Seagrl7

Yes I'm a Mom of a 19 yr old AD.

Yes I go to Nar Anon every Thursday evening.

Yes I am working the 12 steps and understand and truly believe the 3 C's of Codependency (I didn't cause this, I can't control this and I can't cure this) but...

I awoke Saturday night out of a sound sleep to sound of my AD screaming out "Mommy!". My fears hit me hard and I wept over my AD as I fear something horrible happened to her.

Can I change that? No.
Can I instantly find out of my fears are true? No.
Can I get over the terror of fearing she is dead? No.
But... can I go on and find some joy in my own life? Somehow yes I can.

I have found some inner peace knowing the 3 C's. They are like a warm blanket wrapping me up when I'm very very cold.

Although I've shed a few tears this morning over my worry I've lost her.

I also know that today is a new day in my life and I have many blessings so...

I'm asking God to keep her safe, keep her alive and to encircle her but the funny thing is...

that is all I can do and I'm trying to find my inner power to walk this earth fearing the worst for my child.

As I keep saying, Drugs Suck!

Life can't as its the only life I have!

Yeah yeah yeah, I'm trying hard to convince myself of this. Just like the rest of you. All we can do is try.

Thanks for listening.

hope213

i am glad you have chosen to join our group. my son is the addict in my life. he is 38 & has been on alcohol & drugs since he was 17. he choose not to change. i found s.r. & only then did i know i could not change him. i have worked this program very hard. it has saved my sanity. he is now in jail waiting to be sentenced in 3 different counties. he will be trailed as habitual with at lot of time. my heart hurts for him & all of us that love him. keep coming back & know we all have been where you are. learn to take care of you. it is not easy but we r here to walk with you. you can have a life that is not wrapped up in total thoughts of your daughter. you just have to work at it. i am sorry u are going thru this. hugs & prayers,

patchoulli

wow...I understand exactly as do we all. It can consume you...You can only take care of you...sounds like you have the tools to do that...that is such a gift...thank you for your post....Marian

marle

I have had the exact same thing happen to me. It can really shake you to the core. And I have felt the exact same thing that you have and I still do. Taking care of you and making your life good is your job. Your daughter has to do the same. Last night my daughter had a mini meltdown (she is early in recovery)in which she said that something I said made it impossible for her to have a good life, to which I replied "You can have any kind of life that YOU choose." Hugs, Marle

mooselips

Seagrl,
It seems the longer I am in recovery, the less those scary moments occur for me. Occasionally, especially when I get a "bad" phone call, or hear news of my AS, it triggers those bad thoughts and dreams, to start cycling.

But like you, I agree we have to keep marching to the 12 steps, and have trust our AD's and AS's H.P. is watching over them.


Hugs,

grateful2b

yes, I have as well...
and of course there is the awfulizing that can follow....
I understand and I am with you Seagrl...
I am sorry you are struggling..this path we walk is so challenging and not for the faint of heart, but thank God there are tools that allow us to move forward with some grace...sounds like you are doing the work you need to..
all we can do is take care of us, and allow them to do the same...
:ghug3

Jody Hepler

Yes I still have them and both ASs are sober. In fact, the one I always worried the most about - for the last 20 years - is now sober and doing well.
My insanity: I had left him two messages, he hadn't returned my call - and my mind jumped to, I bet he is using again!!!

No, he was just busy at work. And he said called me he said "what's wrong with you Mom, you sound awful" but I didn't have to go into my insanity. And just thanked him for calling.

But those moments are very rare - and don't last as long - and I can laugh at myself.

Love in recovery,
Jody Hepler