She has a Monday appt.

Old 07-09-2008, 05:36 AM
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She has a Monday appt.

Well, My 19 year old AD Lauren has an appointment for Monday for an abortion. I had no clue where I was going to come up with the money for the abortion, I truly dread it so bad for Lauren but at this point in her life, I truly think it is for the best. Lauren says she has not done meth for about 4-6 weeks but I truly don't know if that is true or not....I would love for it to be but I don't believe a word she says. My grandmother is giving me the money, I don't see why I should have to pay this back...it should be Lauren paying it back...but wait...she does not have a job!!! It seems everything she does or gets into, I am the one who has to pay!!! But since its my grandmother I will add it on to the money I owe her for car repairs. I dread the 2 hour drive with her and don't have a clue what we will talk about. I am sick of hearing what she is going to do.....college, a job and a car because for some reason it never happens. My mother who if yall remember hangs on every word she says is acting a complete fool!! I have not gave Lauren any money in the last month or so and guess what??? I am the bad guy!!!! But my mother and grandmother have started handing it back out!!! WHY!!!!!!!!!!!!
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Old 07-09-2008, 06:08 AM
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((obsessed))

I think if your grandmother wants to pay for it, then Lauren should pay her back. Your grandmother knows she doesn't have a job. However, YOU are the one taking this on yourself, so really can't blame either one of them. I understand why you're doing it, but I'm just point out that you are the one making the decision to borrow the money. Lauren could have just as easily asked to borrow the money....now she doesn't have to worry about paying it back...mom will take care of it.

Another thing to think about....Lauren needs to realize the consequences of having unprotected sex. I've known of too many girls that see abortion as a means of birth control...especially if someone else is paying for it.

I'm sorry you are going through this and I really don't mean to sound harsh. I just hate seeing someone dragged down in another's chaos and you are being dragged down.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy
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Old 07-09-2008, 06:37 AM
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Well I am thinking you asked for the money because you don't want your daughter to have the money in her hand? And I am sure your GM wouldn't have wanted to hand the money to Lauren either. But.... it should come with a Lauren, you pay back sticker. But your taking it on yourself to do it.

I have done the same with my AD she owes me so much I don't think I will live that long to see it. I watch now as the bills pour in and honestly if I had the money I would pay for her car insurance because that one adds up with penalities and her using her feet or a bus won't happen. But I can't help and now I know I shouldn't. And she made more money a week then I ever did when she does work.

This is a tough situation but I agree with the abortion just wondering why you don't make Lauren pay for it not you. Your the good guy here..
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Old 07-09-2008, 07:17 AM
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You keep assuming Lauren's responsibilities, she will just keep giving them to you. I know how hard it is to turn your back on your daughter, but nothing changes if nothing changes. My daughter recently told me that I did a good job detaching from her. If I had continued to be in her life, she told me that she would have continued to tell herself that everything was okay. Try something different. It will bring discomfort at first, but it will get easier the more you do it. I agree that Lauren does not need to be raising a child right now, but it is up to her to find the answers to that, not you. Giving her a ride is justified, paying for the abortion with money you borrowed is enabling. You are getting better with realizing the difference. Just keep moving forward. The next time she gets pregnant (and there is a good possibility it will happen again) let her figure it out. Hugs, Marle
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Old 07-09-2008, 08:09 AM
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Originally Posted by marle View Post
My daughter recently told me that I did a good job detaching from her. If I had continued to be in her life, she told me that she would have continued to tell herself that everything was okay.
Obsessed, I know it is hard but this is it, in a nutshell....

it took me a while to 'get' this but when I did it was very freeing and a relief to me...because staying in the circle with my AD was prolonging were she was at. It was really an aha moment for me, realizing that as long as "I was in the picture she was spared the true reality of her life. As long as I was there , she could tell herself, that it wasn't so bad...Despite all outward appearances of behavior, our kids, deep down, still look to their parents as some sort of barometer of their life...
my daughter used abortion indirectly as a method of birth control until she had her second abortion...then she finally decided to be more responsible....
Obsessed you have come so far, and like Marle says, just keep moving forward....hugs, Grateful
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Old 07-09-2008, 08:14 AM
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You're still in my thoughts and prayers! I drove my daughter, she paid. Didn't stop her for 2.5 years. She says now the anger w/ herself and the guilt she felt afterward kept her miserable. True? I have no idea, just telling you what another young girl went through. She tried to blame me once for "making" her do it, I could firmly tell her it was her choice, her money, her consequence! She never said it again, but held onto her misery.

Lauren must make this choice, with or without you, grandmother, etc. In my state they are low cost, free, and some government assistance for those w/o $$. You might check and see. Just a thought.

love ya,
susan
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Old 07-09-2008, 09:28 AM
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Better yet...

Originally Posted by caileesnana View Post
Lauren must make this choice, with or without you, grandmother, etc. In my state they are low cost, free, and some government assistance for those w/o $$. You might check and see. Just a thought.
Why not ask Lauren to check into it? Today is only Wednesday, she has five days to figure it out. Which is plenty of time for an addict to find money for other things... so if this is really what she wants, she will accomplish it on her own, somehow. I would even be tempted to tell her that the money grandma gave you is going right back to grandma, and explain to her that you are doing it because she needs to do this herself. She'll be pretty annoyed, but it will at least force her to be sure this is what she wants before she does it and then tries to blame you somehow... Susan's daughter did that, and I've heard several other stories of similar situations.

You both are in my prayers.
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Old 07-09-2008, 09:29 AM
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Originally Posted by obsessed View Post

It seems everything she does or gets into, I am the one who has to pay
I too have a 19 year old AD. From my limited exposure to addicts and the stories on this message board, it seems to me that so many addicts share a common trait, that of living life as a perpetual child. They take no responsibility and expect others to take care of their business for them.

You don't have to do anything. It's your choice to do so or not.
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