dixied

Friends,

I have really been making an effort to stay upbeat and positive since my son is almost 8 mos. clean in rehab but for some reason today I just sank. I got a phone call from a financial service. It seems my soon to be ex dil told a financial service that I was handling my sons affairs while he was attending rehab. It seems that last September my son got a Wal-Mart credit card. They said he owes about $675.00 and they want payment. I told them he has nothing. They said he made an agreement and I explained I could not pay that card off. The man was nice about it but said they had to figure out how to collect the debt. I said please pursue it any way you feel you can but I will not pay it.
For some reason that one phone call brought me down..sort of like a kick in the face. I just want to know when does it end? I am resentful of the daughter-in-law giving out my phone number. In fact I am very resentful about a lot of things I've never said. Sometimes I want to write my son and tell him off but I guess in rehab that's counter productive, right?
I saw him a few weeks ago in rehab. I had to drive five and a half hours one way. Just in talking with him I asked him what "step" he was on. He told me you just "learn" the steps in rehab you "apply" them when you get out. The director and I had a long talk about that and he said my son still has a ways to go......meanwhile I just seem to be feeling sorry for myself about this whole mess. I think my son's poor choices have put my family in a difficult financial situation and it just didn't have to be this way.
Where was his mind when he was around people with crack? I was so utterly stupid I didn't even know he knew people that were around drugs. What part of addictive or illegal did he not get? And why does he feel he should get a "free pass" and not own up to anything and I get blindsided by telephone calls such as these.
I am so sorry I an just frustrated and I don't see things clearly anymore. I am angry about many things.......sorry folks, dixied

Lynette57

I get phone calls from people looking for my AD. I just tell them they have the wrong number, and to please take it oof there file.

I don't even let them get past that.

It is her mess to clean up when she is ready, and like you I am way over my finacial limit of what I can and will do for her.

If you don't let them give you information, you will not have as much to bring you down.

The main credit card compnay usually charges it off after 90 days then the people who buy these debts in clumps call. There main goal is to get anyone family or friend to send them any money at all as they work on straight commision.

I will let my daughter file bankruptcy if that is what has to happen.

Better her than me.

I still get angry soemtimes when I think about the early days when I tried to "help" with money.

If I knew then what I know now, that she would let it all go to heel I woul dhave alot more money with the same results.

ladyamalthea

I can relate to having your number turned over to someone who is trying to collect a debt that has nothing to do with you... my mother-in-law threatened to do that to me and my husband a while back.

I hate that you're going through this, though. But I was so relieved to read the part where you said that you could not pay it. It's not right that you should be paying his debts, nor would it help him to do so.

*hugs and prayers to get through a tough time*

marle

Dixie, I contacted the FTC and since then I have had no calls from my daughter's creditors. They have a website where you can file a complaint. When my daughter is ready, she will deal with the mess. My daughter is doing the steps but is still a long ways from making amends or even applying them consistently in her life. I am sorry that the call set you back. It did the same with me. You really must take care of yourself because the anger can have physical consequences for you. Sending hugs your way. Next time they call hang up. Marle

peaceteach

Dixie,

I totally agree with the above. It is a good step for YOUR recovery. You can do this. Just like your son is in rehab focusing on himself, you can spend this time making some moves that will get drama and undeserved tension out of your life. I trust these experienced mothers a LOT. They could write a codie manual for parents, I'm telling ya. It's not wrong and it's definitely not your issue. Hugs and prayers, sweetie.

deezaldog

These are some great responses and advice. You have the right to feel angry but dont let it consume you Addicts of any substance must learn to pay the consequences of our actions. Key words are "they said he made arrangements" not you. Your ex sounds like a real piece of work. Best wishes. Remember: you are not responsible for anothers actions no matter who they are. Hope you have a better tomorrow.

greeteachday

Dixied, I'm sorry your DIL dumped this on you by giving out your number. I think you handled it well by telling them you will not take care of it - Collection folks don't care if it is fair to ask...they just are doing their job trying to get the money back. (I confess to once loosing it with one..or a telemarketer, I forget which...and telling them to get a REAL job, lol)

When I find things filling me with anger and resentment, I try to write it all out then tear it up or burn it. My anger affects no one but me and makes me feel hopeless. So if I can get it out and then ask for God's help for me to see the positive and shut out the negative thoughts, it does help me feel much better. i'm glad you can come here and get it out. Hugs

lightseeker

Dixie -

So glad that you posted this. The mom's here have some wonderful advice and insight. I know that phone call was a sucker punch but you handled it really really well. I thought that the suggestion of saying it was a wrong number is a great idea. Addiction is sometimes the slow process of letting go - our side and their's. Some addicts that are sober never do work the steps. I can't help but believe that my husband would be a better person if he worked the steps but I've let it go. Or is it given up? My asking him about it only upsets me. He could care less. I figure that it's a least a positive that a sober addict knows that there are steps - if they ever want to take them.

My sister recently had to file for bankruptcy (due to her husband's secrecy and stealing her identity to open credit cards). If he gets to that point then it is something that can occur. It's important to remember not to assume the debts of other people - even our children. Oh! My sister is a bankruptcy attorney - how's that for being blind sided?

It's normal to have down days but you did the right thing by getting it out there. When I have resentments it helps me to write them down. I always try to look for my part in it (usually has to do with poor self care, poor boundaries, denial, perception, etc) and that helps things to defuse for some reason. I'm able to turn my attention to what I need to do instead to work on me.

Hugs and know that I am thinking about you.

Hangin' In

Dixied,

Check your email for the first part of my response.

The 2nd part has to do with your visit at your AS's rehab. It took me a while, but I had to learn to not ask questions, especially early on in my AD's recovery. I only set myself up to be lied to or to be disappointed because my AD was never working her program like I wanted her to. Even today I have trouble thinking and believing she is working a good program because I am just such a NATURAL at being a codie mom and knowing what she should be doing! (I don't think that is something to brag about, is it?) But it's true. Old habits die hard and it's been a long, slow process for me to learn how to get out of her her business and let her work her program.

BUT the good news is through meetings and this board, I've pretty much learned what "live and let live" means. And I have to remember that I don't like people suggesting what I need to be doing with my life, nor do I like them questioning me. So what makes me think I can question her and she'll just love it? (I'm pretty sure that behavior is what qualifies me for Al Anon and the 12 step program.)

My friend (who you know very well) and I have always said, "We can say NOTHING to our recovering addicts except something so generic it's almost stupid to even say it, like, "Well, there's a dog over there." Just that "stupid talk" as my sponsor calls it because we really aren't talking about anything. But it is the ONLY way I've found to not get into confrontation with my AD and not get disappointed by asking questions that I really shouldn't ask in the first place.

I hope that makes sense. If you need lessons on "stupid talk", just give me a buzz. I can talk more about nothing than most people I know....

Hugs and prayers, Dixied. Down days come every now and then. Remember, the difference between a bad day and a good day is ... about two days.

Love ya,
Hangin' In

outtolunch

I am another mom with a box of unopened mail, all bills, addressed to my R(?) AD. I have caller ID and do not take the calls. I do not pay other people's bills and do not give the situation any energy.

It's just another one of those choices we get to make, along the way to our own recovery.

pjbs55

Dixied,
It is 3 years since I had my son move out. I still get phone calls about the debt he caused, to both of us. I explain what happened and tell them I will pay what is in my name when I have some extra cash. I started writing a journal and poured out my feelings now I go back and read what I wrote, I see a huge change in me. I wrote about my anger, hurt, about the lies etc. I found it helped me, maybe you could start writing and putting down however you feel and no one else has to see it. This way you let out your hurt, anger, fear etc and it is a release for you.
I now use caller ID and if I don't know the number I don't answer, avoids the hassle and making me upset again.
Hugs coming to you,

littlebird77

Is your son over 18?

beegee

Dixied,
I get the calls to. They just had a big thing on the morning show about how illegal this is to bother you at work or at home yada yada. You can report it as someone stated. I say she doesn't live here now to her bills so they leave me alone. These kids are so much smarter then we think when they want to be! I am petrafied now not to pay a bill I don't know what they think. Anyway it's his job to pay Good for you..and your ex needs
a rotten apple.

caileesnana

I also have a box! I learned that here! I was one who would always keep everything up to date so when she "straightened up" life would be as she left it. That didn't work!!

Sorry for your pain, but your son is only beginning to suffer some of the consequences of HIS actions, not yours. The DIL is also hurt and angry and taking it out on you!

You're in my prayers,
susan

CatsPajamas

I got the calls too. And a very insistent man who said we would need to figure out how this bill was going to be paid. I said "he's 22 yrs old and my name isn't anywhere on that contract. It seems to me that you should talk to him."

He said "well he won't return my calls." (I laughed)

I said "don't feel bad, he wont return mine either and I'm his mother. DON"T call me anymore."

And the bill collector quit calling me.

As for conversations with the one in rehab? I agree with Hangin, they need to be very simple and without any expectations. There's a LOT to learn and re-learn in rehab, and many don't get it all the first time through.

Hugs from mom to mom

mooselips

Yeppers, I had a box too, in fact, I decorated it all up with DUCKS and placed all his mail in it, and occasionally would give it to him.

Once upon a time I did get a call from bill collectors in Texas, and they about scared the pants off of me. They were swearing, and threatening, and yelling...I ended up hangin up cause they just could not understand he didn't live here.

Now I just say he doesn't live here, and hang up...quick!


Hugs...

CarolD

Things I have told bill collectors...

"We will never pay but do call often"
"Do sue...I'm a Judge"
"We are criminals and thugs..What is your name?"

My favorite tho..
"Be glad no one pays their bills..
that's why you have a job"

Hangin' In

I wouldn't pay the bills either. In fact, I got the cell phone company woman in CAHOOTS with me. They were calling me (because my name was on the account, too ... boy, didn't take me long to figure out to NEVER do that again), telling me they were about to turn off her cell phone.

I said, "Really? Well, here's the deal. I'm not paying it." And I explained to the woman, without revealing I was dealing with an AD, that I was trying to teach my daughter responsiblity. And I told her that I knew Brand X Cellphone Co didn't give a hoot about teaching my daughter a lesson, but if they ever did want to get their money, go ahead and turn the phone off cause that would certainly get her attention. This all was happening when my daughter was in early recovery which shows you recovery is slow and that learning responsibility does not come overnight. I had gotten the calls of, "Mama, I just don't have the money. And if they turn it off, we won't be able to talk to each other." Yep, the ole manipulation thing. She was 500 miles away and she knew me and knew how to work me. It's not like I could see her daily, so she knew that the phone contact was very important to me, helping me to feel like if I could talk with her I'd feel like she was safe.(Yeah, another lesson I've learned ... hearing their voice does not equal safety.)

Anyway, the cell phone woman ended up being on my side and said to me, "Hey, I can go ahead and have it turned off in the next five minutes if you want me to." My reply, "Do whatever you want." The phone was dead in five minutes...

Guess what? It was amazing how quickly AD got the money together and got it turned back on. Cell phones ARE important to 21 year old girls, ya know? And I don't think she ever knew the cell phone company called me and she never knew that I knew it was turned off.

Just another example, small as it may be, that getting out of the way is best for me and her.

CatsPajamas

OOOOH Hangin. Good recovery mom stuff there.

Cats