Need advice, newbie here
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Join Date: Jul 2008
Posts: 494
Need advice, newbie here
I'll try to be brief. Basically I am a generally succssful person involved with a mess of a gal. I am in helthcare so maybe a bit of a "fixer". I have been with this gal 3 years and it's getting worse and worse. I think, it's just Pot and a serious co-dependant relationship with her Mom (who she smokes with).
In a nut shell she is unreliable, and elusive. I didn't even now she smoked the first year because she hid it well (I had been away from it for so long I didn;t even place the smell!). She's been "quitting" forever. She also has a history of sexual abuse, and a non existant relationship with her Dad (not the abuser).
She is in counsulling, but I do not think she is fully honest there, and often doesn't make her appointments. She has been spiraling downward for a few months. I have also been getting on with my life and rekindling friendships, and getting back my life.
Thing is she keeps saying the right things. For example, last week she said she was quitting. Not seeing her Mom unless I was there, coming to my place every night, and reading some recovery books. She basically knows she cannot maintain her relationship with Mom, but can;t break away.
We had a great 4 days, then she said she was going to her moms to "watch a TV show". I of course got pissed. A that she was jepordizing her sobriety, and B that I felt like she totally lied to me (and due to her chronic unreliability trust has been an issue). Short vrsion is we spoke on Friday. She said she knew she needed to build my trust and would be over at 6 Sat because "I want to show you this you can trsut and rely on me". Then at 6 called, "I am runing late" (an often used excuse). Said got pissed that I was upset felt like I was ruining her tie with her niece. She said, "I'll be there in a hour", and hung up on me. 2 hors later she arrived (smelling like POT, so it didn;t last long as I suspected). Of course it was a horrible evening and she left the next mroning, basically it was over.
This AM she texts, "I messed up, I'm sorry. Will you forgive me". I said yes, and that I was proud she admitted her mistake. She said she'd be over at 6. At 5 she texts, "don't wait for me I am running late. This is hard for me, I am saying goodbye to my Mom" (BTW, she didn;t even go to work, had slept there the night before, and was there all day with her). She said "pls try to understand, this is hard for me. Don't lose faith in me/us". I called several times but she didn;t answer her phone. Finally she texted back (admittely I let my frustration get the better of me and called way too many times) "pls, I can't talk now. This is difficult".
It's now Midnight and she is nowhere to be seen. I suspect I'll get an email or text in the morning either saying she didn't come over because of my actions, or taht she is sorry but ready to begin a life with me.
WTF! I am near the end of my rope (I have said that before, but I really am becoming more detached). I am tempted to just tell her "I'll call you" no matter what she responds and then sit on it a few days.
Sorry for the run-on. I needed to get this out. I need some thoughts, and advice. I am too trusting and get stomped everytime. I want to believe in her. She always says the right thigns, and starts the right way. She won't go to rehab, because she says she can't afford it and works in the medical profession (in a small town) so doesn't want it known (no access to prescription drugs where she works).
AHHHHHHHHHH! What a bunch of BS! How the hell did I get myeslf so deep into this. I know if I were standing on the outside I'd be like "dude, what are you doing". It just looks so different from the inside.
In a nut shell she is unreliable, and elusive. I didn't even now she smoked the first year because she hid it well (I had been away from it for so long I didn;t even place the smell!). She's been "quitting" forever. She also has a history of sexual abuse, and a non existant relationship with her Dad (not the abuser).
She is in counsulling, but I do not think she is fully honest there, and often doesn't make her appointments. She has been spiraling downward for a few months. I have also been getting on with my life and rekindling friendships, and getting back my life.
Thing is she keeps saying the right things. For example, last week she said she was quitting. Not seeing her Mom unless I was there, coming to my place every night, and reading some recovery books. She basically knows she cannot maintain her relationship with Mom, but can;t break away.
We had a great 4 days, then she said she was going to her moms to "watch a TV show". I of course got pissed. A that she was jepordizing her sobriety, and B that I felt like she totally lied to me (and due to her chronic unreliability trust has been an issue). Short vrsion is we spoke on Friday. She said she knew she needed to build my trust and would be over at 6 Sat because "I want to show you this you can trsut and rely on me". Then at 6 called, "I am runing late" (an often used excuse). Said got pissed that I was upset felt like I was ruining her tie with her niece. She said, "I'll be there in a hour", and hung up on me. 2 hors later she arrived (smelling like POT, so it didn;t last long as I suspected). Of course it was a horrible evening and she left the next mroning, basically it was over.
This AM she texts, "I messed up, I'm sorry. Will you forgive me". I said yes, and that I was proud she admitted her mistake. She said she'd be over at 6. At 5 she texts, "don't wait for me I am running late. This is hard for me, I am saying goodbye to my Mom" (BTW, she didn;t even go to work, had slept there the night before, and was there all day with her). She said "pls try to understand, this is hard for me. Don't lose faith in me/us". I called several times but she didn;t answer her phone. Finally she texted back (admittely I let my frustration get the better of me and called way too many times) "pls, I can't talk now. This is difficult".
It's now Midnight and she is nowhere to be seen. I suspect I'll get an email or text in the morning either saying she didn't come over because of my actions, or taht she is sorry but ready to begin a life with me.
WTF! I am near the end of my rope (I have said that before, but I really am becoming more detached). I am tempted to just tell her "I'll call you" no matter what she responds and then sit on it a few days.
Sorry for the run-on. I needed to get this out. I need some thoughts, and advice. I am too trusting and get stomped everytime. I want to believe in her. She always says the right thigns, and starts the right way. She won't go to rehab, because she says she can't afford it and works in the medical profession (in a small town) so doesn't want it known (no access to prescription drugs where she works).
AHHHHHHHHHH! What a bunch of BS! How the hell did I get myeslf so deep into this. I know if I were standing on the outside I'd be like "dude, what are you doing". It just looks so different from the inside.
Welcome. It is very difficult when you are dealing with addiction. It's not like you are dealing with someone "like you", and someone who is rational. I know from experience that the user just doesn't get it most of the time and is not capable of processing the facts the same way you are. Problem is, that we WANT to believe that this person can understand and will fix the problem so that we can both go on and be happy. So, we keep trying and trying to "fix" it for the addict and ourselves.
Reality is that SHE has to fix it and in the meantime, there is no rule that says you have to stand around and feel the pain and continue to put your life on hold while and if she figures it out. IMO you are correct, you need to tell her that "you will call her" and then give yourself tons of recovery time to detach and think things through.
You deserve to be happy and live a healthy life... go for it. In the meantime, keep coming back here. There are many people here who are so very wise and who will be glad to share and support you. All the best.
Reality is that SHE has to fix it and in the meantime, there is no rule that says you have to stand around and feel the pain and continue to put your life on hold while and if she figures it out. IMO you are correct, you need to tell her that "you will call her" and then give yourself tons of recovery time to detach and think things through.
You deserve to be happy and live a healthy life... go for it. In the meantime, keep coming back here. There are many people here who are so very wise and who will be glad to share and support you. All the best.
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Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: USA
Posts: 427
Welcome, and yes I would say you are too trusting but at least you know it. Now you need to decide how many times you want to get stomped on.
But your not alone, we all trust too much, want to believe "this time I mean it and sometimes it just doesn't happen. But we keep thinking it will.
So I think you do need to back off and tell her as you said you will call her and don't make it so easy for her. She has the best of both worlds so to speak.
Read the posts here, read the stickies and just come here and post and you will see how many people are here for you. You know your answers you just need some nudging. Addicts will tell you what you want to hear but Actions speak louder then words.
But your not alone, we all trust too much, want to believe "this time I mean it and sometimes it just doesn't happen. But we keep thinking it will.
So I think you do need to back off and tell her as you said you will call her and don't make it so easy for her. She has the best of both worlds so to speak.
Read the posts here, read the stickies and just come here and post and you will see how many people are here for you. You know your answers you just need some nudging. Addicts will tell you what you want to hear but Actions speak louder then words.
Welcome to our SR family.
Hate that your friend is going thru such a difficult time and that you are dealing with this pain. For me it is horribly painful to watch those I care about struggle with addictions. I tend to believe maybe this time it will be better, easier, blah, blah, blah.
Thru this web site, attending al-anon meetings, reading recovery literature (al-anon, co-dependant no more, etc.), sharing with other similar to me and a deeper relationship with my Higher Power (HP) - I am learning to make decisions based on what is better for me and let my loved ones make their own decisions.
Sometimes I am still able to be a part of their lives, sometimes we have to take breaks from each other and sometimes it is best if we don't speak at all - only my HP and I can make those decisions - as only you & your HP can make those decisions for you.
Please keep reading the threads here, the stickys at the top and other recovery literature - maybe even consider a f2f (face to face) meeting (Nar-Anon or Al-Anon) - these tools may help you discover what is best for you.
HUGS,
Rita
Hate that your friend is going thru such a difficult time and that you are dealing with this pain. For me it is horribly painful to watch those I care about struggle with addictions. I tend to believe maybe this time it will be better, easier, blah, blah, blah.
Thru this web site, attending al-anon meetings, reading recovery literature (al-anon, co-dependant no more, etc.), sharing with other similar to me and a deeper relationship with my Higher Power (HP) - I am learning to make decisions based on what is better for me and let my loved ones make their own decisions.
Sometimes I am still able to be a part of their lives, sometimes we have to take breaks from each other and sometimes it is best if we don't speak at all - only my HP and I can make those decisions - as only you & your HP can make those decisions for you.
Please keep reading the threads here, the stickys at the top and other recovery literature - maybe even consider a f2f (face to face) meeting (Nar-Anon or Al-Anon) - these tools may help you discover what is best for you.
HUGS,
Rita
Welcome to SR. You've come to a great place for support from people who understand what you are going through.
Your lady friend has you right where she wants you. That's what addicts do. It's her disease that is driving her, so don't think she wakes up every a.m. thinking how she can hurt you. But the disease is one where she will manipulate in order to stay in her addiction.
I, like you, thought I was helping and being supportive. But when I started getting into recovery myself (Al Anon), I found that what I thought was helping was really enabling. I was "helping" my AD stay in her addiction. Gosh, when the light finally came on and I realized that, I knew I no longer wanted to be a part of helping her kill herself.
So through meetings and this board I've learned a better way to live. I had to look at how I was contributing to the problem (reacting, enabling...but not causing the problem...the addiction is my daughter's, not mine), and change how I lived. When I did that, things began to get better for me. My AD is working a program of recovery now, also.
All I know is I couldn't keep living like I was living. I had tried everything I knew to do to get my daughter to straighten up and nothing worked. When I finally got to the end of my rope, I decided I would listen to someone else, others who were making it in spite of the addiction of their loved ones. They had something I wanted. I was sick and tired of being sick and tired, so I went after a different way of handling the addiction in our family, and I am so grateful I did.
Please keep coming here and reading and posting. And maybe you could find and Al Anon or Nar Anon meeting in your area. My meetings have saved my life.
Hugs and prayers,
Hangin' In
Your lady friend has you right where she wants you. That's what addicts do. It's her disease that is driving her, so don't think she wakes up every a.m. thinking how she can hurt you. But the disease is one where she will manipulate in order to stay in her addiction.
I, like you, thought I was helping and being supportive. But when I started getting into recovery myself (Al Anon), I found that what I thought was helping was really enabling. I was "helping" my AD stay in her addiction. Gosh, when the light finally came on and I realized that, I knew I no longer wanted to be a part of helping her kill herself.
So through meetings and this board I've learned a better way to live. I had to look at how I was contributing to the problem (reacting, enabling...but not causing the problem...the addiction is my daughter's, not mine), and change how I lived. When I did that, things began to get better for me. My AD is working a program of recovery now, also.
All I know is I couldn't keep living like I was living. I had tried everything I knew to do to get my daughter to straighten up and nothing worked. When I finally got to the end of my rope, I decided I would listen to someone else, others who were making it in spite of the addiction of their loved ones. They had something I wanted. I was sick and tired of being sick and tired, so I went after a different way of handling the addiction in our family, and I am so grateful I did.
Please keep coming here and reading and posting. And maybe you could find and Al Anon or Nar Anon meeting in your area. My meetings have saved my life.
Hugs and prayers,
Hangin' In
IPT,
elcome to Sober recovery.
Like you, I am also in Healthcare, and after "helping" patients at work, I would come home and do the same sort of behavior. It's hard to turn off what you are suppose to do at work when you come home, isn't it?
Plus healthcare workers are a big percentage of codependent, because it's what we "like" to do, fix things, and people!
It took me a long time to realize I can't fix anyone, they can only fix themselves!
That's where Alanon comes into play. If you attend meetings, you can redirect your mind into not enabling, and detaching in a loving manner.
The drug dependent person in my life is my oldest son, he is 34, and has used since the age of 15.
Please stick around, others will be here to welcome you.
elcome to Sober recovery.
Like you, I am also in Healthcare, and after "helping" patients at work, I would come home and do the same sort of behavior. It's hard to turn off what you are suppose to do at work when you come home, isn't it?
Plus healthcare workers are a big percentage of codependent, because it's what we "like" to do, fix things, and people!
It took me a long time to realize I can't fix anyone, they can only fix themselves!
That's where Alanon comes into play. If you attend meetings, you can redirect your mind into not enabling, and detaching in a loving manner.
The drug dependent person in my life is my oldest son, he is 34, and has used since the age of 15.
Please stick around, others will be here to welcome you.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2008
Posts: 494
Thanks so much the replies. Yes, I have read many posts here. I especially like the "I am an addict" stcky. It's hard to not think rationally for me. When someone does disrespectful things it is hard to not sit there and wonder "how can she not call me back", or not show up. It is devistating to me. Disease or not, the impact on me is painful. She always says that, "I love you", "I am never hurting you on purpose", "our relationship is ery important to me, and a priority" - then all her actions say exactly the opposite. I am too trusting of a person.
I am reaching my breaking point however. My friends are amazed at my patience. I know it is doing me no good at all. I agree, somehow I need to take the power back. To me pulling back is like playing a game. Thoguh I guess it is the best move if for nothing else to protect myself. I'll bet Al Anon would probably help me. Truth is she hasn't put enough forth for me to make that effort (even though I know it'd be for me). This is only a g/f. I do not have to deal with any of these issues if I just find someone a little more healthy. I just feel so trapped and manipulated. I occilate back and forth -stay, go, I can trust her, don't be stupid. It's exahusting..........
I am reaching my breaking point however. My friends are amazed at my patience. I know it is doing me no good at all. I agree, somehow I need to take the power back. To me pulling back is like playing a game. Thoguh I guess it is the best move if for nothing else to protect myself. I'll bet Al Anon would probably help me. Truth is she hasn't put enough forth for me to make that effort (even though I know it'd be for me). This is only a g/f. I do not have to deal with any of these issues if I just find someone a little more healthy. I just feel so trapped and manipulated. I occilate back and forth -stay, go, I can trust her, don't be stupid. It's exahusting..........
Welcome IPT,
Sorry for the chaos. We have all been there in one form or another. Keep reading posts and literature. Sometimes it's the only thing that keeps me sane. My AS has been smoking pot and drinking since he was 14. He's now 18 and things aren't much better.
krhea
Sorry for the chaos. We have all been there in one form or another. Keep reading posts and literature. Sometimes it's the only thing that keeps me sane. My AS has been smoking pot and drinking since he was 14. He's now 18 and things aren't much better.
krhea
She says one thing but does another. You are powerless over her, but you are not powerless over you and your choices. You see her making no effort to change. So, if your life is going to change for the better, it looks to me like you are one who is going to have to make the move to do something to improve your life. Remember, nothing changes if nothing changes.
A meeting would be a good place to start to get a handle on just what it is you need to do for you. It's up to her to figure out her life.
Hugs,
Hangin' In
P.S. One more thing. If you picked an addicted woman this go round, it's highly likely that you will chose this type again unless you take a good look at yourself. That's why we, who get involved with addicts, need to make some changes in our lives so we don't go down this same path again.
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Join Date: Jul 2008
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I will read, read, and read. I also find writting things down helps me vent. Also to put things more in B&W to see the reality.
Thing is I guess I really am in love with the "idea" of what this person could be, not what she is (as a whole at least). I keep thinking that all is needed it is just a conscious change on her part. I mean when the phone rings she needs to choose to answer it or not, right?
What keeps me hooked is that there are always times, a few days, weeks when she is perfect. What happens to that person? Does it get lost that easy? Is it just an act? She'll tell that is the time she is happiest. It is always just enoguh to keep me hooked.Thing is she is slipping, and they are getting less and less and shorter and shorter and I am finally realizing that really I have nothing.
Thing is I guess I really am in love with the "idea" of what this person could be, not what she is (as a whole at least). I keep thinking that all is needed it is just a conscious change on her part. I mean when the phone rings she needs to choose to answer it or not, right?
What keeps me hooked is that there are always times, a few days, weeks when she is perfect. What happens to that person? Does it get lost that easy? Is it just an act? She'll tell that is the time she is happiest. It is always just enoguh to keep me hooked.Thing is she is slipping, and they are getting less and less and shorter and shorter and I am finally realizing that really I have nothing.
Thing is I guess I really am in love with the "idea" of what this person could be, not what she is (as a whole at least). I keep thinking that all is needed it is just a conscious change on her part. I mean when the phone rings she needs to choose to answer it or not, right?
What keeps me hooked is that there are always times, a few days, weeks when she is perfect. What happens to that person? Does it get lost that easy? Is it just an act? She'll tell that is the time she is happiest. It is always just enoguh to keep me hooked.Thing is she is slipping, and they are getting less and less and shorter and shorter and I am finally realizing that really I have nothing.
What keeps me hooked is that there are always times, a few days, weeks when she is perfect. What happens to that person? Does it get lost that easy? Is it just an act? She'll tell that is the time she is happiest. It is always just enoguh to keep me hooked.Thing is she is slipping, and they are getting less and less and shorter and shorter and I am finally realizing that really I have nothing.
I am so sorry that you are caught up in her struggles, but the thing of it is, when someone is in active addiction, the person they "could be" ceases to exist. Sure, there may be a few fleeting moments here and there that make everything look better, but there's only two directions this could go; up or down. If she doesn't get help and pull herself out of this and into recovery, she will continue to spiral downward until she hits her rock bottom. And who knows how long that will take?
I do hope that you can find a support group in your area for loved ones of addicts (Alanon and Naranon are both great options). I know how painful this must be, but you don't have to cope with it alone.
Keep us posted!
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Join Date: Jul 2008
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That is so acurate. It helps too read it from others and confirm it. Fact is she tells me she does not like herself, and that getting stoned "makes me feel better temorarily". What keeps me hooked is that I see her hitting bottom, and getting closer and closer - taking small steps here and there is a positive direction. I feel like I am about to bail right as she is going to tuen the corner. Of course I have felt that way for a few months now. that should tell me something.
Thanks for all the input and perspective!
Thanks for all the input and perspective!
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Join Date: May 2005
Location: Jersey
Posts: 229
Yes... It is an addicts way of keeping you where they want you, and not letting one close enough to come between them and using...
My RAH has over 19 months in active recovery... I still have reservations about things he tells me and have moments where I will doubt myself if I should trust him. The thing is, over the past year and a half, he has shown me that he can be trusted...I am listening to his actions...not what he tells me anymore.
Addiction is a nasty, progressive disease... one that will not stop, no matter how much we beg, cry, scream, threaten... It will only stop when the addict has had enough of being sick and tired...
However, WE can also progress in our own disease...until the pain of staying in this toxic relationship is greater than the pain of leaving...
Glad to see you are still reading........
My RAH has over 19 months in active recovery... I still have reservations about things he tells me and have moments where I will doubt myself if I should trust him. The thing is, over the past year and a half, he has shown me that he can be trusted...I am listening to his actions...not what he tells me anymore.
However, WE can also progress in our own disease...until the pain of staying in this toxic relationship is greater than the pain of leaving...
Glad to see you are still reading........
Okay, thoughts???
Sorry, that heading was meant for something else lol... I hate typing on a lap top!
Anyways, I'm glad you're here to read and learn all you can. And who knows, you may teach us a thing or two in the process
I have to agree with eaglesgirl... not that it's our place to tell you to stay with her or leave... but the further down she spirals, the further down she will pull you if you choose to stick around. She knows how to manipulate you. She will use that to the best of her ability, and it will be harder and harder to not give in to her.
You are in my thoughts and prayers as you make this difficult desicion.
Anyways, I'm glad you're here to read and learn all you can. And who knows, you may teach us a thing or two in the process
I have to agree with eaglesgirl... not that it's our place to tell you to stay with her or leave... but the further down she spirals, the further down she will pull you if you choose to stick around. She knows how to manipulate you. She will use that to the best of her ability, and it will be harder and harder to not give in to her.
You are in my thoughts and prayers as you make this difficult desicion.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2008
Posts: 494
You people have been real helpful in helping me examine and accept all of this. Yeah, I have been doing the counsuling thing myself to discover just why I have tolerated this treatment. Luckly Most of my previous g/f have not had issues like this.
[B]Nothing changes if nothing changes[B] I do like that, and it reminds me of that definition of insanity. Doing the same thing over and over expecting a different outcome.
Actions are lacking. I told her I am sick of words and there needs to be action. Then she'll provide just enough action to hook me into believeing her and the cycle begins all over.
The pain of staying is starting to outweigh the pain of leaving. Mostly because her restorative actions are getting less and less frequent and destructive behavior closer and closer together. Then again that is what makes me think the bottom, and real change is near. That's the trap though isn't it?
I guess aside from leaving ths all together I am struggling at what boundaries to set? If you don't show up on time I won't see you for X# of days (and then that will just be a vacation for her)? I'll see you, but only if you call first and I'm available? Seems to me it would be a lot easier to just be done. How have some of you handled similar situations?
[B]Nothing changes if nothing changes[B] I do like that, and it reminds me of that definition of insanity. Doing the same thing over and over expecting a different outcome.
Actions are lacking. I told her I am sick of words and there needs to be action. Then she'll provide just enough action to hook me into believeing her and the cycle begins all over.
The pain of staying is starting to outweigh the pain of leaving. Mostly because her restorative actions are getting less and less frequent and destructive behavior closer and closer together. Then again that is what makes me think the bottom, and real change is near. That's the trap though isn't it?
I guess aside from leaving ths all together I am struggling at what boundaries to set? If you don't show up on time I won't see you for X# of days (and then that will just be a vacation for her)? I'll see you, but only if you call first and I'm available? Seems to me it would be a lot easier to just be done. How have some of you handled similar situations?
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Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: USA
Posts: 427
IPT, You know I think you really see the picture and as sad as it is addiction is a heart breaker as you read "I am an Addict".
Actions speak louder then words, words are cheap sometimes. Your GF has to want it more then she does and when she does you will know it. Till then find some meetings that will help you as everyone has suggested, they help. Good wishes and prayers for you and you GF.
Actions speak louder then words, words are cheap sometimes. Your GF has to want it more then she does and when she does you will know it. Till then find some meetings that will help you as everyone has suggested, they help. Good wishes and prayers for you and you GF.
Last edited by beegee; 07-15-2008 at 04:31 PM. Reason: again spelling
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