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IS this part of my co-dependency or what??

Old 06-23-2008, 07:24 AM
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IS this part of my co-dependency or what??

I was just wondering why is it that i cant stand when he is mad at me?? ( my ah)...
Is it because i hate conflict and dont want to deal with it???
Is it co-dependency???? Is it just my personality??

I get knots in my stomache....maybe its because he gets mean sometimes when he's angry......like last night in a ude tone of voice, in front of the girls he told me "stop chomping your gum, i can hear you all the way from here!!"..
and it was because my daughter had asked "why does daddy sleep all the time, it gets me so mad!!".... and i didnt stick up for him....i said "i dont know why...."....and he thinks i should have said "daddy works so much, that's why he's tired"...truth is, i believe he couldnt sleep saturday night because he used and so he was making up the sleep.....its the same behavior from before....

He feels like he doesnt have to do anything else because he works in a stressful job and provides for his family.....he thinks thats enough...and its very hard to try to talk to him about it because he is so defensive about it.

I just feel that he is so inconsiderate...its okay for me to work full-time and come home and continue to work....but for him, its not okay....he doesnt have to do anything...once in a while he will do some things, so i cant say its never...but it is for the most part...i mean even little things like take out the garbage on a regular basis, take out the recycling.....

Maybe im talking here like he is not using,like he shold function like everyone else...but maybe thats because hes been like this for so long....when i wasnt working, i didnt say anything because i had all the tiem to take care of things, but when i did start to work full-time, he didnt pinch in..he was functioning at work, why couldnt he function at home too???

Im so messed up right now...i really dont know if i can handle going thirough this with him again....and having a lifetime of this CR*P..on the other hand going through a seperation/divorce with him, might also kill me.....
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Old 06-23-2008, 07:38 AM
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I think a big part of codependency is making OUR emotions dependent on ANOTHER person. It's difficult to relearn how to "feel" in a healthy way, and how to detach from another person's anger and pain, particularly when you've spent a lifetime trying to keep the other person "happy" and always focusing on others' feelings and problems rather than your own. I would suggest more reading on codependency and how to get your focus back on yourself, so that your AH is given his own feelings and frustrations to deal with rather than trying to take on his pain as your own. He sounds like he is trying to make his problems dependent on your behavior, and is blaming you for how unhappy he is (with the gum comment, for example) which has always worked for him in the past. If YOU don't learn how to change how this affects you, then nothing changes.

Separation/divorce is a scary option, that is for sure. So is staying with a verbally abusive addict. Neither one will be fun. If he never changes, are you happy to live your life this way? Or do you envision a life for yourself that doesn't involve someone blaming you for every time THEY are frustrated with THEIR life?

Detachment isn't unloving. It leads to wonderful things, for you and for those who have learned to blame YOU for their problems. It allows them to own their own behaviors and pain, and you to own yours. Reading, posting, and perhaps counseling for you to learn healthy responses to your situation can't hurt you, sweetie. Keep trying. You don't have to make any big decisions today, but you can start learning how to just keep your focus on you, not him.
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Old 06-23-2008, 08:09 AM
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Drained...

I feel your pain and confusion. Peace is correct, think about you and what you need. I too get sick to my stomach everytime I think he is angry or upset. I used to think I had to "fix it". But I have learned that it's not MY mood or my fault that he is unhappy. I can only be blamed for being unhappy if I am blaming myself.

Please continue to read, post and think about what you want and need for your life. It is hard to move past the "I can tolerate it" point to the point where you say, "no, good enough and being able to deal with it is not what life is about."

Love and Hugs to you.,
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Old 06-23-2008, 09:06 AM
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thanks...the problem is that im the one that is so unhappy!! he seems to be fine most of the time!!..laughing and kidding around with the girls.....(he kids around more than he acts like a father figure)..my daughter has made many commetns to him that he acts immaturely....

Im the one who mopes around or gets frustrated..he just hangs out--on the couch that is!!

also, he never wants to do anything...sometimes he will make a suggestion to go out to eat, but most of the time its take-out..we do not have any socail life..we dont go out with friends, and we dont go out alone unless i make the suggestion and keep asking him.
We have a very boring life and that is also making me unhappy and i think it is unhealhy for the kids that we never have anything to do....

Once in a while there will be a family get together, but other than that, nothing..the phone barely rings....its very sad.
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Old 06-23-2008, 09:36 AM
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Originally Posted by drainedwife View Post
thanks...the problem is that im the one that is so unhappy!!
Each of us are responsible for our own happiness. If we're in a situation that causes us unhappiness it's up to us to change that. We can't change others so we have to change ourselves. We can leave situations/people behind or go forward accepting them for who or what they are.

If your husband doesn't require a social life and you do, it's up to you to do something about it and that may mean without him.
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Old 06-23-2008, 09:40 AM
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My kids use to ask me the same thing! NOw, they ask why he is so into his deer! I usually say "Ask him!" then leave quickly so that I didn't have to hear him! I do get all nervous and sick to my stomach when I think he is mad at me. I feel like a child and he is my parent! I know that is where I want to "Fix things", also. It is where I have began to learn that I cannot take on his pain or his problems. He has to experience those things. He has to experience his kids asking why he doesn't do stuff with them and just sleep. He has to feel his own feelings and deal with them. That is dealing with life on life's terms. I deal with mine. I do get those feelings though. I have learned to DETACH. That for me is walking away....quickly!

i understand being isolated and not having a social life. It is easier, I try to do things with my kids. I just do it and don't ask him any more. Some times he will ask to come along. If he doesn't,....it is him that loses out! Hope this helps....take what you want and leave the rest!
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Old 06-23-2008, 09:53 AM
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Yes, your co-dependency is keeping you in an isolated unhappy marriage.


What are you doing to work on your co-dependency?
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Old 06-23-2008, 10:25 AM
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im not doing anything because i am so sick and tired of all of this--what can i do?? i am still seeing my therapist, although not as much as i should....
ive read the books--

i feel like giving up...i cant take this anymore.
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Old 06-23-2008, 10:34 AM
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How about looking for an on-line support group like this but for codependency. The books are good but if we don’t understand ourselves there’s no way to change our ill habits that keep us stuck.

Try and go to your therapist “just for you” not for the marriage and not for HIS addiction. Focus only on you and working on new ways toward a healthier view of yourself.
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Old 06-23-2008, 12:38 PM
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Why do you have to do things always with him? Why do not you go out by yourself? Take the kids out and do something with them? If he is not using maybe he has always been that way, not caring or always getting mad it could just be him.

You are responsible for your own happiness? If you are unhappy what is going to make you happy? Change the way you are because you cannot changer the way your husband is?
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Old 06-23-2008, 07:42 PM
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Yes it is your own codependency that is responsible for your misery. It isn't your husband. You need to get help for YOURSELF.

Stop asking "what can I do to change my husband" and start asking "what can I do to change ME". Because you are the only one you can change.

It took me a very long time to learn this lesson. I blamed my husband for all my misery for years. But it wasn't until I took a good, long, hard look at ME that things started to change.

It's just the only way. I wish I could give you a magic formula to make everything ok but there isn't one.
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Old 06-23-2008, 08:25 PM
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I too, was in that boat. My H is not an addict, just a man who doesn't know how to be a mate. He never wanted to do anything. I mean anything. Go out anywhere. He , like yours thought just cause he worked that was the end of his responsiblities. I waited and waited for him to step up and be a husband. DID NOT HAPPEN. So I got my own life. I made girlfriends , we went out. We talked on the phone, we laughted. I found a hobby to fill in my time that made me happy. And guess what? I made a life that made me smile and laugh without him. He has to live with his choices and I am happy with mine. Stop waiting for him to make you happy, won't happen. Stop waiting for him and start planning you.
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Old 06-23-2008, 09:02 PM
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I can feel the stomache clench from here! I think this is codependency. They have such an ability, and we have let them, train us to to be responsible and take on their "stuff".

I agree with all above, work on you, make your own life, etc. Maybe it will all work in harmony, maybe not, but however it works out if you're being true to yourself is how it should work out!

Have faith in you!
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Old 06-23-2008, 09:23 PM
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I just wanted to thank all of you for helping me....
I called a girlfriend tonight, and made plans to go out this week....

Part of my problem also is that i tend to worry tremendously...I am so worried about my future and how i will deal with things financially.

I think I will have a talk with my therapist on wednesday and tell her that i just want to work on me, and not even talk about my marriage and him for a while...I need to find out what I can do to make myself happy again..i know i am happier when i have friends and have things to do...I know I am happier when I am NOT working fulltime...even though it keeps my mind off of things, I have too many responsibilities at home that I have to take care of and dont have time to do. So, I think by cuttting my hours and working part time, i have taken care of that..if i do seperate or divorce from my ah, if i have to work full-time, i'll figure it out then..but why do it now, when it makes me so unhappy....??? OR am I just not being responsible and taking care of myself financially??

I am tired of being depressed....sick and tired of it...to hell with him....I need to fgure out what I can do for me-- I hope i can keep this attitude---i found more residue in his office upstairs tonight, and that must made me feel like killing him----
I have to detach, I have to keep coming here, and taking care of myself because guess what?? I do not deserve this craziness--i donot deserve to be lied to in my marriage...and i do not deserve to have him throw lame onto me for HIS issues!!!!!

AMEN!!!!!
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Old 06-24-2008, 07:07 AM
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Good for you making plans with your friend... Have fun and relax...

Making that appoinment with your therapist is also a huge step...Focusing on you and not your AH & marriage will help alot.

Your AH sounds alot like mine did during his heavy use, and before I started to detach from him. I, too, would make myself sick whenever he projected his feelings of shame onto me. Worrying about how would he be when he got home, obsessing over if he used... I was no good to myself or our children. Eventually, I got sick and tired of being sick and tired. I started doing things with our kids by myself, going places with friends, and walking away whenever the blame game or the drama llama stepped into my yard. It took time and alot of slips on my part...but it did get better. My RAH has over 18 months of active recovery under his belt... the "dark side" of him stuck around alittle in the beginning...but my detachment was there. Now if he does happen to retreat into the dark side for whatever reason, it is really hard for me to stifle a smile while I simply stand there until he is done with his rant and ask him "how did that work for ya?...Please go tell it to your sponsor"...

I was always told..."when the pain of staying is greater than the pain of leaving, you will know it is time to make your move"...

For now, just put the focus on YOU and your kids...there are alot of things that you can do that don't require much money and still get you guys out of the house... See if your town has a Movies in the park night, have a picnic in the park and play all day...

Keep posting...it helps.
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