Lies have already begun......
 

And to think I went to an al-anon meeting today too! And I feel totally spun!

He has been really not doing so well these past couple of days... and yes... I've been reacting to it... and trying so hard to not let it get to me, but it is.

Anyway.... I saw there was a missed call on his personal phone and I told him that him using his personal phone again (he has a biz one he's been using since rehab).... makes me feel crazy because my mind was spinning with who it was that called. He just smiled at me and gave a shrug of the shoulders like... "sucks to be you" kind of look. So ... I make us all lunch and he is smiling at me across the table and I asked why... and he said it was because he knew I was just dying to know who called. So he tells me who and I told him that I just don't believe him... just this weird feeling. So he told me to check his phone and see if I don't believe him. In the past, when I haven't double checked it bites me.... but i hesitated because I knew it was too codie like.... but I did anyway. And sure enough.... there was a missed call by an old girl friend from college... but it was a couple hours ago with 2 calls after it..... SO..... that being said.... he had deleted that missed call. The worst part about this is that HE LIED about it! WHY DID HE LIE?! He told me I was policing him and that is what I get.... well it was one of his drug pals...... which is one of THE main reasons why I encouraged him to change his number if he uses that phone again..... but again... I have no control....... so I just mentioned it.

I told him that him lying to me makes me want to do 1 of 2 things....... lie back to him because I'm resentful and hurt.... or 2. not believe anything he tells me!

I am so upset that he did that! He says he deleted the number so he wouldn't have it (he had emptied out his drug related contacts)...... fine.... fair enough..... but DO NOT LIE TO ME! If he told me that guy called and followed up with saying he deleted the number... then why would that upset me? It makes the wheels spin in my head!!!!!

So.... he has gone to his out patient now.... and I'm sitting here just wondering what in the hell i'm getting myself into?! Yes.... his using upset me, but the lies hurt SO MUCH MORE!!!!!!!! They make me feel crazy.... and it already starting again!

What do I do??????? This is just as good as a relapse in my book. :(

I'm not sure I understand. He lied about who called? It seems like he deleted who called and told you it was someone to set you up to see that a former girlfriend called. regardless, rebuilding trust in a relationship can't include teasing and lies.

((Abundance))
Sorry for the twisting, turning lies and confusion.
Good for you for attending alanon and don't fall into his traps or your own!
My wishes for strength are going out to you.
Joan

hi, sorry you are going through all of this but i'm glad to meet you. i've been to rehab quite a few times and so has my ah, sorry to say but rehab is not a cuee all, its only the beginning of the road. recovery is hard work that requires the desire to change addictive behavior too. i do understand how you feel, but adicts lie and are master minupalators. try not to take it so personal, its the nature of the disease, not to make excuses for his actions, only saying maybe its time to focus even more on you and your needs. unless he commits to getting better, it will only get worse, sorry to say, praying for you and yours

That particular old girlfriend I am not bothered by, and he knows that...so that would not be a reason. He lied about another call that he had missed hours after the ex-girlfriends saying it was his old drug pal (the one that got him into opiates to begin with actually).

He is feeling very uncomfortable in his own skin right now and I can see him unfolding before my eyes. He just sent me a text saying **** it and that he was going to go and get loaded. The outpatient clinic will call me if he doesn't show up..... so now it's just a waiting game.

I'm just wondering what I'm supposed to be doing with this. I feel like it is just all starting all over again.

What do I say? What do I do? I'm so lost.

You have yourself a pleasant evening and go to bed when it's time, whether he's home or not.

first, i want to say forgive me for all the errors, my fingers don't work as well as i would like.
remember, none of his actions has nothing to do with you. its the choices that he is making for himself. an addict will create an excuse to use and blame anyone or anything available for it. there is nothing you can say or do to convince an addict not use once their mind is set for using. imo, the best thing you can do to help him is to be determined to help yourself and allow him the space to do the same. i almost lost my mind literally trying to help my ah. focus on you, and pray that he will soon find his own way.

all I can tell you is that I found early recovery (and recovery in general) just as tough as active addiction - just in different ways. Take away the drugs and all you've got in early recovery is a sober drug addict. The same skills, behaviors, tendencies, manipulations are all there - just that they might not be using. Recovery is practically a full time job and it really is a selfish path - even when someone really puts everything into it.

I found that working my own recovery is imperative...it's not about learning how to handle stuff like that (although it does really help) it's about learnng how to take good care of myself and set appropriate boundaries.

It sounds like he was trying to trigger you in my honest opinion. Maybe not consciously (trying to give him the benefit of the doubt). But that just wasn't necessary - sounds like you were getting taunted by him. I know what it's like to go through stuff like this and it really really sucks. Personally, I knew that trusting my husband wasn't going to be an option. Actually, I've read that it takes approximately 2 years of complete truthfulness before trust is rebuilt. Early in his recovery I found out about some deal breaking type lies. Because they happened while he was in active addiction I stayed in the relationship. However, my trust in him was shattered. Unfortunately, he has continued to lie to me - even a new one dropped on me as I've typed this email. I've never been able to rebuild my trust in him because he's never accummulated enough time to do so. Maybe the lies aren't the bigger ones - like before - but still.

It's times like right now - after this latest lie - that I take a break and a time out. I know that I can't deal with him until I calm down. And that probably isn't going to be any time soon. Wish that you and I could get to the same face to face meeting right now because I know that it would doe us good.

I understand what you meant when you said that the lie was as big as relapse to you. It's addict-y behavior and it raises all of the hairs on your neck.

I'm really sorry that this happened. It's hard to be get your hopes up and sail along and then hit a bump in the road. Hopefully, since he is at his outpt program right now he will get some insight. I know that my husband only heard "bleh bleh bleh" whenever I was triggered and got angry. Nothing I said got through.

I cannot tell you how important my own recovery was to maintaining my sanity. Addiction sucks and that's my vote.

I'm thinking about you and sending hugs

just read your reply while I was typing my response. So sorry about the text. You asked what you do now? Well, you take a deep breath. You keep posting here until you feel more settled. You realize that this has nothing to do with you. This has to do with a sickness in him. You make sure that your "house" is in order. What do you need to do for you tonight to be ready for tomorrow. Do you go to work in the morning? Do you have pets that you need to take care of? A woman I know that works a great recovery told me what she did one night when her recovering husband went back out and smoked crack. Once she realized that he was "out" and had stolen money from her to go out...she called her sponsor. Her sponsor told her to write down every single one of her fears - get it all out. Follow each one through to the very end. Once she got it alll out she realized that she could handle every single one of them. When all of the fear was floating around in her head it was scarier than when she was able to get it all down.

My fears led me to realizing that I need to know that I am okay - physically, financially, emotionally. When I identified all of that I was able to start taking the actions to ensure my being okay. I think that is what she did that night. She said that she went to bed and then got up the next morning and went to work - I couldn't believe that she was able to do that but it was a real testimony to her recovery.

There is nothing that you did to cause this nor was there anything that you could have done to make it difference. Relapses are common so even if he does it doesn't necessarily mean that he is going to stay out. No matter what he does - you are going to be okay.

Keep posting. We're here for you.

Thank you Suki, Joan and Teke......

I am struggling with this..... because if he does relapse... he is not allowed home.... he has to go to an SLE.... we agreed about this. I feel as though lying IS a form of relapse. Actually ... his disconnecting from me feels all too much like the using days.

I'm thinking that he is wanting control right now... and while he was completely out of control when in active addiction... in a sense he was in control because he did whatever he wanted to do.... and lied to EVERYONE. Yeah.... rehab is not a cure all... and I knew this was going to be the hardest part... the recovery is the WAR .... I'm just torn because how can he think that it is okay to lie to me!?! Expect me to think that it is OKAY?! When it clearly is not..... no matter how small or how big the lie is.... it's a LIE!

And by saying okay to something like a lie means that it's okay to lie in general. We agreed to move forward with a clean slate... and it all has just started up again.

I know.... I have to just focus on me.. and the boys.... and realize that he is going to do what he is going to do whether or not I police him! The lying literally makes me bonkers.. crazy.... insane... and I get wrapped up in it and react so quick with emotion. I'm going to go to another al-anon meeting tomorrow.

What am I scared the most about? That my boys are growing that much closer to him and that we live together and that all of it could go just so badly and I will end up saying goodbye. My craving for a stable and lovingly authentic environment is just as strong as his craving to use.

ALL craving in general is not healthy..... and the fear of being abandoned is rearing it's head..... I like your advice Suki..... I'm just going to think about me and what I want to do for ME! Going to book up my week .... !!!!!

LS ....... oh how I wish I could be in a room with you and everyone here F2F!

So why do you think they lie? Is it a control thing? How do we get across to them that it is NOT okay?!

I know what you mean about being a dry addict. That is the best way I can explain how he is being.

I WILL stand by him in recovery...... but NOT by him if he starts using again. I am realizing that could most definitely happen. Maybe I became victim of that pink cloud syndrome as well????

Good news is that the IOP hasn't called asking where he is......so I will take that as a good sign. Although after I received that text message he wouldn't answer my phone calls.

I sent him texts saying that him getting loaded was absurd and that it was best he just didn't lie.

I'm sorry that your husband has lied to you.. you are good to wait until you are calmed down. Does that mean you will approach him about it?

My brother constantly lies to my sis in law... and she will call me to verify things and I probably bust him out every other time. I don't get caught up in it and she just deals with it her way.... which is I think just throwing herself into her own life!

Which is what I'm going to have to do!!!!!! This has been a tremendous wake up call.... now I just have to work on doing this all with love and not feeling revengeful or resentful. I know just lying about a missed call is not THAT big of a deal.... but it raises some major red flags.... cause if he has lied about that... what else could he be lying about or will lie about?

Thank you everyone because posting here and reading your replies truly make me feel less crazy!

I haven't been on the boards in awhile. But my RAH used about 1 1/2 years ago with LOTS of lying and a girlfriend. That I know of he has not used in that time, but I do wonder if he has used something other then coke.

I totally agree with your quote. My RAH has been lying to me again, he won't admiit it but I just find some of his behavior strange, lots of text messages and phone calls. The phone is in my name - we just got into a fight about this because he said he needs his privacy.

Am I wrong to feel that he shouldn't hide anything, he doesn't want me looking over his portion of the bill, because then I am invading his privacy.

I am sitting here tonight feeling just like your statement and I can't go thru this all over again.

Oh Truffles...... I'm so sorry! It's ALL MANIPULATION!!!!!!!! Could you imagine yourself saying that? Not only saying that but also believing it to even make any kind of sense? I think the reason why we even let it make sense to us is because it is our form of denial?!!?!! Also.... there is guilt involved because we are obviously "looking" for something!

For example.... if it was anyone other than him that had a missed call... I wouldn't even bother to ask.. much less give it a second thought..... but with him...... the intuition or the codie in me... whichever it is... screams at me on the inside to find out just who it was!

To be quite frank.... the rational side of me wants to run.... run as fast I can.... but if I play the tape all the way through... I know what will happen... he will want to be allowed back in .....and then we will "talk and talk" things through.... and we are back to where we were last week.... and it just goes on and on again.

I'm really hoping that my going to al-anon... taking part in my recovery is really the answer.... not just for this relationship, but for ME!

Are you going to al-anon Truffles? Are you doing or have you done recovery work on you too? Is your AH doing the steps or a form of recovery work?
It's great that he has been clean that long thus far.... but yeah when it smells like an A... it most likely is an A..... :( Denial is a biatch!!!!!!!

No I am not going to meetings and my RAH just stopped using oneday and never went back. We actually moved out of state and things have been great, it has only been the past couple of weeks that I feel like something is up.

I totally understand about the missed call, if his phone rings and he won't answer he tells me "I don't know who it is". Some of the crap that is coming out of his mouth he use to say in the past.

I am going to really try not to let it get to me and not snoop, which I have started doing.

That is GREAT advice!!!!!! Thank you SO much!!!!!! :)

I am self - employed..... so I am going to fill in this week with TO DO's that I must do for myself..... and just stay very busy. The crazy thing... is that I have been leaving my schedule totally open for his stuff... and up until today we were a one car family.... and now he has a rental with his in the shop... and immediately I thought to keep my schedule even more open...... What the heck is that about? Totally the opposite is what I need and should be doing! Grant it... life is what it is.... but I also believe we have some power in taking ownership of what it should be..... and what that should be... is me not leaving my schedule for him..... but making it for ME! Doink!

If I have commitments to tend to... it makes it all just a little bit easier... it forces me to concentrate on myself and my needs.

I have no idea what to expect in 2 hours when he is *meant* to be home.... I told my girlfriend what happened and her advice was to just kick him out now before it goes bad to worse. Right now.... I don't see that nor want that as an option.... but I have to realize to myself just when the risk is going to outweigh the reward.

I do feel more settled now after being here and getting it out. In fact, I feel a ton better. Hopefully it's not more like I am numb though... I still want to be aware. Maybe if it is more of a numb feeling... then that's okay too. Regardless... I do feel better.

Thanks you guys xoxoxo

I think the answer to snooping is this..... if you snoop.... what is the plan of action to be taken if you find something? Cause chances are... if we look hard enough for something we will find it! For me it's not finding out or the act of busting him... it's the sensations I feel when I'm in that kind of predicament. Those are what I look at the most. And then when I find him out about it... and he still continues to lie his way out of it.... it just becomes so ridiculous I just want to throw my hands in the air..... like what is the point of any or all of this???!

We have to just wrap ourselves in our life and how we are feeling and what we are doing.... so easy.... yet so hard to really do! For me why it's so hard, I think it's because I take so much of his lying so personally... like I really feel that he must really dislike me or not care about me to hurt me like that. And then i start second guessing myself. I have to remember that it is HIS issue...... not mine. It took me about 2.5 hours tonight to come to that.... and I'm sure it will come up again for me...... but the fact that right now I can look at myself and not take it personally against me ... tells me that it's going to be okay.......... for me. Us.... ???? Huge question mark..... but I know I will be okay.... even if it's just one hour at a time......

HOLY CRAP ANVIL!!!!!!!!! YOU ARE BACK!!!!!!!!!!!!! YESSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!

So... when Hank starts to dis-connect....... what do you do? Wrap yourself up more so with you????

wow .... okay.... that makes a ton of sense. You are one helluva strong woman! Thanks for painting a picture for me too.

Hmmm ... okay well..... I'm going to mull that over a bit and now start us all on some dinner. T minus 1 hour that he comes home..... *IF* he comes home....

I'm going to an alanon meeting tomorrow night.... already set up child care!