Ann

You are reading from the book The Language of Letting Go

Detachment

Detachment doesn't come naturally for many of us. But once we realize the value of this recovery principle, we understand how vital detachment is. The following story illustrates how a woman came to understand detachment.

"The first time I practiced detachment was when I let go of my alcoholic husband. He had been drinking for seven years -since I had married him. For that long, I had been denying his alcoholism and trying to make him stop drinking.

"I did outrageous things to make him stop drinking, to make him see the light, to make him realize how much he was hurting me. I really thought I was doing things right by trying to control him.

"One night, I saw things clearly. I realized that my attempts to control him would never solve the problem. I also saw that my life was unmanageable. I couldn't make him do anything he didn't want to do. His alcoholism was controlling me, even though I wasn't drinking.

"I set him free, to do as he chose. The truth is, he did as he pleased anyway. Things changed the night I detached. He could feel it, and so could I. When I set him free, I set myself free to live my own life.

"I've had to practice the principle of detachment many times since then. I've had to detach from unhealthy people and healthy people. It's never failed. Detachment works."

Detachment is a gift. It will be given to us when we're ready for it. When we set the other person free, we are set free.

Today, wherever possible, I will detach in love.

From The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie ©1990, Hazelden Foundation.

Ann

I love this reading today, it reminds me of the saying "Let go or be dragged".

For so long I was dragged into the darkness of addiction, trying to save what was not mine to save. It wasn't until I was exhausted from hanging on that I realized all I had to do was let go. That's when I gave my son and his addiction to God and began to heal.

Hugs

Callie

Thank you so much for doing this every day. I look forward to reading your post first thing in the morning with sleepy eyes and a cup of java. I try to let it "set the tone" for my day.

itisatruth

I believe detachment is truly a gift; it has allowed me to start living my own life again. When I joined this site and finally understood that I had been letting his addiction control my entire existence, I was able to let go and begin detachment. It has been the most liberating feeling of my life.

Most days its easy. Some days I need to remind myself of it -- like when he promises to go to a meeting and doesn't. In those times, I stop myself and remember, that if he wants to go, he will, and I let it go. Then I think of what I am doing for myself today.

Thank you Ann.

Chino

It's like riding a bike. We don't forget once we learn how to do it. Sometimes we just need to remember to get on the bike and start peddling.

hope213

detachment was really hard for me being the mom i am. it took alot of work. today i am glad i worked so hard to (most of the time) accomplish that. i sometimes have my days but nothing like it use to be.there was alot of years i let my j. control everyday. with him looking at the time he is looking at i am glad i am not in that dark place with him.

Labrador0620

So how do you "detach" from someone you love?

To say she never respected this marriage would be an understatement; always caught up in her own selfish crap, but at the same time I stood and front of God and everyone and said, "Till death do us part."

I'm currently sitting in a hotel room because I couldn't take it anymore. I know God hates divorce, and wonder if He will forgive me. On top of that, I feel I have abandoned her. (Yes, I realize I am a ridiculous enabler, but it still doesn't change how I feel.)

There is absolutely nothing about leaving her that makes me feel better, but at the same time, my sanity won't let me go back.

Chino

By focusing on ourselves. Shift your focus back to your relationship with God and life will balance itself out. Substance abusers and co-dependents alike have put their substance or significant other before their Higher Power. Hurts to say it, hurts to hear or read it, but it's true.

Read the 12 steps and substitute your wife's name for alcohol, then take that first step. Keep walking toward your Higher Power and remember you aren't ever alone

Ann

I detach by praying and then trying to focus on something more positive. This is where meetings always helped me. Just surrounding myself with support of people who truly understood, didn't judge, and who could help me regain my balance always helped and coming here just talking it out.

For me, the person I loved (my son) and the person addiction turned him into were not the same person at all. I wanted my son back so much but addiction stole his soul and the person he became did what addicts do and I just could not live with that. The God of my understanding is a loving and forgiving God who doesn't want me to put myself in danger or live a miserable life, and I begin each day with a prayer, giving my son's care to Him, and then I live my days in peace and happiness, just as God intended.

I heard it said here a long time ago that detaching with love is driving away without squealing the tires. We can go with kindness, compassion and in peace without compromising our souls.

Hugs

angel4ever

WOW, I'm just absorbing all of this.

DG0409

This is a good one today. Somehow, I need to learn to detach from what bf is doing and focus on me. I spend too much of my life upset about what other people do while I am not doing the right thing.

Soberpotamus

Good stuff!