Impurrfect

(((Sadly)))

Sweetie, I could ALWAYS find something to eat or drink when I was using....thing was, that's not what I wanted. I would choose crack over food/drink/a safe place to stay 9 out of 10 times. He's just trying to suck you back in.

I hope you didn't go see him, but if you did....it's okay. I don't think there is a one of us here that hasn't been sucked back into the drama more times than we wanted to. At some point, though, we realize we've had enough.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

hello-kitty

Sadly, I hope you didn't give him money. Crack addicts don't need money for food. They need money for drugs. If he needed food or water, he could have asked you that. But he asked for $$$. Think about it. This guys lies to you, deserts his little girl, steals from you and your family. And then has the NERVE to ask you for money. After he ripped you off? That's a scam sweetie.

No matter. Live and learn right. My personal rule was do not answer the phone when he called. He could leave a message. If it made sense, I could always call him back. It gave me peace of mind in an unstable nightmarish situation.

Keep posting!

MrsMagoo

I can sure can sympathize with you! I also have a little girl, just turning 2 next month and her daddy has been in some form of active addiction since I was pregnant. There's always the denial, the promise to get help, the "trust me to do the right thing" and eventually, like with you, they rob you blind and disappear.

I'm just learning about crack. I don't have any personal experience with it except AH has decided to start using it. So far, I can tell you, I'm scared as hell. Everything he owned of any value has gone to the pawn shops to support his habit. I'm guarding my stuff and if he starts using again, he HAS to go cause I can't risk the baby. (Amy, you and I need to talk!).

Stay here to stay strong. This is not for everybody, but I DOVE into the bible and inspirational reading like Battlefield of the Mind and it helped me alot, especially when I was angry and it helped with forgiveness. I won't forget what he's done to our family but I can forgive him as long as this is not a lifetime cycle.

Keep posting and keep us "posted" on what's going on. DON'T GIVE HIM MONEY. I gave mine money once when I kicked him out but I gave him $10. Enough for cigarrettes and food. He told me if I gave him a little more, he could get a cheap hotel room otherwise he was going to have to sleep in his truck. I did NOT give him more because I knew more was going to end up in his arm or smoked up. It was hard but it was his choice to pick up again. He knew when he started this that it was going to get hold of him again and if he didn't, he was a fool. Mine has been battling addiction all this life. He was clean for 10 years and became a substance abuse counselor. He's lost it all, his clean time, his job and his reputation. Soon, his dream of being a husband and father.

sorrycuse7

Wow..sounds like a day in my life...I totally understand what you are going through. When he's good he's great, when he's bad it's awful. Crack is also my oldman's DOC...it is the devil. That is what I call it.......I know that it is so overwhelming for everyone involved. You try so hard to make him see the good in life, your daughter, you, your home, etc...I am glad that he has attempted to make the effort to become clean...it is so hard, because even a song, or something that is said, can trigger an episode. I am in your shoes.......and I don't know what to do either...mine is too afraid to get help..he won't go.........so at this point it is either jail or death...what is sad is that I am preparing myself for the worst....I have this sick feeling that I am gonna be trying to explain a death to our now 3 month old daughter....I am here with you...and new to this site as well.....good luck god bless and remember you are not alone

SadlyLost

ugh. Well I did see him yesterday but I did not give him any money even when he flipped out. I offered him to buy him something from McDonalds and a couple Gatorades and then he went crazy. He started babbling to himself, telling me all these things he believes to have seen (ie...me having sex right in front of him with another guy, me and my sister taunting him from a car and then driving away) all during the 4 day period he was missing. Also that I was taking away his security and to please give it back. I just kept telling him "I love you so much I can't help you kill yourself."

Then he really got bad and started seeing stuff like people next to him and shadows moving around him...it was nuts. I called my mom and she called the ambulance and cops. But since we live in LA (yay overpopulation) by the time they got here he was calm and he answered all their questions lucidly and they would not do anything.

So then the cop asked me to go take him to get food/drink so he would be passed out somewhere and then let him go. So I did and we walked and he started coming down and realizing what he was doing, but then when I had to leave him he started getting weird again...stating I was leaving him for a reason, I had a guy up here. UGHHH.

He was definitely withdrawing/coming down but I stayed as strong as I could. Today he called again and again was delusional but he called later and was ok then. The cops stopped him on a call that someone placed earlier that he was loitering (aka sleeping on a sidewalk) and they checked him and all and he was actually sober today, but when I asked him if he wanted help...he kept making excuses to not go anywhere.

So I left him and again told him I loved him and when he was ready I would be here for him. And now...I am trying to cope with the fact that I may never see him again and that I may have just lost the love of my life.

Impurrfect

(((Sadly)))

He is going in a downward spiral fast. Some crack addicts get delusional and they can become violent, so please be careful (I'd personally like it if you didn't see him at all). Don't think, that if he's never had a violent bone in his body, he won't become violent.

Drugs affect the brain. With certain people they will react to what they THINK they're seeing (delusions) and have no control.

Accusing you of seeing someone else is very common, even when they AREN'T high..he is trying to put the focus off of him. He can't accept that HE is causing all these problems (denial), so it must be that you've found someone else.

I'm glad you didn't give him money. Now you know...it wasn't food/drink he wanted, it was money. It's going to get worse before it gets better.

I'm so sorry you're hurting and I do know the feeling. I KNOW what crack did to me, but it still hurt like he!! when I had to walk away from my now XABF because he wanted to keep using. It doesn't matter that I know what the devil crack does..it still hurt my heart.

You will get through this sweetie, and you will be okay. I hope you have some supportive people f2f and we are always here for you.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

MrsMagoo

Wow - I am so proud of you for walking away!! Good job. It must be extremely difficult to see that man that looks like your husband acting like a nut-job. Hopefully he will come back to you and the baby and be the man you fell in love with again. You know it has to be his choice though otherwise it won't mean anything, as they say here, he'll be dry but not in recovery.

I will pray for every chance I get so that you have some peace and hopefully, eventually some closure, one way or another on this. Stay strong, stay close to friends and family and stay the course!

:praying

ZombieWife

The person he is when he uses is not "the love of your life," it's the addict, the stealer, the liar, the manipulator. The love of your life is still in there, it's whether or not he's willing to stay for good and work hard toward sobriety.

Stay strong!

hello-kitty

Someone had a great post around here once. About how we meet these guys and they make themselves out to be princes. We kiss them and we fall madly in love with them. But the reality is they are just frogs disguised as princes. However, in our codependency we cling to the hope that if we kiss them and love them enough, we can turn them back into the prince we thought they were at one time.

We are in denial.

Moral of the story:

Accept that your bf is a frog. And move on from there.

I hope you don't think that seems harsh. I think it's a cute analogy and it helped me to get to a point of acceptance and then move on from there.

sorrycuse7

You will see him again......mine has been gone too since Sunday...he freaked out when I wouldn't give him money and got physical for the first time...I don't think he realized what he was doing??? This is the hardest test that god has put before us...he knows that he can come to you for things, and I know that it is so hard to turn away the man you love. Stay strong and keep your money girl, you need it for you and your baby. I will be the first to admit that I gave money to him to get him to shut up and calm down...but in the end it just helps them on their path to destruction. Stay strong...he will be back.....mine actually called me yesterday, for the first time since Sunday...but I am sure it is for selfish reasons...hungry, tired, withdrawel, shower...blah blah blah...remember as bad as you feel.......HE SHOULD HAVE SHOWED UP IN THE FIRST PLACE..................

Lem

Oh Sadly, I SO KNOW EXACTLY where you are. My (i don't know if I consider him ex or what - fiance) started using again when our son was 3 months old. I thought it would just be a simple one-time relapse. He managed to stay clean (or so I thought) after that until our son was one. But since that time (and our son is now two and a half) it has been a series of relapses, job losses, building up, crashing, etc etc etc. HEARTACHE oh man, heartache. Stealing from me, begging me to come get him, give him money, buy him beer so he can "come down," breaking into our home (because I had boarded it up so he could not come in), being violent (i didn't think he had a violent bone in his body until I saw him come down from a crack binge and throw a cell phone at me while I was holding our son/ or choke me - and that was after knowing him for five years. Then, when sober, completely denying that he had done the aforementioned things. . .saying i had attacked him and he was just "defending himself"), and everything else that you are now experiencing.

I lurked about this board and became very active on a few others - Kitty has helped me through A LOT via another board (and her analogy above I think is RIGHT ON). But the straight fact is this - unless he commits to recovery FULL TIME (i.e. go to rehab/sober living and leave you alone for a little bit) this episode will become routine. I finally moved out of our home because I was tired of him barging in whenever he wanted and moved my son and I to an apartment (i did not want to do that and was terrified but thank god every day that I found the strength to do it as now when he goes on his relapses he can't just come and go as he pleases).

He just recently went on another binge, got kicked out of sober living/lost his job and somehow once he got sober, they all let him come back! go figure. Well - he STILL thinks he is a GREAT father and that I am the one who is messed up. (mind you, he has had one stint of being four months clean in the last two and a half years). When he does get to visit with our son - which he can do if he is clean - it is all about making up thus, there is no discipline and our son gets whatever he wants - so of course I am the MEAN MOMMY. I am getting ready to finally file papers, etc. so I can limit his exposure.

In any case, I am rambling on about my experiences, but reality is this - go to Al-Anon or Naranon - and surround yourself with people who understand. Tell everyone what is going on. Move. You are doing an AWESOME job -in that you did NOT give him money (i can't tell you how many times I gave CH money just so he would LEAVE - his excuses were always that he didn't have any gas so he couldn't go anywhere and while I knew he would just go buy more, I got to the point where I did not care - just GO AWAY). And do I still love this guy? I think so. . . pathetic really. I get stronger every day as you will too - but I promise you, if you stick around, and he doesn't do recovery FOR REAL (not the - please let me come back, I PROMISE I'll never do it again, I HATE the stuff, etc etc) - I mean in-patient treatment - this occasion will become your life. I am living proof as is a lot of other people on these boards.

Hey - you can do it - you can give BIRTH for god's sake and take care of a beautiful baby. YOU get to experience her "firsts" - CH doesn't and believe me - if he does get sober, he will regret it. But that doesn't take away from YOUR ability to enjoy the "firsts." (My CH missed his own mother's funeral). In any case - keep posting here and STAY STRONG. You are doing a wonderful wonderful job. (((BIG HUGS))))

MrsMagoo

Nice post Lem. Welcome to SR (glad your posting and not just lurking anymore)

petey999

as a recovering crack cocaine heroin addict i can tell you the only person who can get your bf better is himself it took me 15 years to do and i think that the only reason i am still alive is the amount of time i spent in prison.dont let him rule your life if he doesnt get it together i think you should call it a day,my daughters mother is still active and i had to finish with her,chin up all the luck of the irish be with ye

SadlyLost

He actually has been calling rehab places today and just had me 3-way calls for him cause he had no more change. No one can take him...everyone has 6-8 weeks or more of waiting lists. He just started crying when the last place told him that. So now that he wants helps, he can't find it. I don't understand this system.

Lem

Sadly - call the Salvation Army - I know for a FACT that the one in Long Beach and Anaheim have beds ( I just checked ). It is free, but they will tell him that he has to commit for 6 months (that's not true - he can just tell them that, but it is not a lock down, they can leave whenever they want.) ALSO - if he has health insurance, call whichever hospital takes it - they might have a bed for at least a 3 day detox that insurance will cover. He needs to show up smelling of liquor though - but tell the hospital that he has also been doing crack.

Are you calling places that are pay facilities?

MrsMagoo

Good advice!

SadlyLost

Lem, thanks for the info. We are so far from Long Beach and Anaheim (no car...we're in the Valley). I let him go and then around 10pm he called again, he checked himself into another sober living home, one he can afford and he called Tarzana Treatment Center and they are restarting his rehab and probably instead of the 3 days/wk 2 sessions a day he was doing, he will now have to do 5 days/wk, 2 sessions/day AND see a mental health professional.

Surprisingly when I talked to the sober living manager, they drug tested him and he was clean...so he has not used in at least 3 days. He has apologized over what he did to me the past week and knows what he saw were delusions but still does not understand why.

As far as our relationship goes, I will be there for him if he keeps up the work. I simply can't live like I have this week anymore. He asked me if we were still together cause if he were me, he doubted he would have stuck around. I said you get better and then we can work on us. Oddly enough he also said as much as it hurt him to see my life was just going on (i went to movies, i went shopping with my baby, i went out to eat...i refused to mope) it made him realize just how deep he was.

He is saying a lot and I am taking it with a grain of salt til he is really into his recovery. I do love him...for the man I know he can be and was. But I really have to decide if this is what's best for me and my daughter, I just feel I need to decide that at least once he is more into his recovery to see if he really is trying to save himself and us.

Impurrfect

(((Sadly)))

I'm glad you are taking care of you and your baby, and that he's getting help. For me, it was also seeing my family go on with their lives that had a huge impact on me.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

Abundance

You are in a great head space !!!!!!! Very happy for you