SistersHelp

Just talked to my sister on the phone again. Suddenly she says she's going to get off OxyContin with the help of a fabulous new doctor who helped her to see the light. In the same breath, she tells me that she's also planning to leave the treatment centre and find a new one because the one she's in has a terrible reputation and isn't providing her any structure and support. She claims that she spoke to a counsellor at the women's resource centre who advised her to find another place to go. If she actually accomplishes this, it will be her third centre in about six weeks. Coincidentally, the place she wants to switch to now is very close to where I live. As always, nothing makes any sense.

I can't believe she suddenly wants off OxyContin after fighting tooth and nail for weeks on end to convince me it was a necessity. I also think it's unlikely the centre she's staying at actually has a bad reputation any more so than any other. They all have their problems but I don't believe this one has a bad reputation. I also don't believe someone from the women's centre would trash talk like that, and when I called the women's centre myself I got a message listing all the employees and their extensions and NONE of them had the name my sister gave me. Lastly, I don't want my sister living any closer to me than she already does.

With all that out on the table, I'm not going to get stressed about it - as much as I can help it - because there's a good chance all of it is just talk.

I'm very incredibly lucky not to have addiction issues myself because this relationship makes me want to drink.

Ann

It's impossible to make sense of that which isn't sensible...our addicts thoughts, even when they stop using and are in early recovery.

SistersHelp

Thanks (((Ann))), you're absolutely right. The thing that scares me sometimes is that I think my sister's personality disorder contributes so enormously to the problem that I don't know if she's capable of being honest even when she's sober. But you're right, I can't make sense out of these things and I don't even try to.

My sister has been angling to get into a different recovery centre. She phoned this morning to tell me she was going to fax in an application to another place. My own suspicions about this are that 1) she isn't getting along with the other women there - a phenomenon that happens everywhere she goes because she has very poor social skills, and 2) she is uncomfortable with the fact that the centre's director won't support her taking OxyContin indefinitely and has been pressuring her to try other pain relief options.

While we were having this conversation I could hear the house mother telling her she wasn't supposed to be on the phone and my sister lipped her off. I told her that she'd better be careful how she behaves and talks to people since she doesn't have a new place lined up yet.

Anyway, in her fax to the new centre that she wants to go to she wrote awful things about the staff at the centre she was faxing the application from. And of course... can you guess the end of this nonsense? Of course the director of the centre read the application form and was so offended by the content (I have no idea what she actually wrote) that she told my sister she has 48 hours to vacate the premises.

The catch is the director says she's not returning the rest of the month's rent money so my sister has nowhere to stay and no money to go anywhere.

She went to the women's resource centre to ask advice and they told her to get a bed at the Salvation Army.

When she called me, hoping I'd invite her to stay here, I told her the same thing, go to the Salvation Army.

So now she's freaking out. As usual.

I'm thinking about putting my head in the oven.

Ann

Sister, what have you been doing for "you" lately? Have you tried any meetings or taken time to go for a walk or read a good book or go on a picnic or anything fun?

Forgive me for saying but it seems that your day is filled with you sister's drama and as much as I know how that is because my life used to be filled with my son's, there comes a time when we turn off the saga and just do something positive for ourselves.

What she does, says, infers really doesn't matter, she will do what she will do. What matters here is you and how you are taking care of just you.

Hugs

SistersHelp

Thanks so much for that, (((Ann))). Because I'm a teacher, I'm on summer holidays right now, allowing me far too much time to pick up the phone and listen. But you're right. I just came back from a good workout at the gym which did wonders for the knots in my stomach. I am definitely going to try and keep working at not devoting too much of my life to this... (although I do find myself becoming a Sober Recovery forum addict... )

Impurrfect

Unfortunately, with the BPD she is always going to have drama in her life...any little thing is blown out of proportion.

Good for you for seconding the suggestion of Salvation Army. I have to say, the more she keeps acting out, the more distance she is putting between her and her daughter. Although it's sad, I'm glad her daughter has YOU! She was dead set on getting her daughter back....now she's put herself in a position to not have anywhere to go!

I'm glad the workout helped. Keep taking care of you. Since school is starting back soon, you will have other things to think about instead of your sister. We always love them, but, for me, it's nice to be able to get back into my "real world" and not get dragged into the drama.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

SistersHelp

Isn't that the truth. I just got a call from her counsellor at the women's resource centre who says she managed to convince the centre to let her stay until the end of the month. Then when she gets her next welfare cheque she can find another place to take her. I have mixed feelings about this because part of me wanted her to hit that infamous "rock bottom" we all talk about ... but every time I think she's hit rock bottom she manages to fall further. At the same time, of course, I'm relieved she has a place to stay. It's a mixed blessing for certain.

Tomorrow is our meeting with the Family Justice Counsellor after which I hope I will have a much clearer picture of what my niece's future may look like... and all this drama my sister is creating, as you say, is only adding to the hurdles she will face in trying to get her daughter back.

On the plus side, I took most of this off from the drama and spent a pleasant day on Granville Island with my niece and husband, window shopping and drooling on sailboats.

I feel like when I'm on this forum I spent most of my time venting about my situation and am not much use to anyone else in terms of offering advice or support. I hope that some day soon I will have some energy left to do better!

Impurrfect

I'm glad the 3 of you had a good day!

Don't worry about coming here and venting. I do the same..sometimes I just feel like a big ole whiny baby! But I've read other's "vents" and it either makes me realize I'm not alone, or makes me realize I don't have nearly as many problems as some others...and that makes me grateful.

So, whether you know it or not, you ARE probably helping others.

Good luck with the family justice counselor. I think it will go just fine.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

SistersHelp

(((Amy))), thanks for both of those those; I hope you are right about the first one! As for the second one, the appointment wasn't really wonderful but it wasn't really awful either. The counsellor was very kind and empathetic to our situation. But in the end, by seeing her, all we were doing was meeting with the requirements set out by the province before going to court. All she could really do was tell us that we needed some legal advice and that we have to do this in court because it's too complicated to settle it out of court.

So, on to the next hoop. We have to attend a class on Monday called "Parenting After Separation", and after that we have to go back to the courthouse and request a court date. She warned us there's a good chance this will require several appearances before a judge and that it's not going to be an easy or a short process.

So I guess it's time to stop walking on eggshells and waiting breathlessly for the next crisis. If this is our life now we'd better learn how to manage it.

So... we're going to the YMCA for the afternoon. Hubby is going to swim with our niece, and I'm going to hit the gym for some serious stress-reduction!

Impurrfect

I've found out that the things that take a long time often turn out just fine. I think that having several court appearances is the court's way of protectng your niece. It gives them a chance to see that you're really serious about doing what is best FOR HER and some people can fool a judge once, but over time "the real them" comes through. You have nothing to worry about!

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

LogCabin

I'm joining in late, but I just wanted to say that you are an amazing person. I don't see you as a snob at all. You are doing something that is so stressful and difficult. Keep doing what is best for the child. And being with her Addict Mom is not in her best interest.

Your sister is a master at BSing for sure. And as the director said...the counselors are very used to this. And can spot it.

Your niece needs to stay in a stable home. (And I wish I could buy her a stuffed animal too!) I was a child who had to be moved from one place to another in my childhood, and had to leave material things behind. I now have a pretty big toy collection. (I stopped adding to it finally, and have gotten rid of a lot of things...but I am certain it is directly related to my constant abandonment of my toys as a child. Don't get me started on going to 16 schools before graduating from high school, and the emotional effects on that!)

Anyway...I wish you luck with the legal battles. You are doing the right thing 100%.

Until your sister is 100% clean and sober from her addiction..she will continue to lie and panic at the slightest provocation. Oxy is some heavy stuff. But it can be beat. She needs to live totally clean for a while before she can start to address her personality disorders in my humble opinion, and get proper treatment for it.

And I agree with the director's statement that she can not take care of her daughter while on such heavy and dangerous medication. Or that if she is in such chronic pain...she can not take care of her under that condition either. She can't have it both ways.

SistersHelp

Yeah, that part really tears at my heart because she's old enough to really care about the things she's left behind in a way that she knows they can't be replaced. It's not enough to just get new things because she knows she has lost precious memories. I hate that this has happened to her... and I know she'll remember it her whole life.

My husband is taking a seven day road trip at the end of the month and he's going to take her with him. (They are very close.) The goal of this trip is going to be to stop at every souvenir place between Vancouver and Calgary and make some new stuffed-memories.

LogCabin

That will help.

We are all dealt with some pretty hard challenges in life. I used to think about military families...always having to move from one place to another.

But there is a difference between an "accepted" lifestyle, and living "that way", because your parents are so messed up. Although I have heard from people who did have to up and move a lot in the military and it was hard on them.

But for me...it was always so negative - drama and trauma. We would not be able to pay the rent. The utilities were cut off a lot. And my father was an active alcoholic, and my mom a rage-a-holic. (And alcoholic too, but the main one keeping it together for the 4 of us).

But we all have to deal with issues from our childhood. Material objects do not make us really happy in the end. It is the foundation we live in. It is our hearts. But try to explain this to a child....LOL. Just give her lots of hugs and love, and let her know she is very wanted.

It was the other adults in my life that made me feel wanted. And I was desperate to feel wanted, and a part of something. My Grandpa was wonderful...and I learned how to be a good parent from him. And I had an aunt who was very loving and close to me too. There are teachers and others who gave me guidance, and support.

You, and your husband are shining stars in her eyes. I am sure.

ladyamalthea

I'm so glad she has you two in her life! I almost cried when I read that your husband is going to try to help her build some new memories that she can hold on to in stuffed animals... those were so important to me as a child. In fact, I still have a few of them, and could never bare to give them up lol.

SistersHelp

Funny, isn't it? I have a few of my old babies too from when I was very very little. In fact when my niece and I were talking about sad she was to have lost her precious memory-filled items, I showed her some of mine and we talked about how those things are special not because of what they are, but because of the memories attached to them. I talked to her about how my stuffed babies were special because of who gave them to me - my parents, my grandparents, my aunties and uncles.... and we talked about how she has lost some of those special items, she still has all the special people in her life that make things like that matter. And so new special memories will happen, without a doubt.

*


We went to the court-mandated parenting class this morning. Most of it was focused on helping children cope with the divorce or separation of their parents, but there will still aspects of it that were useful. Good reminders about how important it is not to criticize the parents in front of the children, and not to argue in front of them. Things we already knew, but good reminders nonetheless.

Wednesday we are meeting with a lawyer to get some legal advice and to find out whether or not we really stand a chance of getting legal custody. Half the time I feel very encouraged when people tell me the courts always act in the best interest of the child - because I feel this would be in her best interests... and the other half the time I am frightened when people say that the courts always try to keep parents and children together if at all possible.

Anyway, most importantly, I am trying to learn to relax and accept that I cannot control the outcome of this situation. All I can do is provide my niece with the best home I can for as long as I am permitted to.

SistersHelp

Thank you so much for those kind words. That's exactly what I want for her, to feel wanted and adored, no matter where she ends up. I'm frightened, of course, that if she is returned to her mother after an ugly court battle that we won't be allowed to see her again or be able to provide that kind of love and support for her anymore. But whatever happens, I hope she can feel how much we love her and take that with here wherever she goes.

SistersHelp

My sister called this morning to tell me she can't find another rehab centre to take her (she's been kicked out of this one as of the end of the month) and now she wants to try and find a supported living facility that will allow her to live with her daughter in the home.

I guess this is a better option than returning her daughter to her to just live in their own place with no one checking on them... but the idea of a little girl living in a place like that bothers me. Based on what I saw at the rehab home, these women have no concept of what is appropriate for children to be exposed to and what isn't. It troubles me to think of her living in a place like that.

My sister was also talking big about how she would have her daughter back in a snap once the judge heard her case... made me sick to think she might be right. But what can I do? Nothing. She keeps telling me that the advisors at legal aid tell her she's going to win this fight hands down... and I have no way of knowing if she's telling me the truth or if she's just trying to scare me (which she often does).

We are meeting with our lawyer tomorrow. Hoping hoping hoping for some encouraging words there.

SistersHelp

More drama.

My sister has been kicked out of this rehab centre (i.e. she no longer has until the end of the month -- she was kicked out effective immediately) because she was caught double-doctoring and picking up prescriptions at several pharmacies. They also think she's been giving her drugs to other women in the centre.

The workers at her current rehab centre have dropped her off at the Salvation Army and she has been calling me from there asking me to come and get her and take her to another centre.

We've decided not to.

Ugh, that's hard to do. Really really hard.

The workers also told me that she has taken off with 100 OxyContin pills in her possession and that they suspect she may suicide.

What are we going to tell her daughter if this happens?

I'm kind of numb. I'm at a point where I feel that if my sister died I wouldn't even be losing my sister because I don't know this person she has become. But her daughter loves her so much. I don't want to be a doom-monger... but I want to be prepared to talk to her daughter about this if it happens.

Anyone have experience with this? Please help if you do. Or even if you just have ideas.

lostparent

As hard as it was I'm glad you didn't go get her. Your doing a great thing trying to protect her daughter. I have no advice if worse comes to worse an she does kill herself except tell her the truth as nicely as possible. Sending prayers that you get custody.

SistersHelp

Thank you, lostparent. It's really hard not to help but I have to remind myself that helping my sister could be hurting her daughter. We're going to the lawyer tomorrow. I hope the lawyer is helpful.

*

My sister gave my phone number to some strange man who just phoned the house to tell me that my sister got shafted at her recovery house, that the people who work there are all awful people who lie about everything and he wanted me to come and get my sister and take her to another recovery house.

When I asked him who he was he said he is from AA and that he drives many of the girls at the recovery centre to meetings. He says he's listened to them talk for a long time and he knows everything about the recovery centre.

I feel like I have to trust the people at the recovery house over this unknown man.

My sister is really good at making things hard.