JMFburns

I feel that I’ve made some progress in my recovery, but I’m at a one step forward, two steps back point.

My 27 yr old AS called yesterday from a pay phone. We hadn’t talked in 10 days – I shut my cell phone off on Friday, 07/04 and left him a message on Sunday 07/06 asking him not to call me on my house phone. (Money issues, money issues, money issues and I had no more so he probably figured what’s the point in calling.)

I get paid today . . . probably the only reason he called yesterday!

He had a cell phone but it was shut off due to outstanding bill. He asked if I would be able to “help” him pay some of the phone bill. I’m torn – I understand it is difficult to look for a job without a phone, but he’s got a whopper of a phone plan that isn’t necessary either. If he’d call or go to phone company and talk to them, beg with them to try to get rid of the bells & whistles so it wasn’t so expensive it might make it easier.

I’m proud of myself that I didn’t pay the bill yesterday – that’s what I’ve done in the past – just reacted to whatever the “crisis” was instead of listening and saying I would have to think about what I am able to do. I am struggling with what to do though. I think I would like to see him and be able to talk freely rather than feel self conscious about all the people listening to my end of the conversation at work.

I read and re-read the posts here and would appreciate feedback, it really helps me.

MsPINKAcres

((JMFburns))

Glad you are working on setting boundaries for you - that is a great step in your recovery. It is not easy but I have found it ends up being what is best for everyone in the situation.

Last nite at my f2f meeting we shared on Tradition 7 - "Every group ought to be fully self-supporting, declining outside contributions."

You may think how does that apply to my situation - Early in my recovery several members in my group shared in dealing with their adult children they applied the 7th tradition. Letting their adult children be fully "self-supporting". Not only finanically but in all aspects of their lives. By not doing things for them that they are fully capable of doing for themselves.

This was a big eye opener for me - I was doing so many things for so many people. Taking away the opportunity for them to discover the self-worth and dignity within to figure out a way to handle things on their own. To be fully self-supporting.

If someone needed a job, I was the one reading the Sunday want-ads, typing up the resume's and mailing them. Today I know that everyone can read the want-ads without my help. I can allow them the self-respect of doing things for themselves.

That is just how I try to look at situations - am I doing something for this person, that they should be able to handle themselves? If so, then maybe I should back off.

Wishing You Serenity & Joy,
Rita

mooselips

JMFburns,
One of the best quotes, (thank you Cats) was offered to me and I use it quite a bit when talking with my AS..

"I love you so much, you're so smart, I'm sure you'll find a way to figure this out."

krhea75

Yeah I know the cell phone is hard. My AS claims his was stolen when he lived in this house with his other friends and my bills had been a little high. He always said he was going to contribute to the bill, but you know how that goes. I haven't replaced his cell phone yet, but I did order him a cheap one on ebay. He doesn't know about it and I think I will keep it for a while. Without it I don't hear much from him. Which makes me sad. but with it I hear too much from him, which makes me crazy. He is surviving without the phone for now though.
krhea

BBD

Hi JMF~~~My son did that also. He ran up such a bill and I left him to figure it out. Now he has a Verizon phone that he pays up front for the minutes......He sometimes doesn't have minutes but he's the one that has to get it turned back on by going to verizon and buying more time....suggest that to him and maybe (don't kill me here everyone)) give him 20.00 for minutes to start. You go get the phone and get him started. Don't give him the money....hugs hon, Bonnie

Omm anomanom

Anvilhead is right.

But if it eases your heart, and mind, buy a cheap pre-paid phone (you can get them for around $60), whack $10 credit on it. And be done with it.

It's also a good way to display how easy, problem solving can be.

beegee

I had given my ad the money to get another cell when I thought she was doing ok. She also had everything later that she would have paid for. But when she told me that day she was using when I came home from hospital she wasn't going to work. I went insane took the phone and hammered it to death which woke her up! It got her attention for a min and then after I called at&t and told them to xl her phone and they sent the bill and it got my attention like $400.00 cause broke the contract. aghhhhh They live for these phones but I a prepaid would be good for the jobs if he uses it for that. Good luck I know how your feeling...:atv

greeteachday

It is pretty amazing isn't it that a cell phone is viewed as a necessity?
I really like what Moose and Japic said. I know when my daughter as not actively working her recovery, any "help" I gave her just made her more credit worthy, aloowing her to rack up more debt. It wasn't until I really understood how I rob my children of a feeling of self worth and accomplishment when I fix everything, that I was able to have the courage to say no, I can't; I love you; I know you will be able to figure it out.
Hugs...You are doing just fine! I think it is in our nature to want to get this down pat right away, but recovery is a slow process with amazing rewards. How wonderful that you said, let me think on this rather than yes!