SadlyLost

Hi...I am new here. I have been lurking but had hoped to not have some sad story to post. My boyfriend of over 2 years (well unofficially 8 years) was/is an addict. His doc is crack but he has admitted that anything that alters his mood he will take. Middle of May, we (my family and I) discovered the extent of his addiction.

He was stealing from my family and me...hell even went as far as to return the new clothes i had saved money for to buy for our 10 month old daughter. He left one day and was gone for a week. I was a mess. I was so depressed, so antsy and just could not stop crying. Then he called and asked my sister and I to please drive him to a rehab, he wanted help. He started living at a sober living home, going to intensive outpatient rehab and lots of NA, CA and AA meetings. He was doing so well...opening up about everything. I felt like I had the man I fell in love with was back.

Yesterday was his 32 days sober. He was going to come over and spend time with me and the baby like we usually did on weekends. He called me twice, the last call was around 6pm saying he was heading to the house from a meeting, he was gonna shower, talk to the owner and then come over.

He never showed. I called his house at 11pm, then midnight then they told me to call at 1am which is curfew to check if he made it home. He never did. He didn't show up today either and he has not called me since that call yesterday.

I don't know what to do. He was doing so well. Everyone even said he was so devoted to the program and how much he loved me and our baby. I am so stressed and sad. Our baby girl is the happiest, smartest, sweetest little girl ever and I don't know why or how he could just disappear on her like that. Especially after all the work he was doing to get better.

I just don't know what to do. I love him. Thanks for listening.

splendra

((((SL)))))

Welcome to SR. I think it is normal for us to think we ought to be able to do something about their drug use. It does not compute when someone tells us there is nothing we can do about it. It is up to them to do something.

It takes a lot of energy to worry about what an addict is doing energy that could be well spent on something else like taking care of yourself and you sweet little girl.

Worry doesn't help you or him. Crack is a very difficult drug to get over if it is the drug of choice. In NA hopefully he met his Higher Power cause this is who can do something and is in control. You can turn him over to his HP and trust that you are doing the very best thing for him and you.

Impurrfect

((SL))

Welcome, but sorry for the circumstances.

I am a recovering crack addict, and the surest sign that I was using was when no one could get hold of me....I might as well have dropped off the face of the earth.

Splendra is right...all the worry isn't going to do any good, although I know it's difficult NOT to. There is nothing you, or anyone else, can do or say to make him quit....it has to come from him.

The only way I quit was my family let me hit bottom. By that I mean, no money, no place to stay, no bail when I was locked up, etc. That was what made me realize that it just wasn't worth it anymore.

Please stick around...there are tons of supportive people here, and you are definitely not alone.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

splendra

bump for more support

beegee

((SL) There are so many people here that will help you and support you. You have found a wonderful place. I have an adult AD who is in rehab right now and reading your story I remember how she vanished in the night for days. I will keep you in my prayers and wih the best for you. Please keep posting your feelings, you are not alone.:ghug2

lightseeker

Awwww - I hate this for both of you. It's so hard when you have such great hopes and then a relapse occurs. Unfortunately, it's not uncommon for that to happen. Brain healing takes quite a while and even momentary triggers can set the wheels in action for using again. Hopefully, he had enough exposure to recovery that he will return back to it and figure out what he needs to do differently the next time.

Try and focus on you and the baby. I know how hard that is to do but it will help. Are you going to any meetings? That really helped me so much in the early days of my husband's recovery. I made friends that definitely knew what I was going through. It helped me to have their experience, strength, and hope. I know that by working the program that I wished that RAH worked I've grown and become stronger.

Please don't think that crack matters more to him than you and your precious baby. When my RAH was using crack I could never understand how his kids didn't matter to him. They always did but the crack hijacked him and made him a different person. There is hope and at least he's had some recovery. It took my RAH quite a while to get there but he did. There are a number of recovering crack addicts that post here and that always brings me so much hope.

Your HP is holding you tight - keep us posted on how you are doing.

Lots of love - Donna

SadlyLost

Thanks everyone. I am not doing too well. If I am out of the house I am ok, but sitting here alone with my baby...I get so sad.

She just figured out how to crawl and I started crying cause he should be here. He wanted to be here for all her firsts and he has missed so much. I want to let go so bad, but I don't know how.

He is the love of my life...as crappy as he can be i just love him.

I have not gone to meetings cause its really hard for me to get a babysitter after work. I am worried sick and i miss him so much. any support is appreciated.

peaceteach

Keep reading, Sadly. There are many stories here. Find the ones that "speak" to you and try to find a lesson that will help you to learn how to detach from him and get your focus on you. It's a hard thing, to accept that this is your life and it isn't going away. And that you do not have any control over his actions. Just yours. This is a great place to vent your anger, sadness, and frustration, and to receive loving support from others who understand and have lived your experiences. It's also a great place to figure out a better way to live, one that isn't filled with days upon days of crying and sadness. What you find out is that there are things you can do to help yourself, but little you can do to help him until he is truly ready. And then it will be a daily, lifetime job for him to keep that focus. When you realize that all the energy you are putting into worrying about him is not helping, it will free up that energy to be put where it can make a difference--on you and your baby. Hugs and prayers tonight, Sadly. And congratulations on your little one's milestone! What a fun time it is, watching your baby just grow and blossom. She is lucky to have you, and YOU can say you saw all her first moves years from now. Be proud of that

Abundance

((((((hugs))))))))... keep coming here.... spend some time.... you are not alone..... I've been and am thinking of you and your baby.

Keep busy... make your life your own....... I wish I could wave a magic wand and make it all okay. I wish ..... oh i wish so much.

Congratulations to your baby girl crawling....... WATCH OUT..... you're in for it now! hahaha! She is mobile! I think she is going to keep you ever so busy.. which is actually a good thing! *wink!

You can do this.. let go... and let God.... you just saying that means you can!

Keep coming back... write it out... let it out..... release ... there is so much support here.

BIG love ~ xoxo

ladyamalthea

You have definitely found a great place! I'm sorry that your boyfriend is so sick... even the most devoted of addicts will still relapse. That's why, even if they have been sober for years, they still think of themselves as addicts. It really is one day at a time, and not every day is a good one.

I can only imagine how much it must hurt you to think that your daughter is missing her father. However, she is so lucky to have you in her life. At least one of her parents is devoted to her. In this day and age, sometimes even that doesn't happen for some kids.

If you can't get to a face to face meeting, why not try online? There are several sites that offer online Naranon and Alanon meetings. If you google them, I bet you'll have pretty good results.

I'll be thinking about you and that wonderful daughter of yours. She sounds amazing Like others have said, please keep reading in here, and do come back anytime you need us. We thrive on keeping each other strong and supported, and the more is always the merrier.

hello-kitty

Hi Sadly. I am glad you found this site. You are definitely not alone. My sons father's addiction has gotten progressively worse since our child was born - nearly 3 years ago now. Now he is in and out of prison and has been since his baby was 5 mos old. I know it is hard! I had to step up and focus on my child. His dad is a capable adult that will have to find his on way. My little boy needs all my attention.

If I spend too much time thinking about my babies dady I get depressed over it. So I focus on my joy - my child - and I focus on doing whatever it takes to make sure he has the best life possible. I can't change his father and what his father does. But I can step up and minimize the impact that it has on his life. Yes it's sad that your little girls daddy wasn't there to watch her crawl the first time, but until your bf decides to get serious about his recovery, you are going to have to get used to it. I know it sounds harsh but it's true. You have a little precious baby. Don't let her fathers drug addiction take away both her father AND her mother too. Keep the focus on the baby and yourself.

Unfortunately all the tears in the world won't stop a crack addict from acting like a crack addict.

So hang in there. But know that there is a beautiful life ahead for you and your child. Your bf can't take that away from you... unless you let him.

Keep reading and posting. You'll find lots of love and support here. You CAN do this! Personally, I decided that no father is better than having an active drug using, lying, cheating, stealing father in my sons life.

SailorKaren

I came across a post this morning talking about relapsing. Here it is over in the Alcoholism forum: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ml#post1815858 I liked the comment about the addict being "not full" yet. I mentioned this to a fellow at work who is trying to quit smoking, and he agreed, saying that he is asking himself, "Isn't 30 years of this habit enough yet? Don't I think I've had enough of these?" He also said that having his addiction is like have a flower that blooms in your mind, and when you abstain, it is like the petals start to shrivel and cry out in pain. Wow! What a metaphor! Your ABF is not full yet. He has an entire greenhouse of flowers blooming in his mind. Crack is so powerful because the lungs have a tremendous surface area that exposes the bloodstream to the gasses we breathe. It allows the cocaine in the crack smoke to pass almost instantly into the bloodstream in one large shot, where it's next stop in the circulatory path is the brain, where it easily crosses the blood/brain barrier and overwhelms normal neural activity. A kind of insanity ensues. Until he experiences his bottom, he will be a risk to you and your child. In a relapse, he will stop at nothing to get that high and feed his flowers, and only more crack will do it. I understand the love you feel for him, and the grief you are experiencing. I loved my AGF with all my heart, but I failed to understand that my relationship was with all of her, not just the beautiful potential I saw. She was and is an addict, and although it wasn't my choice that it ended, now that I know more, I don't think I would choose a relationship with an addict, or even a newly recovering one, because the cold reality is that I would be joining myself with insanity. You and your daughter deserve to have an unconditionally loving and supportive person in your lives, and for now, the best candidate to provide that is you. You're doing a great job so far, and please keep asking us how we can help.

SadlyLost

Thank you all. I seem to be ok during the day. I work and take care of my daughter afterwards. Nights are hard and the weekends are the hardest cause that was our time together. I know in the back of my head that he will come back someday...and that I will probably have to refuse him, and what scares me is that I may not be able to. I know he has to fall and I have to let him, I am just really struggling with letting go because I love him with everything I have. Him not being where he belongs, with me and our child, makes me feel like a piece of my heart is missing.

Plus I worry...I worry so much it keeps me up at night because my worst fear is if I am not out trying to find him, what if he is lying dead somewhere. This was not supposed to be our life, you know? It just hurts so much.

peaceteach

Sadly,

Everything you said, I've felt at some time or another for my exacoholic husband. So have many on here, whose words I have read. I understand just how you feel, and thank you for the reminder of how painful that time in my life was. It's perfect codependent behavior at its best. If it helps you to think of detachment as a more loving act rather than "abandonment" of your A, remember that enabling, allowing things to continue and progressively decline, not pulling yourself out of the continuous loop/cycle of promises broken, this ENABLING is dangerous to the addict. It keeps HIM in denial that his life is unmanageable and dangerous and out-of-control. Fear is a powerful teacher, as is pain and sadness. Putting a stop to the continuous "escape" back into your rescuing arms (codependent behavior again) is a very LOVING, compassionate and self-less act FOR the addict. It is also a 100% LOVING, compassionate act for yourself as well. To me, that's a win-win solution. Just think about it.

Impurrfect

One thing that may make you a little stronger to refuse him if he's not in recovery (go by ACTIONS...not words) is thinking of what he would put your daughter through. He may come back, be the great father for a few days, then disappear again. Like Kitty said..you have to minimize his impact on her unless he is working a recovery program.

Also, most crack addicts carry around their crack pipes. They're glass and they break..you're baby is crawling and will be getting into stuff. Don't believe him if he says he won't bring anything around the house...I ALWAYS had my crack pipe with me..even had it hidden on me the last time I got arrested.

Please, focus on you and the baby. I love my XABF, too, but I had to let him go because he doesn't see anything wrong with smoking crack...except when he's in jail, then he can think a little clearer. He has 3 boys and hasn't seen the younger 2 in almost 10 years. The oldest came to stay with him a few years ago and HE ended up selling crack. After getting in trouble enough times, he went back home with his mom and is doing great. XABF has been doing this for close to 30 years.

He's not choosing crack over you and your baby. Crack literally takes your mind hostage and you can't think of anything else. It isn't until we choose recovery, and take steps to avoid crack, people who do it, etc. that we find there is life after crack.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

splendra

Hey Dahlin' we here know the pain, fear,and,worry that is on this side of addiction. It is awful.

Unfortunately many people here have actually experienced the worst that can happen to an addicted loved one. I am sure they have a very difficult time with dealing with wanting to have been able to help their loved one that passed.

There truly is hope in knowing that you can't make him stop. You see it is just not up to us it is a highly personal matter between the addict and their HP. All we can do to perhaps stop the progression by trusting what seems the hardest to do which is to keep the focus on ourselves and stop trying to control something we have no control over. Which just makes us crazy anyway.

I have four loved ones that are addicted to crack I pray, cry, fear, worry for them all the time. I like praying for them the best cause I can ask my Higher Power to take my need to control away and trust Him to do what I cannot.

hello-kitty

What impurrfect says is so true. What my ex is doing to my son is just awful. Everytime he gets a little clean time, he starts making promises to his little boy that he's better now and that he's gonig to spend time with him and then he gets high again and forgets all he has promised. It wasn't so bad when my son was 1 but now that he's three he knows what's going on. I've had to stop my son from talking to his father. I HAVE to protect my son from his dads empty promises because I don't want my son to feel unstable or like he did something to deserve to be treated like that.

My son knows that daddy loves him and he will see him when he can. And that's all. Now that he's older I tell him that "daddy is far away and trying to take care of his responsibilities". Of course his dad is either in prison or out on the street smoking crack. But I don't want my little guy to have to deal with that kind of stress. It's better that he doesn't experience the horror of his fathers drug addiction. My son will just never know his father which, in my opinion, is better than knowing his dad smokes crack and is a bad example of a human being. I don't want my son to grow up disappointed. I guess it's better that his dad has been gone since he was a baby, because he won't know what he's missing.

Sadly, I used to miss spending time as a family with my ex. It's hard. But I just had to buck up and do it. Eventually it go easier. You sound like you are an awesome mom. Don't worry about what may or may not happen in the future. Just focus on the things you need to do on a daily basis to take care of your child. Everything else will work out. We don't know how it will work out, but everything does if we just let it.

Smoking crack is like driving a truck, down hill with no brakes. Your bf will just run you and your daughter over if you don't get out of the way.

SadlyLost

Oh god, help me. He called me and asked for money cause he is hungry and thirsty. Of course I am not going to give him money but my god I am so tempted to go see him and feed him just to see him. His family told me to go give him food but walk away when he asks for money. Just to go see him with nothing on me so I make sure not to give him anything.

I am shaking. I don't know how to handle this.

greeteachday

Hey there...I'm so sorry. Do what you can do...that is the best anyone can do. If you can not completely ignore him and need to give him food, we understand. You are right to be suspicious though...most all of us have had our addict say they needed money because they were hungry, only to use the money for drugs.

Addicts are very resourceful...If he really is hungry, he will find food. I know it is very hard and scary, but at least now you have heard from him...he is alive and that is something to be grateful for. Hugs

ZombieWife

Food/water will enable him. He can find money and ways to get drugs, and not food/water? If his parents want him to eat, they can go feed him or find a way to help.

You sitting at home alone while your baby crawls for the first time, crying tears over her in the dark while you're putting her to sleep should be a keen reminder as to what he's put you through. You owe him nothing. He owes you everything.