He'll Never Learn
 

I just wanted to let you know what was going on with my AS. He was in Wk Release & wking as a cook. After 5 days on the job he got fired for getting into an arguement with the a co wker. At least that is what he told us. His father called & they said it was Misconduct but that could mean anything. To make a long story short he is back in jail with parole coming up for Sept 10th.
Jim drove all the way to Wk Release to bring him his clothes on June 27th & now he had someone call & ask us to pick up his clothes at Wk Release...........he screws up over and over and then dumps on us to pick up the pieces. We feel like saying the heck with it lose your clothes.
He also has had the nerve to ask if he can use our address for parole. Otherwise he said he has to stay in jail until Dec 09.
I am so fed up with him. Almost 42 yrs old. I doubt if he will ever learn.

Yeah... of course you have to do what is comfortable for you, but I would be afraid of letting him use your address for parole, since he clearly is not behaving in a manner that suggests to me that he is ready to be at home. But I don't know the whole story, and that's just my two cents worth.

I'm sorry he's putting you two through so much, but I would do as little as possible to help him right now. He has to learn how to help himself at some point.

My daughter had a ton of clothes that she and abf put into storage when they got evicted from their house. They stopped paying the storage bill and she lost everything, clothes, furniture, personal items. I did not pay the bill and I did not bail her out. Just recently she talked about losing those things. She was sad. But the consequences were hers. Your son can replace the clothes. Maybe this is his lesson. If you go pick up the clothes you are removing that lesson. Just this time, don't go. Let him feel it. Hugs, Marle

Dear Lady, He doesn't want to live with me, he wants me to let him use the address cuz the people he plans to live with already have someone on parole living there so he cannot use the address.
In other words he wants me to lie & if I don't he tells me he will be in jail till Dec 09.
I don't want to let him use the address, and if he is stuck in jail till Dec 09 its his own fault not mine.

(((Rozied)))
Golly, it sure does seem like sometimes they never will get it, doesn't it?
My son has lost his clothes over and over, and now shops at Goodwill when he needs clothes. In the past I have bought him clothes for his birthday, and holidays, but he just ends up losing them when he goes off to jail or prison, along with his ID's, birth certificates, and social security card.


I guess he doesn't worry too much about identity theft...:lmao


Last year I did this big run around collecting his Birth certificate, and S.S. card so he could return home from working in California.
It made me somewhat angry that I had to drive 25 miles into downtown and all the parking...blah blah blah, anyway, I felt resentment and felt that was MY H.P.'s "nudge" to stop doing those things.

Sometimes we just have to STOP, and truly "Let Go"

Let him assume ALL responsibilty for his life.

It's hard to give up the trying to be nice and help them out, I know, I sometimes slip too, but if we DON'T let them live their own life, (whatever that may be) we are harming them, not helping.

Hugs to you, Rozied...sometimes I want to do this to my 34 year old son.......:a043:

The other thing too is that most jails record their inmates' phone conversations. If they have you on tape agreeing to help him lie to get on parole, you could get in serious trouble.

Please don't let him trick you into thinking that it will be your fauly if he does stay in jail until December 2009. He is the only one who can put himself in a position to be there; not you, not anyone else. I agree with Marle, he has got to feel the consequences and learn the lessons... if not, history will continue to repeat itself.

I had the impression that your son wanted to live with you. However, if he is only "using" you and asking you to lie; personally, I absolutely would not do it.

Maybe he needs to be in jail until 09. That's almost another year and a half of clean time.

I'm sorry you are in this situation. As they say, more will be revealed and you will be led to the action that is right for you.

I agree with you all. Even Jim thinks we should let him lose his clothes.
The only problem I have with doing this is if we don't go my parents will be asked to go & they will be 89 in Dec & I know they have an even harder time saying no than I do.

You cannot control what your parents do. Perhaps you can talk to them ahead of time and explain why you think it is best if they do not help him (which may or may not work, but it's worth a shot, right?). They are enabling him if they "help" him, and they need to understand that. Other than that, you cannot control them anymore than you can control your son. But if anyone is going to enable him, do you really want it to be you?

He's 42 years old.

No way he will ever learn so long as there is family to pick up the pieces for him. The heck with the clothes. The heck with lying about an address. The heck with another rescue mission. He's 42 years old. Don't you think it's time to to stop picking up the pieces?

If your parents, at their age, want to continue enabling their 42 year old son, that's their decision to do so, or not. One of the saddest things about addiction is the impact on families.

Yeah, the age 42 struck me as well. At first when I read your post, I figured he was a lot younger. How long has he been struggling with addiction?
krhea

He has been addicted since his early 20's. He is my son my parents grandson & that is the reason it has been going on for so long cuz my parents kept enabling him.

Wow, that's a long time. I guess that struck me because my son is 18 and has been dealing with addiction since he was 14 and it seems like a lifetime. I just had a flash forward , another 20 years of this. I couldn't take it. I have no advice other than to let him feel the consequences. Hang in there, rozied.
krhea

Who ever thinks they can take it? He graduated HS never did a drug or drank. Moved to a bigger city got his own place with a friend, found a job & was doing well. Then after he was 21, I recieve a phone call from his roomate that he had a problem with coke. He went to a rehab & did not do that bad till his wife left him & took the kids. After he was living alone things went down hill fast. The last 7 yrs he has been in & out of jail.
My parents kept enabling him no matter what I said. I think if not for that he would have woken up yrs ago.

I know how frustrating it is to try to tell someone they need to let go, and they just refuse to do it. I wish I had advice on how to get through to them, but unfortunately there is little to nothing that anyone can do if they won't listen.

Question: have they ever been to a Naranon meeting?

I listened to a meeting once and the wife brought all her husbands clothes to the cleaners. If he wanted them, he would have to pay to get them out. hehehe

There r no Nar-Anon mtgs in my area. My husband & I have been to Al-Anon mtgs. Jim & I r not the problem. It was my parents. They seem to have learned now not to help him financially but I know my mom is not going to want to let his clothes go.

i would stop picking up the pieces ,, i dated a manwho is addicted to crack and thats all i ddi was pick up thepieces,,i finally realizes i couldnt do it anymore and when i put my foot down i was amazed that he still wnated to be friends, because i refused to pack up his clothes and furniture and put it in storage once again becuase of his negligence,, i figure he did this he can figure it out himself,,and you knwo what they do?.. they are always sceaming or using someone to do thier dirty deeds and when you refuse they find others who will, so do put yurself in that position anymore.. i thought he would hate me and not talk to me anymore , but in relaity i think hehad more respect for me in the long run..they know what thier doing and its nice not to feel responsible anymore for his **** and his life, i am still friends but i pick and choose what i want to be invoved with..once in awhil e i will still help him if its not illegal or it something that doesnt take too mcuh time, but for the most part he is onhis own and he knows that i wont do many things for him anymore...old habits are hard to break for them, and they will use you all up if you let them,, now he is starting to think a little bit more on his own and he is trying to do the right thing, but time will tell if he can keep it up