Confused and Tired
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Upstate, NY
Posts: 718
Confused and Tired
Well, things are moving along. AH has not gotten into any type of recovery, although he's not using... to my knowledge. I hope and pray for his sake that this time he will make it, but no real changes in behavior... so...
We are separating and he is moving out this coming weekend. Part of me is glad and the other part is sad. I know I didn't cause it, can't control it or cure it.... but I did decide to get out of the relationship. Best for me and ultimate the kids. BUT... the kids are both very angry with me.
They know about Dad's use, but don't think it matters since he's not using right now. I am trying my hardest to be strong and realize that they are "supporting" him because they are worried about him, but it hurts to have them reject me.
I thought dealing with the issues and getting help to move on in a healthy fashion is a good thing. How come I hurt to much? My life wasn't supposed to be like this.... how did this happen.
A word or two of advice, encouragement or support would sure be appreciated. Thanks!
We are separating and he is moving out this coming weekend. Part of me is glad and the other part is sad. I know I didn't cause it, can't control it or cure it.... but I did decide to get out of the relationship. Best for me and ultimate the kids. BUT... the kids are both very angry with me.
They know about Dad's use, but don't think it matters since he's not using right now. I am trying my hardest to be strong and realize that they are "supporting" him because they are worried about him, but it hurts to have them reject me.
I thought dealing with the issues and getting help to move on in a healthy fashion is a good thing. How come I hurt to much? My life wasn't supposed to be like this.... how did this happen.
A word or two of advice, encouragement or support would sure be appreciated. Thanks!
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Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: a better place
Posts: 4,047
(((((Imallright)))))
You will be all right! You are doing the right thing for you and the kids, even though the kids can't see it just now. I supect that once they are away from the roller coaster, in time they will understand.
Making the right choice isn't painfree...I wish it was. It always helps me to remember that nothing I decide is permanent...That if I do what feels right for me today, and trust, that tomorrow I will be guide to the next right thing. It ehlps to think of the times in my life when I feel the pain would not end...but little by little, day by day, I felt better, and I grew from the experience.
I'm so sorry you are in pain right now. There are others going through what you are experiencing and they will be here to share their experiences and wisdom. Please know I am thinking of you and sending positive thoughts and prayers for comfort and healing.
You will be all right! You are doing the right thing for you and the kids, even though the kids can't see it just now. I supect that once they are away from the roller coaster, in time they will understand.
Making the right choice isn't painfree...I wish it was. It always helps me to remember that nothing I decide is permanent...That if I do what feels right for me today, and trust, that tomorrow I will be guide to the next right thing. It ehlps to think of the times in my life when I feel the pain would not end...but little by little, day by day, I felt better, and I grew from the experience.
I'm so sorry you are in pain right now. There are others going through what you are experiencing and they will be here to share their experiences and wisdom. Please know I am thinking of you and sending positive thoughts and prayers for comfort and healing.
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Join Date: Mar 2008
Posts: 1,287
((((imallright))))
Consider yourself supported. Because I believe you have thought all of this through, I believe you made the best decision you could have made given the circumstances.
I thought dealing with the issues and getting help to move on in a healthy fashion is a good thing. How come I hurt to much? My life wasn't supposed to be like this.... how did this happen.
How did this happen? I ask myself that same question every day. I wish there was an easy answer, but life doesn't always follow our plans. Dealing with issues and moving on are good things; it just takes time sometimes to see it. I wish you all the best during this time.
As for the kids, I'm sorry they aren't seeing what you have the wisdom to see right now. I believe they will someday. Sometimes being a parent means doing things you know are right, even when the kids want something else.
Take care, sending hugs and prayers your way.....Rica
Consider yourself supported. Because I believe you have thought all of this through, I believe you made the best decision you could have made given the circumstances.
I thought dealing with the issues and getting help to move on in a healthy fashion is a good thing. How come I hurt to much? My life wasn't supposed to be like this.... how did this happen.
How did this happen? I ask myself that same question every day. I wish there was an easy answer, but life doesn't always follow our plans. Dealing with issues and moving on are good things; it just takes time sometimes to see it. I wish you all the best during this time.
As for the kids, I'm sorry they aren't seeing what you have the wisdom to see right now. I believe they will someday. Sometimes being a parent means doing things you know are right, even when the kids want something else.
Take care, sending hugs and prayers your way.....Rica
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Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: jacksonville, florida
Posts: 341
You are definatly doing the right thing, in my hunmle opinion. Seperating yourself from all of this--your kids dont understand because they just want their dad...all kids do...but you are the parent and know what is best....
So, hes not using right now, to your knowledge...that's a good thing, but you never know when and if he will use again.
My ah stopped for about 3-4 months, and then on Memorial Day weekend...i smelled coke. And I knew...here we go again..i had just started feeling normal again...getting out of my depression....and then BOOM, just like that the dream of living a happy life with no drugs, died......and I felt stupid...stupid for letting my guard down...how could i be so naive..he wasnt going to any treatment program....nothing....
anyway, it may not happen with your AH..maybe this is it for him...I hope so....and
you seem strong....I hope all goes well for you...I hope your dream doesnt die.
So, hes not using right now, to your knowledge...that's a good thing, but you never know when and if he will use again.
My ah stopped for about 3-4 months, and then on Memorial Day weekend...i smelled coke. And I knew...here we go again..i had just started feeling normal again...getting out of my depression....and then BOOM, just like that the dream of living a happy life with no drugs, died......and I felt stupid...stupid for letting my guard down...how could i be so naive..he wasnt going to any treatment program....nothing....
anyway, it may not happen with your AH..maybe this is it for him...I hope so....and
you seem strong....I hope all goes well for you...I hope your dream doesnt die.
Member
Join Date: May 2005
Posts: 1,691
Just wanted to chime in with my love and support during this particularly difficult time. I understand how you feel. My RAH (and I use that R very loosely) has been sober but has not really worked a program of recovery. An abstinent addict is just about as bad as an active addict in my experience. Recovery is about learning how to live happy, joyous, and free. Addiction/alcoholism is but a symptom of the real disease - a sickness of the soul. Not using is just the beginning of learning how to live life. It's his choice not to work a recovery program but it's your choice not to subject yourself and your kids to his behaviors. Ultimately, anything that is not healthy for you is not going to be healthy for your children.
I wish that I had been stronger earlier on and not put up with my husband's behaviors after he got sober. The last 3 years have been extremely painful. I applaud you for recognizing your situation sooner rather than later.
Of course there is sadness and second guessing. That's what HP and your friends (here and face to face) are for-----we will all continue to support you as you move forward and do the next right thing for you....no matter what that is. I believe that the sadness is normal. You are grieving for the hopes and dreams that you've held onto for a long time. Also, the familiarity of even a bad situation is stressful to lose. Like most things, life and relationships are usually not all bad or all good. It's normal to grieve the good parts - even if you don't remember what they are. Also, it's normal to grieve the break up of a family. It's troubling to have your kids upset with you and that probably makes you 2nd guess yourself. They are acting out and do not understand the full implications of this adult situation. If you keep doing the next right thing they will eventually come to terms with this.
You are a strong woman - and a wise one as well. You have a tremendous amount of insight, resolve, and awareness.
You have 100% and more of my support and I hope that you will be posting anytime that you feel youself adrift or bobbling.
Lots of love and prayers heading your way.
I wish that I had been stronger earlier on and not put up with my husband's behaviors after he got sober. The last 3 years have been extremely painful. I applaud you for recognizing your situation sooner rather than later.
Of course there is sadness and second guessing. That's what HP and your friends (here and face to face) are for-----we will all continue to support you as you move forward and do the next right thing for you....no matter what that is. I believe that the sadness is normal. You are grieving for the hopes and dreams that you've held onto for a long time. Also, the familiarity of even a bad situation is stressful to lose. Like most things, life and relationships are usually not all bad or all good. It's normal to grieve the good parts - even if you don't remember what they are. Also, it's normal to grieve the break up of a family. It's troubling to have your kids upset with you and that probably makes you 2nd guess yourself. They are acting out and do not understand the full implications of this adult situation. If you keep doing the next right thing they will eventually come to terms with this.
You are a strong woman - and a wise one as well. You have a tremendous amount of insight, resolve, and awareness.
You have 100% and more of my support and I hope that you will be posting anytime that you feel youself adrift or bobbling.
Lots of love and prayers heading your way.
Last edited by lightseeker; 06-22-2008 at 09:18 PM. Reason: spelling
Belgian Sheepdog Adictee
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
Posts: 6,101
As you and I have discussed, Alateen for your kids. Yes I know they don't want to go, however, you are the MOM and can tell them they need to try at least 2 meetings each.
Find a meeting in New York
The above list will give you a start for meetings in your area.
Alanon for you. Another great tool.
As to the kids. They are TEENAGERS. lol and I hate to say this, but teenagers run hot and cold on a given topic with sometimes many changes in the same day. They are confused, want to 'blame' someone and right now it is you.
You know that he is just 'dry' and without some type of recovery program will relapse. Then your kids will have Mom to fall back on, as they are going to be more hurt than they are now. It is then they might be more willing to attend Alanon or some private counseling.
In the meantime.......................................... .............know that you are doing the 'right' thing for you and your children.
We support you here, and I am sure your local Alanon will support you also.
Please keep posting and let us know how you are doing, we do care very much!
Love and hugs,
Find a meeting in New York
The above list will give you a start for meetings in your area.
Alanon for you. Another great tool.
As to the kids. They are TEENAGERS. lol and I hate to say this, but teenagers run hot and cold on a given topic with sometimes many changes in the same day. They are confused, want to 'blame' someone and right now it is you.
You know that he is just 'dry' and without some type of recovery program will relapse. Then your kids will have Mom to fall back on, as they are going to be more hurt than they are now. It is then they might be more willing to attend Alanon or some private counseling.
In the meantime.......................................... .............know that you are doing the 'right' thing for you and your children.
We support you here, and I am sure your local Alanon will support you also.
Please keep posting and let us know how you are doing, we do care very much!
Love and hugs,
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Upstate, NY
Posts: 718
Thank you all very much. Have to keep pushing forward and trust. Not easy at any given moment. I am grateful to have found SR. It has been so tough to look for support. I have been to Alanon trhoughout the years and it does help. Think it's time for another try. As for the kids... I will continue to try to get them help... but when I suggest it seems to push them even further away and make them angrier.
You are right, I start to second guess myself. "maybe the kids an AH are right, it's just a MJ and he's not using now." "Maybe I am making too much of this, perhaps he's not addicted." BUT... I know it's not about him ultimately, it's about me. I need to feel secure and loved and I need to know that I can trust and have faith in my partner... not wonder all the time.
I am rambling, but I guess I needed to do that this morning to refocus. Please keep sharing your wonderful wisdom with me! I appreciate it more than you could ever know.
HUGS
You are right, I start to second guess myself. "maybe the kids an AH are right, it's just a MJ and he's not using now." "Maybe I am making too much of this, perhaps he's not addicted." BUT... I know it's not about him ultimately, it's about me. I need to feel secure and loved and I need to know that I can trust and have faith in my partner... not wonder all the time.
I am rambling, but I guess I needed to do that this morning to refocus. Please keep sharing your wonderful wisdom with me! I appreciate it more than you could ever know.
HUGS
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