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Old 07-13-2008, 03:14 PM
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Your 2 cents, please

My 19 year old AD is once again addicted to her DOC, heroin. Heroin and stealing go hand in hand.

AD is employed by people I know. AD has access to the cash register and a key to the store. It is only a matter of time before she takes enough to be detected. I also work in this town and my business depends upon my name and personal integrity.

As most of us know, most people operate with the belief system that they have control over their adult children or that they did a good enough job raising them that their adult children will live on the straight and narrow. Of course, most people do not understand because they have no reason to. Heck, I was once one of them.

And so while I grapple with what to do on the home front, I also grapple with telling the shop owners what's going on and that they need to change their locks, now. My interest is to keep my daughter's name out of the paper because it's going to impact my business. How's this for focusing on me?

AD has been diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder meaning she has symptoms of a variety of mood disorders and schizophrenia. I can't tell where emotional/mental illness stops and addiction behaviors begin.

And so, my question of the day is, would you alert the shop owner to the situation or MYOB and let this play out?
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Old 07-13-2008, 03:25 PM
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Dear Out To Lunch, I truthfully do not know what to tell you. There are plenty of people who come here that have more experience than I do. I am sure they will have some good advice for you.
Wishing you the best of luck,
Diane
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Old 07-13-2008, 03:33 PM
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Acutally, oftentimes the addiction has something to do with the mental illness; it's that person's way of self medicating their pain away.

I wish I knew what to tell you about the situation with the shop owner. Is this shop owner a friend of yours, or just an acquaintance? If you are comfortable talking to him or her about the situation, go for it.

I don't know that there's really a right or wrong to this one, because your daughter will still do whatever she wants to do regardless. If she doesn't steal from the shop owner, she'll just find another way to get that money, and the other way will probably do your reputation no favors either.

I know this was the most ambiguous answer I could have given; maybe the old saying of let go and let God applies?
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Old 07-13-2008, 03:35 PM
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Originally Posted by outtolunch View Post
My 19 year old AD is once again addicted to her DOC, heroin. Heroin and stealing go hand in hand.

AD is employed by people I know. AD has access to the cash register and a key to the store. It is only a matter of time before she takes enough to be detected. I also work in this town and my business depends upon my name and personal integrity.

As most of us know, most people operate with the belief system that they have control over their adult children or that they did a good enough job raising them that their adult children will live on the straight and narrow. Of course, most people do not understand because they have no reason to. Heck, I was once one of them.

And so while I grapple with what to do on the home front, I also grapple with telling the shop owners what's going on and that they need to change their locks, now. My interest is to keep my daughter's name out of the paper because it's going to impact my business. How's this for focusing on me?

AD has been diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder meaning she has symptoms of a variety of mood disorders and schizophrenia. I can't tell where emotional/mental illness stops and addiction behaviors begin.

And so, my question of the day is, would you alert the shop owner to the situation or MYOB and let this play out?
AD is employed by people I know.
If their kid was stealing from you for drug money would you want them to tell you?

If they didn't and they let their kid steal from you and said their excuse was well we were focusing on us. How would that work for you? Would you still call them friends?

If this was not your child, would you let someone else steal from them?


I also work in this town and my business depends upon my name and personal integrity.
Personal integrity, and focusing on ourselves sometimes means doing
the right thing, especially when it is the hardest thing.

JMO, If it were me, that is how I would look at it, I would not let my friends or anyone really, get their money stolen from if had any idea about it.
That's just me though. I'm sure whatever decision you make will be the right one for you..

:ghug3
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Old 07-13-2008, 03:58 PM
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Originally Posted by Done-With-It View Post
If their kid was stealing from you for drug money would you want them to tell you?

If they didn't and they let their kid steal from you and said their excuse was well we were focusing on us. How would that work for you? Would you still call them friends?

If this was not your child, would you let someone else steal from them?




Personal integrity, and focusing on ourselves sometimes means doing
the right thing, especially when it is the hardest thing.
JMO, If it were me, that is how I would look at it, I would not let my friends or anyone really, get their money stolen from if had any idea about it.
That's just me though. I'm sure whatever decision you make will be the right one for you.. :ghug3
In my heart, I agree with you.

And yet, it feels like crossing some invisible line.
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Old 07-13-2008, 04:20 PM
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Originally Posted by outtolunch View Post
In my heart, I agree with you.

And yet, it feels like crossing some invisible line.
I can Totally understand that, It can also depend on maybe
how you look at it. I'm not going to be the one who lets
her get away with stealing money to buy her heroin.
IF she is going to self destruct, hurt herself, etc. I'm not
going to be okay with that, and I'm not going to let her
steal money from other people to dig her grave.
That is a gift you can give to her not a punishment.

IF I fell back into my cutting and started stealing razor blades
from stores again, which is what I used to do, I would hope
my Mom or anyone would turn me in. I stole ipecac for my
eating disorder, for some dumb reason I didn't like to buy
blades or ipecac, the thrill of the death chase excited me.
But to be perfectly honest with you each time I was stealing
the blades, the ipecac, as thrilling as it was, a part of me was
begging for someone, anyone to catch me, because I didn't
know how to stop myself. I knew each time I was playing with
my life. But..... For me whatever it took, was my mission...

I only use those examples because that's when I stole, never did
it for drugs, so I can relate to the stealing part, being that desperate.

I think sometimes when people are on a mission of self destruction,
the lines can change a little bit. I can understand about loyalty.
I would die for my family, but I won't stand by and watch them.

I do understand your thoughts though..
I am sorry you are even having to go through this..
More than you know..


:ghug2
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Old 07-13-2008, 05:12 PM
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That invisible line. Kinda like those heart strings, you can't see them, but you sure do feel them.

I have two opinions, having been the victim of two robberies, one from my employee, I would want to know at least that there is a potential for the problem, on the other hand, if she is working and she hasn't stolen and gets canned because of your conversation, how much damage will be done, then to make matters worse, what about the next job she gets, do you let them know too? Where does your responsibility end?

You are kinda in a real pickle here. If you know in your heart that she will steal from them, maybe you should have that conversation and let her know that you will have to have that conversation with anyone that you know who employees her until she cleans up her act. If you aren't sure that she will steal from them, then I would say, hands off the addict, give it over to your higher power. It's not yours to own. Just because she is your daughter, doesn't make you responsible for her actions, besides, if it is a small town, everyone knows already any how. If her employer is a friend, maybe you could explain that she has had a drug problem in the past and you just want to make them aware of that. I don't think I would elaborate on my fears that she might steal from them, even addicts deserve not to be acused of something they haven't done yet, no matter how likely the chances are that they will.

I was real upset when my addicted employee robbed us, everyone in the whole town knew he was an addict and a thief. Being new in town, I was the only one who didn't know. It would have been nice if someone had spoke up, but through my own recovery, I realized it really wasn't their responsibility to give me that information, I only had myself to blame for not checking out his history and asking questions and requiring referances.

Just another angle for you to think about.

Hugs and Prayers
B
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Old 07-13-2008, 06:21 PM
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Originally Posted by Done-With-It View Post
IF I fell back into my cutting and started stealing razor blades
from stores again, which is what I used to do, I would hope
my Mom or anyone would turn me in. I stole ipecac for my
eating disorder, for some dumb reason I didn't like to buy
blades or ipecac, the thrill of the death chase excited me.
But to be perfectly honest with you each time I was stealing
the blades, the ipecac, as thrilling as it was, a part of me was
begging for someone, anyone to catch me, because I didn't
know how to stop myself. I knew each time I was playing with
my life. But..... For me whatever it took, was my mission...

:ghug2
My daughter has struggled with self injury and an eating disorder, too. It's as if she got a punch list of self destructive behaviors and is hell bent on hitting them all.
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Old 07-13-2008, 06:39 PM
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Originally Posted by outtolunch View Post
My daughter has struggled with self injury and an eating disorder, too. It's as if she got a punch list of self destructive behaviors and is hell bent on hitting them all.

I am pretty sure I remember you saying that, it's such
a strong cycle. I feel her pain as well I really do.
I understand, as well as I can without being her,
where she is at all to well....
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Old 07-13-2008, 06:46 PM
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Originally Posted by frankly View Post

Where does your responsibility end?
She is in active addiction. As such, she steals. Do I know with certainty she is stealing from her employer? Absolutely not. I don't work there and I am not with her while she is working. Is it possible that she has enough sense to not steal from her employer? I seriously doubt it. It's the most convenient cash cow, at the moment and the people are also the most likely to not involve the Police, if and when they catch her. She knows this. She may be seriously troubled/disturbed, but she is not stupid.

Heroin addicts steal, especially young and unskilled addicts. Because I know this, does it mean I have a responsibility to follow her 24/7 and make anyone she comes in contact with aware that she will steal, con, borrow or manipulate money or something that can be sold for money? Where exactly does the responsibility end? Does it ever end? Should it end?

I just don't know. I appreciate the all the feedback.
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Old 07-13-2008, 08:32 PM
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I'd head straight to my addiction therapist and ask him, so I'm no help

I'll say my prayers for you and that she hits bottom soon.
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