Not sure what to do
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Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: USA
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Not sure what to do
Hello All,
Today I recieved a call from my other daughter telling me that AD sent her a note with visit times and classes on it. My AD is in rehab about an hour away. So she called me to tell me that AD wanted me to know.
I drove for the first time yesterday since being home from Hospital and I was fine. I am just wonderning if I should try to drive up there on Sat for the visit and the class? I mean, I am not sure if she really wants me there or was telling me to be telling me you know? My other daughter works on the two visit days and can't take off now. I don't want to leave her with no one but I know she would get in touch if she wanted with me? Should I just wait, this will be her 8th day there now. And I feel so nervous about this?
Thanx bg :codiepolice
Today I recieved a call from my other daughter telling me that AD sent her a note with visit times and classes on it. My AD is in rehab about an hour away. So she called me to tell me that AD wanted me to know.
I drove for the first time yesterday since being home from Hospital and I was fine. I am just wonderning if I should try to drive up there on Sat for the visit and the class? I mean, I am not sure if she really wants me there or was telling me to be telling me you know? My other daughter works on the two visit days and can't take off now. I don't want to leave her with no one but I know she would get in touch if she wanted with me? Should I just wait, this will be her 8th day there now. And I feel so nervous about this?
Thanx bg :codiepolice
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Join Date: Jun 2008
Posts: 65
It sure is hard I know, nobody can tell you what to do. I know the first instinct of mine would be as a mom and run to be at my son’s side...but, that is what I have always done. I don't know what to tell you sweetie, as Impurrfect said you need to do what is best for YOU 
What I did was back off this last time my son is in treatment, he can't call out at all but he sure can write. And every other time I would call him every day; I would drive 2 hours every weekend to go see him. Well I did nothing this time and I waited... (I did cheat a little and talked to his counselors to see how he was doing)
It was the hardest thing I ever did, I told him before he left that I loved him dearly more than he could ever know, but I was not going to allow him to do this to our family anymore. Well, a month went by and I got a letter, it was great to have him reach out for once instead of me chasing him all the time. I will keep you and your daughter in my prayers :praying
What I did was back off this last time my son is in treatment, he can't call out at all but he sure can write. And every other time I would call him every day; I would drive 2 hours every weekend to go see him. Well I did nothing this time and I waited... (I did cheat a little and talked to his counselors to see how he was doing)
It was the hardest thing I ever did, I told him before he left that I loved him dearly more than he could ever know, but I was not going to allow him to do this to our family anymore. Well, a month went by and I got a letter, it was great to have him reach out for once instead of me chasing him all the time. I will keep you and your daughter in my prayers :praying
Leap of Faith Survivor
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 4,555
Beegee..
....my understanding of it is that your AD wanted you to know what the visit times were so that you could visit......what do you want to do?..like Amy said...what do you need to do for yourself.... take care of you...if taking care of you means going to visit AD, then by all means go, but if your body is not up to the trip, I think you need to honor that... she has a lot of support there and is responsible for her recovery... you say you are really nervous about going...you are responsible for your recovery...Beegee, do what you feel is right for you...if you are not ready to visit her yet, that is okay....her recovery is not contingent on your visiting her right now...prayers for you and your daughter...hugs, grateful
....my understanding of it is that your AD wanted you to know what the visit times were so that you could visit......what do you want to do?..like Amy said...what do you need to do for yourself.... take care of you...if taking care of you means going to visit AD, then by all means go, but if your body is not up to the trip, I think you need to honor that... she has a lot of support there and is responsible for her recovery... you say you are really nervous about going...you are responsible for your recovery...Beegee, do what you feel is right for you...if you are not ready to visit her yet, that is okay....her recovery is not contingent on your visiting her right now...prayers for you and your daughter...hugs, grateful
Last edited by grateful2b; 07-03-2008 at 06:16 AM.
Living in a Pinkful Place
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 7,545
I have had a daughter & a husband in treatment.
My daughter has been in jail two different times.
Each situation, I have learned that it is not about what is best for them.
It is ok to do what is best for ourselves. This has avoided future resentments, needs for amends, hurt feelings and unhealthy things said on MY part.
It is great for the family to support their loved ones in rehab - but if the family is at that time unable to go with out the anger, resentment, pain, and all the other emotions that go with that - sometimes it's not good for either party.
Not saying this is you - please don't think that I am.
Just search your heart, ask your HP what is best for YOU and follow that guidance and know that no matter what you & your God are going to be ok - even better than OK.
Prayers for you and your daughter,
Rita
My daughter has been in jail two different times.
Each situation, I have learned that it is not about what is best for them.
It is ok to do what is best for ourselves. This has avoided future resentments, needs for amends, hurt feelings and unhealthy things said on MY part.
It is great for the family to support their loved ones in rehab - but if the family is at that time unable to go with out the anger, resentment, pain, and all the other emotions that go with that - sometimes it's not good for either party.
Not saying this is you - please don't think that I am.
Just search your heart, ask your HP what is best for YOU and follow that guidance and know that no matter what you & your God are going to be ok - even better than OK.
Prayers for you and your daughter,
Rita
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Impurfect, Kay, Rita,
Thank you...I guess I don't know what to do. So when in doubt, do nothing. But all of you said something to hear. She isn't alone, not really, and I do need to look out for me and do what is good for me. I am not sure about driving that far and back actually.
And to be honest, today I was trying to pay bills and I am having to struggle because of the mess she left me with. S o yes I am so furious now and then I get upset because I know she didn't mean to do that. It's that dam coke I hate drugs..hate them!!
Thank you...I guess I don't know what to do. So when in doubt, do nothing. But all of you said something to hear. She isn't alone, not really, and I do need to look out for me and do what is good for me. I am not sure about driving that far and back actually.
And to be honest, today I was trying to pay bills and I am having to struggle because of the mess she left me with. S o yes I am so furious now and then I get upset because I know she didn't mean to do that. It's that dam coke I hate drugs..hate them!!
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Join Date: Jun 2007
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If you decide to not go, why not write her a letter instead? I agree with others, that she probably wanted you to know when visiting hours were so you could come. But that doesn't mean that you have to go, or that you should feel obligated. On thie other hand, is the "class" an Alanon/ Naranon meeting? I know when my sister was in rehab, friends and family who were visiting had to attend a class that was geared to help them with understanding the addiction, coping with it, etc... and was usually followed by a meeting. These were actually helpful for me, because it showed me that others in my situation had faces (not that you guys here don't, lol... but it helps somehow to see faces with the emotions).
Either way, I've learned that no matter what I do, if the addict is ready to heal, they will. If not, they won't. And sometimes just a simple "I'm thinking of you" kinda greeting card can do more than a thousand visits... depending on the situation.
No matter what you do, if it's what you want, it's the right choice
Either way, I've learned that no matter what I do, if the addict is ready to heal, they will. If not, they won't. And sometimes just a simple "I'm thinking of you" kinda greeting card can do more than a thousand visits... depending on the situation.
No matter what you do, if it's what you want, it's the right choice
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Gee as if this day hasn't been tough enough. I just went and got my mail, a bit late but I was cleaning a closet. OMG there was another grand on my card she had to pay bills. with.
Then I got a letter from her telling me all about her day and how it is scheduled. Pretty busy I have to say that and no caffiene at all. And not sure of her date to leave. Nothing else except she hoped her sister would manage to get us both up there one day.
Lady: your right about the meeting or a movie etc. I think she said you get about 45 min to see her the rest is with them. I plan on attending a meeting Monday night close by here because I do need some help with this all.
I think that I won't go up this time because I don't feel good about it as much as I would like too.
Thanks everyone.:atv
Then I got a letter from her telling me all about her day and how it is scheduled. Pretty busy I have to say that and no caffiene at all. And not sure of her date to leave. Nothing else except she hoped her sister would manage to get us both up there one day.
Lady: your right about the meeting or a movie etc. I think she said you get about 45 min to see her the rest is with them. I plan on attending a meeting Monday night close by here because I do need some help with this all.
I think that I won't go up this time because I don't feel good about it as much as I would like too.
Thanks everyone.:atv
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Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
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((BeeGee)))
I just remembered something, while reading through this post again.
When I got locked up 3 years ago, my dad and stepmom came the very first visitation, brought me underwear (necessities in jail) and some books (I LOVE books). It was very hard on both of us to have to talk through the glass.
A couple weeks later, they couldn't come because they were going out of town. I was devastated. BUT, it was a very good learning experience for me. It reminded me that the world did NOT revolve around me, and that life goes on for other people, no matter what I'm doing. It made me focus on the fact that I was right where I needed to be, and my own actions got me there, and I'd better start acting like a grown up and deal with the consequences. Of course, I didn't get all this enlightment at one time, but I think it was a huge step in me facing up to what I had done.
Being locked up didn't do it, but realizing that my family wasn't going to just drop everything to come see me? That did it. A huge dose of reality that I needed to see.
I didn't see them again until I got to the diversion center a couple weeks later. I did call and talk to them, but had limits on how often I could call.
I don't know, but it sounds like you both need a little space from each other...you, because it's what's best for YOU, and her....because she needs to learn that YOU are taking care of you! Doesn't have to be forever...maybe next week you'll want to see her.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
I just remembered something, while reading through this post again.
When I got locked up 3 years ago, my dad and stepmom came the very first visitation, brought me underwear (necessities in jail) and some books (I LOVE books). It was very hard on both of us to have to talk through the glass.
A couple weeks later, they couldn't come because they were going out of town. I was devastated. BUT, it was a very good learning experience for me. It reminded me that the world did NOT revolve around me, and that life goes on for other people, no matter what I'm doing. It made me focus on the fact that I was right where I needed to be, and my own actions got me there, and I'd better start acting like a grown up and deal with the consequences. Of course, I didn't get all this enlightment at one time, but I think it was a huge step in me facing up to what I had done.
Being locked up didn't do it, but realizing that my family wasn't going to just drop everything to come see me? That did it. A huge dose of reality that I needed to see.
I didn't see them again until I got to the diversion center a couple weeks later. I did call and talk to them, but had limits on how often I could call.
I don't know, but it sounds like you both need a little space from each other...you, because it's what's best for YOU, and her....because she needs to learn that YOU are taking care of you! Doesn't have to be forever...maybe next week you'll want to see her.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
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Amy, I really feel in my heart she knows I have been there no matter what. But she has a real attitude with me when her sister and her are chummy. Always been that way. I can deal with that I just didn't like her letter for lack of saying anything really, Send me stamps.
Not sure what I expected but it wasn't that. She may have known by now I would find out about the other grand she spent and just plays neutral. I am not sure but honestly I don't want to go up and get angry I would hate myself.
So maybe like you said which usually when I don't follow suit she is moved one way or another because she can predict no, could predict me. She will get a little reality and think twice as you did. I am hoping for that anyway and by then I will have cooled off too. You know I want to be strong not a bitch to her. I do love her, I am worried sick about her but at the same time I know her. I know some of her anyway....
Thank you again Amy, you made me feel better. We just have to wait and see. ((((HUGS)))) to you...
Not sure what I expected but it wasn't that. She may have known by now I would find out about the other grand she spent and just plays neutral. I am not sure but honestly I don't want to go up and get angry I would hate myself.
So maybe like you said which usually when I don't follow suit she is moved one way or another because she can predict no, could predict me. She will get a little reality and think twice as you did. I am hoping for that anyway and by then I will have cooled off too. You know I want to be strong not a bitch to her. I do love her, I am worried sick about her but at the same time I know her. I know some of her anyway....
Thank you again Amy, you made me feel better. We just have to wait and see. ((((HUGS)))) to you...
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((BeeGee))
When I relapsed, my dad said "right now, I hate you". I knew he didn't really, but it made me realize what I had put him through.
I think I needed to see the anger, and the hurt I had put him through. He didn't show much of it, but when I came to this forum, and saw what other parents are going through, I realized how selfish I was.
I know you want to be supportive, but I also know you have every right to be angry and not trust her. I think it's good you take time to cool off, but don't worry about messing up her recovery if you're honest with her. Statements like "I love you, but I'm going to have to learn to like you again" may work. I don't think I'd dwell on everything she's done wrong, because if she's like me, she knows EXACTLY what she did wrong. But I also don't think you should be expected to act like nothing's happened.
It took a while for my dad to trust me again. He panicked if I didn't answer my cell phone, if I was late from work (once I moved home again) and I had to accept that he has very valid reasons to panic. The first sign that I was using, was not answering my phones. Do I feel like a 46-year-old being treated like a kid sometimes? yeah. But do I realize I brought this on myself? yeah. So, now I respect what I put dad through, and I answer my phone, call if I'm going to be late. I get worried if he doesn't answer HIS phone, too, so I can understand.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
When I relapsed, my dad said "right now, I hate you". I knew he didn't really, but it made me realize what I had put him through.
I think I needed to see the anger, and the hurt I had put him through. He didn't show much of it, but when I came to this forum, and saw what other parents are going through, I realized how selfish I was.
I know you want to be supportive, but I also know you have every right to be angry and not trust her. I think it's good you take time to cool off, but don't worry about messing up her recovery if you're honest with her. Statements like "I love you, but I'm going to have to learn to like you again" may work. I don't think I'd dwell on everything she's done wrong, because if she's like me, she knows EXACTLY what she did wrong. But I also don't think you should be expected to act like nothing's happened.
It took a while for my dad to trust me again. He panicked if I didn't answer my cell phone, if I was late from work (once I moved home again) and I had to accept that he has very valid reasons to panic. The first sign that I was using, was not answering my phones. Do I feel like a 46-year-old being treated like a kid sometimes? yeah. But do I realize I brought this on myself? yeah. So, now I respect what I put dad through, and I answer my phone, call if I'm going to be late. I get worried if he doesn't answer HIS phone, too, so I can understand.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
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Amy,
Your father must be very proud of you now. I so can relate to what you said about him calling you and no answer. If it was one thing I asked of my AD it was please just answer your phone when I call. Nope it never would happen.
And knowing you know why your Dad did what he did with you makes it hope ful for the rest of us who wonder if our kids (adults) will ever see the light. I hope so Amy. You hold a very bright light for an example and I know it must be a good feeling inside for you to be clean after all this time.
And I agree, i am sure she knows what she has done to her own life let alone mine. But I think we both need to be honest about our relationship now. It isn't always easy but we can try instead of what I call "pretending". Because like you, she is a very smart cookie and we both know what isn't said I think.
I hope of some of what they do at rehab is about being honest with yourself. They tell me that they try to find out what is behind the drug use I would like to know that also even if it is me or my divorce so long ago. Well we shall see.
Smiling at you calling your Dad and he doesn't answer.....A turn around huh....
Thanks for all this...(((KUDOS TO YOU AND YOUR DAD))
beegee
Your father must be very proud of you now. I so can relate to what you said about him calling you and no answer. If it was one thing I asked of my AD it was please just answer your phone when I call. Nope it never would happen.
And knowing you know why your Dad did what he did with you makes it hope ful for the rest of us who wonder if our kids (adults) will ever see the light. I hope so Amy. You hold a very bright light for an example and I know it must be a good feeling inside for you to be clean after all this time.
And I agree, i am sure she knows what she has done to her own life let alone mine. But I think we both need to be honest about our relationship now. It isn't always easy but we can try instead of what I call "pretending". Because like you, she is a very smart cookie and we both know what isn't said I think.
I hope of some of what they do at rehab is about being honest with yourself. They tell me that they try to find out what is behind the drug use I would like to know that also even if it is me or my divorce so long ago. Well we shall see.
Smiling at you calling your Dad and he doesn't answer.....A turn around huh....
Thanks for all this...(((KUDOS TO YOU AND YOUR DAD))
beegee
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(((Beegee)))
Honesty is a HUGE part of recovery, so I am sure they will cover it in rehab. As far as what led to the addiction, I'm not sure we ever really understand it.
I think being a codie led me to addiction, but don't have a clue where I learned to be a codie, as neither parent was. I can now see that I have always wanted "something" to numb my bad feelings, and most of those bad feelings had to do with someone else. I never felt "good enough", despite being raised otherwise. I do know that since I've been in codie recovery, the addiction recovery has gotten much easier.
If it comes down to your divorce or anything like that, that they think led to her using....remember the 3 c's. Kids don't come with an owner's manual, and whatever you did or didn't do in her childhood, you were doing the best you could, with what you knew.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
Honesty is a HUGE part of recovery, so I am sure they will cover it in rehab. As far as what led to the addiction, I'm not sure we ever really understand it.
I think being a codie led me to addiction, but don't have a clue where I learned to be a codie, as neither parent was. I can now see that I have always wanted "something" to numb my bad feelings, and most of those bad feelings had to do with someone else. I never felt "good enough", despite being raised otherwise. I do know that since I've been in codie recovery, the addiction recovery has gotten much easier.
If it comes down to your divorce or anything like that, that they think led to her using....remember the 3 c's. Kids don't come with an owner's manual, and whatever you did or didn't do in her childhood, you were doing the best you could, with what you knew.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
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How about sending a greeting card? Believe it or not, they make greeting cards for people newly in recovery or in treatment. They say things like "what I want most for you is that you are healthy, happy, and safe" . Then just sign it, "love, mom" or something simple and leave it at that.
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Sleepygoat
that is a good idea too. I will look for some when I go out next. I just know she likes to get mail and in a few days I will write again without all the anger I had the other day. Thank you.
that is a good idea too. I will look for some when I go out next. I just know she likes to get mail and in a few days I will write again without all the anger I had the other day. Thank you.
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Amy,
I am happy to hear that honesty is a big part of recovery. Aslo it is interesting that you were a codie first.
I am not sure if it has anything to do with my divorce, I heard that on a Phil show from a user once and he was like 32, so it stayed with me.
Well today she is able to call for 10 min if she wants so I hope she calls. And tomorrow I will go to my first meeting which I am looking forward to if it isn't pouring here!!
Prayers and strength continued for you.
I am happy to hear that honesty is a big part of recovery. Aslo it is interesting that you were a codie first.
I am not sure if it has anything to do with my divorce, I heard that on a Phil show from a user once and he was like 32, so it stayed with me.
Well today she is able to call for 10 min if she wants so I hope she calls. And tomorrow I will go to my first meeting which I am looking forward to if it isn't pouring here!!
Prayers and strength continued for you.
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My daughter has told me that it has nothing to do with what happened to her when she was younger. She said that she has a disease and that what happened was meant to happen and would have happened no matter what. Addicts will try to guilt us so that they don't have to take responsibility for what they are doing. So don't guilt yourself over something which you can't change now. Upwards of 95% of kids experiment with drugs or alcohol and having the addict gene is what leads to addiction. Pain from childhood may be a precipitating factor in trying the drug but we all have pain and we don't all become addicts. I grew up in an alcoholic home and yet neither myself nor my siblings had a problem with alcohol or drugs. All families are dysfunctional to some degree because we are all humans and we made mistakes. Part of dealing with addiction is letting go of the past. Learn from it, remember it, forgive yourself for it and then let it go. Hugs, Marle
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