Feeling failure

Old 07-14-2008, 09:20 AM
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Feeling failure

I'm making plans to finally move out. My husband was in rehab for a month, fairly nice to me for another month and now is going downhill again. Lies, verbal abuse, making my life a living hell. How do I get past the feeling that I'm a total failure?
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Old 07-14-2008, 09:31 AM
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It will not happen overnight but it will happen in increments with every step you take on your own.

As you you recognize more and more of your own strengths, you will also recognize the failure is not yours.

God Bless.
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Old 07-14-2008, 09:39 AM
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Winners know when to walk away and save themselves. You sound like a winner to me.
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Old 07-14-2008, 09:40 AM
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I'm so angry that I'm the one that has to leave and do all the work associated with it.
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Old 07-14-2008, 09:42 AM
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I hope I'm a winner. I'm trying.
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Old 07-14-2008, 09:47 AM
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Your not a failure he is. Your doing the best you can, is he? Why is it you have to leave and not him? I would be for making a new start, new memories and leave the old ones behind with him.
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Old 07-14-2008, 09:50 AM
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He won't leave, claims the house is "his". His family helped with the down payment. If it belongs to anyone, it belongs to them. He hasn't put in a dime since we bought it. I'm willing to lose the house if it means getting rid of him.
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Old 07-14-2008, 10:41 AM
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A step at a time - a day at a time. I see you as a strong capable woman, taking care of herself. Saying "I will not live like this any more". And that is huge!

Living with addicts - even newly clean - is crazy making. And they always make it "our fault". In recovery, I don't have to listen to that or believe it.

I have to do my part to find recovery, to talk and cry with friends that understand, and to just keep trekking on. It will get better - I promise. But when you are in the middle, it doesn't feel like that.

I like the Naranon/Alanon "Just for Today" thing. "Just for today I can do something that would appall me if I had to keep it up for a lifetime" .... or something like that.

Love in recovery,
Jody Hepler
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Old 07-14-2008, 10:55 AM
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I will be praying for you!
Hope all goes well!!

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Old 07-14-2008, 11:51 AM
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hi, i think you are a winner too. sounds like you have a plan, even if its not the one you hoped for. the decision that you are making for yourself may be the best thing for the both of you. imo, you are taking care of yourself and at the same time allowing him to face the consequences of his actions. hopefully he'll find his bottom and decide to seek help. keeping you and yours in my prayers
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Old 07-14-2008, 02:15 PM
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For me it wasn't about winning or losing - it was about living or dying.

Just like the post from Language of Letting Go - We are deserving of love.

Most of the time living with an active addict has no love. Leaving is about choosing a healthy environment for your mind, body, soul and spirit to grow, to nuture and to prosper.

It's not him winning and you losing - It's simply know when it's time to walk away because it is the most healthy and loving thing to do for everyone - especially yourself.

In my relationship with my HP, there is nothing that I give up to follow His guidance that He doesn't replace with something 10 x better - it may not be financial things, but it is usually serene things. For me, that means so much more.

Peace to you my friend. You are taking steps on a brave path - wishing you the courage and strength to let the past be the past and to embrace your beautiful new future.

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Old 07-14-2008, 03:48 PM
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Hey paprika,
keep moving, one step at a time. Ending a marriage is always hard. I've been there and I thought I would never be okay or happy again. But I am. You just have to start the journey.
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Old 07-14-2008, 04:40 PM
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When I left my ex this is what I said to myself. What am I going to miss, he is never here,when he is he is in his office. I will make one less plate for dinner, no big deal.
I may miss the financial freedom and the nice things BUT I won't be dissapointed from expecting something I never get from him emotionally. So I am going to live, laugh and smile again. And I did! Being married and lonely is abusieve but being married and abused
is not worth it. You can do it woman! You will be happier..
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Old 07-14-2008, 05:06 PM
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The only failure I see in this situation is in a person who is not in this thread. I know you don't see it that way, but like Outtolunch said, a winner knows when to walk away.

Congrats for having clear enough of a mind to know when to call it quits.
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Old 07-14-2008, 07:04 PM
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For me, I don't look at walking away from something that is so bad for us as a failure. Not saying it's easy either, but failure was not one of the words I would have used to describe how I personally felt. I know I tried. I did my work. I was willing to work and open to anything that would help. That wasn't a failure.

This digging in and not leaving "their" house/home seems to be a very common thread. I was just talking about this with someone the other day; the unwillingness of the addict to be the one to say - I've really screwed up and I know I should be the one to leave and start again, I've already put you thru enough. So many just won't do it, and for our own sanity we have to leave. They are incapable and unable to do this. But, you know what? When I left and packed my stuff, my "home" bit by bit was being packed into those boxes and bit by bit, while I was unpacking - I am in my home. It feels good, it is addiction free, and I don't miss the previous structure. Do I necessarily think it was "right" - maybe not, but that doesn't matter - happiness and health are ahead of me, and I want that more than anything.

I'm sorry you are having to do all the work, I know that's what it felt like for me too, but just remember that by doing the work, you are going to benefit from it - your life is going to be better. You are going to have better tools to have a more fulfilled, peaceful life. YOU are definitely worth that - don't you think?

Good luck to you! (((hugs)))
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Old 07-14-2008, 08:13 PM
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All I have to say is that you weren't the failure....maybe a little counciling can prove that to you and then you can go on with your life...Best of luck, and Smiles, Bonnie
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Old 07-14-2008, 08:15 PM
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Good for you that you recognize that you need to take care of you. It's not easy to make the decision to leave... seems like it should be, given the circumstances, I know. BUT... you didn't fail. You didn't cause the problem and you deserve to have your life and to be happy.

I made the decision to end my marriage too. Once I told my AH, it took 6 months for him to move out. He has been out for only a couple weeks. It has been very hard. I don't miss him... not one bit... BUT, we have two kids and I am having trouble getting used to that fact that my life is now my own. Not sure what to do with myself, but know that I love the peace and not having to deal with the issues that his drug use caused. Would love to tell you that I am happy, but not yet. Working towards peace, but I know I made the right decision even though I have had to do the hard stuff to make it happen.

HUGS to you!
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