why???
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: Poughkeepsie, NY
Posts: 74
why???
Why after 2 months of no communication, after continuing to travel a horrible, drug laden road, after I just started dating again (and met a great guy), does he contact me???? I woke this morning to an instant message on my computer screen from him asking if I had met someone. My guess is that the information came from his mother or daughter. Who both knew I had started dating again. But now what? Do I respond? My heart (and the codie part of me) says yes. I don't want to ignore it all together. Another part of my brain is questioning whether he has gotten updates all along also. The thought of this actually makes me angry. Why does he deserve the right to get updates on my life? Especially after ignoring the few times I had tried to make contact with him!!! Advice please?????
:wtf2
:wtf2
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Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
(((Brentsgirl)))
My advice....don't respond. It will only get you sucked back into the drama.
Maybe this is a way of MAKING you step back from talking to his family so much. It's one thing being supportive of them. It's another if they are giving him details of your life.
You have every right to date again. HE made the decision to end the relationship...HE made the decision to spiral out of control with his addiction. He is simply trying to gain control again by pushing your buttons.
Maybe, at some point in the future, you can talk to him, but I don't think it's a good idea right now.
Do you really want to go through the emotional tornado it will cause by talking to him?
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
My advice....don't respond. It will only get you sucked back into the drama.
Maybe this is a way of MAKING you step back from talking to his family so much. It's one thing being supportive of them. It's another if they are giving him details of your life.
You have every right to date again. HE made the decision to end the relationship...HE made the decision to spiral out of control with his addiction. He is simply trying to gain control again by pushing your buttons.
Maybe, at some point in the future, you can talk to him, but I don't think it's a good idea right now.
Do you really want to go through the emotional tornado it will cause by talking to him?
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: Poughkeepsie, NY
Posts: 74
Impurrfect,
You are so right. I don't want to go through, what you brilliantly called, the emotional tornado again. At this very moment I am just so shocked to have heard from him at all. One good thing, and proof of my own recovery, is I did not automatically respond. Which in the past I would have, then immediately regretted or questioned doing it. I feel like my HP is testing me this week. Maybe I should go to church this weekend- LOL! First time in about 15 years!!!!
You are so right. I don't want to go through, what you brilliantly called, the emotional tornado again. At this very moment I am just so shocked to have heard from him at all. One good thing, and proof of my own recovery, is I did not automatically respond. Which in the past I would have, then immediately regretted or questioned doing it. I feel like my HP is testing me this week. Maybe I should go to church this weekend- LOL! First time in about 15 years!!!!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
You DID do good....it's hard to think first, and not automatically react. Heck, I'm still having to work at it!
I, personally, think we do get tested. Every time we pass another test, we realize that we are stronger than we thought, and HP really does have our back!
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
I, personally, think we do get tested. Every time we pass another test, we realize that we are stronger than we thought, and HP really does have our back!
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
'Round and 'Round I Go....
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 478
I don't think HP tests us...I think HP throws curve balls at us to sharpen our skills so that we don't neglect the skills we worked so hard at learning.
I think your instinct was right on the money...you already see what a simple instant message did to your emotions...imagine if you engaged with a response.....
I think your instinct was right on the money...you already see what a simple instant message did to your emotions...imagine if you engaged with a response.....
Belgian Sheepdog Adictee
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
Posts: 6,101
Not only do you not have to respond, you can either block him or remove him from you IM.
The above advice is great. Get on with your own life. He is just trying to suck you back onto the rollercoaster.
Your doing a good job on working on you.
Keep posting and let us know how YOU are doing, we do care very much!
Love and hugs,
The above advice is great. Get on with your own life. He is just trying to suck you back onto the rollercoaster.
Your doing a good job on working on you.
Keep posting and let us know how YOU are doing, we do care very much!
Love and hugs,
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: In a good place
Posts: 4,482
Originally Posted by brentsgirl 
Why does he deserve the right to get updates on my life?
I think we've all had that friend or family member who gave us updates on another, only to find they were doing the same for them as well. When both parties need and ask for a go between it's a godsend, but when they don't it's a curse.
I'm with Amy. If this isn't a sign to step back from his family I don't know what is.
Kudos to you for not reacting! You have come a VERY long way
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: Poughkeepsie, NY
Posts: 74
Jeez! Against my better judgement (and all of your wonderful advice) I responded. I sent him an email basically telling him he has some set asking me anything about my life and that he lost the right to know anything 2 months ago when he cut me out of his life and chose his addiction over recovery. Strange, but even though I know I will not get a response and he will more than likely roll his eyes at the one he got, I feel better having said my peace. I also found out it was not his mother or daughter who told him. I had posted a profile on an online personals site, he did too, and I deleted mine 2 days ago. He was checking on me on there (my log in status etc.). Anyway, thank you all again for your advice. I know I probably should have taken it, but.........live and learn right?
BG
BG
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Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
(((Brentsgirl)))
I've always been the one who had to learn my lessons the hard way
Sometimes "my way" works...sometimes it doesn't.
It sounds like you're handling it well, and not going into the emotional tornado. Just be careful if he DOES respond, okay? It's way too easy to get sucked back in, no matter how strong we think we are.....been there, done that, and it wasn't fun.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
I've always been the one who had to learn my lessons the hard way
Sometimes "my way" works...sometimes it doesn't. It sounds like you're handling it well, and not going into the emotional tornado. Just be careful if he DOES respond, okay? It's way too easy to get sucked back in, no matter how strong we think we are.....been there, done that, and it wasn't fun.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
Member
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: USA
Posts: 427
Maybe you found some strength in yourself after writing that e-mail to him. A habit is hard to break no matter what it is. I hope that if he does respond you just see he will keep bringing you in little by little. Be careful here, you have the power to stay away please use it for you....Good luck 
StrivingToThrive
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: san diego, ca
Posts: 425
(((Brentsgirl))))
you are working so hard on getting your life back so don't beat yourself up. We are always struggling with the communication thing as it's so entangled in our co-dependency issues and it can confuse us.
You asked "Why" is he getting in touch now? Well I've worked hard on this one in my life too. Why is it hard for anyone of us to let go of a bad relationship?
I hope you don't mind my ramblings on what I have learned through my search, it might be more than your " why" wanted!
From what I have learned, I am not surprised he contacted you and I think he might have, even if drugs weren't an issue.
Break-ups are hard for both people when there is still Love, Even if it's the right thing to do. Relationships are crucial to us as humans. We have Friends enter and leave our lives as we move and change but in the back of our mind we always know they are there if we need them.
When we have to separate from someone we love, our choice or theirs, there are physical, emotional and mental withdrawals. For one thing ,our co-dependence is so enmeshed in them that it can be as bad as kicking an addiction because our mind knows there's a permanence to it and it fights that withdrawal the same way.
Maybe it's not as bad for Normie's but for addicts and co-Dependants the break can be a loss similar to a death.
Because of this, sometimes people feel the need to have some connection, an update, occasional phone calls, any reason to stay involved even as they are separate. We want to feel important to people and a disconnection can feel like a dismissal.
I am a " Why" kind of person. Knowing " Why" sometimes helps with my acceptance and ability to let something go.
What I have learned is that there is no hard and fast rule on how to do exit "right" in a relationship. . We have to do what is best for us and what is the next best thing. As long as our goal is OUR mental health and not theirs, we'll be okay.
So don't worry about your wanting to stay connected and don't fret about his need to.
But understanding this want doesn't mean it is good for the relationship to stay connected. In fact for me the understanding made it easier for me to let go and stop the wondering. The reason I felt a need to stay connected had NOTHING to do with whether we should be together or not. That took a lot more self-work that avoided those feelings and focused on facts.
So just focus on what is your end goal, Your Independence from his addiction and your, serenity, peace, mental well-being, and health.
Cathy
8
you are working so hard on getting your life back so don't beat yourself up. We are always struggling with the communication thing as it's so entangled in our co-dependency issues and it can confuse us.
You asked "Why" is he getting in touch now? Well I've worked hard on this one in my life too. Why is it hard for anyone of us to let go of a bad relationship?
I hope you don't mind my ramblings on what I have learned through my search, it might be more than your " why" wanted!
From what I have learned, I am not surprised he contacted you and I think he might have, even if drugs weren't an issue.
Break-ups are hard for both people when there is still Love, Even if it's the right thing to do. Relationships are crucial to us as humans. We have Friends enter and leave our lives as we move and change but in the back of our mind we always know they are there if we need them.
When we have to separate from someone we love, our choice or theirs, there are physical, emotional and mental withdrawals. For one thing ,our co-dependence is so enmeshed in them that it can be as bad as kicking an addiction because our mind knows there's a permanence to it and it fights that withdrawal the same way.
Maybe it's not as bad for Normie's but for addicts and co-Dependants the break can be a loss similar to a death.
Because of this, sometimes people feel the need to have some connection, an update, occasional phone calls, any reason to stay involved even as they are separate. We want to feel important to people and a disconnection can feel like a dismissal.
I am a " Why" kind of person. Knowing " Why" sometimes helps with my acceptance and ability to let something go.
What I have learned is that there is no hard and fast rule on how to do exit "right" in a relationship. . We have to do what is best for us and what is the next best thing. As long as our goal is OUR mental health and not theirs, we'll be okay.
So don't worry about your wanting to stay connected and don't fret about his need to.
But understanding this want doesn't mean it is good for the relationship to stay connected. In fact for me the understanding made it easier for me to let go and stop the wondering. The reason I felt a need to stay connected had NOTHING to do with whether we should be together or not. That took a lot more self-work that avoided those feelings and focused on facts.
So just focus on what is your end goal, Your Independence from his addiction and your, serenity, peace, mental well-being, and health.
Cathy
8
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: USA
Posts: 328
I did the dance with my addicts - I would say that's it - I'm done - and walk away. And then they would start pursuing, and I would respond. Then the same stuff would start happening, they would walk away. And then I wouldn't be able to stand not hearing from them, and I'd call.
I couldn't live with them and couldn't live without them. Made me nuts and them nuttier!
I also learned that the opposite of love isn't hate, it is indifference. And I really had to practice that.
But it was hard - and I made many false starts and sidetracks - two steps forward and one back.
Give yourself a hug - at least you are trying to do things differently.
Love in recovery,
Jody Hepler
I couldn't live with them and couldn't live without them. Made me nuts and them nuttier!
I also learned that the opposite of love isn't hate, it is indifference. And I really had to practice that.
But it was hard - and I made many false starts and sidetracks - two steps forward and one back.
Give yourself a hug - at least you are trying to do things differently.
Love in recovery,
Jody Hepler
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: Poughkeepsie, NY
Posts: 74
Well true to form, he deleted the email I sent in response to his questions (aol gives you the capability of seeing if it was read or just deleted). And you know what???? I don't care!!! I'm done! I finally for once don't give a SH**!!! I have ignored his mom's messages the past few days also. I am moving on. Just had a wonderful weekend with a great new guy and do not need the daily reminders of the misery I have worked so hard to leave behind! Thank you everyone for once again helping me through this and giving me the strength I needed. Even though I did it my own way, I couldn't have the strength to do it without all of your advice over the past few months. This site has really been a godsend.
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