A little OT, but my codie slip is showing!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: To the North
Posts: 1,086
A little OT, but my codie slip is showing!
A little off topic, and maybe not so much. I have a friend, he's been my friend for 5-6 years. We have walked and talked with our dogs almost everyday for hours most of those years. I thought I "knew" him. I know, I know I have learned and know better now. Over these last months I have learned so much for myself and consequently I have seen red flags popping up all over my friend just how damaged and wounded he is and how much of his own work he will eventually have to do for himself when he's ready as an adult child of an alcoholic.
So, that being said, he's still my friend. Over these last months, and everything I've been thru, apparently he has developed feelings and had visions of a relationship with me. He has taken this to a level which confuses and saddens me more than anything. He has sent me this long email about what he thought we were and what he thought we would be after my divorce and he is heartbroken that I am not interested in pursuing this. He wants us to go to therapy together to work thru this, etc.
I feel like I don't want to respond to this at all, but (of course) there is the years of friendship that I feel that he deserves acknowledgement and respect. I would like to be able to simply say to him something that is kind, firm but final. Wondering if anyone has any thoughts about this, I would be happy for some help.
I see how the "old" CW picked this wounded bird to befriend, even tho I didn't think he "needed" my help... the new and informed CW sees the old pattern, sees how I did this and knows I wouldn't make this same mistake so easily again. He is so different than my AH in so many ways, and yet so similar in so many ways too.
I'm not exactly happy this situation, but feeling my new tools at "work" makes me feel good that some of my own work is actually part of me and I've accomplished some goals!
So, that being said, he's still my friend. Over these last months, and everything I've been thru, apparently he has developed feelings and had visions of a relationship with me. He has taken this to a level which confuses and saddens me more than anything. He has sent me this long email about what he thought we were and what he thought we would be after my divorce and he is heartbroken that I am not interested in pursuing this. He wants us to go to therapy together to work thru this, etc.
I feel like I don't want to respond to this at all, but (of course) there is the years of friendship that I feel that he deserves acknowledgement and respect. I would like to be able to simply say to him something that is kind, firm but final. Wondering if anyone has any thoughts about this, I would be happy for some help.
I see how the "old" CW picked this wounded bird to befriend, even tho I didn't think he "needed" my help... the new and informed CW sees the old pattern, sees how I did this and knows I wouldn't make this same mistake so easily again. He is so different than my AH in so many ways, and yet so similar in so many ways too.
I'm not exactly happy this situation, but feeling my new tools at "work" makes me feel good that some of my own work is actually part of me and I've accomplished some goals!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 1,307
WOW... CW........ way to go on recognizing this!!!!!!!
When my EXAH and I split.... I did the opposite of what you are doing. Well actually... strike that.... I fell into a relationship with a friend quite along those same dynamics and realized about 6 weeks into it that I had to end it because it was just so unfair to him and I wasn't even ready to explore down that path. It was really so wonderful spending time with a normie and actually being the one who was being taken care of! But 2 weeks after splitting, I found out I was pregnant. Long story short, 2 boys and a marriage later, we realized that we were just that.... FRIENDS! (and we still are). In the end he said... "If only I was a "bad boy" and you had something to fix... I bet we'd still be together"...... YIKES!
Another situation.... a guy recently approached me with "if things were different.... would we be together?" Apparently, he is feeling some kind of bond ~ vibe... idk.... and I frankly told him.... that I have never felt those feelings. Basically CW... I was totally honest and he told me a few days later that while it did hurt, he appreciated the honesty.
SO ... my advice.... is stay honest.
When my EXAH and I split.... I did the opposite of what you are doing. Well actually... strike that.... I fell into a relationship with a friend quite along those same dynamics and realized about 6 weeks into it that I had to end it because it was just so unfair to him and I wasn't even ready to explore down that path. It was really so wonderful spending time with a normie and actually being the one who was being taken care of! But 2 weeks after splitting, I found out I was pregnant. Long story short, 2 boys and a marriage later, we realized that we were just that.... FRIENDS! (and we still are). In the end he said... "If only I was a "bad boy" and you had something to fix... I bet we'd still be together"...... YIKES!
Another situation.... a guy recently approached me with "if things were different.... would we be together?" Apparently, he is feeling some kind of bond ~ vibe... idk.... and I frankly told him.... that I have never felt those feelings. Basically CW... I was totally honest and he told me a few days later that while it did hurt, he appreciated the honesty.
SO ... my advice.... is stay honest.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: southern cal
Posts: 84
Hi CW,
I was recently on the "other side" your situation, but as the codie who was (ok, still is), with this guy on a daily basis who is now not ready/willing/able to be in a relationship, but had conducted himself with me (as I perceived) to be emotionally committed and somewhat intimate.
Though we talked about it afterwards and I'm trying to be "OK" with the boundaries HE set, he started it with a direct but sensitive email saying "Friendship-please don't take this the wrong way" and proceeded to talk about how he apologizes if he gave the impression that he wanted more than friends but that as difficult as it is to find and make real friends, he wanted "more than anything" to be good friends because if things didn't work out, the friendship is often hard to repair.....
I couldn't be mad at him foe that....tho I was a bit humiliated at first, but realized he was right. Now even if that was complete BS, and he just realized he didn't have romantic feelings for me, at least it spared mine.
Hope that helps.
Hugs,
Rivka
I was recently on the "other side" your situation, but as the codie who was (ok, still is), with this guy on a daily basis who is now not ready/willing/able to be in a relationship, but had conducted himself with me (as I perceived) to be emotionally committed and somewhat intimate.
Though we talked about it afterwards and I'm trying to be "OK" with the boundaries HE set, he started it with a direct but sensitive email saying "Friendship-please don't take this the wrong way" and proceeded to talk about how he apologizes if he gave the impression that he wanted more than friends but that as difficult as it is to find and make real friends, he wanted "more than anything" to be good friends because if things didn't work out, the friendship is often hard to repair.....
I couldn't be mad at him foe that....tho I was a bit humiliated at first, but realized he was right. Now even if that was complete BS, and he just realized he didn't have romantic feelings for me, at least it spared mine.
Hope that helps.
Hugs,
Rivka
Belgian Sheepdog Adictee
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
Posts: 6,101
((((((CW))))))
You have come a very long way my friend!!!!!!! Your recovery is showing that you can recognize these things now.
My suggestion, is a simple not too long, not too short, email, expressing that you understand what he is saying, however, that you are still a long way from any relationship of that kind with anyone, that you still have a lot of work to do on yourself before you can 'even begin to think about a new relationship.'
You can tell him you are flattered (you are) that he feels that way and it is a great ego booster, but that you are not ready or even near ready for an in depth personal relationship.
That way you are being honest and gentle, and still keeping it 'light'. This is for YOU, remember, YOU come first.
Then let it lie. Whether you continue to walk your dogs together or not, see what happens. If you do walk the dogs, keep conversation light, current affairs, politics (well maybe not politics, lol unless on a 'local' level) events happening in the city, some new scientific discovery, etc.
Your "Shining" Recovery makes my heart smile. thank you.
Love and hugs,
You have come a very long way my friend!!!!!!! Your recovery is showing that you can recognize these things now.
My suggestion, is a simple not too long, not too short, email, expressing that you understand what he is saying, however, that you are still a long way from any relationship of that kind with anyone, that you still have a lot of work to do on yourself before you can 'even begin to think about a new relationship.'
You can tell him you are flattered (you are) that he feels that way and it is a great ego booster, but that you are not ready or even near ready for an in depth personal relationship.
That way you are being honest and gentle, and still keeping it 'light'. This is for YOU, remember, YOU come first.
Then let it lie. Whether you continue to walk your dogs together or not, see what happens. If you do walk the dogs, keep conversation light, current affairs, politics (well maybe not politics, lol unless on a 'local' level) events happening in the city, some new scientific discovery, etc.
Your "Shining" Recovery makes my heart smile. thank you.
Love and hugs,
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Upstate, NY
Posts: 718
Exactly. Be honest. let him know you enjoy his company and friendship, but are no way ready to take to any other level. Then just let things unfold. Trust yourself, to know what is good for you and keep true to you. Remember, you are my hero! I know you know how to do it!
Hugs!
Hugs!
Jujubee Queen
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: Port Charlotte, Florida
Posts: 3,582
Holy Cow, how you identified him as a wounded bird is amazing!
Funny how, with a bit of recovery under our belt we can see things the way they really are, and how we seem to migrate to those "wounded birds"!
On the other hand, the codie (that lies deep in my subconscious) kind of feels sorry for the fella, but good grief, can he not see where you're coming from?
That surely would be a "out of the fire, into the pan" type of relationship, so good for you that you've come this far, and recognized it. Give yourself a big pat on the back.
As for him, tell him the truth. Period. And hope your honesty doesn't botch up the friendship...
Hugs,
Funny how, with a bit of recovery under our belt we can see things the way they really are, and how we seem to migrate to those "wounded birds"!
On the other hand, the codie (that lies deep in my subconscious) kind of feels sorry for the fella, but good grief, can he not see where you're coming from?
That surely would be a "out of the fire, into the pan" type of relationship, so good for you that you've come this far, and recognized it. Give yourself a big pat on the back.
As for him, tell him the truth. Period. And hope your honesty doesn't botch up the friendship...
Hugs,
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
I think your recovery is shining brightly here and being honest with him is also honoring yourself.
He may feel hurt or embarrassed right now, but think of the wonderful experience he will gain from learning to deal with life on life's terms.
Proud Hugs
He may feel hurt or embarrassed right now, but think of the wonderful experience he will gain from learning to deal with life on life's terms.
Proud Hugs
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