The comfort of denial
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Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Sunny Fla
Posts: 112
The comfort of denial
I am in the process of reading 'Codependent No More' and it is forcing me to face some 'stuff'. I got to thinking back to a few years ago when I wasn't aware of my AH's addiction problems. I was thinking that in a way, life was much easier than. The not knowing. Something about knowing makes me feel like I need to 'act' in some way, but I am not sure how I should be acting, or behaving, or responding.
I guess this is just part of the process. Right now I am so angry at him, I don't know if I can get passed it.
Thanks for letting me share.
I guess this is just part of the process. Right now I am so angry at him, I don't know if I can get passed it.
Thanks for letting me share.
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Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
Anger is all a part of the process we go through. It's just like the stages of grief, in fact it IS grief, because we're losing a dream of how we thought things were going to turn out.
I read "codependent no more" years and years ago, but wasn't ready to do anything. I spent another 20 years dealing with alcoholics and addicts, became an addict myself, before I got sick and tired of being sick and tired.
Now that I'm working on my codie issues, my life is SO much better. It's incredibly freeing to realize that I don't have to, and can't "fix" everyone! I'm a much better friend, daughter, stepsister, aunt, niece, grandchild, than I ever was when I was beating my head against the wall trying to change someone I couldn't change.
The most amazing thing is, I'm watching other family members learn by MY example, and everyone is better off when we're faced with dealing with our own stuff.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
I read "codependent no more" years and years ago, but wasn't ready to do anything. I spent another 20 years dealing with alcoholics and addicts, became an addict myself, before I got sick and tired of being sick and tired.
Now that I'm working on my codie issues, my life is SO much better. It's incredibly freeing to realize that I don't have to, and can't "fix" everyone! I'm a much better friend, daughter, stepsister, aunt, niece, grandchild, than I ever was when I was beating my head against the wall trying to change someone I couldn't change.
The most amazing thing is, I'm watching other family members learn by MY example, and everyone is better off when we're faced with dealing with our own stuff.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Upstate, NY
Posts: 718
Denial works for awhile. I didn't know about my AH's addiction for a good long time. I just thought there was something not quite right with our marriage and perhaps me. Not quite. When you start to look at the reality it hurts, but it is so necessary.
Impurrfect... tell me more about the difference between letting go of trying to help or fix others and just working on your own stuff. I am still not quite sure how to focus on me and how not to feel like I am not concerned when I let others fix there own stuff.
Impurrfect... tell me more about the difference between letting go of trying to help or fix others and just working on your own stuff. I am still not quite sure how to focus on me and how not to feel like I am not concerned when I let others fix there own stuff.
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Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
(((imallright))
Okay, here's an example. My stepmom is a HUGE codie. I live with her, dad, and my niece who they are raising.
Stepmom and niece (who is almost 15) used to get into it all the time....my niece has never been disciplined much and has a mouth on her. She would wake me up (I work nights, sleep days), cussing my stepmom out, calling her a f'ing b---ch, etc. At first, I would storm out of my room, get into it and end up screaming at my niece.
I finally told me stepmom that SHE allowed Brit to do this, and I was not getting invovled any more. I stopped talking to my niece, at all, because she was always nasty and mean. I was going to take the family out to eat, but didn't want to do it when Brit was around because I didn't want her along. I told dad why (she doesn't act like that when he's around). He told her what I said, and for some reason it meant something to her and she's totally changed back to the niece I love dearly.
I let them deal with their own stuff, and said I wouldn't be a part of it anymore. My stepmom and one of my stepsisters, have major issues, and want to always talk about each other to me. I finally told them both that I love them both dearly, but cannot get dragged into their mess...I can't fix it, and it is something they have to deal with.
Dad gets stressed about money, and gets very negative, acts like a victim and the "whole world is against him". I remind him of what he has to be grateful for, and when I'm struggling with money, I always say "but God hasn't let me down yet, and I'm grateful I have a job...things will work out" and they always do. He's picking up on my attitude. At first, I think he thought I was just ignoring stuff....not taking it seriously. I kept telling him that I wasn't going to sit and worry about something I didn't have control over....I would keep putting one foot in front of the other, do the right thing, and pray that I could deal with whatever happens.
My niece's "dad" is an addict....manipulative, evil, the whole 9 yards. My stepmom tries to drag me into what he's doing...wants me to find out if he's in jail and why he's there. I told her I didn't CARE where he is, he's going to do what he's going to do and I'm not going to let him or any other human determine how I live my life. Brit is a smart girl and wants nothing to do with him. She learned it all by herself, because we never bad-mouthed him in front of her...we let her see what he's like on her own. She wants to push him for child support (he's over $15,000 in debt), stepmom (who is her guardian) is afraid of his retribution and won't do anything. She will sit there with excuse after excuse, so I finally told her "if you don't want to do anything about it, I don't want to hear about it".
My favorite saying now, is "I'm really sorry you're struggling, but you're the only one who can do anything about it" and let it go. Sometimes I go back into my room and physically remove myself from the conversation. It took a while, because I was so codie, I would get wrapped up in it. But the more I said "this is what I would do" and then stopped listening to excuses on why it wouldn't work, the better it is.
I do the same thing at work and with my friends. I will give them support, advice if they ask for it, but I no longer get offended if they don't take my advice. If things get worse for them, I say "I'm sorry" and change the subject.
Hope that helps!
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
Okay, here's an example. My stepmom is a HUGE codie. I live with her, dad, and my niece who they are raising.
Stepmom and niece (who is almost 15) used to get into it all the time....my niece has never been disciplined much and has a mouth on her. She would wake me up (I work nights, sleep days), cussing my stepmom out, calling her a f'ing b---ch, etc. At first, I would storm out of my room, get into it and end up screaming at my niece.
I finally told me stepmom that SHE allowed Brit to do this, and I was not getting invovled any more. I stopped talking to my niece, at all, because she was always nasty and mean. I was going to take the family out to eat, but didn't want to do it when Brit was around because I didn't want her along. I told dad why (she doesn't act like that when he's around). He told her what I said, and for some reason it meant something to her and she's totally changed back to the niece I love dearly.
I let them deal with their own stuff, and said I wouldn't be a part of it anymore. My stepmom and one of my stepsisters, have major issues, and want to always talk about each other to me. I finally told them both that I love them both dearly, but cannot get dragged into their mess...I can't fix it, and it is something they have to deal with.
Dad gets stressed about money, and gets very negative, acts like a victim and the "whole world is against him". I remind him of what he has to be grateful for, and when I'm struggling with money, I always say "but God hasn't let me down yet, and I'm grateful I have a job...things will work out" and they always do. He's picking up on my attitude. At first, I think he thought I was just ignoring stuff....not taking it seriously. I kept telling him that I wasn't going to sit and worry about something I didn't have control over....I would keep putting one foot in front of the other, do the right thing, and pray that I could deal with whatever happens.
My niece's "dad" is an addict....manipulative, evil, the whole 9 yards. My stepmom tries to drag me into what he's doing...wants me to find out if he's in jail and why he's there. I told her I didn't CARE where he is, he's going to do what he's going to do and I'm not going to let him or any other human determine how I live my life. Brit is a smart girl and wants nothing to do with him. She learned it all by herself, because we never bad-mouthed him in front of her...we let her see what he's like on her own. She wants to push him for child support (he's over $15,000 in debt), stepmom (who is her guardian) is afraid of his retribution and won't do anything. She will sit there with excuse after excuse, so I finally told her "if you don't want to do anything about it, I don't want to hear about it".
My favorite saying now, is "I'm really sorry you're struggling, but you're the only one who can do anything about it" and let it go. Sometimes I go back into my room and physically remove myself from the conversation. It took a while, because I was so codie, I would get wrapped up in it. But the more I said "this is what I would do" and then stopped listening to excuses on why it wouldn't work, the better it is.
I do the same thing at work and with my friends. I will give them support, advice if they ask for it, but I no longer get offended if they don't take my advice. If things get worse for them, I say "I'm sorry" and change the subject.
Hope that helps!
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: To the North
Posts: 1,086
As said, it is a grief process once you find out. I too did not know about the addiction of my AH - actually I didn't know until about 3 weeks AFTER I said I wanted a divorce. I was ready for the divorce, I knew what our issues had been and how I got there, after WAY too long. The codie in me kept trying and trying, beating my head on that brick wall, listening to the words, being confused by the action - or lack thereof, etc... Once I learned about the addiction, faced my codie issues and starting working on me, I finally understood how knowing about the addiction didn't change our marriage for me, but it took some time, because like you, I wasn't sure what I was supposed to do about it and all that goes with it. Focus on YOU, that's all you have to do and you will figure it out.
Learning not to fix, but to be a friend, wife, daughter, sister, etc... is different. Like Impurrfect said, I feel with my new tools I'm a better friend and family member. I'm supportive, and I think those around me feel more compassion, support and love from me and I am actually "giving" a lot less. I've learned what to give is what they actually need! It feels so much better for me too!
Keep feeling what you need to feel, it's all part of the process. Once you let yourself get thru your process, you will be better able to focus on what is your reality now, and what and how you're going to deal with it. Give yourself the time you need.
Have you looked into some face to face meetings? They might help a lot! Glad you're here and posting!
Learning not to fix, but to be a friend, wife, daughter, sister, etc... is different. Like Impurrfect said, I feel with my new tools I'm a better friend and family member. I'm supportive, and I think those around me feel more compassion, support and love from me and I am actually "giving" a lot less. I've learned what to give is what they actually need! It feels so much better for me too!
Keep feeling what you need to feel, it's all part of the process. Once you let yourself get thru your process, you will be better able to focus on what is your reality now, and what and how you're going to deal with it. Give yourself the time you need.
Have you looked into some face to face meetings? They might help a lot! Glad you're here and posting!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 1,307
Originally Posted by Denoraphy 
I got to thinking back to a few years ago when I wasn't aware of my AH's addiction problems. I was thinking that in a way, life was much easier than. The not knowing. Something about knowing makes me feel like I need to 'act' in some way, but I am not sure how I should be acting, or behaving, or responding.
The best thing to do for yourself..... is focus on you and what your wants/needs are..... that truly is the answer! It sounds crazy..... but it's true!
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Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 1,307
Amy..... those are some great examples!!!! Thank you for sharing them! 
I especially like: CW... I believe it was around the same time that we started posting here and I really enjoy reading your ESH.
Denoraphy... what CW says here is SO TRUE!
I especially like:
Dad gets stressed about money, and gets very negative, acts like a victim and the "whole world is against him". I remind him of what he has to be grateful for, and when I'm struggling with money, I always say "but God hasn't let me down yet, and I'm grateful I have a job...things will work out" and they always do. He's picking up on my attitude. At first, I think he thought I was just ignoring stuff....not taking it seriously. I kept telling him that I wasn't going to sit and worry about something I didn't have control over....I would keep putting one foot in front of the other, do the right thing, and pray that I could deal with whatever happens.
Denoraphy... what CW says here is SO TRUE!
Keep feeling what you need to feel, it's all part of the process. Once you let yourself get thru your process, you will be better able to focus on what is your reality now, and what and how you're going to deal with it. Give yourself the time you need.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
Another thing I was thinking about was when my XABF had his mom call me to bail him out of jail. I told her "no" and explained (she was VERY supportive of ME) but she let him 3-way call me. He went through the whole "I'll pay you back, I've got to go to work" BS and I called him on it..."you've NEVER paid me back, you could have BEEN working but you chose to keep smoking crack".
He finally said "oh, well, I'm just an addict..just throw me to the curb". I quickly replied "yeah, well I'm an addict, too, but you don't see ME asking someone to bail me out of jail....no, you see ME working my butt off to pay my bills, so don't even go there".
They will throw the "poor me, I'm an addict" at you if they let them. I just remind myself that a RECOVERING addict will not blame things on his/her addiction. They will use the tools of recovery to find a solution. That's not to say I don't ask for help, sometimes, or advice...but I don't ask for someone else to "fix" my situation, and I do what I can do first.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
He finally said "oh, well, I'm just an addict..just throw me to the curb". I quickly replied "yeah, well I'm an addict, too, but you don't see ME asking someone to bail me out of jail....no, you see ME working my butt off to pay my bills, so don't even go there".
They will throw the "poor me, I'm an addict" at you if they let them. I just remind myself that a RECOVERING addict will not blame things on his/her addiction. They will use the tools of recovery to find a solution. That's not to say I don't ask for help, sometimes, or advice...but I don't ask for someone else to "fix" my situation, and I do what I can do first.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
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