Is there anyone out there like me?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: southern cal
Posts: 84
Is there anyone out there like me?
Hello.
I feel a bit embarrassed to be asking for help for what might be considered trivial to those with much more dire situations, like those whose AH has left the family, or a family member who is involved in self destructive behavior.
However, this is big to me, as I have not found appropriate resouces for the emotional support or reassurance.
I am aware of my obsessive, self destructive Codie behavior, and have identified the patterns and am desperately trying to create boundaries and stop myself from this tail spin...however, as I type this, my eyes are filling with tears and I am so frustrated that this guy and his situation has such a death grip on my head and my heart, that I'm having trouble functioning at work, and am swirling in my own insecurity.
A brief background:
My work friend "J" is 35 and an alcoholic/addict. I am a few years older and not an alc/addict, but have unfortunately lived through the horrendous ups/downs of having an ABF and watched 2 very close friends destroy themselves, getting help too late, so I'm no stranger to the behaviors.
He and I have grown very close, talking almost daily about intimate family issues, and were like best friends at work and sometimes on the weekends we'd chat for an hour on the phone..but didn't date....though we have amazing chemistry and flirt alot...yes, there is attraction there.
I "rescued" J from his home one evening when he called and said he had been clean for 3 weeks but just took 2 handfuls of percoset and needed to detox...but didn't want to go for formal help...(I now see what I did as ENABLING a bit).
He knew I wouldn't judge and would help him, so I took him to a local hotel for 2 1/2 days to detox and let him sleep/rest it off and we hung out on the balcony and by the pool to relax. (I didn't want him to come to my home for this).
Well, in hindsight, I saw that I was emotionally vulnerable and needed comfort, and he was too...so the fact that we messed around a bit before going to sleep one night didn't help the situation.
When returning to work, on that Monday, it was back to business, and he SWORE (uh, yea, don't laugh and shake your head...I believed it THEN) that would be the last time and he would get help.
He told me that he didn't want to ruin our friendship, and apologized if I thought he wanted more, but used the excuse that he was so "out of it" that he didn't know what was going on". We agreed that this would fade and we could stay good friends.
We continued to chat about personal stuff alot....and it seemed back to normal.
Fast forward to 2 weeks ago-
He left work at noon one day and didn't come back after lunch.
My "where r u?" text did not receive a response.
He called that night, asking how to get into the office without his key, as he needed to "retrieve something from his desk"...I asked what was going on and he said he'd call back.
He didn't
He skipped work the following day and went to Las Vegas one day early on a planned trip to be in his friend's wedding (that IS true...I know the guy). He texted me from the trip on Friday talking about how fun it was, but then nothing.
He was due to be back on Monday morning but when I texted "hey bud, where r u?" His response was about a delayed flight.
He then texted me about needing $100 to get his car out of the airport parking because he lost his ATM card. Almost fell for it but NO I DIDN"T LOAN HIM CASH....I KNOW NOT TO DO THAT MUCH. I said I was away from the office at a meeting and couldn't get up there in time.
He texted that he got home, about an hour later...(hmmm wonder how?)
He came to work that Tuesday and looked awful...I asked again if he was OK and if there was anything I could do. For the next few days we chatted, but he was distant and talked about just being stressed and somewhat tired..."
Here's my issue-
He has been confiding in a mutual friend here at work that has 8 years clean/sober and is immersed in The Program. She is a great gal and I'm glad he has her to talk to.
He's been distancing himself from me the last couple of weeks, and not hanging out as much and I KNOW he is detoxing from something.
Turns out (I got this from our sober friend) that he was considering inpatient rehab and finally went on Friday.
He has been texting/calling this girl as he was scared and needed someone to talk to.
He called her and asked her to come visit him during visiting hours, and is keeping in touch with her.
He hasn't called or texted me.
He hasn't responded to my calls or texts.
He hasn't indicated that he wants me to see him.
I don't "officially" even know he's in rehab...no one does but this girl (thru him) and I guess our HR Director who got the notification that he would be out for the next 10 days.
I desperately want to drop off a card at his mom's house and ask her to give it to him...or call him...or get in touch with him, but I know his recovery is about HIM...not about me.
I'm so tied in knots about being "rejected" though my head can put it somewhat in perspective and think that he is "in his disease" and focusing on what he needs...whether it be support or money...it's all about him.
YES, I read that sticky about "what addicts do" which is perfect, but somehow I see if he can be vulnerable with her, he can call me too...and why not want to see me also? Why won't he open up to me after all we have been through?
Embarrassment?
Too personal from past involvement?
I don't have rehab reference history like she does?
I havent done anything "stupid" yet...and am trying not to be a stalker. I know his primary need is to focus on getting well...and am trying to "detach with love"....
Any suggestions (or hardcore tough love) are welcome.
Thanks, and God Bless.
rivka
I feel a bit embarrassed to be asking for help for what might be considered trivial to those with much more dire situations, like those whose AH has left the family, or a family member who is involved in self destructive behavior.
However, this is big to me, as I have not found appropriate resouces for the emotional support or reassurance.
I am aware of my obsessive, self destructive Codie behavior, and have identified the patterns and am desperately trying to create boundaries and stop myself from this tail spin...however, as I type this, my eyes are filling with tears and I am so frustrated that this guy and his situation has such a death grip on my head and my heart, that I'm having trouble functioning at work, and am swirling in my own insecurity.
A brief background:
My work friend "J" is 35 and an alcoholic/addict. I am a few years older and not an alc/addict, but have unfortunately lived through the horrendous ups/downs of having an ABF and watched 2 very close friends destroy themselves, getting help too late, so I'm no stranger to the behaviors.
He and I have grown very close, talking almost daily about intimate family issues, and were like best friends at work and sometimes on the weekends we'd chat for an hour on the phone..but didn't date....though we have amazing chemistry and flirt alot...yes, there is attraction there.
I "rescued" J from his home one evening when he called and said he had been clean for 3 weeks but just took 2 handfuls of percoset and needed to detox...but didn't want to go for formal help...(I now see what I did as ENABLING a bit).
He knew I wouldn't judge and would help him, so I took him to a local hotel for 2 1/2 days to detox and let him sleep/rest it off and we hung out on the balcony and by the pool to relax. (I didn't want him to come to my home for this).
Well, in hindsight, I saw that I was emotionally vulnerable and needed comfort, and he was too...so the fact that we messed around a bit before going to sleep one night didn't help the situation.
When returning to work, on that Monday, it was back to business, and he SWORE (uh, yea, don't laugh and shake your head...I believed it THEN) that would be the last time and he would get help.
He told me that he didn't want to ruin our friendship, and apologized if I thought he wanted more, but used the excuse that he was so "out of it" that he didn't know what was going on". We agreed that this would fade and we could stay good friends.
We continued to chat about personal stuff alot....and it seemed back to normal.
Fast forward to 2 weeks ago-
He left work at noon one day and didn't come back after lunch.
My "where r u?" text did not receive a response.
He called that night, asking how to get into the office without his key, as he needed to "retrieve something from his desk"...I asked what was going on and he said he'd call back.
He didn't
He skipped work the following day and went to Las Vegas one day early on a planned trip to be in his friend's wedding (that IS true...I know the guy). He texted me from the trip on Friday talking about how fun it was, but then nothing.
He was due to be back on Monday morning but when I texted "hey bud, where r u?" His response was about a delayed flight.
He then texted me about needing $100 to get his car out of the airport parking because he lost his ATM card. Almost fell for it but NO I DIDN"T LOAN HIM CASH....I KNOW NOT TO DO THAT MUCH. I said I was away from the office at a meeting and couldn't get up there in time.
He texted that he got home, about an hour later...(hmmm wonder how?)
He came to work that Tuesday and looked awful...I asked again if he was OK and if there was anything I could do. For the next few days we chatted, but he was distant and talked about just being stressed and somewhat tired..."
Here's my issue-
He has been confiding in a mutual friend here at work that has 8 years clean/sober and is immersed in The Program. She is a great gal and I'm glad he has her to talk to.
He's been distancing himself from me the last couple of weeks, and not hanging out as much and I KNOW he is detoxing from something.
Turns out (I got this from our sober friend) that he was considering inpatient rehab and finally went on Friday.
He has been texting/calling this girl as he was scared and needed someone to talk to.
He called her and asked her to come visit him during visiting hours, and is keeping in touch with her.
He hasn't called or texted me.
He hasn't responded to my calls or texts.
He hasn't indicated that he wants me to see him.
I don't "officially" even know he's in rehab...no one does but this girl (thru him) and I guess our HR Director who got the notification that he would be out for the next 10 days.
I desperately want to drop off a card at his mom's house and ask her to give it to him...or call him...or get in touch with him, but I know his recovery is about HIM...not about me.
I'm so tied in knots about being "rejected" though my head can put it somewhat in perspective and think that he is "in his disease" and focusing on what he needs...whether it be support or money...it's all about him.
YES, I read that sticky about "what addicts do" which is perfect, but somehow I see if he can be vulnerable with her, he can call me too...and why not want to see me also? Why won't he open up to me after all we have been through?
Embarrassment?
Too personal from past involvement?
I don't have rehab reference history like she does?
I havent done anything "stupid" yet...and am trying not to be a stalker. I know his primary need is to focus on getting well...and am trying to "detach with love"....
Any suggestions (or hardcore tough love) are welcome.
Thanks, and God Bless.
rivka
Member
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: NJ
Posts: 26
Hi Rivka,
I think you're trying to be there for your friend....but like you have already guessed....you're friend needs to work on getting better. I'm sorry this hurts you. I honestly don't think it's personal.
Get busy doing stuff for you. Sometimes we need to give to ourselves.
Hugs,
dd
I think you're trying to be there for your friend....but like you have already guessed....you're friend needs to work on getting better. I'm sorry this hurts you. I honestly don't think it's personal.
Get busy doing stuff for you. Sometimes we need to give to ourselves.
Hugs,
dd
Administrator
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: a better place
Posts: 4,047
Hi there, welcome. I think as you read around you will see that although there may not be stories exaclty like yours, we...folks with codependent personalities, share common traits. I didn't really understand until I started exploring me, that I had such a need to be needed. But as I started attending Naranon, coming here, reading books like Codependent No More, I realizedthat I needed to explore why...not just in relationships with addicted loved ones, but in many relationships. My recovery has helped me to find healthier relationships...to let go of toxic ones...To feel better about me so I didn't have to need to be needed in order to feel good about myself.
The first step in change is just as drugdown said...get busy focusing on you. That's something us helpers forget to do. Hugs
The first step in change is just as drugdown said...get busy focusing on you. That's something us helpers forget to do. Hugs
God's Kid
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: New Zealand
Posts: 1,820
You sound like a great lady
And it sounds like this guy wouldn't know how to be honest if it bit him on the a**. As mentioned the post above mentions those of us with codie tendencies love to be needed and only feel alive when we are.
While you are focusing all that good energy on him, you are missing out on treating yourself well. Try not to worry about him and do something nice for yourself. Maybe he will get better and maybe he won't, but you can learned to love yourself regardless and then you won't be attracted to fellows like this.
While you are focusing all that good energy on him, you are missing out on treating yourself well. Try not to worry about him and do something nice for yourself. Maybe he will get better and maybe he won't, but you can learned to love yourself regardless and then you won't be attracted to fellows like this.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: punta gorda florida
Posts: 381
sounds like you really care about him as a friend and maybe even more... was he honest with you?...probably as honest as he could be. Right now, it sounds like he is taking care of himself...Dont bring a card, don't call, don't do anything...if he values your friendship he will get in touch when he is ready...do you really want this kind of chaos in your life?... let him do what he has to do for himself and stay out of the mix...YOU take care of you, live your life, let him go for now...let the universe work things out for you instead of you trying to work the universe... you may be surprised...give it a shot...
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
Welcome to SR!
I found that my codie behaviors made me seek out people I thought needed help. I didn't see it at the time, but now that I look back, these were always the type of people I was with...whether it be romantic or just friendship.
I've had to do some serious work on finding healthier people to be around. Now, when I find myself obsessing over someone and what is going on with them, I see it as a red flag.
I'm not saying that is what is happening with you, but I see a lot of me in your post. I finally had to ask myself a few questions...are they asking for my help? (he isn't). Is there really anything I can do to change their situation, other than lend moral support WHEN THEY ASK? (usually not). Is there something going on in MY life that I need to work on, but am avoiding by focusing on others? (this is a hard one, because I usually have to do a lot of soul-searching to find out what I'm avoiding) and...am I seeking a relationship with someone who is not capable of a relationship right now? While he is seeking recovery, that has to be his main focus.
I hope you keep reading and posting. I'm a recovering addict, but came to this forum because I'm such a codie. The wonderful people here have helped me deal with all types of relationships......friends/coworkers/family, etc.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
I found that my codie behaviors made me seek out people I thought needed help. I didn't see it at the time, but now that I look back, these were always the type of people I was with...whether it be romantic or just friendship.
I've had to do some serious work on finding healthier people to be around. Now, when I find myself obsessing over someone and what is going on with them, I see it as a red flag.
I'm not saying that is what is happening with you, but I see a lot of me in your post. I finally had to ask myself a few questions...are they asking for my help? (he isn't). Is there really anything I can do to change their situation, other than lend moral support WHEN THEY ASK? (usually not). Is there something going on in MY life that I need to work on, but am avoiding by focusing on others? (this is a hard one, because I usually have to do a lot of soul-searching to find out what I'm avoiding) and...am I seeking a relationship with someone who is not capable of a relationship right now? While he is seeking recovery, that has to be his main focus.
I hope you keep reading and posting. I'm a recovering addict, but came to this forum because I'm such a codie. The wonderful people here have helped me deal with all types of relationships......friends/coworkers/family, etc.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
rozied
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: PA, USA
Posts: 1,292
Patchoulli gave you very good advice. It sounds to me that he may be attracted to you & he knows he is no way ready for a relationship & with you the possibility exists. Seems to me that he looks to this other woman as only a friend & he knows it will not go anywhere else.
Focus on yourself & your own life.
Focus on yourself & your own life.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: southern cal
Posts: 84
drugdown, greeteachday, lizw, patchoulli,impurrfect, rozied,
Thank you.
Amazing what a few supportive words can do for my self esteem.
After double and triple reading your posts, last evening, I feel better today enough to focus on work, and I'm not crying with my head spinning....so it's definitely an improvement. Hearing from you and knowing that you represent a more healthy outlook, where I will eventually be, is a blessing.
Though it's a hard road for all of us (our own burdens are often much heavier than they appear to others) I'm feeling confident that being on this SR forum will help me immensely.
Thanks again to all.
rivka
Thank you.
Amazing what a few supportive words can do for my self esteem.
After double and triple reading your posts, last evening, I feel better today enough to focus on work, and I'm not crying with my head spinning....so it's definitely an improvement. Hearing from you and knowing that you represent a more healthy outlook, where I will eventually be, is a blessing.
Though it's a hard road for all of us (our own burdens are often much heavier than they appear to others) I'm feeling confident that being on this SR forum will help me immensely.
Thanks again to all.
rivka
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: punta gorda florida
Posts: 381
Peace Rivka...this detachment takes a lot of work...one day at a time, sometimes one minute at a time...I used to obsess in bed instead of sleep...try to say in your mind'LET IT GO, LET IT GO...if an obsession niggles in...repeat...it works...lots of understanding here...we have all been there...Marian
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
(((Rivka)))
I'm glad you're feeling better. I know that I will do really good on some days, then back to square one the next. Only thing is, it's not square one because I've learned a little more and I know to reach out.
It really is a roller-coaster of emotions, but as long as we KNOW that and that the stress/worry/etc. won't last forever, we get through it and get a little stronger.
I just want you to know that if the "bad" feelings come back, it's normal and it get easier to get back on track each time.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
I'm glad you're feeling better. I know that I will do really good on some days, then back to square one the next. Only thing is, it's not square one because I've learned a little more and I know to reach out.
It really is a roller-coaster of emotions, but as long as we KNOW that and that the stress/worry/etc. won't last forever, we get through it and get a little stronger.
I just want you to know that if the "bad" feelings come back, it's normal and it get easier to get back on track each time.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: southern cal
Posts: 84
Am I just a codie or a wanna-be stalker?????
I can't stop thinking about my guy in rehab...wondering if he is thinking of me.... Isn't that ridiculous?
I should be (if at all) hoping he gets great care...and is attaching to the program, and losing some of the fear he had upon entering, but no, I'm internally frustrated (OK, pissed off) that he isn't calling me.
I think what set it off is our mutual recovering friend telling me about how he contacted her for support. She isn't rubbing it in my face, she is sharing...and I "get that" and don't want to be jealous or blame her, so I come back to my desk and get a snarl on my face, all tweaked about how he must not care about me because he isn't contacting me after a week in the program.
In my head..I KNOW...he needs to focus on recovery. I was OK there for a few days..then today it hit me like a blast of hot air......but I'm surprised this insecurity just crept in after how confident and secure I've been.
And it's WEIRD...I was sitting at my desk, and had a huge presentation to work on, but found myself daydreaming about him (we're not even really dating!) welcoming me with a hug and kiss if I were to "surprise him" and come visit rehab...but since he doesn't even KNOW that I KNOW where he is...that would be an invasion of his privacy if I tried to go see him...and what if they didn't let me in? Then I'd be the "some weird chick outside that's stalking that patient"....
like THAT would help my relationship with him and increase the trust factor? uh no.
Funny thing is, you guys, that my head GETS IT....I roll my eyes at MYSELF for even havign these thoughts. WHY the hell do I let it play out like a skit in my head until Im sad and longing for him?
I know self-deprecation can be endearing, but it's just sad and pathetic that I keep seeing the same pitiful behavior in myself and have to continue to kick my own ass.
AAARRRRGGGHHHH!
rivka
I can't stop thinking about my guy in rehab...wondering if he is thinking of me.... Isn't that ridiculous?
I should be (if at all) hoping he gets great care...and is attaching to the program, and losing some of the fear he had upon entering, but no, I'm internally frustrated (OK, pissed off) that he isn't calling me.
I think what set it off is our mutual recovering friend telling me about how he contacted her for support. She isn't rubbing it in my face, she is sharing...and I "get that" and don't want to be jealous or blame her, so I come back to my desk and get a snarl on my face, all tweaked about how he must not care about me because he isn't contacting me after a week in the program.
In my head..I KNOW...he needs to focus on recovery. I was OK there for a few days..then today it hit me like a blast of hot air......but I'm surprised this insecurity just crept in after how confident and secure I've been.
And it's WEIRD...I was sitting at my desk, and had a huge presentation to work on, but found myself daydreaming about him (we're not even really dating!) welcoming me with a hug and kiss if I were to "surprise him" and come visit rehab...but since he doesn't even KNOW that I KNOW where he is...that would be an invasion of his privacy if I tried to go see him...and what if they didn't let me in? Then I'd be the "some weird chick outside that's stalking that patient"....
like THAT would help my relationship with him and increase the trust factor? uh no.
Funny thing is, you guys, that my head GETS IT....I roll my eyes at MYSELF for even havign these thoughts. WHY the hell do I let it play out like a skit in my head until Im sad and longing for him?
I know self-deprecation can be endearing, but it's just sad and pathetic that I keep seeing the same pitiful behavior in myself and have to continue to kick my own ass.
AAARRRRGGGHHHH!
rivka
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
(((Rivka)))
I don't know, you remind me of me in a lot of ways. I would get totally "into" a guy that wasn't into me. I think I looked for emotionally unavailable guys, which would explain why my 3 major relationships have been with an alcoholic and 2 crack addicts!
I'm trying to focus on me, and figure out WHY I'm always dreaming of the perfect life with a guy who isn't sharing the same dream. I now understand that I don't feel like I deserve any better, but am trying to move past that.
I'm probably not making much sense, I'm tired, but I do know how you feel.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
I don't know, you remind me of me in a lot of ways. I would get totally "into" a guy that wasn't into me. I think I looked for emotionally unavailable guys, which would explain why my 3 major relationships have been with an alcoholic and 2 crack addicts!
I'm trying to focus on me, and figure out WHY I'm always dreaming of the perfect life with a guy who isn't sharing the same dream. I now understand that I don't feel like I deserve any better, but am trying to move past that.
I'm probably not making much sense, I'm tired, but I do know how you feel.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 1,322
Rivka,
You crack me up! I think what you are doing (typing it all out here) is the perfect outlet for all that "crazy-making" going on in your head. Very healthy stuff. It's hard to get the rational to take over the dreamy, but putting it out here might just get it out of your head so that you can get on to what really works for codies -- focusing on YOU. That's a real challenge for a codependent. But it can also be fun and enjoyable. Just purge him out of your system for a while, and the fury and fantasies will wane. Each day will get easier when you teach yourself to stop focusing on him and get back to Rivka.
You crack me up! I think what you are doing (typing it all out here) is the perfect outlet for all that "crazy-making" going on in your head. Very healthy stuff. It's hard to get the rational to take over the dreamy, but putting it out here might just get it out of your head so that you can get on to what really works for codies -- focusing on YOU. That's a real challenge for a codependent. But it can also be fun and enjoyable. Just purge him out of your system for a while, and the fury and fantasies will wane. Each day will get easier when you teach yourself to stop focusing on him and get back to Rivka.
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