Please welcome taintedlove
 

hey there, i just signed up for an account on sober recovery today when i was googling the expression " girlfriend supports drug addict boyfriend" because i know how it feels and i bet all you people here know how it exactly feels when our beloved one is sent to rehabilitation over and over through time: we just get a deep sensation of guilt because we feel responsible of understanding their world and their recovery needs. i have failed through my relationship with my addicted boyfriend to understand his needs and what exactly he expects from me. he always asked me to be there and i truly was there ... keeping him away from trouble as much as i could and keeping him busy with "me" from all the world of addiction which seemed to be the only one he was familiar with for over 9 years of his life.
he is now in rehab getting a cure and all i hope is to find someone who could enlighten me about why does he act this way? (fear of commitment and lack of responsibility with a NEUTRAL attitude about everything even my feelings and an extreme temper)
i have googled all the links possible about drugs and drug abusers and i cant seem to really find the right word to guide me, us to a healthy relationship...i need someone that tells me more than "communication is important" because he is never willing to open up and as strange as it sounds, he avoids serious conversations or arguments saying that they will eventually end up by a fight.. the only thing that motivates him to talk about is "his druggie days' incidents" which he constantly repeated to me and thought of as funny and relieving..
Also another point, i believe that every cure he got on his four rehabs faced relapses because the doctors prescribed him anti depressants and sleeping pills and analgesics in heavy doses to enable him to sleep and keep a positive attitude. but those pills and medications seem to me as harmful as drugs and he abuses them in larger quantities than prescribed... he told me once how all his drug abuse problems were the follow up of his "chemicals' addiction" and this quite what's happening...
Any advices people? it would help a young man carrying a better life..
Thanks and sorry for over writing

Welcome to you...Advice..read all the flags on the top of this page...Read step one...I am powerless...you are powerless...for me this means I am powerless over the actions of another human being...You can't keep an addict out of his addiction, you can pity them but if you do too much of that, they will take you down with them...You cannot save them, you can save you...They have to save themselves....Nine years later, you can see that what you have been doing hasn't worked...Doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results just doesn't happen...They are addicted to drugs and us bailing them out of the messes...We are addicted to them in the name of LOVE....Love is not supposed to hurt us, cost us money, self respect, turn us into liars and make our friends and family worry about us...Love yourself...take care of yourself...Let your friend take care of himself, that is the best gift you can give to him...Marian

Hey Tainted,

Welcome to SR. I'm so glad you googled and found this place. There is great information here and wonderful support from people who understand what you are going through. Many have been in your situation with an addicted boyfriend, so stick around and read what they have to say.

As for you tring to figure all this out, I'd say, "Don't". There are things you can learn, but no one has ever figured out addiction and why it is or isn't the way we think it should be or why this or that happens.

The best thing I could recommend is you finding an Al Anon or Nar Anon meeting near you. It was in those meetings that I began to learn all about addiction and myself and how I could help myself have a more peaceful life in the midst of the chaos that addiction seemed to be causing. I still go to 2 meetings a week and consider it a real treat that I give myself.

And please stick around here. I've learned a better way to live from some very wise folks around here.

Hugs,
Hangin' In

Welcome to SR!

Good advice above. I am a recovering addict as well as someone who has been involved with addicts. There is absolutely nothing you can do or say that will make him quit using.

There is no "cure" for addiction. If you are an addict, you will be one for the rest of your life. What we recovering addicts learn to do is deal with life without resorting to drugs/alcohol. An addict's initial response to almost anything is to use...feeling stressed? get high. feeling great? get high. feeling depressed? get high. In recovery we learn how to deal with those feelings without getting high. Rehab is only a start in that process.

Once you read around other posts and the stickies, you'll realize that his behavior is very common among addicts. An addict cannot be fully in a relationship with anyone while they are using...it's simply impossible, no matter what they tell you. They may be with you physically, but their mind is elsewhere.

That's why it's so important to focus on you. He's going to do whatever he's going to do. If he wants recovery, he will find it. If he doesn't, he fill find all kinds of excuses as to why he can't do it.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

thank you so much people for all your posts.... you have no idea how much i v struggled alone through years hoping that someone would know how i feel exactly and what a hard thing it is to be a drug addict's gf.. i just need an answer on this : CAN A NINE YEARS' ADDICTED PERSON WHO IS 22 NOW RECOVER?" knowing that he failed in all his previous attempts of rehabilitation...
you know what i think the most dangerous is people? i think it's the fact that a drug addict is a big manipulator so we never know if he quit for real or if he's lying....its so absurd..
thanks again all of you, although i v been dealing with this for years alone but finding this site and wise people like you gave me some relief... i v been through a lot.. u have no idea what a shock it was for me when i was 18 and i saw him snorting heroin with his friends, i collapsed, i felt so sorry and afraid for him, i wish he would feel this way about himself as well

I don't know the answer to your question. I think the only one who does is your BF. He has to want to stop and he has to find the right kind of help and strength to make it happen. You on the other hand, can do what is best for you. I have been there with the shock and pain...at a very young age too... and I can honestly say that in my case it didn't get better. I stayed involved with an addict, not realing grasping the concept that he was one and there was no way for me to "fix it" at 18, 19, 20..... years old.

I married him. And after years and years, of up, down and all around....with various drugs and times of being clean... oh, yeah and 2 kids.... I finally said, "can't do it anymore." Get help for you. Go to alanon or nar-anon. Keep coming here. I am an educated woman, who came from a great family (little nutty though, just like everyone's) ha! and I still got myself into this mess. Now at 45 and after almost 24 years of marriage, I am free of the situation, but boy have I got tons to deal with.

You are sooooo young.... please free yourself. Take some time for you. Get some space and think.... it's a rough road, hon. Take care of you.

HUGS!

Welcome to SR - wander around, read, and share. It has done wonders for me. I also go to alanon now too. Here and at alanon are the only places I feel like I am not alone (there are no naranon in my area).

As Amy said, there is no cure for addiction. Recovery is a process that must be worked through. That goes for your BF who has to want to do it. But it also applies to YOU as well - not you working on his recovery, but you learning about yourself and your needs.

Now that you're here, I hope you can start to do things for yourself to help you on this journey. It is then that you can work towards healthy relationships.

to tell you guys the truth, i am more scared of me than him... i am afraid that i enjoy being with him and by that i dont mean when he's using i simply mean that i used to enjoy it when he surprised me coming to my campus to take me for rides in his car, i enjoyed being his "boo" the one he trusts and tells all his secrets to...i experienced so much love and irrational passion with him for the very first time(including intimacy)...and thats why i am afraid: afraid of ending up being with him and bearing his addiction for a life time because i know i love him and i know that no matter how harsh i go on myself i will never walk out on him ..im afraid of getting serious with him and at the same time i am afraid of letting him go or losing him... i want him to be a healthy 22 year old guy with a horizon to look forward to...maybe being with him is what i do for myself, maybe loving him is a need for me to be happy...i dunno...

Hey tainted--

(((hugs))) you've found a great place here to start getting YOURSELF well!
Sometimes those of us who love alcoholics/addicts have to face that we are addicted to the relationship.

A little "sobriety" from the relationship might do you some good too! It's OK to be on your own and free from a relationship for a while so you can gather your strength and find out who YOU are and what YOU want from this one precious life you have. Just a step back, it doesn't have to be forever. Just for today.

You didn't cause his addiction.
You can't control his addiction.
You can't cure his addiction.

So what do YOU want?? What dreams, plans, ideas, travels, personal growth have you put on the back burner because you've been caught up on this roller coaster ride of loving an addict? Put down the magnifying glass and look in the mirror.

The past is gone.
You are free in this moment!

Peace,
B.

Tainted Love..... your pain sounds all too familiar to mine 7 months ago. I was so scared to detach ... I didn't want to stop loving him... I was forcing myself to get out of what I knew as only so much chaos. It was incredibly painful.... but I did it... I detached... and things like... "if it's meant to be he will come back to me"... became meaningful. But what really REALLY helped me was this.........

To let go does not mean to stop caring,
it means I can't do it for someone else.
To let go is not to cut myself off,
it's the realization I can't control another.
To let go is not to enable,
but allow learning from natural consequences.
To let go is to admit powerlessness, which means
the outcome is not in my hands.
To let go is not to try to change or blame another,
it's to make the most of myself.
To let go is not to care for,
but to care about.
To let go is not to fix,
but to be supportive.
To let go is not to judge,
but to allow another to be a human being.
To let go is not to be in the middle arranging all the outcomes,
but to allow others to affect their destinies.
To let go is not to be protective,
it's to permit another to face reality.
To let go is not to deny,
but to accept.
To let go is not to nag, scold or argue,
but instead to search out my own shortcomings and correct them.
To let go is not to adjust everything to my desires,
but to take each day as it comes and cherish myself in it.
To let go is not to criticize or regulate anybody,
but to try to become what I dream I can be.
To let go is not to regret the past,
but to grow and live for the future.

-unknown author.

1) Welcome, we're happy to have you join us.
2) Your boyfriend isn't getting a 'cure'. He's getting education on how to get control of his life (notice I didn't say control of his addiction. Meaning: he'll never be 'cured'. He'll always be an addict.
3) You're fooling yourself about 'why' he's an addict. He had his addiction before he talked to the doctors right? It's natural what you're doing; You're trying to find a convenient box to put his addiction into. But you're looking in the wrong place. Like a fair skinned person will naturally burn in the sun faster than others, some of us just have programming that make us more susceptible. No one made him an addict or let him down (including you). And until he has finally had enough, he won't really begin the recovery process.
4) What is he doing differently this time? If the first four times didn't work - what's new this time? And not the delusional stuff like "oh this time he's got a better mindset" or "he wore his lucky socks to rehab" :P. Real, tangible, differences?

Not trying to be snarky with this post by any means - it just sounded like you, somehow, were mildly blaming yourself and others for your boyfriends addiction and (2) were holding out higher hopes this time though your earlier post didn't really indicate anything that had changed since the last time he was in rehab. Boy, that does sound snarky :/

His response to opening up is a cop-out. He needs to man up on that. Sorry to sound blunt. I understand that people can be apprehensive about opening up, fearing it will lead to a bunch of drama that he's unable to handle, but he can learn how open up w/o a conversation turning sour or getting out of control. It would take therapy or couples counseling or being someone who can "get it" on self-help books and actually apply/understand that material (those people are in the minority, imho.)

As for advice on how to make it work: see someone together. If that therapist doesn't work, go to another one. For every good therapist there are 5 that suck. He has to want to get help (more than just telling you a funny story about the good old days.) My husband snorted meth for God knows how many years. He knows better than to tell me a story and hope I find it amusing. It's not funny to me. It's my life too that he fracked up with his drug use and it's not a joke to me--neither is drug addiction. Sure, it may be a defense mechanism, but he needs to learn how to open up and engage in a productive conversation (and even a productive argument) like an adult and not act like a sniggering 14 year old boy who laughs when he's asked a dead-serious question.

I don't mean to sound so harsh. It's not directed at you. Advice I can offer you personally is pretty cut and dry:

Decide what you need from him.
Tell him.
Give him a chance to deliver the goods.
Have a contingency plan in place (i.e. "If he can't follow through on this, what will happen? What will I do? What are my boundaries?")
Make sure he knows what those are.
Follow Through on them if you need to.
Be serious about it and let him know you are. (It sounds to me like you are VERY serious, but he really isn't.)

He needs to know what will happen if things don't change. And you need to sit down and make some of the hardest decisions of your life, go over that "What ifs" and have a response/plan for each one that you will stick to and follow through on yourself.

And, take lots of hugs from all of us (and good thoughts) because we like to give them out!

Welcome to SR!

(HUGS)

if i could pick what is common from what all you guys told me it would be: i should stop feeling responsible or guilty towards his addiction and the choice to quit using is ultimately in his hands NOT mine... i will be waiting for him to get out of rehab in the coming days or weeks i still dont know... and i will put some boundaries and conditions. i will mean it this time when i will tell him: if u go back to drugs we're through...a you said i will be supportive but not at the cost of my happiness nor my well bein'.. thanks to all of you

Oh, well done....congratulations on that.

Easier said than done, in my experience though. Can I just say, make sure, as someone said before, get a plan in place, so in the hard, dark times, of a broken heart, you have something to occupy, and keep yourself well with.

Anything, just make sure it's all about you and makes you feel good. Also, educate yourself, and get help with what all this drug addict rubbish is all about. The more you can understand the routines that an addict will follow, the better prepared you'll be, to say, 'come back when your done.'

Take care

i wanna quit being addicted to his presence in my life... like you all said, all rehabs never worked before why would he straighten out now? he has the same mentality and the same vulnerable character...
hope2008, i totally agree with you! their problem is that they trust anybody on their secrets so easily and thats why i think they oftenly get themselves in so much trouble. they feel rejected and thats why they do not judge people because they dont wanna be judged: so they become friends with any1 despite they r good or bad.. they eventually end ur making ;friendships with druggies like them which will drown them deeper in addiction or they will end up dragging theirp sober ;friends' legs into addiction with them
i will have to care about me more, enough years wasted on his crap and how he blames everyone around him for his problems intsead of blaming himself. i think it's a result of not having principles in their lives . i saw him trying to be good at some things but it never worked for him: although he's 22 he still acts like a 14 years old, searching for an idol ( he tried the communism but he got bored so easily, then he tried to have more faith in god but it was all a masquerade)
hugs and kisses to all of you here

Tainted....

"although he's 22 he still acts like a 14 year old"


It's the drugs. Or so says everything I have read and learned so far. My A is 51 and acts like a teenager. His maturity is "stuck". Everything I have learned tells me that the addiction and drug use have "stunted his emotional growth." "He has not developed his emotional muscles." So, as you live in the real world, with real responsibilities, growth and feelings and try to have a mature relationship with him.... guess what... it doesn't work! Remember, that you are not the person with this problem. You didn't cause his issues and you can't fix them. Be true to you and live your dreams. Life is too short to waste, hon. Know that we are all praying for you and that I send you big hugs and lots of positive energy.

Just remember this is one version of insanity: repeating the same actions over and over again--expecting a different outcome. Something has to change. Can you talk to someone where he's at (rehab facility.) Obviously, they can't give you details on him because of the confidentiality agreement, but they might have people available for you to see so that you can get a handle on how best to ease him back into life again after rehab?

oh my god! u people are all so sweet and i truly hug and kiss u all and thank u for everything that u've said... u have put infront of my eyes those last 2 days things that i havent seen since three years.
it feels good when we're not alone, i can only wish u all the best, a successful recovery for those who had a bad experience with alcohol or drugs, and i wish u strength for those of you who have a problem close to mine where a friend or family member is using or drinking...as for your question zombiewife, here in the rehab he's in, they do not let anyone ask about him except his family even if its over the phone... its better that way...i dont wanna be jaded with a new thought about him where he's away and under treatment...
thanks again