raven2006

Hi everyone ...wanted to ask some advice / opinions of what would be the best approach . My husband is in treatment right now for alcohol/ drug use and also anxiety . He has to quit all because of upcoming house arrest he will be doing . he is aware and seems willing to try . more then I can say in the past..however our daughter who is 17 also has drug issues . I feel that the best approach would be for him to be strong enough to be her father and say no we dont do that in our home , but he of course can not even say that because of his example he sets and of course his desire and need to continue . So I feel that even if he were strong and even if she didnt want to encourage or agree with his drug use , that this is going to be a huge issue to deal with to ever straighten our family up ..How do i cope with helping both of them to set that father daughter boundry again ..How to get thru to her as a mother about the ground rules in our home .. See its very hard and mixed up because my ground rules are not his ....what to do with her ? she is 17 so i have some leverage .....its not all what she chooses right now and I can not just walk away of course .. any ideas ? Totally confused .

Chino

What are your ground rules? The court?

raven2006

My ground rules or boundries are no drug use ....working on some ways to improve themselves . In order for my husband to succeed on house arrest . I feel that this needs to be taken seriously by all in the family . new boundries and structure . I Have been thru this for many years with my husband and he has been out of the picture on and off as I have regained my own needs and life . This time is the final curtain as I will seek divorce if there are not changes , however I feel that in order for it to work . he has to be sober , drug free and also she has to be the same otherwise one would encourage the other right? so the boundries are just what any other normal family would be . no drugs , alcohol and working on goals . The issue is as well is that the court will take care of that anyway for me .. like for instance if he does use again he will be in jail anyway so that is a help but i suppose i am trying to make sure that I am strong enough not to enable either of them to be weaker and in the process for me to compromise my own boundries with their manipulation .....I hope that makes sense....For my daughter that is 17 she doenst know she is very confused and has lived with this confusion for many years ..she doenst see the seriousness of the fact that he could go back to jail immediately , that it effects my life , everything for her is fun time not thinking of the consequences . I think i finally view this as truly a family disease where I have never seen that before . I feel that without help for all of us effected it will never work .

justjo

Hi Raven
Sorry to hear about your situation. Its a tough road to be the one in the middle of this madness, I know.
Firstly, Id be looking at who your daughter is associating with, where is she getting the drugs. Can you have some say at this stage about her environment. If she has seen dad doing this for years it could be her way of not having to deal with things. (how bad is she, get her professional help before its too late) My son was 14 when he started and I couldnt stop it. Because I loved him so much I didnt realize I was actually helping the addiction. It took another 8yrs before he realized his life became sh.t and there was no one to pull him up.
Its up to your husband whether he wants a happy family life or not. While he can get away with this in your home, he will and yes its like smoking and telling your kids not to smoke.
I wish you well and keep us up to date.
JJ

NoelleR

Hey Raven2006 ----

You seem to have a lot of good stuff going for you, and justso made some good suggestions.....I'm not sure if I have any suggestions, but I do see something that I feel needs to be addressed (at least from my perspective)....

I don't think it's quite equitable to make your husband's fate rest on your daughters actions - at least if I'm reading this right....: "...This time is the final curtain as I will seek divorce if there are not changes , however I feel that in order for it to work . he has to be sober , drug free and also she has to be the same..." --- I realize your thinking is that if she is still using she could be a temptation for him.....but do you really feel that your husband should be penalized over someone else's actions (a person he cannot control).....just like we all learn that.....: we didn't cause it; we can't cure it; and we can't control it.......well, that goes for your husband in regards to your daughter.

Hmmmm, perhaps you could set up two sets of boundaries.....? Yeh right, ain't I some help.....lol Obviously, with your husband your boundaries are already set.....he uses (remember, you're not telling him to NOT use--just what you will need to do for you if he does), you get divorce (and all the other 'stuff' that needs doing along with that).....pretty straight forward. But with a 17 y/o daughter, well, I'll bow to those here who have daughters around the same age as yours.....I'm sorta outta my depth here.....

I hope some of this helps, and I hope I didn't offend.....and if I did, I'm sorry, and will try not to repeat..... (o:


NoelleR

Chino

If I could go back and change one thing when my daughter was a teenager, I would have taken her to a therapist and researched the laws in my community regarding her behavior. My punishments never fazed her.

I knew one mom who called the police on her son when he was drinking and using drugs, charged him with juvenile delinquency. He was allowed to live at home but had to answer to a probation officer. He spent one week in detention for a dirty urine sample but never again. He's in his fourth year of college now and doing well.

You can have boundaries but, if you don't have the muscle to back it up, it's all for nothing.

PacNorwesterner

Raven ~ just a thought. If your husband will be on house arrest, I would think that your home could be subject to casual searches. If any drugs or alcohol are found (dh or dd), you and your dh could be liable.

This is such a sensitive time, personally, I would not tolerate any drugs or alcohol. Just my two cents.

Good luck with this.

ladyamalthea

My husband is a probation officer, and he is in charge of the house arrest for their courts. I can tell you that PacNorwesterner is absolutely right about the danger you are putting yourself into if drugs or alcohol were to be found in the house. Granted, the likelihood of someone coming in and randomly searching the house is pretty unlikely, but I can promise you that if it did happen, with any of those substances present, your husband would immediately be taken to jail and you might face charges just for "allowing" the stuff to be there, whether it was with your permission or not.

Take care of yourself. This can be a tough situation, but stay strong and you'll get through it.

*hugs and prayers*

gotahavfaith

I am not sure that I have alot of advise, but my daughter has had drug issues for a long time. They have no idea what they are doing to themselves and I could not convince my daughter that she was ruining her life. Her biological father is a very bad alcholic/drug addict and she has been around that for years, but thank God, he ran off from me when she was just a baby and I do have a wonderful husband of 20 years. Still it has such an impact on her. I did everything wrong when my daughter was using, thought I could fix it, but you just can't. You do still have a little control over her, but even underage, not much. I tried everything and all it did was make me a crazy woman. She ended up pregnant her senior year and then 3 years later the second child came along. I don't think she would have ever gotten clean (could be wrong) but she finally got rid of the boyfriend, also an addict and I think once she saw that she was going to have to be a single parent, or I was going to raise the kids, maybe that was what made her see the light. I just don't know. I do know that I helped my daughters addiction grow worse, not intentionally, just trying everything I knew how to do as a parent. She was arrested at 16, went to court where I told them she had a drug addiction, they made her do like 6 counseling sessions and closed her case, without ever drug testing her. So that was of no help. I made her go to a psychologist, without results because she didn't want to be there and even had her locked down in a drug ward. They turned her loose after 3 days saying that she was not having withdrawal symptoms, so she could not be addicted to drugs, that she was just using recreationally, plus her Dr. kept her in pain pills for her medical problems. When I finally told him that she had a drug problem, he wanted nothing else to do with helping her, I think it was a liablility issue for him. Up to that point he had been very caring, but I think he just didn't know enough about addiction to help. I know that I am rambling, but I think the best thing you can do is to do something for yourself. Try an Alanon or NarcAnon meeting, I never thought I belonged there either, but I kept going because I had no place else to go. Now I know that was where I was supposed to be. Still I know how hard it can be. I am praying for you and your family.