Feeling Irate & Confused
rozied
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: PA, USA
Posts: 1,292
Feeling Irate & Confused
I cannot believe my AS is still asking me to pick up his razor & overnite bag at one place & his clothes at another. He had someones dad call me last nite to relay the message.
I think my dad is going to go for his clothes anyway. I called my mom yesterday & we had an arguement & I hung up on her cuz she told me my dad wanted to go & not tell me.........................then my sister offered to pick up the clothes so my dad didn't have to go but cuz he only put doiwn my dad's & my name I don't think anyone else can go.
You know when you are confused the best thing is to do nothing & thats just what I'm going to do for now......nothing.
I have been dealing with things like this since I am 18 & I have come to the conclusion that noone can help anyone but themself no matter how much you love them.
It is hard to admit that we are powerless but it is the truth. ( It is also very freeing )
I think my dad is going to go for his clothes anyway. I called my mom yesterday & we had an arguement & I hung up on her cuz she told me my dad wanted to go & not tell me.........................then my sister offered to pick up the clothes so my dad didn't have to go but cuz he only put doiwn my dad's & my name I don't think anyone else can go.
You know when you are confused the best thing is to do nothing & thats just what I'm going to do for now......nothing.
I have been dealing with things like this since I am 18 & I have come to the conclusion that noone can help anyone but themself no matter how much you love them.
It is hard to admit that we are powerless but it is the truth. ( It is also very freeing )
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: My House
Posts: 1,122
I hate that your parents are so confused right now... I'm sure that, as grandparents, they are used to being able to come in and save the day. Now they're being asked to do the one thing that they've probably done since he was born (if I had to guess???), and 42 years of one extreme and now they're asked to go to the other extreme. It's going to take some adjustment on their part, unfortunately, and it's obviously not going to come as quickly as you want it to.
The fact alone that your dad wanted to go help him without telling you about it speaks volumes to the fact that part of him, at least, knows it's a bad idea. If he was entirely convinced it was a good idea, he'd be trying to convince you that he's right, wouldn't he? Maybe this is a good sign that he's at least headed in the right direction...
It sounds to me like he's the one who is confused. Stay strong.
*hugs and prayers*
The fact alone that your dad wanted to go help him without telling you about it speaks volumes to the fact that part of him, at least, knows it's a bad idea. If he was entirely convinced it was a good idea, he'd be trying to convince you that he's right, wouldn't he? Maybe this is a good sign that he's at least headed in the right direction...
It sounds to me like he's the one who is confused. Stay strong.
*hugs and prayers*
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: USA
Posts: 328
One of the lines I was given by my sponsor, when my family members continued to call me and wanted me to "help" or "do for" my addict son during his bad using days:
"I wish I could, but I can't."
Repeated over and over in a nice calm voice, just like a broken record.
I think you are doing great - hugs to you!
Love in recovery,
Jody Hepler
"I wish I could, but I can't."
Repeated over and over in a nice calm voice, just like a broken record.
I think you are doing great - hugs to you!
Love in recovery,
Jody Hepler
rozied
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: PA, USA
Posts: 1,292
Thanks everyone. My mom called me today to tell me my dad is not going to pick up his clothes because he knows I don't want him too. He also said it is not cuz he wants to do anything for Joey but because the clothes cost us all money. My dad was 1 of 9 children who grew up in The Great Depression. I know there was never enough money when he was growing up for anything & I know that colors his judgement.
Jujubee Queen
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: Port Charlotte, Florida
Posts: 3,582
Rozied,
I don't think you're confused at all. From what I can see is you are working hard at your program and, others, (who you can't control) keep gumming up the gears!
You're doing great, it's SOO hard to explain to others, especially those who love our drug dependent loved ones, why we do and feel like we do.
Hugs....
I don't think you're confused at all. From what I can see is you are working hard at your program and, others, (who you can't control) keep gumming up the gears!
You're doing great, it's SOO hard to explain to others, especially those who love our drug dependent loved ones, why we do and feel like we do.
Hugs....
rozied
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: PA, USA
Posts: 1,292
It is me also. I am having a problem with leaving his clothes there. I am also having a problem with not picking up his razor & bag at his old job. I don't want to lose the stuff no matter how angry I am at him.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
(((Rozied)))
It's just stuff. I lost a LOT more than my clothes when I was active...family heirlooms that can never be replaced. It makes me way more appreciative of everything I have NOW that I'm in recovery.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
It's just stuff. I lost a LOT more than my clothes when I was active...family heirlooms that can never be replaced. It makes me way more appreciative of everything I have NOW that I'm in recovery.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: FL
Posts: 14,246
My son lived in a halfway house off and on for over two years and I met alot of people during that time who lost all they had to their addiction. One thing they all shared was a burning desire to NEVER go back to their former lives.
Each one that I met who had any lasting kind of success at a new life had been forced to rise above the mess they created. They needed to do it for themselves to gain the proper self respect needed to stay clean.
They lost jobs, spouses, houses, vehicles, property and some had their kids permanently taken away. My son came out of jail with the clothes on his back and a small pouch. No wallet, no glasses....the only possesions he did manage to care enough about were illegal and had been confiscated. That told me right there what his priorities were.
What helped me the most was to attend alot of open NA speaker meetings.
Maybe that would help you too.
Each one that I met who had any lasting kind of success at a new life had been forced to rise above the mess they created. They needed to do it for themselves to gain the proper self respect needed to stay clean.
They lost jobs, spouses, houses, vehicles, property and some had their kids permanently taken away. My son came out of jail with the clothes on his back and a small pouch. No wallet, no glasses....the only possesions he did manage to care enough about were illegal and had been confiscated. That told me right there what his priorities were.
What helped me the most was to attend alot of open NA speaker meetings.
Maybe that would help you too.
rozied
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: PA, USA
Posts: 1,292
Thanx CMC but there r no NA or Nar-Anon mts in my area. I have not been enabling him, it was my parents. As far as his belongings go I am not going to pick them up.
I know he has to do it for himself. He just got sent bk to jail from wk release for Misconduct. He has 17 mts left on his sentence. They canceled his Sept 10th parole & only God knows now how much more of his sentencence he will have to do.
Thanx for writing, I am happy your son is doing well.
I know he has to do it for himself. He just got sent bk to jail from wk release for Misconduct. He has 17 mts left on his sentence. They canceled his Sept 10th parole & only God knows now how much more of his sentencence he will have to do.
Thanx for writing, I am happy your son is doing well.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: USA
Posts: 328
I used to feel like that stuff went on and on and on ...... ad nauseum. Just when I would get my boundaries up, not engage with my ASs, and feel pretty ok with the situation - the next thing would happen.
All I can tell you is that "it" might not get better, but "you" will. That's how it was for me.
Today, my recovering sons say that it would take a bomb to off underneath their Mom to get me to react. I'm not quite that good - but I'm much better than I used to be. At least in front of them. Then I vent, just like you are doing, to friends.
Love in recovery,
Jody Hepler
All I can tell you is that "it" might not get better, but "you" will. That's how it was for me.
Today, my recovering sons say that it would take a bomb to off underneath their Mom to get me to react. I'm not quite that good - but I'm much better than I used to be. At least in front of them. Then I vent, just like you are doing, to friends.
Love in recovery,
Jody Hepler
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
Originally Posted by anvilhead 
and.......if that stuff was half as important to HIM as it seems to be YOU, he wouldn't have left it behind! i think you are focusing on this stuff because it represents something you CAN rescue maybe? it's a razor and some stuff - some clothes and whatnots........this is probably a real good opportunity for you to practice detaching and letting go.....
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Aww Rozied, I think you are doing very very well with all this, and although they stumble a bit, your folks are doing better too....not perfect but better,
It used to break my heart when my son would lose new clothes we had bought him or the watch we gave him on his first "one year" or shoes that were less than a week old....but the thing is, it bothered us more than him and he always got by.
I learned that I can't save him and I can't save his "stuff". And I learned that the Salvation Army gives out vouchers for Value Village clothes and shoes and that he never has to be barefoot and ragged...so I learned to stop replacing what was lost each time it happened.
We learn, then we learn some more, and when we know better, we do better. Your folks will do whatever makes sense to them at the time, and we are powerless over others and their thoughts.
Sending big mama size hugs because I know what it is like to be you.
It used to break my heart when my son would lose new clothes we had bought him or the watch we gave him on his first "one year" or shoes that were less than a week old....but the thing is, it bothered us more than him and he always got by.
I learned that I can't save him and I can't save his "stuff". And I learned that the Salvation Army gives out vouchers for Value Village clothes and shoes and that he never has to be barefoot and ragged...so I learned to stop replacing what was lost each time it happened.
We learn, then we learn some more, and when we know better, we do better. Your folks will do whatever makes sense to them at the time, and we are powerless over others and their thoughts.
Sending big mama size hugs because I know what it is like to be you.
Thatswayworldgoesround
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: Deep South
Posts: 105
Rozied: I have found over the past year of our son halway trying to stay straight without changing many behaviors that sometimes the very best thing I can do as his mom is "nothing". He has no idea how hard it was this week to say nothing when he called and said he had been kicked out for nonpayment of rental. I told him a month ago not to ever ask me for another dime, and I meant it. He tried, I just told him that his best bet at figuring out what to do was to talk to a recovering addict/alcoholic and that I loved him and would keep him in my prayers as usual.
Nothing changes if nothing changes, and that's the truth..................I did have to find that out the hard way over the past 8 years. I love him, but I love myself more in the past 6 months, and if that sounds selfish, so be it. Last time son was around for less than 24 hours was on a family vacation near his halfway house at the beach. My medicine, which was in my pocketbook, went missing, I had to jump through medical hoops to get it, I never blamed him, just told him of the missing meds, he immediately went into defensive mode (which always tells me he's guilty). I just said, no blame, just letting you know.................................he stays angry at the world right now, won't get mental health assistance, and I just try to put it all in a small place and give it to God.....................hands off the addict...............Love to you, you're doing great.
Bets
Nothing changes if nothing changes, and that's the truth..................I did have to find that out the hard way over the past 8 years. I love him, but I love myself more in the past 6 months, and if that sounds selfish, so be it. Last time son was around for less than 24 hours was on a family vacation near his halfway house at the beach. My medicine, which was in my pocketbook, went missing, I had to jump through medical hoops to get it, I never blamed him, just told him of the missing meds, he immediately went into defensive mode (which always tells me he's guilty). I just said, no blame, just letting you know.................................he stays angry at the world right now, won't get mental health assistance, and I just try to put it all in a small place and give it to God.....................hands off the addict...............Love to you, you're doing great.
Bets
Southern through and through
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: In.....trouble :-)
Posts: 1,453
Hey Rozied,
Detachment is one of the hardest things to get about recovery or it was for me. Through recovery I've learned I can still love the person but I don't have to be all up in their stuff.
He's a big boy. He has gotten himself into this situation and he is going to have to figure out how to get himself out. If everyone keeps making it easy for him, he'll never have to face reality.
You are doing a great job. Just keep coming here for support from the folks who are a little ahead of you in this department, wise folks who are making it in the midst of the chaos. That's what I did and it surely helps. I also go to 2 Al Anon meetings a week. Boy, does that REALLY help.
You hang in there. Try not to get pulled into his mess. And isn't this silly....all over a razor and such. That's how crazy addiction can be.
Hugs,
Hangin' In
Detachment is one of the hardest things to get about recovery or it was for me. Through recovery I've learned I can still love the person but I don't have to be all up in their stuff.
He's a big boy. He has gotten himself into this situation and he is going to have to figure out how to get himself out. If everyone keeps making it easy for him, he'll never have to face reality.
You are doing a great job. Just keep coming here for support from the folks who are a little ahead of you in this department, wise folks who are making it in the midst of the chaos. That's what I did and it surely helps. I also go to 2 Al Anon meetings a week. Boy, does that REALLY help.
You hang in there. Try not to get pulled into his mess. And isn't this silly....all over a razor and such. That's how crazy addiction can be.
Hugs,
Hangin' In
Member
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: NJ
Posts: 702
Rozied,
You are doing great. I know it is hard to think of him losing everything he has. I lost everything I had because of my son and his exgf. Some of it can't be replaced, I had no choice, he did. Your son will value what he has when he gets clean, and he will value it more if he has to work for it. Sorry if this sounds harsh, but he made his bed now he has to lay in it.
I may be jaded because of what was done to me, but he will only learn if he does not have others cleaning up for him.
You are so strong, I'm glad your dad did not go, so far.
Sending you hugs and prayers.
You are doing great. I know it is hard to think of him losing everything he has. I lost everything I had because of my son and his exgf. Some of it can't be replaced, I had no choice, he did. Your son will value what he has when he gets clean, and he will value it more if he has to work for it. Sorry if this sounds harsh, but he made his bed now he has to lay in it.
I may be jaded because of what was done to me, but he will only learn if he does not have others cleaning up for him.
You are so strong, I'm glad your dad did not go, so far.
Sending you hugs and prayers.
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