Addicted Mom
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Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Toronto, Ontario
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Addicted Mom
So this morning I called my mom (against my better judgment) because I hadn't spoken to her in a while and I missed her.
It was 9:30am so I figured she'd be sober. I was wrong. She was REALLY high. Slurring her words, not making sense. I told her she was really high and that she should get some help because I worry she'll die. She said she doesn't care if she dies...and then mumbled something about face cream and passed out on the phone.
I am tired. You know that feeling where your so tired inside and you just don't know what to do anymore...you just know you're tired. That's how I feel.
I want to stop talking to her altogether. I am sad without her in my life but much happier and less stressed/upset when I don't talk to her.
Should I feel guilty if I just cut her out of my life completely? If I just stop talking to her forever....don't have her at my wedding, etc. Is that selfish?
It was 9:30am so I figured she'd be sober. I was wrong. She was REALLY high. Slurring her words, not making sense. I told her she was really high and that she should get some help because I worry she'll die. She said she doesn't care if she dies...and then mumbled something about face cream and passed out on the phone.
I am tired. You know that feeling where your so tired inside and you just don't know what to do anymore...you just know you're tired. That's how I feel.
I want to stop talking to her altogether. I am sad without her in my life but much happier and less stressed/upset when I don't talk to her.
Should I feel guilty if I just cut her out of my life completely? If I just stop talking to her forever....don't have her at my wedding, etc. Is that selfish?
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: In a good place
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You answered your own question when you said
The only thing that holds you back from serenity is yourself. It doesn't have to be forever, it can be just for today. If you feel the same tomorrow, the same applies.
I'm sorry you're hurting and I'm praying for your serenity.
Originally Posted by Kimm992 
I want to stop talking to her altogether. I am sad without her in my life but much happier and less stressed/upset when I don't talk to her.
I'm sorry you're hurting and I'm praying for your serenity.
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Join Date: Feb 2007
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I just worry that it will never end...you know?
Like if I say, "I'm just not talking to her for today" then what happens when I talk to her tomorrow and she just hurts me all over again...
When does it end?
Would it be selfish of me to just cut her out completely?
Like if I say, "I'm just not talking to her for today" then what happens when I talk to her tomorrow and she just hurts me all over again...
When does it end?
Would it be selfish of me to just cut her out completely?
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: In a good place
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There were days I didn't talk to my daughter and then when I'd give it another try she'd blow it. I hung up on her more times that I spoke with her when she was active in her addiction.
Selfish? I don't think so. I tend to view selfishness as something that is at the expense of others. When you're trying to protect yourself that's called self preservation.
Selfish? I don't think so. I tend to view selfishness as something that is at the expense of others. When you're trying to protect yourself that's called self preservation.
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Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 1,322
Kimm,
First, no, I don't think anything you do that helps you have serenity is selfish at all. Plus, an active addict/alcoholic probably won't remember the conversation anyway.
My exhusband is an alcoholic. When he is on a drinking binge, my grown children go no contact with him. It's just too upsetting for them. When he is practicing his program and sober, they are happy to have contact then.
Your mother is being the selfish one here, sweetie. She has placed her addiction first. Her thinking is not rational or loving, just self-serving. Setting boundaries, detaching are acts of love-for yourself and your loved one. They need to feel the consequences of their choices, to realize that taking the drug is causing more pain than good. She may reach that point, she may not. But you get to choose each day the life you want to be living, with the people who bring you joy and serenity. Make the decision that feels right in your gut, not one that makes your stomach ache. Leave guilt out of it-you did nothing wrong, and if your mother were in her right mind, I would imagine she would want you to be happy.
First, no, I don't think anything you do that helps you have serenity is selfish at all. Plus, an active addict/alcoholic probably won't remember the conversation anyway.
My exhusband is an alcoholic. When he is on a drinking binge, my grown children go no contact with him. It's just too upsetting for them. When he is practicing his program and sober, they are happy to have contact then.
Your mother is being the selfish one here, sweetie. She has placed her addiction first. Her thinking is not rational or loving, just self-serving. Setting boundaries, detaching are acts of love-for yourself and your loved one. They need to feel the consequences of their choices, to realize that taking the drug is causing more pain than good. She may reach that point, she may not. But you get to choose each day the life you want to be living, with the people who bring you joy and serenity. Make the decision that feels right in your gut, not one that makes your stomach ache. Leave guilt out of it-you did nothing wrong, and if your mother were in her right mind, I would imagine she would want you to be happy.
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Join Date: May 2008
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Every time I've visited the rehab centre for family/individual counselling, they have said to TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF. The first time I went for a day-long 'family session', I returned home and my little bro asked me what I learned about helping him. He looked shocked when I said that it was about ME and not about HIM.
Sometimes it's hard to stay focused on yourself. Sometimes to make yourself feel better, you need to keep the person with the addiction in your life, at least to some extent. I know no matter how much my bro's addiction worries me, it would be worse not knowing what's going on with his life. A lot of this is because of threats he's made - 'if you don't give me X, i will do Y to myself.' or 'if you don't give me X, i will make sure that you suffer by Y'. Like other people said - it's THEIR selfishness that has caused your guilt and worry.
I lived my life for months on the rollercoaster of my bro's addiction. Every time the phone rang I wondered if it was the police or my family. Like I said, I can't cut my brother out of my life. In my mind, he's still the little kid who plays Super Nintendo religiously, or watches kids shows on Saturday morning (lol... he's now 20). If we're talking about your mom, I know that you have years-old memories that you keep telling yoruself that one day, you'll see that person again.
Do what feels right in your heart. IMO, I don't think you should ever permanantly sever a tie with your immediate family. It's easy to tell someone to let your family member live on the streets, but it's harder to get your heart to agree. I am proof that it's possible to re-establish priorities and keep someone with an addition IN your life, but not having them RUNNING your life.
I'll say a prayer that you are able to see what you need to do.
BigSister
Sometimes it's hard to stay focused on yourself. Sometimes to make yourself feel better, you need to keep the person with the addiction in your life, at least to some extent. I know no matter how much my bro's addiction worries me, it would be worse not knowing what's going on with his life. A lot of this is because of threats he's made - 'if you don't give me X, i will do Y to myself.' or 'if you don't give me X, i will make sure that you suffer by Y'. Like other people said - it's THEIR selfishness that has caused your guilt and worry.
I lived my life for months on the rollercoaster of my bro's addiction. Every time the phone rang I wondered if it was the police or my family. Like I said, I can't cut my brother out of my life. In my mind, he's still the little kid who plays Super Nintendo religiously, or watches kids shows on Saturday morning (lol... he's now 20). If we're talking about your mom, I know that you have years-old memories that you keep telling yoruself that one day, you'll see that person again.
Do what feels right in your heart. IMO, I don't think you should ever permanantly sever a tie with your immediate family. It's easy to tell someone to let your family member live on the streets, but it's harder to get your heart to agree. I am proof that it's possible to re-establish priorities and keep someone with an addition IN your life, but not having them RUNNING your life.
I'll say a prayer that you are able to see what you need to do.
BigSister
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