, takes help and support, and takes lots of practice. He just didn't give himself enough time.

We can make ourselves crazy trying to figure them out or figure out all the "why's" and we still won't get a good answer. I know I never have.

Big hugs

sleepygoat

Taking responsibility for one's actions and understanding consequences - tough stuff for addicts to learn. I justified and rationalized well into recovery.

Impurrfect

It does take a while for us addicts to keep banging our head against the wall to realize that what we're doing just isn't working.

That's why, to me, it's so important that addicts get the full impact of their consequences.

I was in a diversion center, which is like a work release program. I knew that getting in any trouble at work would get me in HUGE problems at the diversion center. Yes, it meant putting up with some crap that I shouldn't have had to....they KNEW at work I had to do what they said, because I couldn't get in trouble. It didn't take long for work to realize that I was trying, really hard, to be a good employee. It also kept me out of trouble at the diversion center.

He will keep doing the same thing until he gets tired of it and realizes there's no one to get him out of trouble.

On the other hand, my dad, who is NOT an addict, has the victim mentality a lot. He does a lot of "poor me", and I keep pointing out that stuff that happens is just life....no one is sitting around, saying "gee, let's make his life miserable today". So, some people are just like that. Throw in addiction, and it's a double whammy.

I agree with Ann...I wouldn't even try to figure out why he thinks the way he does. I can't explain why I behaved the way I did when I was active, other than possibly "drug-induced insanity". The best thing to do, as far as I know, is let HIM figure out the hard lessons.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

Lightenup

Rozied: The disease of addiction will drive not only the addict but us as parents, spouses, family members to the brink of insanity. My son has been in a recovery program for almost a year, and he refuses to go the distance, to reach out to recovering alcoholics/addicts with time behind them, so I have to just do what I've learned to do to keep my sanity. I don't buy into his "victim" mindset, I don't enable by helping him get out of a rut, and I've learned that no matter how much I love him, I have to keep my distance or I will go nuts.

I know this sounds so trite, but the same goes for us as them, and I said it yesterday, and I'm using it in my life in other ways, it's true, it's simple, but really, nothing changes if nothing changes. And I do not offer this up lightly. I feel as though I've lost one of my children, because even when my son is clean, he thinks and behaves the same as when he has been using. Will he ever change? I don't know, but I know I have, and it was for my own sanity and the sanity of my family. No more money, no more buying into excuses, no more coddling. It's also for his own sake. I recently told him that if his dad and I were gone, who would he call when he was in a bind, who would he turn to? It's the truth, and if I don't allow him to fail and fall and learn how to think for himself and reach out to others in recovery, I'm doing him no favors. JMO, as usual

It's so much nicer to let go, hard but I feel as though I'm giving him a chance for taking ownership of his own recovery now, and after 8 long years of giving 2nd and 3rd, etc., chances, it's time for me to personally move on and do some growing up myself. I am not God, I cannot fix everything, everyone, I can only work on me, and honestly, when I look at myself, that's enough.

Bets

rozied

Thanks to everyone for their input. I know you are all correct.
I tell my SS the same thing, if we weren't here what would you do................noone lives forever & it is time you learned to stand on your own two feet. I am to the place in my life where I want time for me. I have been raising kids since I was 19.
My mom who is now 88 is living with alot of regret & telling me not to make the same mistake...............she gave too much of her life to her hubby, her kids, then her grandkids and she is so disappointed in the way her grandchildren are living their lives.
She keeps telling me you are just like me & don't do it.
Bets you are right on target, it is doing your children a hugh disservice to make them too dependent. Dr Phil always says the worst thing you can do to a child is to overindulge them
Joey is on his own as far as I am concerned. He has my love & my prayers but that is it.
Same goes for my other son. He is now 35 & he has had all the help he is going to get,

katie44

Rozied, I did learn at my sons first rehab that the addicts brain does in fact stop maturing when they become an addict. My son is 21 has been using since the age of 17 and believe me his mentality is that of a 17 year old. Most of the addicts I have met do not take responsibility for there actions, all part of there illness. My son's counsellor ( 15 years clean) did tell me that depression, moodiness, and irate behaviour can last for years after they are clean. They have changed the chemical in there brain.

rozied

Thanks Katie, It is so sad what they choose to do to themselves with drugs.