Language of Letting Go - June 20 - Relationship Martyrs

Old 06-20-2008, 04:35 AM
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Ann
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Language of Letting Go - June 20 - Relationship Martyrs

You are reading from the book The Language of Letting Go

Relationship Martyrs

Many of us have gone so numb and discounted our feelings so completely that we have gotten out of touch with our needs in relationships.

We can learn to distinguish whose company we enjoy, whether we're talking about friends, business acquaintances, dates, or spouses. We all need to interact with people we might prefer to avoid, but we don't have to force ourselves through long-term or intimate relationships with these people.

We are free to choose friends, dates, and spouses. We are free to choose how much time we spend with those people we can't always choose to be around, such as relatives. This is our life. This is it. We can decide how we want to spend our days and hours. We're not enslaved. We're not trapped. And not one of us is without options. We may not see our options clearly. Although we may have to struggle through shame and learn to own our power, we can learn to spend our valuable hours and days with the people we enjoy and choose to be with.

God, help me value my time and life. Help me place value on how I feel being around certain people. Guide me as I learn to develop healthy, intimate, sharing relationships with people. Help me give myself the freedom to experiment, explore, and learn who I am and who I can be in my relationships.

From The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie ©1990, Hazelden Foundation.
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Old 06-20-2008, 05:46 AM
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It is so easy how lost I have become with my own feelings. I can only feel trapped to stay in a marriage that has lost so much due to addiction. I know if it wasn't for my kids, I would have left. I guess I had to become numb so that I didn't feel the pain or the lonliness. Even now, I know that I continue to stay numb. Letting Go is hard I think because I have to "Find" that part of me that the "craziness" replaced. When I Detach, even though I do it lovingly, makes me realize how crazy this relationship is. I feel this part, the numbness, putting my own needs last,... has made me "lost". I know that all that I need is within me. I continue to try to find that. Does this even make sense?!

Thanks for your post and reminding me!
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Old 06-20-2008, 06:01 AM
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I was lost too. I avoided old friends and most family (healthy people) because although they knew of my son's addiction, they had no clue of the hell and chaos that had become our "normal" life. My choice of new friends was poor, until I found recovery and learned to discern the difference between healthy relationships and toxic ones.

Today I choose more wisely, have let some old relationships fade into the past and my current friends are all healthy, and not all are in any recovery program at all.

I'm okay with my choices, life is good, and my close friends today know all about me, accept my life and who I am and are people I can trust.

I am no longer a martyr, no longer a victim. Today I am a survivor living in the solution and loving every moment of it.

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Old 06-20-2008, 08:33 AM
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I am not sure if I have made it to the next step after the detachement. Or if maybe by staying with my RAH, allowing time to allow for the changes that need to take place is holding me back. I know my family and friends do not understand the hell and the lonliness. I do not want friendships/relationships because others are feeling sorry for me. I have to believe that all I need is inside me. Finding that will lead me to happiness. I think the lonliness is the hardest. I see it in myself and my kids. However, I feel that I have to give my marriage a chance and my kids a chance at their father. Maybe, my thoughts will change on this. I don't know. What I do know is that he is in recovery and that I really feel that I do not know him. I really don't know if I saw a Healthy relationship slapping me in the face! I am trying to meditate and really understand.
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Old 06-20-2008, 10:50 AM
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That's ME!!! Thank you Ann!
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Old 06-20-2013, 07:05 AM
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Old 06-20-2013, 07:22 AM
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I have this book downloaded on my kindle and when I read this earlier today I thought "wow, ain't that the truth". I have given up a few relationships recently...ones that I just came to realize weren't healthy for me. People who were a little too intrigued by all the chaos and seemed to enjoy telling me how I should be doing and handling things. I came to recognize that as I became stronger in myself they were either intimidated by it or else I just became aware of the air of negativity they carried. Not sure which....but I am happy I've distanced myself. I feel lighter in spirit and although I wish them no ill will, I just know I enjoy uplifting, positive people more....which is why I spend so much time here!!
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