ladyamalthea

I went to go visit my parents this afternoon, thinking we might be able to enjoy a lunch together and relax for a while without having to plot and scheme about ras...

Apparently ras is now having a hard time getting a checking account because her former bank has written her off as fraud for some reason. My parents insist that this is inaccurate, as supposedly the only fees she had with them was their monthly checking account fee. They further argue that this is clearly false because the bank has not pressed charges, as they should if it really was fraud.

My take on it??? First of all, I don't know, and as much as I want to care, it does me no good to worry about it, as I cannot do anything for her. Secondly, she was pulling some pretty crazy stunts back when she had that account opened (as if I have to tell any of you, lol... you can probably guess exactly what kind of behaviors i'm talking about, and yes, some do involve stealing from my parents, both materially and financially), so I cannot honestly say that I would put it past her. There were even stories that she told me later about making fake money with her boyfriend... If she did commit fraud, maybe it was not a large enough dollar amount for them to care to press charges, as they are a national chain...

I don't know. All I do know is that, regardless of what the truth is in that scenario, she did plenty of other things that would count as fraud, and it is finally catching up to her. As much as I love her, I am a little relieved that someone is making sure she has some kind of consequence, as she has never had a real punishment for anything in her entire life. Even her felony record will be erased if she completes her probation, as she has only been prosecuted for one of the many terrible things that she has done.

So, of course you can guess what we spent the afternoon doing; instead of enjoying our time together before we all go back to work in two weeks, they were making all kinds of phone calls to get this cleared up for ras while she was in her bed taking a nap. They made little progress, as the bank would not speak to them about her finances (duh!), and that only made them angrier.

When I left, my dad walked me out to my car, and he was saying that he just couldn't believe that ras would have this on her credit for the next five years, that it just wasn't right that because of the bank's mistake, she could not get a bank account. I said, "yeah Daddy, that stinks, but maybe they would actually talk about it if ras would call. After all, she's 20 now. How will she ever learn to take care of herself if you and mom keep doing everything for her?" All he could say is, "yeah, I know" and shake his head.

I'm okay. Really. It just annoys me that, at their age (Daddy will be 60 in December) they are still adding her problems to their own. I want so badly to reach out and smack them and wake them up, but I know it won't work... so all I can do is continue in MY recovery and continue to detach with love.

But it may be several months before I go back up there, for obvious reasons.

Thanks for letting me vent so I can move on.

teke

sorry your visit didn't turn out the way you expected but i'm glad you are doing what you need to do to take care of you. hopefully your parents will soon learn to do the same. i'm sending up a pray for all of you.

beegee

It must be so frustrating to you to listen to this time after time and hurtful. I don't know what will make them open their eyes, maybe they just have a need to be needed? I know that sounds corny but think about it. I mean maybe that is why they baby her so much? Maybe you find some reason to let them help you with something?
I mean I always hear that from grandparents now, No one needs me anymore and they have nothing to do or do nothing so sad. Well it is just a thought maybe I could be dead wrong. Just trying to help you (((HUGS)))

ladyamalthea

Thanks Beegee, you are totally dead on. Lol... I love what you said about finding a reason why I need them... but then they would suffocate me the way they do her, and that would probably drive me crazy too. But it is definitely about them feeling like they are needed... mom is constantly telling me that the reason ras is clean is because SHE (mom) put several restrictions on ras's phone, blah blah blah... yeah, and when they both go back to work in two weeks, we'll see how many sparks fly then, when she's not at home to control phone usage, visitors, etc... maybe then they'll realize just how little control they have (hopefully, but I'm not holding my breath).

rivka

Lady,
You are NOT alone.
OMG. My stbxABF did/does the same thing and he's 35!!
-Lied about having his own place (found out he moved in w/his mom)
-IncomeTax problems (uh, forgot to pay 2 yrs...??)
-"Lost" ATM card, checkbook, wallet...many times over last 6 months (the first one I fell for and loaned money...but not again).
I did a background check on him and found all kinds of colorful stuff...like DUI, failure to appear and 2 bankruptcies. WOW!
He also asked me to "drop off" a FedEx package for his friend, as it was "on my way" to the guy's house...I didn't mind...til I found out by accident when it slipped that it was a package of SOMETHING illegal...not sure if it was drugs or money...but I was LIVID. I laid into him about compromising MY safety and morality...and possibly setting ME up to be an accessory to this racket. BEYOND UNACCEPTABLE!
Yet still, the forgiveness comes as I fall back on tying all this crap to his disease...which shouldn't excuse him from consequences of illegal behavior. I was *hoping* he'd get caught. Honest to God. I WANTED him to learn the hard way.

I would have been more satisfied if he went to jail for a bit before rehab to understand all the crap he's put everyone through!

Detaching with Love is THE hardest thing I've ever had to do...and frankly, I'm not very good at it, but I'm trying. Like you. One day at a time.

Blessings,
Rivka

marle

One of the girls in my daughter's recovery house is very spoiled and it really shows. She does not do what is required of her and her mother and grandmother still try to cover for her. Her mother will visit the house and paint her toenails and fingernails for her. The girl is 20. My daughter is always complaining to me about the mother and she always is doing for her addict daughter what she should be doing herself. I see the other side of this. I see a mother who is so terrified that her daughter will relapse that even in recovery she still tries to make her daughter happy. Sounds like your parents are doing the same thing. Not fair to you and I am sorry that they can't find one day to spend with just you. Hugs, Marle

ladyamalthea

Thanks Marle. I don't doubt that they are struggling with worrying about her relapsing. I understand that far better than I like to think about. And it's not fair to me, but it's not fair to them either, because thanks to her, they have no retirement, no house (they are renting b/c they lost their house last month), and have had to file bankruptcy. Not to mention my mom's desperate need to see a psychologist, and she refuses to go for some reason.

Oh, and my mom was totally that rehab mom when ras was there. They even used to smuggle in money for her so she could "eat from the vending machines," as she supposedly didn't like the food that the rehab fixed. Not that I have a problem with her eating snacks, but who knows what she was really using that money for...

Here again though... thankfully, not my problem.

JMFburns

Thanks ladyamalthea for the "smack" in the face. I've told my daughter that I will probably need those smacks repeatedly and will still stumble and falter.
It is hard to detach from my AS, I know I've been working harder at it since starting to post here on SR, reading everyone elses posts, attending Naranon and continuing to attend Alanon. Sometimes even all of that doesn't seem like enough. I think I'd go to meetings every night of the week if I had a way to get to that many!
You're in my thoughts,
Joan

outtolunch

Gotta love it.

In the meantime, it sure does sound as though you have your head on straight. Good job.