drainedwife

I am writing this post for some ideas, suggestions, and encouragement.
I am planning on telling my ah, that i am done with this rdiculous thing we call a marriage, by the end of the summer...

During this time, i need a game plan..i need to do things like, talk to a lawyer, get a new car lease, find out answers to a slew of legal questions, find friends or reconnect to those who will be a support system, read encouraging books to get me strong, etc....

I just wanted to know if anyone had any other ideas of what i can do to plan for this....I want to be smart about it and try to handle it intelligently and not that all of my emotions get in the way.

I found 2 credit card statements that my ah has sent to his work---he ides them from me so that he can get cash advances to buy drugs and i wont notice money missing...we had paid off all of the cards in April and now he is starting up again....

any advise will be appreciated..thanks so much!!!

Abundance

DW.... It sounds as though you are on the right path. The hard part is going to be moving your heart aside.

My advice would be that when you tell your husband this... it is just that and not just an ultimatum... one that you can't or ultimately won't keep.

If there is nothing he can do to make things different and you are just so done.... then what I would also advise is that you have all of these things lined up so that you are even stronger mentally and emotionally that this is something you not only want, but that you are already doing. A part of me feels that he should be given a heads up... but then again I don't know your whole story... I mean after all.... his actions have been slowly taking your marriage to a demise.... you are now putting an end to it... and have to do what you have to do to make your life the way you want it!

I probably wasn't very much help... but that is mainly because I think you are already well on your way!

rivka

This may sound too simple, but I made a huge list of the things my addict guy did to me and the lies (that I'm aware of) and how I would counteract those, to assist with building up my self-esteem to teach me how to secure each part of me that his manipulation affected. I've unfortunately had to do this with a couple guys in the past...

My comments are NOT about punishing him...they are about PROTECTING YOU.
Yes, I'm a codie and have alot of work to do, but have been the "victim" of a guy's revenge, which further drove me into self-destructive behavior so I try to look out for myself a bit more.

Like you noted about the credit cards, make a looooong list like:

Credit card misuse and hiding - response: call and cancel cards and don't tell him
Taking jewelry to finance drugs - response: Hide jewelry at friends house or in bank safe deposit box
Computer file access: response: Change name and passwords to this SR website and all banking or purchasing and email sites so he cannot hack in and access your private conversations and info
personal cell phone: response: keep it on you AT ALL TIMES and put a password lock on it. Don't let him have access to friends/family/coworkers phone numbers. He may seek verbal revenge or manipulate someone you know into telling him things you don't want him to know

He may catch on to your slow, but steady, empowerment and as they are master manipulators, he may try to "guilt" you into feeling bad and staying, so this may be drastic, but if there is someone, a friend, a family member, that you trust to assist you, you may want to move out of your home that you share with him, and seek comfort with the trusted friend/family member. If you have kids it may be more difficult due to school access, but you may need to go somewhere where he cannot bother you at least until you can address the more formal issues.

I'm so sorry that you have to go through this. It is a toxic environment that you need to change, and you KNOW this, but sometimes it takes our heart a while to catch up with our head.
Keep coming here....there are fantastic people in this group who have provided me with great support and insight.
I wish that for you too.

God Bless,
Rivka

drainedwife

thanks abundance and rivka---i havent decided whether or not there should be an ultimatum; like "you have to get some serious help this time, or else im done!!" I think that is probably not a good idea...He may say he will go for help just to appease me like he has done before---I am afraid that if i am not strong enough, he will manipulate me and i will give in again..

But i have to have my head on straight and i have to be REALLY strong and fed up!!! Which I am--i do not want to be married to someone i cannot trust.....and uses behind my back and lies to me about it and tries to make me think like im crazy---enough already--its going to be going on 3 years of this CR*P!!! and im sick of it!!

I dont want to give him the heads up because i have to be ready...and he will make my life hell...ive given him enough warning that i drugs in a marriage is a dealbreaker--he knows how i feel and yet he cant help himself...and he will never get any help-he will never admit he has a problem--i dont think he possibly can see himself in that way.

thanks again--keep the suggestions coming!!!

Callie

DW - I had to do the same thing. When I made my mind up to get things in order to protect ME the first thing I did was call a lawyer. Find out my rights, how much CS their would be and found out how things were divided in my state.

I then started getting things in my name and making sure my name was OFF of anything that was his. Credit cards, car loans, ANYTHING that I could get seperated I did. I also did a spreadsheet of how I thought things should be divided. How much equity we had etc. I also put a value on all of our household assets of value. Big screen Tv's, washer, dryer, etc. I did all of this without giving AH the heads up. This also made me feel better financially. It also told me what I needed to do to make it here alone. Also, come up with a curent budget and a budget with the bare minimum. I cancelled Netflix, took our Dish Network service to the minimum and things like that.

If you see a lawyer, the consultation is generally free. I actually went to 2 different lawyers within a years time just to be sure I was on the right path. Also, if he is still hiding credit cards, keep in mind that YOU are responsible for 1/2 of his debt, just as he is of yours. This is very scary when dealing with an addict because they have NO concept of $$ during this time. (at least mine doesn't).

Like you, I am done with the ultimatum's. I hope that he DOES get the help that he needs and I will do everything that I can to help him do that. But in my reality I'm not sure even if he DID get better and not use again that it would be enough. He's done SO much damage that I don't think it can be undone.

All in all, move swiftly to do what you need to do, but also take the time to think things through and make the right moves. Like you, I'm not trying to take from AH, but I'm trying to protect myself, my kids and my home.

lightseeker

DW,

Callie's post is exactly what I would recommend doing. If you are ready to make this move then I would get everything completely lined up before I tried to talk to him about it all. I've found that giving him a head's up is simply perceived as a threat and empty promises are all that I get back. Since he is still in active addiction it's doubtful that it would be anything but that scenario. My sober husband doesn't even get it.

I keep hoping that things are going to change and the "warning" is as far as I ever get....if things don't change then I'm going to do such and such. No wonder he doesn't believe me. Things will change when something actually changes. I applaud your momentum and thoroughness with this. A plan is necessary to be able to do it and to protect your riights. I would get my name off of all of his credit cards pronto - no matter what happens with ya'll. You are responsible for 1/2 of his debt incurred during the marriage even when your name isn't on the card...but at least that would protect you if you are separated. It's still important though to have credit established in your own name.

I found some books about how to prepare for separation and divorce and they are helpful. Just be careful about them lying around where he might see them.

Thinking about you as you start this process. I know that you are truly drained and just need things to change.

Hugs

pjbs55

DW,
Read as much as you can. I also recommend opening a checking account in your name only and put as much money as you can in there, this way you know you have money for bills in the beginning. Go to meetings for support, you might find a friend who has been going through the same thing and can give you more support.
Separtating from a lawyer is hard, been there done that. Please feel free to contact me, I'm here for you.
Take care of you and the girls they will need you and do need you
Hugs coming your way

imallright

Amen to that. Callie and Lightseeker are 100% on the money IMO. I took my time and got my ducks in a row. That helped me financially and to develop the strength I needed to make a change. A good counselor helps. Knowing that you need to do what you need to do in your time helps. I beat myself up because I wasn't moving fast enough and then finally said, "no, I will move when I am ready."

Once you get to the point where enough is enough... money doesn't matter. Nothing except peace and your sanity will matter. You will make it work. I am telling myself this as much as I am telling you. Right now is one of the worst times in my life, but I have to believe that having made the decision to end the madness will lead me to a better life. Keep moving forward!

Ladybugg

I started doing the same things when I decided it was over. I didn't start early enough but it helps a bunch. Remember when you are gone you get weak sometimes. The weekends are hard.. and nights. The pain IS worth it in the end. IMO, it will do no good to give any ultmatiums. He will know what he has to do to get you back, but you have to let him go for it to happen. Then if it don't for whatever reasons, you will fianally know that you did the right thing.

Callie

I agree with the others don't give him the heads up. He's how many years of empty threats. Its time to look out for yourself and your kids. Giving him the heads up only takes away from your progress in what you need to do financially to get things going.

kidsandmemake3

Please also consider moving your important documents such as birth certificates, social security cards, school records, tax statements, etc. to another location that is not your home (somewhere that he does not have access to- a friends house, safety deposit box, etc.)

There is a time and a place for ultimatums... if you are through with it, the time for an ultimatum has passed.

Gather your courage...

I am going through a similar situation and I have also had to prepare myself to be expecting the verbal darts and guilt trips...

You may consider having a few talking points handy...

If you cry in front of him, you might say something like, "I am crying because I am sad for the loss of the life I thought we would have together. There is nothing you or I can do at this point to make that better. It is time for this conversation to end now."

If he guilt trips you, you might consider saying something like, "I am powerless over how the consequence of your drug use is playing out in your life. I have problems of my own to deal with; hope things get better for you, I know they will for me, and this conversation is over now."

just a few thoughts...

atalose

Wow drained I am really very proud of you, you are showing the strong side I always new was there….(((hugs))))

I agree don’t give him a heads up until you have your plan in place and are ready to carry it out.

A good way to re-connect with old friends is to be open and honesty with them about your situation and also express that you need there strength and support to help you through this.

I thought about, talked about leaving my ex for years before I actually did. I didn’t have any support close by as all my family lived on the east coast and we were living in the Midwest at the time. I really didn’t have close friends other then our neighbors but was too scared to open up and share my problems. I did find a part time job and even thought it didn’t pay much it gave me value as a person and my self esteem grew.

All of those things start to make us stronger so we are prepared. At this point there is no reason to rush, like you said you want to be smart not emotional.

My ex was a very controlling man; he used my fear against me for a long time. His biggest threat was in taking my children away or if I left him he’d make my life a living hell. I grew strong enough to realize my life already was a living hell being married to him and the only way out of hell was going to be up to me.

I had to be smarter and stronger then the devil I was married to and much advice you received above is smart. Make copies of all your documents and put them someplace safe, like with a friend.

The attorney I used was great and came as a recommendation from an old friend I had re-connected with. It was suggested to me to get a credit card in my name only while I was still married and not tell him about it. I used that credit card to secure my attorney retainer.

Keep posting you have tremendous support here.