Fighting for Custody
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Sisters-
There must be something in the air today?!
As I was reading your post, I was trying to walk in your shoes. Often that frustation and fear comes from other things or at least they promote them.
That fear when they are in rehab., and they don't appear to be trying or honest. Oh, that would set off.. fear for me! I am so glad your sister is now settled in a new place. It is those unknowns that can be so scary.
I also understand your need/want to do something, now. And having a hard time not. May be due to previous experience with her- emergency crisis time, the need to react quickly, your life being turned upside down.
I'm sorry about the stuff with social services, etc.. That comment regarding your fear that your neice could be burned.. ewwwww-
Take care
There must be something in the air today?!
As I was reading your post, I was trying to walk in your shoes. Often that frustation and fear comes from other things or at least they promote them.
That fear when they are in rehab., and they don't appear to be trying or honest. Oh, that would set off.. fear for me! I am so glad your sister is now settled in a new place. It is those unknowns that can be so scary.
I also understand your need/want to do something, now. And having a hard time not. May be due to previous experience with her- emergency crisis time, the need to react quickly, your life being turned upside down.
I'm sorry about the stuff with social services, etc.. That comment regarding your fear that your neice could be burned.. ewwwww-
Take care
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Along with niece came Kitty and Hamster, her two best friends. Welcoming these two into our home has been an adventure. Hamster is no trouble... he (she?) was just pleased to be with a family that actually remembered to feed him and change his cage once in awhile. Kitty, on the other hand, has been a challenge. Our pups don't think very much of him and can't understand how this giant slinking creature is able to leap so effortlessly over the baby gates that keep them penned in to specific parts of the house. Kitty is an evil genius who can not only get over the baby gate, but can also open the basement door and any cupboard in the house he feels like checking out. However, if Kitty were the biggest of the worries we'd be laughing.
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We went down the courthouse this morning and filed an order to apply for custody.
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We went down the courthouse this morning and filed an order to apply for custody.
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I spoke with my sister on the phone this afternoon and explained the application for custody that we have filed. I explained to her, truthfully, that as soon as she is clean and sober she can apply to have custody revert back to her and we will not contest it. We want her to be a mother to her child. She was surprisingly calm about this. Maybe these four weeks without any street drugs have cleared her vision a little... I find myself afraid to feel any hope, even though I desperately want to.
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I picked her up this afternoon to take her to her daughter's play. I brought her back to my house to visit with her cat first... and showed her the legal papers. I was really surprised but she actually signed. I'm breathing again.
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This may be a bit later but your concern for her fooling everyone in rehab was mine for my AD. Everyone always loves her, she is the biggest con there is. I wrote here asking the same thing and everyone here assured me councelors know what they are doing.
Well I had a meeting which I haven't talked about yet but let me tell you, they know her backwards and forwards. And I think even she knows herself now. Amazing how they break through, but they do it so don't worry.
I am happy she is being so cooperative with you. And Cats well, they are their own being Lol...Hang in there....Your doing great it sounds like.
Well I had a meeting which I haven't talked about yet but let me tell you, they know her backwards and forwards. And I think even she knows herself now. Amazing how they break through, but they do it so don't worry.
I am happy she is being so cooperative with you. And Cats well, they are their own being Lol...Hang in there....Your doing great it sounds like.
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Thanks Lynzi... this makes it a lot easier to enjoy the weekend. 
And Beegee, I appreciate you saying SO much! It is a huge concern of mine because my sister is very charismatic and I get worried that she'll figure out a way to get around people in rehab too. Hearing that you've been through something similar and that the workers know what they're doing is very encouraging news. I'm glad to hear your AD is making some progress.
And Beegee, I appreciate you saying SO much! It is a huge concern of mine because my sister is very charismatic and I get worried that she'll figure out a way to get around people in rehab too. Hearing that you've been through something similar and that the workers know what they're doing is very encouraging news. I'm glad to hear your AD is making some progress.
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Heya sistershelp-
Oh man- I just want to send your niece a teddy bear- get her started on a new collection!! She is lucky to have you - paying attention - doing the right thing in taking care of her.
Take it one day at a time. Keep the focus on what's best for you and your niece.
Sending prayers your way and (((hugs)))
Peace,
B
Oh man- I just want to send your niece a teddy bear- get her started on a new collection!! She is lucky to have you - paying attention - doing the right thing in taking care of her.
Take it one day at a time. Keep the focus on what's best for you and your niece.
Sending prayers your way and (((hugs)))
Peace,
B
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Awww, thanks Bernadette. I feel just the same way... it's hard not to spoil her completely rotten trying to make up for all she's been through! But I'm working at providing her with a "normal" life with some structure and rules and not toooo many treats. 
(Hard for a sappy auntie to do, let me tell you!)
(Hard for a sappy auntie to do, let me tell you!)
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I'm not sure if it's part of her recovery program, or if it's just her conscience pricking at her, but lately during the nightly phone conversations my sister has started apologizing to her daughter for being high all the time throughout her childhood and for missing so many important things when she was passed out.
Niece, being the sweet thing that she is, won't listen to any apologies. In fact, she denies what my sister says as even being true. "Oh no, mum, you didn't miss anything important. You're the best mum in the world."
So... what's my part here? I'm not sure if she's just being kind (she really is a very empathetic little thing) or if she's actually in denial.
Do I try to guide her through the idea that it's okay to be ticked off with the way that her mother has behaved and that she should have had so much more (like a conscience person to talk to and spend time with?) That it's okay to be angry and that she can still love her mother at the same time?
Or... do I just butt out and let them work through it together?
Niece, being the sweet thing that she is, won't listen to any apologies. In fact, she denies what my sister says as even being true. "Oh no, mum, you didn't miss anything important. You're the best mum in the world."
So... what's my part here? I'm not sure if she's just being kind (she really is a very empathetic little thing) or if she's actually in denial.
Do I try to guide her through the idea that it's okay to be ticked off with the way that her mother has behaved and that she should have had so much more (like a conscience person to talk to and spend time with?) That it's okay to be angry and that she can still love her mother at the same time?
Or... do I just butt out and let them work through it together?
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My sister called tonight in a panic. It's finally hit home with her that she actually has some serious work ahead of her in terms of getting through this rehab program, and then rebuilding her life. She has no home, no job, no money, no nothing... and she's suddenly realising that this is a problem. Maybe she didn't notice this before because of the drugs? Suddenly she's seeing that regaining custody of her child is going to be more than just marking time... she has to have a home for the child to live in. She has to figure out how to support them both.
She's scared.
And so am I.
She doesn't see that right now, that I'm scared too. That raising her child wasn't the way I had planned my life out either. That we were no more prepared for this than she was.
Because of her addiction and because of her mental illness, I don't know if she'll ever be able to see beyond her own immediate needs and wants. It's exhausting.
She's scared.
And so am I.
She doesn't see that right now, that I'm scared too. That raising her child wasn't the way I had planned my life out either. That we were no more prepared for this than she was.
Because of her addiction and because of her mental illness, I don't know if she'll ever be able to see beyond her own immediate needs and wants. It's exhausting.
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As a recovering addict, I can tell you what your sister is feeling is pretty normal. When reality smacked me in the face, it was a rude awakening.
I didn't go to rehab...I went to jail then a diversion center (like a work release program). I was SO excited to get out, but then realize how bad I'd really screwed up....legally/financially/career was GONE!
Fortunately, most rehabs are used to this and have many resources to help addicts get back into the world.
How is your niece? I was thinking about your next-to-last post. My niece is almost 15...her mom died when she was a baby and her dad is a manipulative crack addict who she doesn't want anything to do with. She would do the same as your niece...it looked like she was downplaying things to me.
I just started sharing with her how I feel in certain situations...that sometimes I get angry, frustrated, sad, etc. and it's okay. She also learned how I get through those feelings and that they don't overwhelm me. It took a while, but she's gotten better about at least acknowledging her feelings. She's always been angry, and I keep telling her she has a right to be angry....she's dealt with a lot in her young age. But I also tell her there are better ways of dealing with it (she used to just cuss everyone out and we all loved her but didn't like her). It didn't happen right away, but she's getting better.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
I didn't go to rehab...I went to jail then a diversion center (like a work release program). I was SO excited to get out, but then realize how bad I'd really screwed up....legally/financially/career was GONE!
Fortunately, most rehabs are used to this and have many resources to help addicts get back into the world.
How is your niece? I was thinking about your next-to-last post. My niece is almost 15...her mom died when she was a baby and her dad is a manipulative crack addict who she doesn't want anything to do with. She would do the same as your niece...it looked like she was downplaying things to me.
I just started sharing with her how I feel in certain situations...that sometimes I get angry, frustrated, sad, etc. and it's okay. She also learned how I get through those feelings and that they don't overwhelm me. It took a while, but she's gotten better about at least acknowledging her feelings. She's always been angry, and I keep telling her she has a right to be angry....she's dealt with a lot in her young age. But I also tell her there are better ways of dealing with it (she used to just cuss everyone out and we all loved her but didn't like her). It didn't happen right away, but she's getting better.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
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Thanks ((Amy)), I appreciate that a lot. I really really hope my sister will make some good decisions. I feel so depressed when I visit her in the recovery centre because she's living there with a bunch of women who seem so much more "together" than she does. I mean, they're all on the same path of recovery, but even on her best day, my sister just doesn't seem as rational and sane as the others. She has borderline personality disorder and it just makes her completely impossible to deal with sometimes. She has the classic "splitting" which makes her see everything in terms of black and white. So on days when I do what she wants, I'm a saint, an angel, all things light and pure. And then when I don't do what she wants I'm the devil incarnate. And it's so hard to be either one.
She's had a couple of weeks of being happy with me. Now I'm back to being satan. Today she called to tell me she isn't going to finish this program because she misses her daughter too much and it's impeding her progress. She claims that the directors of the centre agree with her that she should leave and get a place and get her child back as soon as possible. It seems unlikely to me that they would truly support her in something like this... but how do I know?
I ended up getting so frustrated listening to her rant that I hung up on her.
I hate it when I lose control of my own emotions like that.
She's had a couple of weeks of being happy with me. Now I'm back to being satan. Today she called to tell me she isn't going to finish this program because she misses her daughter too much and it's impeding her progress. She claims that the directors of the centre agree with her that she should leave and get a place and get her child back as soon as possible. It seems unlikely to me that they would truly support her in something like this... but how do I know?
I ended up getting so frustrated listening to her rant that I hung up on her.
I hate it when I lose control of my own emotions like that.
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Sigh. My parents drove all the way out to the west coast from the prairies to visit, and made plans to visit my sister in rehab this afternoon. An hour and a half before they were supposed to arrive, she called me to say someone in the treatment centre stole her medication (oxycontin) and that she was going to the emergency room to get more. I asked her to wait until my parents arrived so they would know what was going on, and she wouldn't do it. So I phoned my parents to let them know not to bother driving all the way out to her rehab centre. They weren't surprised at all... I'm not so sure why I was. I guess I have too much faith in her to be a decent human being... and she's not.
I don't understand how her medication could be stolen when it's supposed to be under lock and key at all times.
The last time I spoke to her before this incident, she told me she'd been a walk-in clinic where the doctor had diagnosed her with a spinal tumour (!!!!!) and confirmed that she would have to stay on oxycontin until she has surgery, with a two or three year waiting list. (At various time she has claimed to have cancer, multiple sclerosis, bleeding ulcers... none of it true.)
It's so frustrating dealing with her. How stupid would I have to be to believe a walk-in clinic doctor could diagnose a tumour? And tell her, with no medical history and records, that she needs to take this drug for years? Or to tell her how long she would wait for surgery? None of it makes sense whatsoever, and yet to even argue with her is an exercise in futility.
I don't understand why she's even in treatment... she obviously doesn't want to change.
I don't understand how her medication could be stolen when it's supposed to be under lock and key at all times.
The last time I spoke to her before this incident, she told me she'd been a walk-in clinic where the doctor had diagnosed her with a spinal tumour (!!!!!) and confirmed that she would have to stay on oxycontin until she has surgery, with a two or three year waiting list. (At various time she has claimed to have cancer, multiple sclerosis, bleeding ulcers... none of it true.)
It's so frustrating dealing with her. How stupid would I have to be to believe a walk-in clinic doctor could diagnose a tumour? And tell her, with no medical history and records, that she needs to take this drug for years? Or to tell her how long she would wait for surgery? None of it makes sense whatsoever, and yet to even argue with her is an exercise in futility.
I don't understand why she's even in treatment... she obviously doesn't want to change.
Last edited by SistersHelp; 07-27-2008 at 02:50 PM.
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I'm so glad you're still keeping us updated... I was wondering how this was going.
I don't know that I can offer any kind of advice on any of this at this point... the important thing is that the child is safe for today. You are all in my thoughts and prayers...
*hugs*
I don't know that I can offer any kind of advice on any of this at this point... the important thing is that the child is safe for today. You are all in my thoughts and prayers...
*hugs*
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Thanks (((ladyamathea))) -- I am working to keep that in mind... trying to keep that the focus of everything. I appreciate the support... it's crazy how sad and depressing this can be, and how much the supportive words of other people who've shared similar experiences can lift you back up when you're dog tired. It means a lot to me.
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I'm glad you're checking in with us, too. I have a friend who has borderline personality disorder, and it IS really hard to keep up with her at times. I've learned how to detach from her in a few ways, because it seems she has a lot of drama. She is a very good friend, though, and has always been there for me. I can imagine it's harder when it's your sister. You love them dearly, but at times you just want to shake some sense in their head
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
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Thanks (((Amy))). I think being able to detach to some degree is important with both loved addicts and loved BPD sufferers. You just can't stay too closely involved without getting burned.
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My parents, who were un-invited to visit my sister in rehab when she announced she was going to the Emergency Room for more OxyContin, decided to go to the centre anyway to speak with the centre's director. They have been paying for the OxyContin prescription on the understanding that the prescription was being reduced over time with a plan to switch to some other pain medication in the near future.
When they spoke with the director at the centre she said that my sister has been lying to everyone in the centre about various medical conditions requiring OxyContin and that in her opinion my sister needs a proper detox and shouldn't even be in the rehab centre at all while she's on this medication.
Basically, she bluntly told my parents that she doesn't think my sister has any interest in getting off the drug and that she's using the rehab centre for free room and board.
She also said that my sister cannot be a fit mother in her condition and that she would be willing to go to court to say so. That's both reassuring and terrifying at the same time. Apparently she's been making threats to run away from the rehab centre and come here to kidnap her daughter back from us. I'm kind of scared of that and not sure how to protect her daughter without making her paranoid... how can I tell her that if he mom appears and wants her to go with her that she has to scream and run away? Would she even listen to me? Would hearing that just mess her up?
It's all so exhausting. I wonder if things will ever be simple again.
*
My parents, who were un-invited to visit my sister in rehab when she announced she was going to the Emergency Room for more OxyContin, decided to go to the centre anyway to speak with the centre's director. They have been paying for the OxyContin prescription on the understanding that the prescription was being reduced over time with a plan to switch to some other pain medication in the near future.
When they spoke with the director at the centre she said that my sister has been lying to everyone in the centre about various medical conditions requiring OxyContin and that in her opinion my sister needs a proper detox and shouldn't even be in the rehab centre at all while she's on this medication.
Basically, she bluntly told my parents that she doesn't think my sister has any interest in getting off the drug and that she's using the rehab centre for free room and board.
She also said that my sister cannot be a fit mother in her condition and that she would be willing to go to court to say so. That's both reassuring and terrifying at the same time. Apparently she's been making threats to run away from the rehab centre and come here to kidnap her daughter back from us. I'm kind of scared of that and not sure how to protect her daughter without making her paranoid... how can I tell her that if he mom appears and wants her to go with her that she has to scream and run away? Would she even listen to me? Would hearing that just mess her up?
It's all so exhausting. I wonder if things will ever be simple again.
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This is just my instinct speaking, and I may be wrong, but my initial thought is that it might be smart to teach her daughter to run. Maybe you could take the approach of, "Mom is still sick. I know that once she gets better she will be a great mom... but for now, she's not better." Something along those lines. That way, you're not bashing her mom, but still protecting her? You may also want to contact her school and inform them of the situation.
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Well, on to the next steps in trying to obtain legal custody. We have to attend a course called "Parenting After Separation" designed to help parents learn how best to parent children who've been separated from one or both of their parents. I think this could actually be very useful for us... at least I hope so.
And we've also got an appointment to meet with a family justice counsellor. I'm not totally sure what this meeting will even be about but it's a requirement of the courts before appearing before a judge. And we're trying to make sure we're doing everything totally legally and properly so Niece is protected as much as she can be.
I'm still not sure if we actually have to go to court with my sister... I sure hope not. As much as I've been venting about her here, I don't want to do that publicly or in front of her.... I don't want to put her through the stress of having to listen to us give evidence of her inability to parent her child... it's too heartbreaking for us, let alone for her.
And we've also got an appointment to meet with a family justice counsellor. I'm not totally sure what this meeting will even be about but it's a requirement of the courts before appearing before a judge. And we're trying to make sure we're doing everything totally legally and properly so Niece is protected as much as she can be.
I'm still not sure if we actually have to go to court with my sister... I sure hope not. As much as I've been venting about her here, I don't want to do that publicly or in front of her.... I don't want to put her through the stress of having to listen to us give evidence of her inability to parent her child... it's too heartbreaking for us, let alone for her.
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