malihas

Hello all,
My AH (who hadn't used since Jan '08, hence fooled his family into beleiving it'll be ok), overdosed on meth July 1st. He is a cocaine user, but not sure why he used meth. I feel this may have been a suicide attempt.

I found him falling all over, he went into a violent seizure and then started throwing up blood and that's when i called 911.
Right now the prognosis is not good. He will wake up, but his kidneys don't function. He will suffer with multi-organ failure and face its repercussions.

I am grieving. I have been through the shock stage and then cried back and forth. And i am angry today. I feel GUILTY because i feel angry, His parents don't get it. They want to go after the one who may have sold it (???)
One thing we have agreed on is he needs to be in continuous therapy or a rehab.

I am at odds... we have been married 1.5 years and i have been through a lot. I love him so much. but my feelings on anger, fear of the future, anxiety are getting in the way. Has anyone felt this way after a loved one being hospitalized?

I am left with consequences... he was laid off 2 weeks back. and i work freelance, so i am looking now. no health insurance. we had an elaborate trip planned and my parents were going to do a wedding reception for us in my home country (we would have been leaving july 7) what to do? how am i supposed to feel?

i plan on attending Al-Anon again soon.

Ann

Good plan, malihas. I'm so sorry for what you and he and your family are going through, how scary it all is.

My son overdosed a couple of times and I remember the second time, sitting at the hospital and feeling so very angry..at him, at addiction, at God and at myself for continuing to occupy that front row seat by letting him come home.

The basis of anger is fear, and, for me, the only way to get past the fear was to pray a lot and give my son to God's care. It's how I get through my days. Meetings taught me how to do that and I know they can help you too.

Sending prayers for all of you.

And big hugs

peaceteach

Hugs and prayers, Malihas. I'm sure things seem like a spinning-out-of-control madness right now. Hang in there. A meeting will surely help you to get grounded enough to deal with the immediate needs. Long term, it will be more up to your AH than to you on what happens there. Minimize the financial damage if that is your first concern. You can contact the airline tomorrow and ask about emergency situations. They will probably need something from his doctor, but I think there are policies for that. Tell your family all the truth so that you can get some loving support and so this is all out in the open and you don't have to hide anything anymore. Keep your distance from his family if necessary if they are in denial and endangering your emotional well-being.

The doctors will know the best plan regarding AH's health. Let them guide him while you decide how much you truly want to be involved at this point. Take care of YOU, sweetie. You did nothing wrong, and you know the 3 C's, right? My prayers are coming out to you tonight

kelsh

I remember standing over my son in ICU in a Trauma Hospital where he was in a chemical coma to keep him from moving since he had just had spinal cord injury surgery. He was in surgery 9 hours and they could do nothing but pick the pieces of bone out of his spinal cord. He is a quadraplegic now.

I knew that he had tried suicide but it didn't work...just left him paralyzed from his armpits down.

He drank until he was totally intoxicated and drove over a 150 foot cliff. It was in a very isolated place but someone had been up there rock climbing and stopped because my son's dogs were on the road and one had blood on it. He looked over the edge and saw the brake lights of my son's pickup.

He had been married a second time just a year and his wife didn't know what to do either. She was there with him along with me...but after 19 days I had to go back to home because I was ill.

When he was slowly taken off the drugs, he then was told he was a quadraplegic but chose to not acknowledge it. When he was some better he was transferred to the VA Hospital Spinal Cord Injury Unit in Seattle where he spent 7 months before he came home.

He got a low-income apartment. His wife had moved back home with her parents and they both chose to get divorced. She was about ten years younger and he was pretty realistic at that time about what it would take for him to be cared for in his own home.

I can say my heart hurts for you and your husband and families. It affects everyone. You ask how you are supposed to feel....I think you are probably still in shock and a thousand feelings are running through your head. The hardest part of all of this is being the Wife or Mother waiting to see if he will recover.

I would just stand and look at my son and all of the memories from the day he was born would run through my mind...he was my youngest boy...he and I had a very special relationship as Mom & Son. He is 39 now and has been back in the VA Hospital for another pressure sore....so has been in bed several months waiting for it to heal.

I didn't do this but should have...please take care of yourself...try to eat, sleep when you can and everything will either be something you cannot change or can change and that is decision time when you can help change something for the positive.

kelsh :ghug2

lightseeker

I'm sorry that this is happening to you and that he ended up in this situation. I know that it is scary. I used to tell my husband that if he died that I'd be the only wife in the world that would be pissed off at him instead of sad. I definitely understand the anger. He is reaping the repercussions of all that we know happens when you use drugs.

You asked how you are supposed to feel...I'd say that any way that you feel is the way that you should feel. But know that feelings are fleeting - just let them process through. It takes awhile for them all to run the gammit and for everything to settle down before you know how you really feel. A wise counselor explained that each feeling is actually a "part" of me...and that all parts are welcome. Each feeling that you have has it's own purpose and it's own agenda...they all need to be heard. Fighting any of my feelings just seems to make it worse so I have learned to let them just be. And you are processing them in a safe place - here at SR. His parents don't understand so they are not a safe place to go to process the feelings. They might be in a very different place of awareness than you are and invested in continuing to be in denial (as in "we need to get the person that sold this to him"). Obviously, he has not been able to stay sober but it's an opportunity to look at what isn't working. I don't know that I could have made it this far without going to Alanon/Naranon so I would really recommend trying to find some meetings whenever you can.

Does your family know what has happened and that the trip is on hold? Do you have some friends that you can lean on for support? If you don't, I can promise you that if you go to a meeting and ask for support that you will walk out with lots of phone numbers and people willing to help you. We know your pain and the whole premise of the program is to give back what was so freely given to each of us.

Let us know how you are doing and how he is doing too. I work in an ICU and it is a scary place to be when you are not used to it.

Take care of yourself. Hugs

patchoulli

I went thru the same thing 16 months ago..Kidney failure along with multiple organ failure and a stroke...I was numb for the first week, going thru the motions I had to go thru to help his children. When they left...I was so pissed...I didnt see it coming...I would have mixed emotions of sadness then such intense anger that I threw most of the pics of us together out...Heck yes you are pissed...its horrific what addicts do..The anger eventually fades and in its place is a feeling of sorrow for what they do to themselves and the waste of human life...take care of yourself...Marian

peaceteach

Wow! Brilliant description in such a concise writing style, Marian. That hit me like "bam!"

I'm so sorry that you both have had and are having these experiences, ladies. Please accept my prayers and hugs. I agree with the waste. Life should be honored, through tough times and wonderful ones alike. Thank you for providing examples of staying the course during crisis and walking through it with dignity and grace. One at the beginning, one at the end.

warrens

M

I have no advice or expertise. You are faced with more than you most likely "signed up" for.

I simply wish to say that there are many here to "lean on." It won't "fix" anything, but then you can't either. Only he can do that.

Your post causes me gratitude. I am an alcoholic in recovery. Somehow, I found a miracle in recovery.

I pray that he will as well. Thank you for sharing your situation. I hope you continue to share here and derive some strength and hope from it. Things can go many ways; here's hoping they go the way that gives you peace and serenity.

Be strong. Be hopeful. Take care of yourself.

warren

ZombieWife

Malihas, I am so sorry for this all. I will send good thoughts and lots of light and love your way on this. I hope he pulls through. Meth is a terrible terrible thing (my Recovering Husband's drug of choice.)

His parents probably mean well. I still have fantasies about being some kind of superhero and catching meth-makers (and seeing them jailed forever,) but I know it's pointless. As long as there is a market, they will continue to make it. Though I do think they are racking up terrible karmic points by the zillions each time they make a new batch.

Your anxiety and fear for the future is something we all have experience at some level and in some form. It's not the path we saw for ourselves when we said our vows. When we were little girls dreaming of being married (those of us who did dream of this,) we didn't see ourselves married to addicts who poisoned their bodies on a daily basis and turned into liars and thieves.

Put the reception on hold indefinitely. That can always happen sometime in the future.

If your hospital bills are too much, consider asking the hospital to consider you for a greatly reduced bill. I don't know exactly what it is called, but I was in the hospital with a kidney stone (at 5 months pregnant!) and had no insurance. The bill would have been $4,000. I was in school full time, part time work (at $500 a month) with my husband making around 1500 a month. They knocked that bill down to $450 based on our income, our bills, how much was coming in as opposed to going out. Ask about it.

Kelsh wrote:
Oh Kelsh, this just breaks my heart. Us moms never forget our babies and the day they came into the world. (huge hug from me to you.)

HurtByHer

So very sorry for what you are going through!

((hugs))