brentsgirl

I joined this site a few months ago to help me understand and move past my xabf's drug use (DOC- crack). It has helped me tremendously. But as I swift through the posts, I can't help but feel so badly for the parents of addicts. As I had written last week, I have a close bond with my ex's mother. I know the worry, pain and fear associated with living with and loving an addict first hand, but I cannot imagine living with it when it is your child. My heart goes out to all of you. But there was something that dawned on me today.........where are the father's? I am not at all saying that the father's don't feel the pain and worry. Is it that as men, they don't express things like us women do? I know my ex's father feels guilt (he's a recovering alcoholic) and is in a bit of denial as well. I was reading a post this morning from a mother and the replies that went along with it (from other mom's) and it got me thinking...........Where are the dad's in this?

caileesnana

My daughers dad is here, suffering in his own way. He doesn't deal with things as I do, sometimes he doesn't deal at all! I assure you that for a dad to realize what their "little girl" has done and become is a living hell. I see it on his face daily, the tears when he thinks noone sees, and the aging over the last couple of years. My AD is lucky, she just doens't know it.

susan

Chino

Yesterday I was thinking about all of us women on here, after reading an article in Readers Digest:

Women have 39% more receptors, or landing pads, for these mood-affecting molecules than men do, but 55% less of a protein that transports them. This may account for why women suffer twice as much anxiety and depression as men.

When you throw our constant hormonal fluxuations into the mix it's no wonder us women post and even obsess more.

MsPINKAcres

I have seen a few of the dad's post on here and on some other web sites, my f2f meeting has several dads that attend -
so not sure why it is - I actually attended an al-anon meeting last week where the "guys" out numbered the "girls" 6 guys & 4 girls - that doesn't happen very often - it was great the way our HP worked it out - we had a male newcomer & it made him feel very comfortable.

This parent of an AD does it just like I do it when dealing with my AH - One Day at a Time - or even One Minute at a Time.

Serenity and Joy to you,
Rita

kay1234

Thank you for that...it is hard, and even though I try it is still very hard for me. As far as the dad, my sons dad is here and he is dealing with this in his own way...he himself is working his program and has been a huge rock for me to lean on, and has great advice for me. I think for him he has experienced the addiction first hand so he understands it more.

Jody Hepler

My sons' step Dad (who raised them) was as much in the picture as I was. Family therapy after recovery, Family Weeks while they were in treatment, Alanon meetings (he never missed his men's Alanon meeting) - and he decided that he would stop drinking to show our kids that you could have fun whether or not you drank. He wasn't perfect - but he was a good Dad and very supportive. In fact, he wasn't as emotional as I was - which was probably better.

We all were blessed.

Love in recovery,
Jody Hepler

P.S. At first, he did feel that as a father and man of the family, he "should have know", "should have stopped it". But when he accepted in his heart the 3 Cs, he really embraced recovery for himself.

BBD

Hi There, My son's dad is right here. Not on the puter like me and has a very busy working life. He's a teacher, football coach and does Adult vooleyball 2 nights a week. I'm almost certain that if I had let my hubby take the rains (sp)) more years ago~~Chris may have not found himself so addicted. My hubbies much more disciplined and absolutely has no codependency problems. Kinda hard to explain in writing but he's right here loving his son and not giving up at all. As a matter of fact I told my son last week-end that I don't want communication between him and I until he can find recovery and stick to it. I've had enough of the drama and I'm the type of get right in the middle of it. My husband isn't........So, I'm sure all dads love their children but just don't have the time to be here. We do alanon together and most of the crowd is moms also......Smiles, Bonnie

brentsgirl

Please don't get me wrong, I had no doubt that the fathers cared, worried and feared the same as the mom's and other females I see on here. But as I said, it just struck me this morning at the majority of us writing here are women. Most of the men I see who post on here are recovering addicts/alcoholics. So I really just wondered. I guess maybe it has alot to do with how women communicate and share their emotions more freely than men.

ex D-Boy

Theres no love or bond stronger than between a Mother and her Child. It is truly unconditional.

When i was out dealing // banging dope my dad wrote me off pretty quick and just said '"let me know when you get your **** together and stop acting like a f***** moron" Its not that he didn't care. that was just his way of handling it

pjbs55

At my Nar-Anon meeting we have some men who come every week. They have said that they just don't express themselves like women, their thinking is that Mom's are more emotional and have a stronger bond with their children. One said that he could walk away faster than his wife but he never stopped loving their addict or caring.

wenchris

I think it is harder for Dad's to stop, just stop, before they react. My husband always said NO right away, I always said NO less and took longer to decide if NO was the answer to our children's requests. But also, I did not change my mind. I also see Dad just getting so angry and crying alone afterwards. Sometimes it is hard for men to see that anger is a secondary response and the underlying sadness or frustration that makes us angry is the primary part that anger allows us to surpress. Does this make sense? The Dad's are here but they do not express themselves the way the Mom's might.

Spiritual Seeker

My husband is good at compartmentalizing (is that a word ? )
He has two sons plus my son who his stepson.
When he is around them or asked to he is right there offering, doing or supporting as needed. But he has no co-dependency and carries on with his life.
I know co-dependency can be extreme but to some extent a certain amt. is part of
the mother genetic code.

When my husband is on the internet he is looking at sport info, news, etc
Just as when he talks with friends it is more superficial. I can't imagine him calling a friend or chatting about his kids. Just not in his nature.
However, he has many other qualities that I admire.

The sexes are def. differently wired.

Abundance

I talk with my abf's mom more than father. Sometimes I will talk with him though, but I get the feeling he is ready to get off the phone pretty quick. And when they are both on the line together... and the mom and I are going off in our nurturing tangents and analyzing things... he is at that point excusing himself from the conversation! Yeah... i think it's a sex thing!

rahsue

When we found out my son was taking drugs, both my husband and myself starting dealing with it very differently and because of this we started to argue, then one day we decided that this addiction was not going to destroy the great marriage we have and we started dealing with it in our own way and not argue that the other one is "doing it wrong", now a days I have come to terms alot better than my husband and he wants to know how I'm doing it and I am telling him the things I do and think. He doesn't want anything to do with meetings or even to be on the computer he just wants me to tell him how it's done I find myself telling him sometimes and other times I just give him the I love you but f--k you smile.

Chino

We had a few private counseling sessions at my daughter's rehab. My son and husband both were about to climb the walls and honestly so was I. Nothing wrong with the counselor, she knew her business, but she sometimes took forever to get to the point, at least for us. We didn't need or want a bunch of examples or descriptive phrases but thats how her brain works.

When I told my husband and son the definition of enabling without examples they understood just fine. When I told them about making clear boundaries they needed one example, not a five minute discussion.

I'm pretty sure that's why neither one of them wants to attend meetings. They don't want to talk about it they want to do it, so I gave them the binder from rehab and said here you go!

mooselips

brentsgirl,
I sure can't speak for all fathers, but Mr. Moose is a kind of "stoic" guy.
Not a touchy-feely fella, and not one to share too much... And he sure isn't, wasn't, couldn't ever be a Codependent...

And I think us gals deal with our emotions in a pretty straight forward way when speaking on a forum. One mom hurts and I, for one, can sure identify with the pain.

Ann

My husband is neither codie nor A, and the poor soul had to live with my son and I at our worst for a long time. He is a spiritual man and trusts God to take care of things and shares with me when he feels a need to.

He's not a "group sharing" kinda guy either, but more of a one-on-one with me or a friend. He supports my recovery and reads much of my reading material and that's about all he needs to stay grounded. Lucky man.