AH Moved out
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Join Date: May 2008
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AH Moved out
Well my AH moved out today and we mutually decided a divorce is inevitable. I am very sad, and scared but yet a little relieved at the same time. When he is in the house I try to depend on him but then find he is not dependable. I just can't stand all the suffering and yelling in front of my kids. The saddest part of today was telling them that dad was leaving. My 3year old is not saying anything and appears very sad. I realy don't know why I am posting other than to say I am sad and scared and any encouragment and advice will be helpful.
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Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Wilmington, NC
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I am sorry and know your pain. I think though, after tonight, you will sleep better and when you pull into the driveway, you won't wonder what kind mood your husband is going to be in and you will feel relief.
I don't know what your story is or what ya'll's history is but I've got all ideas he'll be wanting to come back. He will miss you and miss the kids. Right now, he probably just wants to party and not have to worry about you catching him or questioning him, etc. Every time mine has left, he's gotten whatever it is out of his system and is ready to come somewhere between 3 days and a week.
I probably shouldn't have taken back cause life remains a roller coaster. You're 3 year old can't really comprehend yet what daddy moving out is. It's kinda like daddy's on a trip or daddy is sick. They react and then more often than not, they forget. I convinced myself the first time hubby left that my 1 year old was "acting out" and "emotionally distrought" but I think it was more like, she was more in tune with my feelings, emotions and body language and was reacting to that!
Keep busy with your kids and try not to keep things as normal as possible and TRY not to let the kids overhear you talk about what's going on.
:ghug
I don't know what your story is or what ya'll's history is but I've got all ideas he'll be wanting to come back. He will miss you and miss the kids. Right now, he probably just wants to party and not have to worry about you catching him or questioning him, etc. Every time mine has left, he's gotten whatever it is out of his system and is ready to come somewhere between 3 days and a week.
I probably shouldn't have taken back cause life remains a roller coaster. You're 3 year old can't really comprehend yet what daddy moving out is. It's kinda like daddy's on a trip or daddy is sick. They react and then more often than not, they forget. I convinced myself the first time hubby left that my 1 year old was "acting out" and "emotionally distrought" but I think it was more like, she was more in tune with my feelings, emotions and body language and was reacting to that!
Keep busy with your kids and try not to keep things as normal as possible and TRY not to let the kids overhear you talk about what's going on.
:ghug
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Join Date: May 2008
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Thanks
I think this one is for real. My husband is sober thanks to suboxone. He has moved out a few times before but never more than a week and I told him moving in and out it was too upsetting to the kids that if he ever left again it would be for good. I never saw him pack and get his things together so quickly in my life. He just got kicked out of school and out our financial future is in serious jeapordy. He goes to court a week from Monday to possibly be convicted of a felony, he was already charged. Things are just real bad. I am trying to stay strong and pray that god helps me find a way to not lose everything. I am a homebody and I love my house and I have no idea how I am going to be able to keep it.
I think this one is for real. My husband is sober thanks to suboxone. He has moved out a few times before but never more than a week and I told him moving in and out it was too upsetting to the kids that if he ever left again it would be for good. I never saw him pack and get his things together so quickly in my life. He just got kicked out of school and out our financial future is in serious jeapordy. He goes to court a week from Monday to possibly be convicted of a felony, he was already charged. Things are just real bad. I am trying to stay strong and pray that god helps me find a way to not lose everything. I am a homebody and I love my house and I have no idea how I am going to be able to keep it.
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Join Date: May 2005
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Awwwww....this really sucks but in the long run it is an opportunity to build a life that is happy and serene for you and the kids. You are right - yelling and fighting in front of the kids is terrible for them. Much more terrible than going through a divorce. The father of my children was not a very good father until we divorced. It was only then that he was able to get into recovery and stay there. I think that ultimately, his losing his family was what made him wake up and do the deal. As long as I was there and took him back he never did do the deal for himself. The catch 22 thing I guess.
It helps to know that the initial feelings will calm down in time. It's completely normal to feel scared and sad right now. But you can use that energy to get organized and figure out what you need to do. If you've been going through a ton of stress it will be a blessing to have some calm in your home so that you can begin to heal. I think that we underplay how truly stressful it is to deal with addiction. It's not good for us, for our kids, and actually, not even good for the addict. The only solution seems to be to detach and pray that they will find their way into recovery if it gets bad enough for them.
Many times I've felt like it would have been a whole lot easier just to close the door on my relationship with my sober husband. We forget how much work there is to do in recovery and if they are not willing to work it - it sure is a tough road to hoe. I know some awesome people in recovery but they are the ones that work a program. I've found that it is really not worth it if both people aren't willing to roll up their sleeves and do a lot of hard work. It is not a one-way street.
Thinking about you and sending you love, hugs, and prayers. Take good care of yourself.
You know, in a way you've made a claim to a better future - just look at your signature...."thisisnotmylife". You must have known when you chose your name that you wanted something else.
It helps to know that the initial feelings will calm down in time. It's completely normal to feel scared and sad right now. But you can use that energy to get organized and figure out what you need to do. If you've been going through a ton of stress it will be a blessing to have some calm in your home so that you can begin to heal. I think that we underplay how truly stressful it is to deal with addiction. It's not good for us, for our kids, and actually, not even good for the addict. The only solution seems to be to detach and pray that they will find their way into recovery if it gets bad enough for them.
Many times I've felt like it would have been a whole lot easier just to close the door on my relationship with my sober husband. We forget how much work there is to do in recovery and if they are not willing to work it - it sure is a tough road to hoe. I know some awesome people in recovery but they are the ones that work a program. I've found that it is really not worth it if both people aren't willing to roll up their sleeves and do a lot of hard work. It is not a one-way street.
Thinking about you and sending you love, hugs, and prayers. Take good care of yourself.
You know, in a way you've made a claim to a better future - just look at your signature...."thisisnotmylife". You must have known when you chose your name that you wanted something else.
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Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
Sending you big hugs and prayers.
I know you're worried about what is going to happen with the house, but for today, try to focus on you and the kids. I agree with LS...we often don't realize how stressful it was to have them around until they are gone and there's peace and quiet.
Amy
I know you're worried about what is going to happen with the house, but for today, try to focus on you and the kids. I agree with LS...we often don't realize how stressful it was to have them around until they are gone and there's peace and quiet.
Amy
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Join Date: Nov 2007
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(((hugs)))
It's good to hear that you see the "relief" from the situation, and not just the sadness.
I just recently moved out from my AH, and I cannot tell you how light-hearted and happy I feel. Even when I'm dog-dead tired from packing and moving, and putting furniture together and feel like a wreck, people stop me and tell me how much better I look! That says a lot! I don't have kids, so I know that my decision was not the same and I'm sure it's much more difficult with children involved, but IMO better for them to not have to deal with an addict on a daily basis and the fall-out from all of it.
Good luck with your future, may it bring you joy and happiness, and peace!
It's good to hear that you see the "relief" from the situation, and not just the sadness.
I just recently moved out from my AH, and I cannot tell you how light-hearted and happy I feel. Even when I'm dog-dead tired from packing and moving, and putting furniture together and feel like a wreck, people stop me and tell me how much better I look! That says a lot! I don't have kids, so I know that my decision was not the same and I'm sure it's much more difficult with children involved, but IMO better for them to not have to deal with an addict on a daily basis and the fall-out from all of it.
Good luck with your future, may it bring you joy and happiness, and peace!
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Join Date: Dec 2007
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Hugs and prayers, (((Thisisnotmylife)))
It's devastating, for sure, but less devastating than living with the nightmarish behaviors of an addict. It's lonely, but less lonely than having an absent partner sitting loaded right in the same room with you. What you want vs. what you have just sucks, but today YOU have the power to actually HAVE what YOU want someday. Grieve, cry, but try not to be scared. Fear is such a negative thing and can really prevent you from making forward motion. Your fear of your marriage failing has come true. You can now put that fear to rest. I'm so sorry that you are having this experience, sweetie. I know you will survive it; so many of us here have. Stick close and feel safe crying here
It's devastating, for sure, but less devastating than living with the nightmarish behaviors of an addict. It's lonely, but less lonely than having an absent partner sitting loaded right in the same room with you. What you want vs. what you have just sucks, but today YOU have the power to actually HAVE what YOU want someday. Grieve, cry, but try not to be scared. Fear is such a negative thing and can really prevent you from making forward motion. Your fear of your marriage failing has come true. You can now put that fear to rest. I'm so sorry that you are having this experience, sweetie. I know you will survive it; so many of us here have. Stick close and feel safe crying here
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Join Date: Jun 2008
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I am so sorry you are going through this. Yes it is sad with the kids but you know really it will better to not have them in this day to day situation of yelling and fear. Like you said you couldn't depend on him anyway. I know your afraid but you can do this and you will be stronger in the long run. He will get his act together now because they don't miss what they have till they don't have it anymore. Be strong and post here for support.:ghug: praying
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Join Date: May 2008
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Originally Posted by thisisnotmylife 
I am very sad, and scared but yet a little relieved at the same time. When he is in the house I try to depend on him but then find he is not dependable.
I've got my own twisted story with my AH, but there has to come a time when ALL of us codies step back and try to see things clearly. We become SOO wrapped up in their mess that we forget about ourselves, our homes, our kids, our responsibilities etc. What is very abnormal has become NORMAL to us. We know this, we see this, but until you're living in the midst of the toxic mess nobody can understand it. I see tons of codies here (myself VERY MUCH included) who can give GREAT advice, but cannot take it ourselves.
Give it time, try to detach and see things from a clearer view.
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Join Date: May 2008
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I am so sad tonight. I was so strong for the first 24 hours he was gone and now I just feel so sad. I am exhausted and should get to sleep but I want to talk to him and he won't answer the phone. This afternoon he told me how he spent the last 24 hours working so hard on his recovery and he was heading to the post office to try and get change of address forms. It hurt so incredibly bad that he is now working so hard on his recovery after he moves out. I wasn't important enough to do it for.
How can you love and hate someone so much at the same time? I just feel like I am going crazy!
How can you love and hate someone so much at the same time? I just feel like I am going crazy!
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Join Date: Jun 2008
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You need to think about the positive side of this now. Yes, it is sad but you need to remember what it has been and not what it was a long time ago. Focus on yourself and your children right now.
Your husband is going to show you NOW that he can do this because inside he hurts too but you know how men are. So it isn't that you weren't important enough to quit for. It is that now he is alone and he is trying to stay busy and focus on anything but that he is out of the house...
Try to think of the good things, tell yourself for now he is on a business trip for a month and do what you normally would when he is gone. Yes, it is hard but this could all be a good thing. One day at a time and do something to stay busy. ((Prayers and Hugs)))):ghug
Your husband is going to show you NOW that he can do this because inside he hurts too but you know how men are. So it isn't that you weren't important enough to quit for. It is that now he is alone and he is trying to stay busy and focus on anything but that he is out of the house...
Try to think of the good things, tell yourself for now he is on a business trip for a month and do what you normally would when he is gone. Yes, it is hard but this could all be a good thing. One day at a time and do something to stay busy. ((Prayers and Hugs)))):ghug
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Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: san diego, ca
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(((This isnotmylife)))))
All of those conflicting feelings are very normal and you have to go "through" them in your own time.
i remember feeling good and strong one minute and desperately wanting him the next. I felt angry at all the past problems and then thinking maybe it wasn't so bad the next.
The biggest road block to my recovery then, and is still an obstacle at times now, is wondering what tomorrow will look like.
What if he gets better without me and someone else get the good stuff? What if he get better and I've already moved on? What if there's no one else out there for me? Am I always going to be alone? When will I break off mentally from him completely ? Do we have a chance in the future? AM I DOING THE RIGHT THING? so on, and so on.....
The greatest gift I gave myself was learning how to live in the moment and handling what it is now. Living in today. Today is all I have. It's the only moment have control over. who knows where your path is going to take you tomorrow, next month, next year? what you want or need now might not be what you want or need later. And you definitely have no idea where his road is leading.
He is going to do what he is going to do. And yes, it could drive you crazy especially if he seems happy after all the misery he " caused" you if you give it that kind of power.
If you focus on his road you get off your own.
He might get sober, and do well, he might get worse, and it could change daily but its not your barometer of happiness unless you let it be.
This is my biggest struggle because I had to learn my happiness is not based on others being happy and its not their job to make me happy and I thought, " Well that just sucks! what happened to we are in this together?!" Until I slowly started to find the freedom and release that comes from taking care of me.
what do you need to do today, to find your peace and happiness that has nothing to do with him right now?
All of those conflicting feelings are very normal and you have to go "through" them in your own time.
i remember feeling good and strong one minute and desperately wanting him the next. I felt angry at all the past problems and then thinking maybe it wasn't so bad the next.
The biggest road block to my recovery then, and is still an obstacle at times now, is wondering what tomorrow will look like.
What if he gets better without me and someone else get the good stuff? What if he get better and I've already moved on? What if there's no one else out there for me? Am I always going to be alone? When will I break off mentally from him completely ? Do we have a chance in the future? AM I DOING THE RIGHT THING? so on, and so on.....
The greatest gift I gave myself was learning how to live in the moment and handling what it is now. Living in today. Today is all I have. It's the only moment have control over. who knows where your path is going to take you tomorrow, next month, next year? what you want or need now might not be what you want or need later. And you definitely have no idea where his road is leading.
He is going to do what he is going to do. And yes, it could drive you crazy especially if he seems happy after all the misery he " caused" you if you give it that kind of power.
If you focus on his road you get off your own.
He might get sober, and do well, he might get worse, and it could change daily but its not your barometer of happiness unless you let it be.
This is my biggest struggle because I had to learn my happiness is not based on others being happy and its not their job to make me happy and I thought, " Well that just sucks! what happened to we are in this together?!" Until I slowly started to find the freedom and release that comes from taking care of me.
what do you need to do today, to find your peace and happiness that has nothing to do with him right now?
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Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 60
Cece-
thank you! A lot of what you said I have heard before but it is something that I need to be reminded of everyday and maybe even several times a day. I have always been a control freak and now I am having such a hard time controling my emotions and how to respond to them. I am exhausted from barely sleeping last night so I am going to try and take a nap. I spent all morning taking my name off all the credit cards and setting up new accounts for just me. It was very stressful but a little relief came along with it.
thank you! A lot of what you said I have heard before but it is something that I need to be reminded of everyday and maybe even several times a day. I have always been a control freak and now I am having such a hard time controling my emotions and how to respond to them. I am exhausted from barely sleeping last night so I am going to try and take a nap. I spent all morning taking my name off all the credit cards and setting up new accounts for just me. It was very stressful but a little relief came along with it.
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i know exactly how your feeling..i have been there...and it is a very sad place.
But you can think of it as a new beginning for you...not an end..it is a chance to start a new, happy, and peaceful life....in a way, i am jealous...the first step is over with...he is out of the house.....and yes, it is quiet and lonely, biut it is also peaceful and serene.
I know that i will be trying to get my ah out of the house soon and i dread it....at least your past that...things will fall into place..and you will get through this--you will..
you will grieve like any normal human being, but you will move on---
hang in there, take one day at a time....read some books to help you get stron..im reading one called "The Courage to Be Yourself"..its helping me to get strong---
Take care of yourself and your babies!!!
But you can think of it as a new beginning for you...not an end..it is a chance to start a new, happy, and peaceful life....in a way, i am jealous...the first step is over with...he is out of the house.....and yes, it is quiet and lonely, biut it is also peaceful and serene.
I know that i will be trying to get my ah out of the house soon and i dread it....at least your past that...things will fall into place..and you will get through this--you will..
you will grieve like any normal human being, but you will move on---
hang in there, take one day at a time....read some books to help you get stron..im reading one called "The Courage to Be Yourself"..its helping me to get strong---
Take care of yourself and your babies!!!
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Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: southern cal
Posts: 84
Dear "This is not my life"....
You are the oyster with sand in your shell....
causing irritation...uncomfortable as hell...
a toxic environment, your mind starts to swirl
but out of the darkness, will come a beautiful pearl.
Your courage is an inspiration. Know that we all holding your hand
as you take each step forward.
God Bless.
rivka
You are the oyster with sand in your shell....
causing irritation...uncomfortable as hell...
a toxic environment, your mind starts to swirl
but out of the darkness, will come a beautiful pearl.
Your courage is an inspiration. Know that we all holding your hand
as you take each step forward.
God Bless.
rivka
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 60
that was beautiful rivka. Thank you.
Deep down I know I have a lot of good qualities and he has bought out the worst not the best in me. As soon as I stop letting his reactions turn me into someone I am not the better off I will be. I just took a nap and a shower and feel refreshed so I am takingmy kids out now!
Deep down I know I have a lot of good qualities and he has bought out the worst not the best in me. As soon as I stop letting his reactions turn me into someone I am not the better off I will be. I just took a nap and a shower and feel refreshed so I am takingmy kids out now!
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Join Date: Apr 2008
Posts: 115
(((((((((great big hug)))))))))
I so feel your pain and have thought about your situation a lot lately and have posted about you and the situation that several of us are in now under the thread "I am a mess." -here's another hug (((thisisnotmylife))).
Hang in there... if you can I can too...
and please change your locks as soon as you can...
it is sad to do that but very necessary for the coming days when the emotions will rise and others might become more unpredictable...
You are close in heart and thought...
I so feel your pain and have thought about your situation a lot lately and have posted about you and the situation that several of us are in now under the thread "I am a mess." -here's another hug (((thisisnotmylife))).
Hang in there... if you can I can too...
and please change your locks as soon as you can...
it is sad to do that but very necessary for the coming days when the emotions will rise and others might become more unpredictable...
You are close in heart and thought...
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kidsandmemake3- Thanks for the hug.
He will be watching the kids in the house while I work because he isn't working. I can't afford child care and he is living with his parents which is not a good environment for anyone. His parents home is filthy and they have know idea how to communicate with children and they say very inappropriate things in front of them. My oldest son does not like them at all. He says they ignore him. They used to beat my husband when he was a kid and have verbally abused him his entire life. They have a lot to do with why my husband has all the issues he does. Anyway my point is I could change the locks but he will be in my house anyway watching the boys. I did lock up all the bank info and credit card info. I thought I would be ok if I just took my name of all the credit cards but now I have heard any debt he racks up now is still considered debt during the marriage even though we are seperated because it is not a legal seperation yet. Does anyone know if that is true?
He will be watching the kids in the house while I work because he isn't working. I can't afford child care and he is living with his parents which is not a good environment for anyone. His parents home is filthy and they have know idea how to communicate with children and they say very inappropriate things in front of them. My oldest son does not like them at all. He says they ignore him. They used to beat my husband when he was a kid and have verbally abused him his entire life. They have a lot to do with why my husband has all the issues he does. Anyway my point is I could change the locks but he will be in my house anyway watching the boys. I did lock up all the bank info and credit card info. I thought I would be ok if I just took my name of all the credit cards but now I have heard any debt he racks up now is still considered debt during the marriage even though we are seperated because it is not a legal seperation yet. Does anyone know if that is true?
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Join Date: Apr 2008
Posts: 115
The marital seperation laws are different from state to state. It sounds like you may need to talk with an atty. as soon as you can about the marital debt but as far as I know what you said is pretty right-on as far as racking up the marital debt during seperation.
I was wondering about the child care situation. In many states, there are child care programs through the state that you can apply for. Another resource could be childcare referrals through area churches. Putting your children in harm's way with your future ex and his parents would seem to be not an option. If I were in your situation, I would discuss the situation with anyone who would listen, call area churches and explain the situation and if they cannot help you arrange childcare, maybe they know someone who can. You might try opening your brief description of the quandary you are in by saying, "I'm not sure if you're the right person to ask about this, and if you're not maybe you know someone who is, but...(you fill in the rest)."
I know it is hard. One time I ended up working at a daycare when my kids were really small so they could have safe child care and when my kids were of the age that they needed childcare after school I ended up cleaning houses in order to be there when they got off the bus (and I would take them with me when I cleaned if they were sick or during days when there was no school). These kinds options don't work for everyone, but the consequences of putting children in a situation where they will suffer verbal abuse, neglect, threats and whatever else has too high of a cost on their innocent lives. I will pray that you do not settle in any area of your life, especially in your parenthood.
You are all they have and this motherhood thing is a one time shot you can't do over, so I will really pray that you will explore all your options and be open for creative solutions. You can do it... you are smart and resourceful and people will help someone who is trying to help themselves. When it comes to your kids, don't settle for anything less that a healthy situation for them. That is the whole idea, right? To make things better for them so they don't have to go through what you have gone through? Keep working at finding a solution for their childcare and leave no stone unturned... you can do it.
I was wondering about the child care situation. In many states, there are child care programs through the state that you can apply for. Another resource could be childcare referrals through area churches. Putting your children in harm's way with your future ex and his parents would seem to be not an option. If I were in your situation, I would discuss the situation with anyone who would listen, call area churches and explain the situation and if they cannot help you arrange childcare, maybe they know someone who can. You might try opening your brief description of the quandary you are in by saying, "I'm not sure if you're the right person to ask about this, and if you're not maybe you know someone who is, but...(you fill in the rest)."
I know it is hard. One time I ended up working at a daycare when my kids were really small so they could have safe child care and when my kids were of the age that they needed childcare after school I ended up cleaning houses in order to be there when they got off the bus (and I would take them with me when I cleaned if they were sick or during days when there was no school). These kinds options don't work for everyone, but the consequences of putting children in a situation where they will suffer verbal abuse, neglect, threats and whatever else has too high of a cost on their innocent lives. I will pray that you do not settle in any area of your life, especially in your parenthood.
You are all they have and this motherhood thing is a one time shot you can't do over, so I will really pray that you will explore all your options and be open for creative solutions. You can do it... you are smart and resourceful and people will help someone who is trying to help themselves. When it comes to your kids, don't settle for anything less that a healthy situation for them. That is the whole idea, right? To make things better for them so they don't have to go through what you have gone through? Keep working at finding a solution for their childcare and leave no stone unturned... you can do it.
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