how to help the child?
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how to help the child?
Hi. I'm new... and this is my first post. I guess I'm jumping in with both feet by posting like this right away but I really need some help, ideas, advice, experience.... something.
My sister is in a rehab program for her problems with crack addiction as well as a long addiction to oxycontin which was prescribed for pain management but has been misused.
My husband and I have taken in her eleven year old daughter and are doing everything we can to help bring her life back to something normal. She has spent most of her life trying to protect her mother from getting in trouble. Her mother has trained her to lie to anyone who asks any probing questions about the situation at home.
By the time my sister left for rehab she had been evicted from her home because of the condition of the apartment: mould growing on food plates all over the house, mould and cat feces all over the floors and carpets, rotting food everywhere, cigarette butts all over the place, cigarette burns in the floors and carpets, computer keyboards, bedsheets, etcetera, clutter and garbage up the ceiling in some places. It was just terrible. Her daughter missed 76 days of school last year because my sister couldn't get herself out of bed to send her, she was dirty and malnourished and unhealthy.
Anyway, that's the background. Now we have her daughter in our care and we are trying to help her get stabilized. Summer day camps, swimming lessons, bike riding, normal things she's never been able to do in her life because her mother wouldn't allow her out of the house.
Today we went to visit my sister in rehab and she asked me for cigarette money. I told her no, which is what I have been advised to do and she absolutely freaked out and told me she was going to leave the rehab program, take her daughter, and that I would never see either of them again.
I'm heartbroken over what's been going on with my sister and I have been for thirty years. But when it comes to her daughter I can't just be heartbroken, I have to do something. I can't let her go back to that awful life.
Does anyone out there know if there's anything I can do to help this little girl? Does anyone have experience or advice or thoughts? I'm so lost and worried and scared.
My sister is in a rehab program for her problems with crack addiction as well as a long addiction to oxycontin which was prescribed for pain management but has been misused.
My husband and I have taken in her eleven year old daughter and are doing everything we can to help bring her life back to something normal. She has spent most of her life trying to protect her mother from getting in trouble. Her mother has trained her to lie to anyone who asks any probing questions about the situation at home.
By the time my sister left for rehab she had been evicted from her home because of the condition of the apartment: mould growing on food plates all over the house, mould and cat feces all over the floors and carpets, rotting food everywhere, cigarette butts all over the place, cigarette burns in the floors and carpets, computer keyboards, bedsheets, etcetera, clutter and garbage up the ceiling in some places. It was just terrible. Her daughter missed 76 days of school last year because my sister couldn't get herself out of bed to send her, she was dirty and malnourished and unhealthy.
Anyway, that's the background. Now we have her daughter in our care and we are trying to help her get stabilized. Summer day camps, swimming lessons, bike riding, normal things she's never been able to do in her life because her mother wouldn't allow her out of the house.
Today we went to visit my sister in rehab and she asked me for cigarette money. I told her no, which is what I have been advised to do and she absolutely freaked out and told me she was going to leave the rehab program, take her daughter, and that I would never see either of them again.
I'm heartbroken over what's been going on with my sister and I have been for thirty years. But when it comes to her daughter I can't just be heartbroken, I have to do something. I can't let her go back to that awful life.
Does anyone out there know if there's anything I can do to help this little girl? Does anyone have experience or advice or thoughts? I'm so lost and worried and scared.
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First of all, welcome to sr! The boards are kinda slow at night, but rest assured you will probably get tons of responses within the next 24 hours. I hate that you're being put through this. I too am a sibling of an addict, except that I am fortunate that my sister has no children.
I guess my biggest question after reading your post would be, what other kind of "help" are you trying to provide this child?
One thing that I would try to look into ASAP would be getting her into some kind of mentoring program. If you call her local school, I'm sure they can direct you towards contacts to get her set up with a good role model; someone who is outside of the family who she can talk to and have some good, clean fun with. If she can learn to channel her pain, cope with it, and turn it into a positive by returning the favor and mentoring other kids as she gets older, you just may start an amazingly positive ball rolling out of something that looks like such a mess.
My second thought was counseling, but I'm not sure what you could and could not do there if you're not legally her guardian at the moment (are you?)
How does she respond to going to camp, swimming lessons, etc? You may even want to encourage her to invite some of the friends she makes over to visit one afternoon, if you're comfortable with that.
The biggest thing you can do for her, though, is just to remind her that you're there. She needs an adult to love her and give her structure and consistency, without making her feel like lying and breaking the law are a normal way of life.
I'm not an expert, but I do work with kids just a few years older than her, and all too many of them come from broken homes. I've had the pleasure of being able to reach out to some, and I've seen my colleagues take a few under their wings. It's amazing what a difference a positive influence can be in a child's life.
Bless you for being such a great aunt to her! You, and she, are in my thoughts and prayers!
I guess my biggest question after reading your post would be, what other kind of "help" are you trying to provide this child?
One thing that I would try to look into ASAP would be getting her into some kind of mentoring program. If you call her local school, I'm sure they can direct you towards contacts to get her set up with a good role model; someone who is outside of the family who she can talk to and have some good, clean fun with. If she can learn to channel her pain, cope with it, and turn it into a positive by returning the favor and mentoring other kids as she gets older, you just may start an amazingly positive ball rolling out of something that looks like such a mess.
My second thought was counseling, but I'm not sure what you could and could not do there if you're not legally her guardian at the moment (are you?)
How does she respond to going to camp, swimming lessons, etc? You may even want to encourage her to invite some of the friends she makes over to visit one afternoon, if you're comfortable with that.
The biggest thing you can do for her, though, is just to remind her that you're there. She needs an adult to love her and give her structure and consistency, without making her feel like lying and breaking the law are a normal way of life.
I'm not an expert, but I do work with kids just a few years older than her, and all too many of them come from broken homes. I've had the pleasure of being able to reach out to some, and I've seen my colleagues take a few under their wings. It's amazing what a difference a positive influence can be in a child's life.
Bless you for being such a great aunt to her! You, and she, are in my thoughts and prayers!
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ladyamalthea,
Thanks so much for your reply. I guess I feel like there are lots of things I can do to help if I am permitted to continue looking after my niece. I am a high school teacher and have lots of access to resources in terms of finding counselling, mentors, social workers, support groups, and things like that. She's a very smart little girl with a good head on her shoulders, and amazingly down to earth considering all she has been through. She is loving camp and has a very positive outlook on life. I will be more than happy to have her friends over and do all I can to help her make this adjustment. I know she will need support, but I also have a lot of faith that she'll be alright IF we are able to continue to stay in her life.
The thing I'm petrified about is that my sister has threatened to leave rehab and take her child back. She hasn't finished a treatment program and she will be a dangerous person for this child to live with. (Just today I caught her trying to coerce her daughter into giving her the allowance money she had been given by me this morning.)
Maybe I just need to go and talk to a lawyer. I'm trying to figure out if there's anything we can do to protect my niece from being dragged back in that awful life if her mother really does go through with her plan of leaving rehab and trying to take her daughter with her.
It's such an awful position to be in because my niece loves her mother very much and wants to be with her. I hate to deprive her of her mother and don't want to hurt her in any way, but I also believe that if she goes back there, her life with go back to being what it was before; not attending school, not being allowed outside, living in a disgusting filthy mess, being left alone at home while her mother goes on drug runs...
My sister is a lovely person but she is completely unable, right now, to see how she has damaged her child. I have done everything I know how to do to help my sister and nothing has worked. But I know I can help my niece if only the courts will give me custody.
ladyamalthea, thanks again for your kind thoughts and prayers. I appreciate them and wish you all good things for your situation too.
Lisa
Thanks so much for your reply. I guess I feel like there are lots of things I can do to help if I am permitted to continue looking after my niece. I am a high school teacher and have lots of access to resources in terms of finding counselling, mentors, social workers, support groups, and things like that. She's a very smart little girl with a good head on her shoulders, and amazingly down to earth considering all she has been through. She is loving camp and has a very positive outlook on life. I will be more than happy to have her friends over and do all I can to help her make this adjustment. I know she will need support, but I also have a lot of faith that she'll be alright IF we are able to continue to stay in her life.
The thing I'm petrified about is that my sister has threatened to leave rehab and take her child back. She hasn't finished a treatment program and she will be a dangerous person for this child to live with. (Just today I caught her trying to coerce her daughter into giving her the allowance money she had been given by me this morning.)
Maybe I just need to go and talk to a lawyer. I'm trying to figure out if there's anything we can do to protect my niece from being dragged back in that awful life if her mother really does go through with her plan of leaving rehab and trying to take her daughter with her.
It's such an awful position to be in because my niece loves her mother very much and wants to be with her. I hate to deprive her of her mother and don't want to hurt her in any way, but I also believe that if she goes back there, her life with go back to being what it was before; not attending school, not being allowed outside, living in a disgusting filthy mess, being left alone at home while her mother goes on drug runs...
My sister is a lovely person but she is completely unable, right now, to see how she has damaged her child. I have done everything I know how to do to help my sister and nothing has worked. But I know I can help my niece if only the courts will give me custody.
ladyamalthea, thanks again for your kind thoughts and prayers. I appreciate them and wish you all good things for your situation too.
Lisa
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Originally Posted by TTOSBT 
Sister,
Have you thought about seeking temporary custody so that your sister can not take her if she leaves rehab? Would you be willing to keep her?
Have you thought about seeking temporary custody so that your sister can not take her if she leaves rehab? Would you be willing to keep her?
Yes! Absolutely. I would happily keep her until she's ready to get her own place. I know the court systems are different place to place (I'm in BC, Canada) and laws are probably not consistent.
I want to get custody, but I fear that a judge would only grant me temporary custody (as opposed to permanent) and that as soon as that custody order ended, my sister would never allow me to see her daughter again. It's terrifying to me to think of her with no one to help her when she's scared and alone with her mother.
On a tear
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Volcano Country!
Posts: 3,221
Addiction is a nasty condition - one I am convinced has both a biological as well as environmental base.
I applaud you for wanting to take in the child, as I have opened my home to grandchildren myself. But (isn't there always a "but"?)... what if the daughter has inherited the tendency to be vulnerable to addiction herself? Having just gone through four crazy years with my daughter, I can tell you that the best thing I did was attend lots of Alanon meetings.
Alanon has helped me understand the nature of addiction, and to separate the addiction from the person I love. For me, this became paramount... I was not ready to live in a world where I needed to hate my children because of their addictions.
As a recovering alcoholic, who (along with my husband) quit drinking 23 years ago without a program, I used to believe that addiction was purely environmental and that a safe, secure, warm and loving environment with all the right places and friends would be what would save my kids from addiction.
So when they both developed addiction, I was blind to it.. for a very long time. And then spent some long time in the delusion that I could beat it, find a way to fix it, cure it, control it... wow. It was long and tiring.
In the long run, I know my kids can only make the changes in their lives for their own reasons.... and from what I've seen around the rooms, those reasons are not always the noble, family-saving reasons, but are often more personal in nature.... failing health, painful conditions, living in ways they find uncomfortable. So I wait for them to figure it out.
But I have 2 grandsons coming up who are vulnerable. All we can do is teach them to be rigorously honest... so that if confronted with the condition of addiction, they can break through the delusion and denial sooner.... and try to help them be open to new ideas and willing to accept help when offered.
I do wish you, your sister and her child, the very best. ((hugs))
I applaud you for wanting to take in the child, as I have opened my home to grandchildren myself. But (isn't there always a "but"?)... what if the daughter has inherited the tendency to be vulnerable to addiction herself? Having just gone through four crazy years with my daughter, I can tell you that the best thing I did was attend lots of Alanon meetings.
Alanon has helped me understand the nature of addiction, and to separate the addiction from the person I love. For me, this became paramount... I was not ready to live in a world where I needed to hate my children because of their addictions.
As a recovering alcoholic, who (along with my husband) quit drinking 23 years ago without a program, I used to believe that addiction was purely environmental and that a safe, secure, warm and loving environment with all the right places and friends would be what would save my kids from addiction.
So when they both developed addiction, I was blind to it.. for a very long time. And then spent some long time in the delusion that I could beat it, find a way to fix it, cure it, control it... wow. It was long and tiring.
In the long run, I know my kids can only make the changes in their lives for their own reasons.... and from what I've seen around the rooms, those reasons are not always the noble, family-saving reasons, but are often more personal in nature.... failing health, painful conditions, living in ways they find uncomfortable. So I wait for them to figure it out.
But I have 2 grandsons coming up who are vulnerable. All we can do is teach them to be rigorously honest... so that if confronted with the condition of addiction, they can break through the delusion and denial sooner.... and try to help them be open to new ideas and willing to accept help when offered.
I do wish you, your sister and her child, the very best. ((hugs))
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: pa
Posts: 260
Lisa,
I applaud you for looking after this childs well being.
Your situation is tough,of course this child loves her Mom,even
though the situation is unhealthy for her.
I would consult an attorney,just find out where you stand
legally in protecting her from things she isn't able to fully understand.
So many children are forgotten in this disease,Bless you for stepping up
and being a hero to this little girl.
I applaud you for looking after this childs well being.
Your situation is tough,of course this child loves her Mom,even
though the situation is unhealthy for her.
I would consult an attorney,just find out where you stand
legally in protecting her from things she isn't able to fully understand.
So many children are forgotten in this disease,Bless you for stepping up
and being a hero to this little girl.
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Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: punta gorda florida
Posts: 381
Hi...Im sorry that this has happened in your life but Im so grateful that god has found you to care for your niece. I have temporary custody of my grandson...I didn't need a lawyer...Get in touch with social services, tell them the situation...They may do an investigation, just the fact of your sisters history and her being in a rehab will work in our favor. In florida, Social Services develop a case plan that the parent has to abide by. {Counselling, Drug testing, Parenting classes, AA or NA meetings}. The parent is given visitation but not without supervision{can be done in a visitation center vs your home}...It didn't cost me any money, my grandson is safe, my daughter is doing the things she needs to do and visits her son often...It gives her time to get her act together[she is given a year to complete her case plan and is drug tested randomly weekly]. You may also be entitled to some compensation for your nieces counselling. Your letter made me cry...This is such a sad disease...Know you are in my thoughts this morning...Marian
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welcome to S.R. thanks for taking in your niece. sounds as if she needs you bad. get in touch with social services. they can help you get temporary cousty of her. get a lawyer. this child is worth saving. my prayers are going up for you, her & your sister.
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Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: LA - Lower Alabama
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You are an angel for watching out for your niece. The lawyer and social worker ideas are great. I would go to the place she got evicted from. They probably took pictures as a part of the eviction process and those will be powerful images in court for temporary or permanent custody.
Finally, at 11 the child is old enough to get up and tell the judge/magistrate what she wants to do. I'll bet you a Canadian dollar she'd rather be with you.
Other than that, document, document, document. If your sister makes threats like that again, if there is any legal way to record it (security cam at the rehab place maybe) please do so.
Keep posting and let us know what happens.
Finally, at 11 the child is old enough to get up and tell the judge/magistrate what she wants to do. I'll bet you a Canadian dollar she'd rather be with you.
Other than that, document, document, document. If your sister makes threats like that again, if there is any legal way to record it (security cam at the rehab place maybe) please do so.
Keep posting and let us know what happens.
Rest peacefully Sonny Boy
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Florida, Tennessee
Posts: 840
((Sistershelp))
In deciding what to do, fear of only getting temporary custody is a factor that you have no control over. It is a risk. One that can leave you hurt and angry and devestated, but in my own personal opinion, it is worth the risk.
Every day that you give that child love, is one more chance that it will be the day that saves her life. No matter what else happens, it may be the day that she holds onto to survive. It may be the day that she holds in her memories to remind her that she is loved, that someone cares. It may be the day that prevents her from following her own mothers steps. It may be the day that shows her how much more there is to life.
She is a very lucky girl to have an aunt that loves her and is willing to fight for her. A lot of kids don't have anyone. If it is in your heart to do so, fight tooth and nail for it. Take the risk of loosing her later, deal with that when it comes or even if it comes, today is what matters for now.
When a child is involved in a case like this, and you as a family member, are able, ready and willing to give of yourself for that child, then give it your all and trust that your HP has your back and will be with both of you no matter what.
Hugs and Prayers
B
In deciding what to do, fear of only getting temporary custody is a factor that you have no control over. It is a risk. One that can leave you hurt and angry and devestated, but in my own personal opinion, it is worth the risk.
Every day that you give that child love, is one more chance that it will be the day that saves her life. No matter what else happens, it may be the day that she holds onto to survive. It may be the day that she holds in her memories to remind her that she is loved, that someone cares. It may be the day that prevents her from following her own mothers steps. It may be the day that shows her how much more there is to life.
She is a very lucky girl to have an aunt that loves her and is willing to fight for her. A lot of kids don't have anyone. If it is in your heart to do so, fight tooth and nail for it. Take the risk of loosing her later, deal with that when it comes or even if it comes, today is what matters for now.
When a child is involved in a case like this, and you as a family member, are able, ready and willing to give of yourself for that child, then give it your all and trust that your HP has your back and will be with both of you no matter what.
Hugs and Prayers
B
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I would not worry about what your sister will or will not do just yet, and I would epsecially not let that keep me from trying to seek custody. For all you know, someone in rehab may be able to convince her to stay put. Just like the addicts are taught to do things "just for today," unfortunately, for those of us who are impacted so heavily by their behaviors, we have to take it "just for today" as well. Looking ahead and trying to predict the future is never a good idea with an addict, as they will always surprise you, whether it be in a good way or a bad way.
On another note, I teach high school as well. What subject do you teach?
On another note, I teach high school as well. What subject do you teach?
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
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Oh... about what dgillz said about recording what your sister says/ having a way to document her threats, my husband used to work at a certain electronics store that I'm pretty sure is in Canada (pm me if you want the name of it), and they sell what they refer to as a "divorce kit," which is just a mechanism that is easily installed on your phone and records conversations (out here recording conversations is legal as long as one person knows about it, you may want to double check with your attorney).
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Join Date: Mar 2006
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Thank you so much for being there for your niece and providing her with a loving and stable environment. I think if your sister really does get it in recovery, she will be a different person than the one you know now and would be grateful that you asked for custody and took such good care of her daughter. If she doesn't get it, than all the more reason for you to have custody and hopefully the system will be sure that this child is not pulled back into the world of addiction. There's lots of great advice here and I would encourage you to try to have a more formal arrangement so it is not so easy for this child to be pulled from you at a whim. I also would encourage you to seek out some Alanon or Naranon meetings for yourself and if there are any Alateen meetings, I imagine your niece would greatly benefit. Hugs and prayers for all of you.
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Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Vancouver, BC
Posts: 561
Everyone, thanks so much for your support and advice and great ideas. I will be contacting a lawyer first thing Monday morning and making an appointment to see what can be done to make our custody legally binding, even if it can only be temporary. As you've all reminded me, I can't let the fear of my sister enacting revenge later on stop me from trying to help my niece now. I'm so glad I've found this place where there are people who understand what it's like to deal with this kind of situation.
Social Services has been involved in the past (the courts gave my parents an emergency ex parte order to take custody temporarily when it came to light how awful her living arrangement was) and were not particularly helpful. They refused to look at the attendance records (which showed my niece missing 76 days of school that year) and basically said that if my sister could vaccuum the floor to remove the most dangerous of the debris that they would not remove her daughter. They told us that they could only do something if my niece was in immediate physical danger. Apparently dying slowly doesn't show up on the radar. I used to have faith in Social Services, being a teacher who sometimes had to make reports to them about students. Now that I've seen first hand, I'm really disappointed.
--ladyamalthea-- I teach high school performing arts (Drama) and English (reluctantly) and am working on my Masters degree in Counselling, a fact I have never made the mistake of thinking will help me in this particular situation!--
Social Services has been involved in the past (the courts gave my parents an emergency ex parte order to take custody temporarily when it came to light how awful her living arrangement was) and were not particularly helpful. They refused to look at the attendance records (which showed my niece missing 76 days of school that year) and basically said that if my sister could vaccuum the floor to remove the most dangerous of the debris that they would not remove her daughter. They told us that they could only do something if my niece was in immediate physical danger. Apparently dying slowly doesn't show up on the radar. I used to have faith in Social Services, being a teacher who sometimes had to make reports to them about students. Now that I've seen first hand, I'm really disappointed.
--ladyamalthea-- I teach high school performing arts (Drama) and English (reluctantly) and am working on my Masters degree in Counselling, a fact I have never made the mistake of thinking will help me in this particular situation!--
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Location: North Vancouver, British Columbia
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Originally Posted by SistersHelp
...I fear that a judge would only grant me temporary custody (as opposed to permanent)...
The phone number for the family justice counsellors in North Vancouver is:
604-981-0084
If you give them a call they should be able to provide you with a number for Vancouver. You can explain your situation and get some much needed advice. I too was terrified of my grandson's parents taking my grandson but I was lucky enough to get them to sign the custody order willingly. You should also contact the Ministry of Families and Children and get a file opened on the conditions your niece was living in. Any background you can get on file with those in authority is to your advantage. Your niece may also be of an age when she is able to say who she wants to live with, although I'm not 100% about that.
Here's the link for the Ministry site:
Children and Family Development - Province of British Columbia
You are doing a wonderful thing and I wish you all the best. Please keep us updated.
PS: If you can afford to see a lawyer for advice then I would definitely encourage you to go that route as well.
Thank you SO much.
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Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: ontario, canada
Posts: 540
I live in Ontario, I have a friend that applied for temporary custody of a 8 month old relative. She has been in her care for 3 months. The mother is out of rehab, yet children services will not place her back in the home until they are sure it is a safe place for baby. ( even then there are no guarantees)Just recently mom has started missing her supervised visits of course the alarms have gone off. Crack is a very powerful drug, and the children services are very aware of it, and how easy a relapse can be. I can only imagine how difficult all of this is for you, but good for you taking this childs best interest at heart. One day your sister may thank you, but for now the most important person is your niece and her well being.
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