Not sure what I'm saying or doing
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: canada
Posts: 166
Not sure what I'm saying or doing
Well I'm back again - been reading up on the past posts, they have been so helpful -thank you.
My conclusion is that I have a dry drunk for a husband. I sat down with him a few days ago and told him how I was feeling and what I needed to ensure that i felt better. In a nutshell he needs to find a job that will pay for half of our living expenses by Sept 1 if he hasn't then I will find another apartment for myself so that I can feel financially secure.
I'm finding it very difficult to stop thinking about trying to help him get a job but so far I haven't said anything - but the thoughts are still there.
I also want him to start working his program again - but again that's not my place he has to do it.
There are so many areas of our relationship that need to be worked on but I haven't said anything. I've told him that I feel very scared about the direction our relationship has taken recently, that I find myself afraid to speak to him about my feelings and that I don't want to loose our relationship. He doesn't really engage in that conversation. We seem to be doing this dance, around and around with no stopping to look where we are. I guess it's just to scary for us to accept that there is something not right between us. it's like the elephant in the living room - we both know it's there but no one wants to talk about it. In the past it was booze now it's I don't even know what the name is.
We talk about anything and everything except our relationship, money, his lack of work on a program. I've never mentioned the expression dry drunk.
When I told AH that I felt another apartment would be in order he said that it would be hard to pass a credit check. I told him that could be worked on. He then went to the office (I was at work) and asked them if we were to look at a smaller apartment would they do a credit check on us? I took that as a sabatoge movement - to me you don't suggest that we couldn't pass one. There are lots of options i.e. a co-signer and also the fact that since we have been here (almost 3 years) we have never been late with our rent) and my girlfriend just did the same thing - all she had to do was show proof of her income.
So my plan/options are:
sept 1 - AH has a job so he can pay his share and we both look/move into a smaller cheaper apt
AH has no job and I look/move into a smaller apt
Since my credit history is damaged, I've spoken to my employer who will give me a good referral letter and I've also spoken to a few friends who are willing to co-sign a lease for me.
If this building won't let me lease from them, there are others - I live in a big city and will address that issue.
So what I am doing is reading up on Al-Anon, trying to find a meeting I can get too and I've joined a gym.
I'm not sure what I'm saying in this post or what I am asking for - perhaps just venting? Rambling I don't know. Half of me feels very insecure and out of control while the other half feels ok I've aknowledged this problem (the financial part) and I have a plan.
Thanks for listening - K
My conclusion is that I have a dry drunk for a husband. I sat down with him a few days ago and told him how I was feeling and what I needed to ensure that i felt better. In a nutshell he needs to find a job that will pay for half of our living expenses by Sept 1 if he hasn't then I will find another apartment for myself so that I can feel financially secure.
I'm finding it very difficult to stop thinking about trying to help him get a job but so far I haven't said anything - but the thoughts are still there.
I also want him to start working his program again - but again that's not my place he has to do it.
There are so many areas of our relationship that need to be worked on but I haven't said anything. I've told him that I feel very scared about the direction our relationship has taken recently, that I find myself afraid to speak to him about my feelings and that I don't want to loose our relationship. He doesn't really engage in that conversation. We seem to be doing this dance, around and around with no stopping to look where we are. I guess it's just to scary for us to accept that there is something not right between us. it's like the elephant in the living room - we both know it's there but no one wants to talk about it. In the past it was booze now it's I don't even know what the name is.
We talk about anything and everything except our relationship, money, his lack of work on a program. I've never mentioned the expression dry drunk.
When I told AH that I felt another apartment would be in order he said that it would be hard to pass a credit check. I told him that could be worked on. He then went to the office (I was at work) and asked them if we were to look at a smaller apartment would they do a credit check on us? I took that as a sabatoge movement - to me you don't suggest that we couldn't pass one. There are lots of options i.e. a co-signer and also the fact that since we have been here (almost 3 years) we have never been late with our rent) and my girlfriend just did the same thing - all she had to do was show proof of her income.
So my plan/options are:
sept 1 - AH has a job so he can pay his share and we both look/move into a smaller cheaper apt
AH has no job and I look/move into a smaller apt
Since my credit history is damaged, I've spoken to my employer who will give me a good referral letter and I've also spoken to a few friends who are willing to co-sign a lease for me.
If this building won't let me lease from them, there are others - I live in a big city and will address that issue.
So what I am doing is reading up on Al-Anon, trying to find a meeting I can get too and I've joined a gym.
I'm not sure what I'm saying in this post or what I am asking for - perhaps just venting? Rambling I don't know. Half of me feels very insecure and out of control while the other half feels ok I've aknowledged this problem (the financial part) and I have a plan.
Thanks for listening - K
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
(((Kingston)))
It sounds to me like you are doing a very good job at going for what you want in life!
The insecure/out of control feelings are normal. I, for one, don't like change even when I know it's what's best for me.
Good job at taking care of you!
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
It sounds to me like you are doing a very good job at going for what you want in life!
The insecure/out of control feelings are normal. I, for one, don't like change even when I know it's what's best for me.
Good job at taking care of you!
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
Living in a Pinkful Place
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 7,545
((Kingston))
Please remember the loving slogan - Progress not Perfection.
Big changes in our lives sometimes come slowly but surely. I attended my f2f meeting last nite - which was on perfection - if you have the book Courage to Change, the readings on that topic were great! all about being gentle with ourselves, keep pushing forward - you may not see immediate changes but they are happening within you.
Sometimes we take baby steps, sometimes we take leaps, sometimes we just are still enough to listen to our HP's directions - either way it just matters that we doing things differently and in a healthier manner.
May the love and peace of the program grow in you One Day at a Time,
Rita
Please remember the loving slogan - Progress not Perfection.
Big changes in our lives sometimes come slowly but surely. I attended my f2f meeting last nite - which was on perfection - if you have the book Courage to Change, the readings on that topic were great! all about being gentle with ourselves, keep pushing forward - you may not see immediate changes but they are happening within you.
Sometimes we take baby steps, sometimes we take leaps, sometimes we just are still enough to listen to our HP's directions - either way it just matters that we doing things differently and in a healthier manner.
May the love and peace of the program grow in you One Day at a Time,
Rita
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Posts: 697
I think that MANY apartment complexes will look at rental history FIRST before they look at credit history. That's been my understanding.
Also, recheck your credit if you can. I thought mine was bad, but a lot dropped off after 7 years and it's somewhat normal now. It may not be that bad, or you may find things on there that don't belong and you can try to get removed.
I had terrible credit and I was never turned down for an apartment. I've likewise known people with great credit that have poor rental history that either could not get an apartment or their deposit was jacked up way high.
Also, recheck your credit if you can. I thought mine was bad, but a lot dropped off after 7 years and it's somewhat normal now. It may not be that bad, or you may find things on there that don't belong and you can try to get removed.
I had terrible credit and I was never turned down for an apartment. I've likewise known people with great credit that have poor rental history that either could not get an apartment or their deposit was jacked up way high.
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