resenting the lifestyle of the recovering addict?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: philadelphia, pa
Posts: 5
resenting the lifestyle of the recovering addict?
i am currently dating my bf of ~2.5 yrs, and he has been clean & sober for almost 3 yrs. being in my lat 20's, i'm having a very hard time adjusting to the lifestyle changes that come with dating a recovering addict- meetings, sponsors, 12 steps prgrams, no alcohol, etc. i especially can't get used to my life without alcohol. i am not an alcoholic by any means, but i do enjoy things like having a bottle of wine w/ dinner w/ my partner, going out with friends on wknds, happy hr, wine tasting, even concerts have an alcohol component! to support my bf's recovery i have no alcohol in my apt, i don't social drink if i know i'm going to see him later that day, i frequently have to choose btn spending time with my friends who happen to be out or with my bf (bc we can't all be in the same place), and it's more difficult to close the gap btn my friends and my partner since we all can't go out together as much as we can.
i know that if you love someone, u should be able to accept all the good and bad. but if i have this resentment against this lifestyle, does this mean i don't love him? also, i have had trouble identifying with those in meeting rooms. they are mostly spouses, children of, or have children who are addicts. but since my situation doesn't tie me to the addict as much as a marriage, blood or family, it becomes more difficult bc i CAN choose to walk away.
my bf and i have talked about this last night, painfully, and have agreed to go an a 1 wk break. he feels as if i am choosing alcohol over him, and i try to tell him i am trying to decide on a lifestyle for myself which makes me happy. it's not just the alcohol, it's a way of life i will be changing forever and that is a difficult choice.
is resentment over this different lifestyle a feeling that comes & goes in a relationship with a recovering addict? or is this something that should not happen if i've accepted him for who he is? i am confused bc i thought i had a pretty good grasp of what recovery entailed for me in the beginning, but now this new feeling of resentment makes me doubt my feelings
it hurts so much right now bc all i can think of is that i don't want to lose him. everything remindes me of us, and it's only been a day. i don't want to stay for the wrong reasons (being it hurts to be apart now) and have my resentment resurface & always be there in the future. i'm having a hard time knowing what the right thing to do is.
sad and confused,
recoverynovice
i know that if you love someone, u should be able to accept all the good and bad. but if i have this resentment against this lifestyle, does this mean i don't love him? also, i have had trouble identifying with those in meeting rooms. they are mostly spouses, children of, or have children who are addicts. but since my situation doesn't tie me to the addict as much as a marriage, blood or family, it becomes more difficult bc i CAN choose to walk away.
my bf and i have talked about this last night, painfully, and have agreed to go an a 1 wk break. he feels as if i am choosing alcohol over him, and i try to tell him i am trying to decide on a lifestyle for myself which makes me happy. it's not just the alcohol, it's a way of life i will be changing forever and that is a difficult choice.
is resentment over this different lifestyle a feeling that comes & goes in a relationship with a recovering addict? or is this something that should not happen if i've accepted him for who he is? i am confused bc i thought i had a pretty good grasp of what recovery entailed for me in the beginning, but now this new feeling of resentment makes me doubt my feelings
it hurts so much right now bc all i can think of is that i don't want to lose him. everything remindes me of us, and it's only been a day. i don't want to stay for the wrong reasons (being it hurts to be apart now) and have my resentment resurface & always be there in the future. i'm having a hard time knowing what the right thing to do is.
sad and confused,
recoverynovice
Last edited by recoverynovice; 06-20-2008 at 09:41 PM. Reason: spelling errors
Member
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Cleveland, Ohio
Posts: 138
Hi recoverynovice:
I have been dating my boyfriend for 4 1/2 years. I found out about his addiction 1 year into our relationship (primarily pills but has had problems with coke and alcohol in the past). He got clean for about a year, relapsed, and is currently at 6 months sober. Here is my take on things, but this is just my personal experience and opinions. Everyones' relationships are different. I do drink occasionally (well, probably more like rarely--maybe once every several weeks), and do not have a problem with being around him if I have been drinking. Several weeks ago he came to pick me up cause I was at a party at a friend's and was unable to drive home. I also do have a bottle of wine in our house, which has been there since before he went into rehab. He does not have a problem with any of this. The way I see things is, if he wants to go out and get drunk, or high, or whatever, he will. Anything I do is not going to cause him to do it or not do it. Granted, certain things can be triggers, and I am respectful of his feelings and try to make sure I am not flaunting my actions in his face.
I myself do not go to meetings. But don't let your reason for not going be that you do not feel as if you are legally tied to him as a lot of other people in your meetings seem to be. Simply having an addict in your life gives you something in common with them.
There are a lot of fun things you can do with a partner that don't involve alcohol. But I guess it comes down to whether or not you feel your lives can mesh. Is he simply unable to go to any public function that serves alcohol? Can he not be around it in any way? I think that feeling like you have to change yourself or your life to fit another's needs isn't always the best thing to do. If you think that you can come to some happy medium with him and your friends then you should try. Meaning, can't your friends sometimes go out somewhere that doesn't have alcohol? And could your boyfriend go to a concert but simply not drink?
Sometimes it isn't just about love. You can love someone but have too many differences to overcome. So don't think just because you two can't make it work (if it turns out you can't) doesn't mean you don't love each other. Isn't there some old song, "sometimes love just ain't enough"? Cheesy, but true.
Sorry if I rambled, I have a tendency to do that. Hopefully you two can figure things out.
Vanessa
I have been dating my boyfriend for 4 1/2 years. I found out about his addiction 1 year into our relationship (primarily pills but has had problems with coke and alcohol in the past). He got clean for about a year, relapsed, and is currently at 6 months sober. Here is my take on things, but this is just my personal experience and opinions. Everyones' relationships are different. I do drink occasionally (well, probably more like rarely--maybe once every several weeks), and do not have a problem with being around him if I have been drinking. Several weeks ago he came to pick me up cause I was at a party at a friend's and was unable to drive home. I also do have a bottle of wine in our house, which has been there since before he went into rehab. He does not have a problem with any of this. The way I see things is, if he wants to go out and get drunk, or high, or whatever, he will. Anything I do is not going to cause him to do it or not do it. Granted, certain things can be triggers, and I am respectful of his feelings and try to make sure I am not flaunting my actions in his face.
I myself do not go to meetings. But don't let your reason for not going be that you do not feel as if you are legally tied to him as a lot of other people in your meetings seem to be. Simply having an addict in your life gives you something in common with them.
There are a lot of fun things you can do with a partner that don't involve alcohol. But I guess it comes down to whether or not you feel your lives can mesh. Is he simply unable to go to any public function that serves alcohol? Can he not be around it in any way? I think that feeling like you have to change yourself or your life to fit another's needs isn't always the best thing to do. If you think that you can come to some happy medium with him and your friends then you should try. Meaning, can't your friends sometimes go out somewhere that doesn't have alcohol? And could your boyfriend go to a concert but simply not drink?
Sometimes it isn't just about love. You can love someone but have too many differences to overcome. So don't think just because you two can't make it work (if it turns out you can't) doesn't mean you don't love each other. Isn't there some old song, "sometimes love just ain't enough"? Cheesy, but true.
Sorry if I rambled, I have a tendency to do that. Hopefully you two can figure things out.
Vanessa
Adventures In SpaceTime
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: Ottawa, Canada
Posts: 5,827
Hi
great post.
As i think about it, resentments are not a simple strong feeling or a bad attitude or a harsh word. They are much more. My resentments worn away at my freedoms, my choices, my likes and loves, my abilities, and my core self. Big time. i had to manage my life to have a life and that meant better choices were needed.
Only you know really what you mean when you state your resentments for a kind of lifestyle. What i can offer you is this: while you resent something it will wreck you eventually, and hurt others around you until the resentment is banished.
I do not think it normal or healthy to resent something that you have freely choosen to do. Something you don't choose to do, ya sure. But if your doing it by choice, and you resent it, there will be no joy. Freedom does not walk with resentments. And so, why would anybody trade their freedom for slavery as a choice? ya, resentments are only normal for what we abhor and shun away from and we all know these things in our heart of hearts.
i am sorry you have hard descions to make, but i am happy you want to freely make them as is your right to do so without fear or shame to stop you. Just be honest with yourself and you will be doing the !best! that can be done by any of us.
best of luck.
great post.
As i think about it, resentments are not a simple strong feeling or a bad attitude or a harsh word. They are much more. My resentments worn away at my freedoms, my choices, my likes and loves, my abilities, and my core self. Big time. i had to manage my life to have a life and that meant better choices were needed.
Only you know really what you mean when you state your resentments for a kind of lifestyle. What i can offer you is this: while you resent something it will wreck you eventually, and hurt others around you until the resentment is banished.
I do not think it normal or healthy to resent something that you have freely choosen to do. Something you don't choose to do, ya sure. But if your doing it by choice, and you resent it, there will be no joy. Freedom does not walk with resentments. And so, why would anybody trade their freedom for slavery as a choice? ya, resentments are only normal for what we abhor and shun away from and we all know these things in our heart of hearts.
i am sorry you have hard descions to make, but i am happy you want to freely make them as is your right to do so without fear or shame to stop you. Just be honest with yourself and you will be doing the !best! that can be done by any of us.
best of luck.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 1,307
hmmmm... I like what has been said already.
Take it one day at a time..... observe how you are feeling and how (if) it changes over the course of the week apart. I believe the sensations you are feeling will lead you to your answer... and a compromise will be made between the two of you.... whatever that may be.
I think it's great that he is doing what he needs to do to stay in recovery.... and it's good you are taking the time to decide what it is you need to do.
Notice .... I said "time"..... it's been one day.... a lot can change by the end of the next day and the day after!
(((hugs)))
Take it one day at a time..... observe how you are feeling and how (if) it changes over the course of the week apart. I believe the sensations you are feeling will lead you to your answer... and a compromise will be made between the two of you.... whatever that may be.
I think it's great that he is doing what he needs to do to stay in recovery.... and it's good you are taking the time to decide what it is you need to do.
Notice .... I said "time"..... it's been one day.... a lot can change by the end of the next day and the day after!
(((hugs)))
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: philadelphia, pa
Posts: 5
vanessa, i am glad u said that last part about sometmes love not being enough. in my confused state, i had mentioned that perhaps i don't really love him and that really hurt him (believeably so!). i couldn't believe i said that bc i know that i do, and immediately regretted it. but i see ur point, sometimes just loving someone doesn't mean everything else will fall into place.
in the beginning he already set his boundaries being he doesn't feel comfortable being in situations that involve alcohol (people, places, things). he doesn't get urges, he just doesn't see why he should be around it. we've compromised already and i've noticed what the addict is comfortable with changes all the time. one day he'll be ok with going to a concert not drinking while others do, and the next he can't eat outside at a bar. he says he reserves the right to make the rules about his comfort level as he feels, and i understand that, but that leaves me not knowing what we can do from one minute to the next. that frustration leads me to resentment pretty quickly.
robby, " I do not think it normal or healthy to resent something that you have freely choosen to do. Something you don't choose to do, ya sure. But if your doing it by choice, and you resent it, there will be no joy."
that was very enlightening....and i thank you for you words of advice, u said a lot of good things. abundance- i have to see it's one day at a time and not do too mmuch too soon. tx for putting that into perspective for me. i really do hope i have some clarity by the end of this week.
in the beginning he already set his boundaries being he doesn't feel comfortable being in situations that involve alcohol (people, places, things). he doesn't get urges, he just doesn't see why he should be around it. we've compromised already and i've noticed what the addict is comfortable with changes all the time. one day he'll be ok with going to a concert not drinking while others do, and the next he can't eat outside at a bar. he says he reserves the right to make the rules about his comfort level as he feels, and i understand that, but that leaves me not knowing what we can do from one minute to the next. that frustration leads me to resentment pretty quickly.
robby, " I do not think it normal or healthy to resent something that you have freely choosen to do. Something you don't choose to do, ya sure. But if your doing it by choice, and you resent it, there will be no joy."
that was very enlightening....and i thank you for you words of advice, u said a lot of good things. abundance- i have to see it's one day at a time and not do too mmuch too soon. tx for putting that into perspective for me. i really do hope i have some clarity by the end of this week.
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Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: a better place
Posts: 4,047
I think it is great that you are honestly looking at this and trying to decide what works best for you. There is so much logic in what you have said, both from your perspective and from your boyfriends. Situations and how one feels at the time are very important parts of recovery, and your BF is wise to know that sometimes he can be comfortable around alcohol and sometimes he can't. But I really hear what you are saying too in terms of therefore not being able to plan until the last minute.
My daughter is in recovery and so is her boyfriend. I see a lot of their relationship in your post. She has a greater comfort level with being able to be at a concert or party or something where others may drink; she has gotten to the point where she can trust her feelings and know her limitations. Her boyfriend still needs his comfort zone and to surround himself with program almost all the time. They have faced some challenges with this, but through open communication and through really accepting that sometimes they will do things individually rather than as a couple and that doesn't mean they don't love each other, they just have different interests, they have been learning to let go of the resentments. They also have each been trying to get out of their own comfort zones a bit and test the waters...learning compromise.
I wish you both well...Thanks for your honesty! There is truly no right or wrong here, I believe, and I know things will work out however they should.
My daughter is in recovery and so is her boyfriend. I see a lot of their relationship in your post. She has a greater comfort level with being able to be at a concert or party or something where others may drink; she has gotten to the point where she can trust her feelings and know her limitations. Her boyfriend still needs his comfort zone and to surround himself with program almost all the time. They have faced some challenges with this, but through open communication and through really accepting that sometimes they will do things individually rather than as a couple and that doesn't mean they don't love each other, they just have different interests, they have been learning to let go of the resentments. They also have each been trying to get out of their own comfort zones a bit and test the waters...learning compromise.
I wish you both well...Thanks for your honesty! There is truly no right or wrong here, I believe, and I know things will work out however they should.
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