IPT

Ok, am probably opening a big discussion here but I have a question. There may be no real "answer", but hopefully me (and maybe others) can learn form others experiences and realizations.

I read another posters comment about step one and it said " "making people do their jobs" was a huge no-no for me". It got me thinking

What if when they don't do it my life suffers? Is it as simple as just saying this does not work for me and moving on?

I am curious about how others have come to terms with this. What were your experiences and how did it work out (if you don't mind me asking).
This is apperantly a long road and I barely even have a foot on the pavement yet. This is only a g/f and I am not even sure I want to go on this journey, but I am still here and reading about this stuff so it seems that I might.

Can anyone share with me how and what they learned? What was the outcome.

ladyamalthea

I agree with Anvilhead. In my experience, step one does not necessarily mean we have to continue to be victims of our loved ones' addiction. The way I take it, it would actually translate very easily into the 3 C's: You didn't cause it, you can't control it, and you can't cure it. So basically, step one does not mean that you should tolerate anything that puts you in harm's way; but you may have to get OUT of the way, rather than trying to protect yourself in a controlling manner, if that makes sense...

IPT

so basically it is that we are there by choice, and if we don't like the others decsions because it has a negative impact on us, we should just move on?

I am thinking about in the context of my g/f making a good descion (on her own) and then losing it and not following thru. The impact having negative consequences on us both. As we see that person making that mistake, how is one to guide, support, or help that person we care about stay on track?

My guess is the answer is that we just let them do it so they learn on their own. Problem is we will feel the pain too and of course our reaction or instinct is going to be to protect ourselves from that - by trying to stop the action from occuring.

Just seems like the way to help our significant other is initially at least, self-defeating to ourselves. Maybe I am missing something, but if I am not then I am amazed at the strength that would be required to live this way. Maybe in the end that is why a lot of people end up moving in, because they need to for themselves.

lightseeker

Hi IPT,

This is a great question and it took me a really long time to begin to understand it (as in years). I think that it boils down to the serenity prayer.....which basically says I can't control anything about other people, I can control only myself, and I pray to have the wisdom to know the difference. This means that I have to know what I will or won't accept in my life, place appropriate boundaries, and then follow through if my boundaries are crossed. For me, the steps were the way that I began to learn how to focus on me and not another person. I am free to make a request for someone to change their behavior or to do something but I have to let go of the outcome. I can't make someone do what I want (by manipulating, bribing, crying, controlling, etc). If they are not willing or able to meet my needs/requests then I have to decide what I am going to do about that. I've learned the hard way that trying to change other people is not possible. Change only occurs from within. I've found that the better care I take of myself and meet my own needs the less I am hurt by what other people do or don't do. When you know that you are dealing with someone in active addiction it is imperative to protect yourself so that you are not impacted in terms of your security if they don't stay on track. Hands off the addict/alcoholic is a saying that is very true.

Have you read Co-dependent No More or The Co-dependents Guide to the 12 steps? Both books are by Melody Beattie. They really helped me to understand all of this a lot better. Also, the Alanon book "How It Works" helped me a lot as did "Grieving Our Losses". I learned that the very fact that I fell in love with an addict meant that I have things in me that need to be addressed....it really isn't about my addict - my addict simply led me down this path where I realized that I need recovery as much as he does.

It's normal to have questions - get to some meetings if you can and really give them a good chance (at least 6 meetings). You will hear a lot of experience, hope, and strength from those that walk this same walk.

If you don't like the other's decision because it has a negative impact on us, we can speak up and say what we will or won't tolerate but we can't control their response. If it's something that you can live with then you stay - if you can't then you do what you need to do to take care of yourself (whether that is leaving, protecting yourself financially, etc).

It does take a whole lot of strength to live this way and I wouldn't wish it on anyone. On the other hand, I need a recovery program because my thinking about relationships can be really skewed...whether it is with an addict or not. What I realized is that I have my own problem that needs help - so it that sense, it makes life easier because now I have the tools (the steps) to guide me and my actions.

Glad that you brought this up!

ladyamalthea

Sorry ITP, I didn't mean necessarily to move on, although most would probably say that ultimately that would be best. Lightseeker was able to word it better than I did

Glad you brought this up, though... it's always nice to revisit the steps, and it gives me a good reminder of what I need to be doing. Thanks for that!

lizw

I am quite certain the Al Anon daily reader Courage to Change had a reading about this thread's topic, yesterday or today.

This really stood out for me in the previous post because what my problem is and still is from time to time is my total inability to live my life, independent of others. I create my life to depended on other people, rather than leaning on my HP/God and myself.

This behaviour was common with my parents as I was growing up so it is rather normal to have adopted it. The previous partners I've tended to choose are like this as well. Like attracts like.

Step one for me is the beginning of creating my own independent life based on things I enjoy NOT on how I can get my partner to make me happy.

I am powerless over alcohol (and other people) but I am not powerless over myself. I can change myself, even though at times it is a hard slog.

So it is about detaching my life from anothers. Not in a hard cold way but in a loving way because it is also about letting another person have the dignity to care for themselves too.

:codiepolice

IPT

Man, this is some tough stuff. Thanks for everyones input. I did read Melodies book Co-Dependant no more. Problem was I didn't see much of myself in it. I did glarilgly see her. I just bought one of her other books though and I like it so far. I need a perspective shift.