Do i confront him or not...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: jacksonville, florida
Posts: 341
Do i confront him or not...
I just called one of his credit cards to find out the balance and most recent transactions...just as i suspected...ATM cash advance withdralws.....
one on saturday for $200.00--i had suspected he used on saturday..so the proof is there..
what do i do now?? he is back to his old SH*T again...running up the debt and keeping things from me...using again....same old same old!!!
What can I do?? IM sick to my stomache...i need help and dont know who to run to or where to turn...i feel like my world is falling apart again. and i hate him..i hate him for what he is doing to his family.....he is a selfish son of a **tch.....and i cant take it anymore...how dare he--how dare he do this to us again....doesnt he care about his children...no he doesnt ...he only cares about himself and im sick of it....yes, he works hard to provide for his family, but what good is it if he is just going to stick it up his nose and lie and commit crimes......
Im at wits end here and i feel like i cant handle it...im scared im going to have a nervous breakdown..its too much for me.
one on saturday for $200.00--i had suspected he used on saturday..so the proof is there..
what do i do now?? he is back to his old SH*T again...running up the debt and keeping things from me...using again....same old same old!!!
What can I do?? IM sick to my stomache...i need help and dont know who to run to or where to turn...i feel like my world is falling apart again. and i hate him..i hate him for what he is doing to his family.....he is a selfish son of a **tch.....and i cant take it anymore...how dare he--how dare he do this to us again....doesnt he care about his children...no he doesnt ...he only cares about himself and im sick of it....yes, he works hard to provide for his family, but what good is it if he is just going to stick it up his nose and lie and commit crimes......
Im at wits end here and i feel like i cant handle it...im scared im going to have a nervous breakdown..its too much for me.
Let It Begin With ME
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: Saint Clair Shores, MI
Posts: 42
"yes, he works hard to provide for his family, but what good is it if he is just going to stick it up his nose and lie"
OMG! my AH just said to me the other day, "you say you guys cant count on me, but I'm the one who goes to work everyday and keeps a roof over our head". WELLLLL, GOOD JOB!! Applaud, Applaud!! So, he is justifying it???? If it wasnt for me having COMPLETE control of the money, there would be no roof, guaranteed!
As for confronting him?... Would it help you in any way? Don't think so. Whats done is done, you cant get the cash back. Hes knows you can find out, but he doesn't care. I say let it go, its only negative energy.
OMG! my AH just said to me the other day, "you say you guys cant count on me, but I'm the one who goes to work everyday and keeps a roof over our head". WELLLLL, GOOD JOB!! Applaud, Applaud!! So, he is justifying it???? If it wasnt for me having COMPLETE control of the money, there would be no roof, guaranteed!
As for confronting him?... Would it help you in any way? Don't think so. Whats done is done, you cant get the cash back. Hes knows you can find out, but he doesn't care. I say let it go, its only negative energy.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: Ogden UT
Posts: 49
I am so sorry to here that as I am dealing with the same exact thing except its has been about 5 days and the last two days I have been numb to him and to my whole life. I havent asked him b/c I know no matter what he tells me I wont believe it and I will keep asking him more questions until I am blue in the face and have nop more tears to cry
My advice is do something for yourself and try hard to not ask him b/c he will just lie to cover it up or he will turn it into your fault somehow. Then you have to go through all the stages of sadness, anger and acceptance of sort, again. It will not help you to ask him just make sure you will not accept this and you do not like it, put your foot down. Hang in there I know it will be hard not to yell, cry, scream at him but that is what they want to know there will be that person there caring for them.
This weekend my AH got drunk at his sisters house and he called for me to pick him up and I hung up the phone. He stayed there and know his family is getting the small idea of how it is to live with this..
Hang in there and every time you get the idea to call him aor talk to him come here and vent your anger.
My advice is do something for yourself and try hard to not ask him b/c he will just lie to cover it up or he will turn it into your fault somehow. Then you have to go through all the stages of sadness, anger and acceptance of sort, again. It will not help you to ask him just make sure you will not accept this and you do not like it, put your foot down. Hang in there I know it will be hard not to yell, cry, scream at him but that is what they want to know there will be that person there caring for them.
This weekend my AH got drunk at his sisters house and he called for me to pick him up and I hung up the phone. He stayed there and know his family is getting the small idea of how it is to live with this..
Hang in there and every time you get the idea to call him aor talk to him come here and vent your anger.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
Did confronting him work in your favor in the past?
What I read in your post is the word AGAIN.
He is back to his old SH*T AGAIN
He is using AGAIN
My world is falling apart AGAIN
What are you going to do different this time so it’s not another AGAIN?
You know all the things that didn’t work, that’s a start, don’t repeat them.
What I read in your post is the word AGAIN.
He is back to his old SH*T AGAIN
He is using AGAIN
My world is falling apart AGAIN
What are you going to do different this time so it’s not another AGAIN?
You know all the things that didn’t work, that’s a start, don’t repeat them.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Wilmington, NC
Posts: 932
Read the stickies. The addicts don't care. They are selfish and only care about feeding the monster. A friend on SR told me it's kinda like this:
He's on a train looking out the window. He see's you and kids running along side the train yelling "Stop!! What about us? Aren't we enough? We're begging you to stop!"
He sees you but he can't tell what your saying and really doesn't care - because he's on the train.
If you confront him - he will deny it. The only gratification you can get from confronting him about the missing money is the he will know you know but he will not admit it. He may even accuse you of taking the money to make him look bad or something stupid like that. Don't expect an admission. Don't make any threats that you aren't willing to put into action either.
Read the stickies. If I knew how to cut and paste the "famous" posts, I would. Maybe somebody else will come along that knows how to do that.
He's on a train looking out the window. He see's you and kids running along side the train yelling "Stop!! What about us? Aren't we enough? We're begging you to stop!"
He sees you but he can't tell what your saying and really doesn't care - because he's on the train.
If you confront him - he will deny it. The only gratification you can get from confronting him about the missing money is the he will know you know but he will not admit it. He may even accuse you of taking the money to make him look bad or something stupid like that. Don't expect an admission. Don't make any threats that you aren't willing to put into action either.
Read the stickies. If I knew how to cut and paste the "famous" posts, I would. Maybe somebody else will come along that knows how to do that.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: NJ
Posts: 702
I think I might get my name off the credit cards and open one in my name only. This way he is ruining his credit not yours. Do what you feel is best for you. Can you handle him going crazy again? Can you handle the threats AGAIN? Think of what would be best for you and your girls. Do what you feel you have to for you. Turn this over to your HP and he will guide you on the correct way to handle this again.
Stay strong and take care of YOU!!!!!!!
Hugs
Stay strong and take care of YOU!!!!!!!
Hugs
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: jacksonville, florida
Posts: 341
THANKS FOR THE ADVICE.....
but how do i put my foot down, how do i let him know i will not accept this witout confronting him...do i just ignore it---pretend like things are okay?? we are supposed to go to the bahamas on July 10th and i dont want to ruin that vacation for the kids..they are looking forward to it..he had booked it months ago although i knew he shouldnt...he wouldnt listen to me...so now i feel like i should just keep quiet at least until we get back...and then my mom is coming for a visit..she is supposed to stay here...
again, i need a new plan and i just dont know what that is going to be.....i feel stuck in this situation....
but how do i put my foot down, how do i let him know i will not accept this witout confronting him...do i just ignore it---pretend like things are okay?? we are supposed to go to the bahamas on July 10th and i dont want to ruin that vacation for the kids..they are looking forward to it..he had booked it months ago although i knew he shouldnt...he wouldnt listen to me...so now i feel like i should just keep quiet at least until we get back...and then my mom is coming for a visit..she is supposed to stay here...
again, i need a new plan and i just dont know what that is going to be.....i feel stuck in this situation....
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
If he is the sole financial provider then I don't think you can put your foot down. Won't he say it's his money anyway. How does he handle it when you spend 200.00 on the credit card for something for you?
Is your mother aware of his drug problem?
Is your mother aware of his drug problem?
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 103
What are your boundaries? Write them down....then think....what are the consequences? What are you going to accept? If he uses drugs, then what? If he uses my/our credit cards, then what? There has to be a consequence. He has to know the boundaries and the consequences. The boundary lines has to be clear. He will push them. DO not allow him. Your inner soul knows what is acceptable. The addict has pushed the line to the point there is no line. Of course it is your fault. NO sane, rational person would snort shi@t up their nose or push something into their vein.....unless they are addicts.... You are the one that he is looking at, fighting with, so he can say to himself.....screw it.....life is too bad, she's such a b@tch. It is his way to shift the focus off of himself and onto you. It sucks! You are right! BUT YOU are not an addict. You are the responsible one here. You are thinking correctly! SO what is your boundary? What are going to accept? Remember,....you have kids...If one of them came to you and said "MOM, my husband is on drugs, spending everything,......." what would you tell her/him? He is using.....He is not in recovery. Maybe, something will change WHEN something changes! And the only thing you can change,.....is yourself!
You are worth! DEEP BREATH.....DETACH and Think! :ghug
You are worth! DEEP BREATH.....DETACH and Think! :ghug
Member
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: in my own world~
Posts: 1,237
Hi drainedwife, You certainly have picked the right name. My heart goes out to you in this situation. I' haven't got any great words cause they have been spoken above.....Enjoy your vacation with your kids and enjoy your moms visit. That way you can center on people other then your hubby. When all thats done I'd sit down and think of what your going to do for YOU!! and the kids. Big hugs ~ Bonnie
the girl can't help it
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: splendraville
Posts: 5,599
((((DW))))
Most likely you are the only one you can change in this situation. Confrontation why bother? You have done that before and you are still back where you were.
Boundaries are for you not him. Take him out of the equation. When he does dope what are you going to do for you? How are you going to take care of you? Go somewhere, continue living, stop buying his goods and maybe he will stop trying to sell them to you. Get on with your life, stop revolving around your H and whether or not he is using dope.
(((((HUGS))))))
Most likely you are the only one you can change in this situation. Confrontation why bother? You have done that before and you are still back where you were.
Boundaries are for you not him. Take him out of the equation. When he does dope what are you going to do for you? How are you going to take care of you? Go somewhere, continue living, stop buying his goods and maybe he will stop trying to sell them to you. Get on with your life, stop revolving around your H and whether or not he is using dope.
(((((HUGS))))))
Member
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Woodbridge, NJ
Posts: 36
There will always be something - a holiday, a vacation, a birthday, visitors, plans, life is always happening. When you're in the middle of it, there really is no time that says "HEY! Next Tuesday is a great day to leave/confront him/lay down some boundaries." But in hindsight, it turns out that Tuesday really *was* a good day for that.
Laying down our boundaries doesn't always mean you have to confront your addict. In fact I sometimes find it's better when I don't. Because sometimes when I think I'm setting boundaries, I'm really looking for a fight in a self-righteous way. What are your boundaries? Do you know what they are? Even if you haven't enforced them yet, do you know what needs to happen in order to be happy?
Finally, you are the parent. You are supposed to do what's best for them, and material comfort does not always mean best. If you feel okay about going on vacation then go - but I would think strongly about how you will feel & act while you're there. Can you detach from his situation enough to enjoy yourself? Because if not, I see no sense in going.
Nothing changes if nothing changes. It seems like you were making some real positive changes, but then you stopped. Why? And does it surprise you that once you stopped changing, he did too?
Laying down our boundaries doesn't always mean you have to confront your addict. In fact I sometimes find it's better when I don't. Because sometimes when I think I'm setting boundaries, I'm really looking for a fight in a self-righteous way. What are your boundaries? Do you know what they are? Even if you haven't enforced them yet, do you know what needs to happen in order to be happy?
Finally, you are the parent. You are supposed to do what's best for them, and material comfort does not always mean best. If you feel okay about going on vacation then go - but I would think strongly about how you will feel & act while you're there. Can you detach from his situation enough to enjoy yourself? Because if not, I see no sense in going.
Nothing changes if nothing changes. It seems like you were making some real positive changes, but then you stopped. Why? And does it surprise you that once you stopped changing, he did too?
A work in progress....
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: FREE!!!! Somewhere in the Tennessee Mountains
Posts: 1,018
The thing is, an addict will NEVER face their own mistakes and they will find someone (the kids, the dog, the BurgerKing drive thru attendant, the weeds in the yard) to blame for their own mistakes. If they have someone else to blame, they will never accept responsibility for anything.
It is OUR responsibility to make good choices for ourselves. It is NOT our responsibility to try to get the addict to admit they made poor choices. It is a good day when we can accept that the addict is who they are and stop demanding that they change.
If they don't respect us enough to change for the health of the relationship then they are not worthy of us.
Ultimately, we have 3 choices:
1) Stay in the relationship and keep complaining about them.
2) Stay in the relationship and learn to like it (or at least stop complaining).
3) Leave.
That's the best advice my therapist ever gave me - right up there with a list of attorneys and a checklist of how to stay safe when getting out of an abusive relationship:
SafeHouse Denver
It is OUR responsibility to make good choices for ourselves. It is NOT our responsibility to try to get the addict to admit they made poor choices. It is a good day when we can accept that the addict is who they are and stop demanding that they change.
If they don't respect us enough to change for the health of the relationship then they are not worthy of us.
Ultimately, we have 3 choices:
1) Stay in the relationship and keep complaining about them.
2) Stay in the relationship and learn to like it (or at least stop complaining).
3) Leave.
That's the best advice my therapist ever gave me - right up there with a list of attorneys and a checklist of how to stay safe when getting out of an abusive relationship:
SafeHouse Denver
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Posts: 697
The first thing that comes to mind is to get your name off his accounts ASAP or remove HIM ASAP.
Second, confrontation is always an open door for more lies, more denial. I guess I would just cancel the accounts or whatnot and let him figure it out for himself. He can get his own cards.
Second, confrontation is always an open door for more lies, more denial. I guess I would just cancel the accounts or whatnot and let him figure it out for himself. He can get his own cards.
God's Kid
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: New Zealand
Posts: 1,820
Sad but true
I think you've been given some fantastic advice.
And if you are still unsure about getting yourself off those cards, ask yourself if you like paying for his habit? Cause if your name is on there, you're legal responsible too.
If you haven't joined Al Anon or Nar Anon, I'd suggest you get yourself along there very quickly and get yourself some help.
I have a Al Anon sponsor and she says she thinks in someways family members suffer more than the alkie/addict because they have nothing to give them relief. At least the alkie/addict can go get wasted and blot out the world. I've always thought it's sad but true.
And if you are still unsure about getting yourself off those cards, ask yourself if you like paying for his habit? Cause if your name is on there, you're legal responsible too.
If you haven't joined Al Anon or Nar Anon, I'd suggest you get yourself along there very quickly and get yourself some help.
I have a Al Anon sponsor and she says she thinks in someways family members suffer more than the alkie/addict because they have nothing to give them relief. At least the alkie/addict can go get wasted and blot out the world. I've always thought it's sad but true.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: To the North
Posts: 1,086
Drained!
I'm sorry. It's time to focus on YOU! As the saying goes - nothing changes, if nothing changes.
I am learning nothing in life is permanent. In the meantime, you can have a life and learn to live it - with or without your A - it's your choice, but it can be done.
Hugs to you!
I'm sorry. It's time to focus on YOU! As the saying goes - nothing changes, if nothing changes.
I am learning nothing in life is permanent. In the meantime, you can have a life and learn to live it - with or without your A - it's your choice, but it can be done.
Hugs to you!
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