Support from the South
 

I just read all four of your pages and you just can't catch a break can you? Wow! You're doing great in a terrible situation though. When you're not sure what to do, don't do anything. What a lucky little girl to have such a caring auntie!

Quit worrying about your sister (it's like thinking God can't do his job) and focus on what you CAN control. What's inside your house right now (xcept the cat). I'll send a prayer for you, that HP guides your meeting.

Thanks so much for the encouragement. I often don't feel like I'm doing very well with all of this, but like you said, focusing on what I can control does help. Heehee, and you're right about that cat! He's quite the little devil. :) I appreciate your kindness and your prayers too.

The lawyer meeting wasn't terribly productive although I think she was really smart and on the ball. She says that my niece isn't yet a legal resident of this province (because she just moved here to be with us) and that this case will have to be heard back in her province of origin. So now we have to get my parents, her grandparents, to apply for legal custody back there and then designate custody to us after that's resolved. The most encouraging part of this was that the lawyer seemed moderately positive that the case would be pretty easy to settle in court and that the judge would act in the little one's best interest in keeping her put where she is.

So, more hoop jumping. I'm getting some really good hoop-jumping muscles. ;)

Sorry, I haven't been here..went to court yesterday, was exhausted and just woke up (at 3a.m.!)

I posted on your other thread, but wanted to tell you, again, how I think you are just AWESOME!! When you're sister says she can get her daughter back "in a snap", she is simply trying to convince herself of that and trying to push your buttons. It's all talk, and we know that talk doesn't mean diddly when it comes from an addict...it's ACTIONS that speak.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

Hmm... it seems that detaching from her has resulted in me detaching from *here*. I haven't had as much to say lately since I've been trying to stay somewhat uninvolved. :)

My sister has been in Ultra-Reasonable Mode for about a week now, following her move to another centre. I am not sure if her time staying at the Salvation Army scared the crap out of her and she really wants to change now, or if this is the honeymoon phase that has followed each move to a new centre. In either case, I am keeping my distance and letting her do her thing, good or bad.

She is stating an interest in coming off OxyContin, something she hasn't been too cooperative about for the last two months living in various recovery homes. She says she has traded in 5 of her 20mg tablets (out of a total of 16 per day) for one tablet of time release morphine. Knowing very little about these meds, I have no idea if this is progress or a good thing... but she seems very pleased with herself. So I hope it really is a good thing.

The confusion around where to try a custody case is still going on as we have not had much luck getting ahold of the lawyer in the other province... but I'm trying to stay focused on looking after the little one and not worrying too much about my sister one way or the other.

prayers for you, your sister & those kids. they are blessed to have you. take it one day at a time.

Is this place accredited? In the case of Nursing Homes, they are inspected on a regular basis and complaints are investigated promptly. Is it an individual business or a member of a group of homes? Many years ago a company called Beverly bought a large number of nursing/assisted living homes and charged outrageous prices and provided minimal service in return. The State finally forced them to sell all their businesses in this state and banned them from further business here.

The rehab is a business and the owner is a matter of public record. I think they have an ombudsman or advocate who is familiar with the facility and assists in complaint investigation.

Please forgive me, but your description was so graphic and thorough that I actually found myself laughing out loud. There is an enormous amount of money to be made in the rehab business and many of the residents are "captive audiences" because they are court ordered to attend or they are mandated to be treated in relation to child custody issues. So an unethical business can set up shop and accept a number of these court ordered patients and receive enormous amounts of money while providing substandard care. My girlfriend had to refinance her house to pay her rehab bill.

Anyway, I would recommend doing some subtle inquiry into the qualifications of the administrator and the counselors.

I'm glad you checked in. It's okay to "detach" in whatever way you need to. I'm still sending you all hugs and prayers!

Amy

Well, I think I must have known another storm was brewing because I made it back to SR just about 24 hours before it hit.

I think I answered my own question about whether my sister's newly acquired positive attitude was about a genuine change or whether it was just a "honeymoon" period at her new recovery home. Honeymoon over!

Tonight she called demanding that I buy her more cigarettes. This has been an ongoing bone of contention since she went into inpatient care in mid-June. I regret that I have purchased her ANY cigarettes at all... When I brought her daughter for the last visit on Sunday night I brought my sister some tobacco and told her this was the last time I would be doing that. She said she was fine with that, hugged me and thanked me. Now we're back to this. Because I don't buy her cigarettes I am unsupportive, uncaring, uninterested in helping her recover. Sigh.

She couldn't care less that I have my own bills to pay. She couldn't care less that I totally RESENT spending money for her to light it up and burn it. Okay, I admit I'm not very sympathetic about tobacco addiction but I can't help it. It's such a horrible waste of money!

She threw it back in my face that I have spent money on her daughter, buying her contact lenses and back-to-school clothes and a haircut... but to me these things have VALUE. The little one has missed out on so much by living with a parent who spent all her money on drugs. How can she begrudge her own daughter these things and wish I'd spent the money on tobacco instead? It makes me want to scream.

She twisted everything I said on the subject, trying to imprint the message on me that I have abandoned her and that my negativity is the reason she can't recover.

Ridiculous.

I'm so glad for the changes that have come from being here around the issue of detachment. It's much easier now to just say, "Sorry, I'm not going to argue with you about this. The answer is no. Goodbye. Talk to you later."

Then I come here and rant. :D

Good for you!!!

Sounds like she's back to thinking about herself, and herself only. It is totally selfish to be upset with YOU for spending money on HER daughter...things she needs and deserves.

Glad you can stop the argument, and can come here and rant.

I smoke cigarettes, but have little sympathy for anyone who wants to smoke at MY expense! People at work are always bumming cigarettes and I finally told them "if you want to smoke, you need to buy your own".

You set a boundary and you stuck to it....good for you!!!

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

Thanks Amy. I always do appreciate your hugs and prayers! It's a funny thing about the smoking because I used to have a cigarette once in awhile myself, usually when hanging out with my sister! It used to be something we bonded over and now it's become a huge problem between us.

Anyway, my husband has taken my niece away on a week's long road trip so I will get a little break from my somewhat "forced" contact with my sister because of her daughter. If she calls in the next little while I think I'll just give myself a break and let the machine take it.

There ya go! A vacation from her drama sounds like a good thing.

Glad your husband and niece are taking the trip....she is getting a lot of love, and that is fantastic!

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

Ugh, I'm such a waffler! I was reading here this morning, looking at a lot of posts about the difference between enabling and supporting someone's recovery efforts. It seems like it's a fine line in a lot of cases... but after spending some time with it, and wrestling around in my own mind, I decided that buying my sister cigarettes isn't really enabling and it does support her recovery. So I'm going to buy the damn things after all.

I feel like it's not enabling because it's just not something she can do for herself right now. She has no money.

And I feel like it does support her recovery because when she's focused on the fact she wants to smoke and can't, it prevents her from working on her recovery.

So... here we go again. I hate buying them, I hate wasting my money on them. But I just can't seem to live with not giving them to her because I don't want to sabotage her recovery.

It's a damned if I do and damned if I don't kind of situation, but this is the decision that I find it easier to live with, at least for now.

I can understand that. I keep forgetting she's got BPD, and they DO tend to focus on one set thing. If she can stop focusing on the cigarettes, she can focus on recovery.

You're doing it with the right attitude, so don't worry about it. If it brings a little peace to YOUR life, then all the better.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

After a whole lot of wasting time calling a zillion different people, my parents finally got information from their lawyer stating the exact opposite of what our lawyer told us. Our lawyer said we'd have to fight for custody in my niece's province of origin because she's not really a legal resident here until a year has passed. And the lawyer in her place of origin said that they can't try a case involving a child who doesn't currently reside there. So now I'm back to going to talk my lawyer again. I'll have to call her first thing Monday morning.

Meanwhile, my sister has been up and down as usual. On the first day of school she called here in a panic saying she couldn't stand not being there for her daughter's first day of school. (This from the woman who kept her daughter home for more than half of the last school year just to keep her company.) She said she was going to leave the recovery home and pick up her daughter and move back to their old town. (She was evicted from her apartment there.) She said she didn't care about pulling her daughter out of school here, where she's settling in nicely, because "it's no big deal; people move all the time."

A couple of days later she was back to being reasonable and saying she figures she has at least 4 more months of recovery to go before she'll be ready to leave.

When she's acting sane I feel guilty about the fact that we're still working on trying to take legal custody. But I just can't ever seem to count on her staying sane for more than a short period of time.

Of course there's still no way of knowing how this will turn out. But my niece is doing so well here with us that I hope and pray a judge will see that and let her stay.

Good to hear from you. I just read your post on the your gratitude thread, and I am smiling about your nieces' contacts and new hairstyle....bet she feels GREAT!!!

Hang in there, sweetie. Eventually you will find out what can be done legally. In the meantime, you're doing what you can, and you're niece is doing great because she's surrounded by love and stability.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

I just read all your posts. A family member took custody of me when I was a small child. What you are doing is fantastic for your niece. it's so great that she has a loving auntie who will do all these things for her, AND try to do what she can for mum (quite apart from your adopted evil kitty -- hey, he really fits the bill in terms of "accept the things I cannot change"!). Hang in there. Getting it straight legally is probably better for everyone else in the long run and will give you a better footing in the fact of the unpredictability of your sister's condition/actions/reactions etc. You are being incredibly brave and my heart really goes out to you. I am so grateful to the family member who fought for custody of me.

YellowRed, thank you so much for that encouragement. I just had to go and get my husband and make him read it too so we could both be reminded why we're doing this from someone who's been there! My niece is so mature for her age and I know she will in the future (and already does to some extent now) appreciate what we're trying to do for her. Evil Kitty, however, who really needs a monocle and top hat to complete his Evil Genius costume, just wants to know why we won't let him beat up the dogs! Ingrate! :)

Sister, I pray for your sister, really I do, and for you and your family also.

As delicately as I can say this, the legal position you take in fighting for her daughter's custody, may end up being a permanent thing. Please be sure that should your sister disappear, or should she become unstable or sick and need care in an institution, or worse...make sure that your guardianship of this child is ironclad under any circumstance. I suggest that because we are rarely prepared for some hands life can deal us.

You are doing a wonderful job handling all this, just don't forget to take good care of yourself and not get lost in the process.

Hugs