sleepygoat

After that phone call on Sat night with my AD's bf I got more and more and more depressed and felt that 500lb weight back on my shoulders, and then the constant tears....

By tuesday I was unable to function, unable to think, unable to sleep - just crying and wanting to die, wanting to 'use' to make it stop.

I took myself to my old psychiatrists office (no appointment) and just blubbered at her. she thought I should go into the hospital.
she doesn't have a hospital affiliation - only a private practice, so she sent me to the Psych ER at a nearby hospital for evaluation.

Spent 5 harrowing hours there - alone on a gurney basically, listening to the insanity around me and crying, crying, crying... by then I wanted to go home and they wouldn't let me (they took my clothes).

I was finally evaluated and they said I "don't fit the criteria for emergency hospitalization". Translation: I'm not really suicidal because I don't have "a plan", and being a clean addict who wants to use to make the pain stop does not constitute "wanting to hurt myself" according to them.

so I went home. started on my old antidepressant lexapro- its been nearly 3 years without it. Hate the side effects. (actually started it myself on tuesday morning, before showing up at old shrink). It kicked in 36 hours later (Wednesday night) and the tears stopped like turning off a faucet - BAM! I hate this numbing lack of emotions i get with the SSRI's but realize i need it for now if I want to stay clean, function, and get thru the day. Unfortunately I still have the thoughts running in my head. The feelings are just muted or dimmed. Also got a referal to therapist. My sponsor and friends and husband have been very supportive these past few days, thank God

I am not doing well with this no contact from my AD, this total rejection by her, this whole darn thing. I am sooooo tired. 2 years of this up and down stuff, I think a lot of my despair was just not seeing it ever changing and wanting out of the pain. I want a different kid, a different life. I'm all for 'letting go' but I've yet to hear anyone tell me what to do with the pain that i still have all the while I was putting the focus on me and taking care of me.... Jogging, hiking, shopping, reading, writing poetry, getting my hair done, all this good stuff the past month- but the pain never left me.

Impurrfect

(((sleepy)))

I wish I could say or do something to make you feel better.

Sending you hugs and prayers. I know, when I'm struggling, it helps a little to know people care.

Amy

patchoulli

Hi honey... It does get better, the heartbreak can crush the life out of you...literally. I remember being where you describe more than once. This may sound kooky[what a surprise], I actually get on my knees on the side of my bed and talk out loud to god. I remember doing it quite often at times in my life that I felt so helpless and without hope. Pray for your daughter, Pray for yourself, thank him for the good, say "thy will be done,not mine" and let it go...repeat as often as you have to [its free] You can keep it if you really want to, but it won't help her...just make you nutz....Get to a meeting, get to as many as you can...When I was where you are, I sometimes went to 3 in one day...I had to, I truly lost my mind...I remember going to my first meeting and I wasnt even able to talk...just sob...I do understand...Big Fat Hugs to you...Im saying a prayer for you right now...Love Marian

peaceteach

(((Sleepy)))

Prayers for you that you find a peaceful moment today in your sadness and worry.

Your honesty and agony are expressed so beautifully here. What a gift to be able to write so well! Do you journal? You definitely should because your ability to make others feel what you are feeling is powerful.

bookmiser

(((((((((Sleepygoat)))))))))



I'm sorry your in such pain lately. I know it must have been
so frustrating to go to the hospital, only to be turned away.
My son has done this a few times. He has no insurance, so
I believe that's why they wouldn't keep him. I don't get it.
Just a couple of days of "rest" from the world. A place where
you can talk to others who understand and get the compassion
and support you need, before heading out into the world again.
It'd be nice if we all could just step out "life" for a time-out,
recharge mentally, and gear up for more. Ya know?
Surround yourself with those you love and trust to hang with
you and help you over this hump. If I were close, I'd be at your
door in a heartbeat.
Your loved, Sleepy. Remember that.
Love,
Linda


A prayer to give to God....


Lord,

Keep my path straight. I've become easily distracted, but I want
to stay on track. I pray that You will bring people into my life who
will guide me when I do step off the intended route or become
fascinated by the wrong map. Nudge me with ideas and things
I read. Fill my mind with whatever it takes to steer me toward
wisdom.
My prayer today is for purity. Save me from the clutter and mess
that taints my viewpoint. I want to be free and willing to embrace
the hope of my future.
Amen.

BBD

Hi Sleepgoat, I know exactly how you feel. We are in the beginnings of not hearing from our son. He was doing so well and then started cocaine again. He is off somewhere and I have no clue where..It's so heartbreaking not knowing whats up .......so I do feel your pain and just hope that we can handle tomorrow. I'm sorry your so sad. The years of worry do catch up with us all but we do have to be strong, take care of yourselves and go on. I just wish life could e perfect but whoever said life was easy. I have stopped my antidepressant also and am afriad in the weeks ahead I may need it aslo. BOY~~I do wish we all lived closer together cause a cup of coffee and a ftf hug would really be great!! Hang in ther esweety~~~ Smiles, Bonnie

marle

Sending hugs and prayers your way. It is hard but the only person that we can affect any change in is ourselves. Your daughter may be lost now but it does not mean she will be lost forever. I never thought my daughter would give up the free drugs and the do nothing lifestyle but she has for now and is in a good, safe place. I am dealing with a whole other set of emotions and trying just to take things "one day at a time." Don't give up hope but don't let your life be controlled by what your daughter is doing or not doing. Life is too short and precious for that. Hugs, Marle

mooselips

(((Sleepygoat)))
I hope you're feeling better soon. My husband takes Cymbalta, and it doesn't seem to have the same side effects. Although I'm not a physician, maybe you could ask your Dr. if you could give it a try, unless you already have.

As for your daughter and lack of contact...gosh starnge as this seems, sometimes I pray my AS WON"T contact me. My motto is no news is good news. (I sure do like to hear from him though if he's having an extended sober time, he has a wonderful personality.)

But, then again, I know nothing of mother-daughter relationships, since I only have sons.

My personal experience is the detaching and heartache gets a little better with time, and faith.
The pain, everytime there is another problem, doesn't diminish much.

Hugs to you..

caileesnana

I too suffer w/ depression and it gets worse w/ situations. There are many new, different meds for depression w/o side effects. Talk w/ your doctor.

I have said all the things you have said, it hurts so bad and the hole seems to be unfillable. As hard as it is, focus on you. That is the only thing we can change!

thoughts and prayers are with you,
susan

beegee

You must try to remember that your daughter is not rejecting you, she loves you deep down inside. It is her drugs of choice who are rejecting you. Someone here told me that a few days ago and it helped me. The pain of feeling lost, rejected, used just feeling lost is so great but you have many people here to hug you and be there for you and help you through this. YOU ARE NOT ALONE! ((HUGS))

grateful2b

(((((Sleepy))))

I am glad you are back on meds , good to have that support right now.... good news about the therapist!
....when I was deep in my despair a few years back during the horror years (AD living on the street, doing heavy drugs, wouldn't hear from her of her for long periods), I spent a year crying, mourning and then I spent a year in therapy...
Sleepy, it helped me so much...my heart aches for you, I understand...and I know you will get on the other side of this...
big, big mom hugs and prayers, grateful

hello-kitty

Wishing you serenity and peace. God bless.

Josie

(((Sleepy))) I hear you.

I wish I had a magic wand to take the pain away.

Lobo

I am right there with you Sleepy. I also wish someone would tell me how to get rid of the pain. I try and I push forward and I keep myself busy. I do many things for myself. But the dreaded PAIN never ever goes away. I eat, sleep, breath, and work with it. No matter what I do it is always there. I read what others have to say on here and I look at myself like I am a failure at all of this. Others seem to be able to detach and be happy with their lives. Why can't I? What is it that I am doing different? I've been doing this for 7 yrs. and it never gets any easier for me.

Everyone says take care of YOU. I do, and still not feeling it. I just sometimes wonder if it is just that some of us just can't get it. I have been through hell with my daughter.
I feel like I am teetering on the edge all of the time.

I wish someone had answers, but I don't think anyone really does. I think alll we can do is commiserate together. Just knowing you are not alone helps.

Pray, pray, pray.................Lo

ctrom40

((Sleepygoat)))

I wish you peace.
I wish you serenity.
I wish we could hit the fast forward button for those things.

Please take care of yourself.

Hugs,
:praying

havehope

Sending more prayers your way for peace in your head and heart. I have a 21 yr daughter who I haven't seen/spoken to since Christmas. I have had some really bad days in trying to deal with the pain. After those bad days I can usually see what triggered it.
Now I can say that I have more good/OK days than those bad ones, but those bad days really take their toll on me.
I pray that you soon will have more good days than bad ones.
Never give up on you or your daughter
More Mom Hugs coming your way!

grateful2b

(((((LO)))))

aww, when I talk about the 'hell years' and the pain, I am referring to a time when I was constantly in pain, oh my lord....now it is so much more manageble, but i still have 'those' days every now and then.. I don't know if there is anyone here who is able to detach and be happy with their lives, quote unquote, while their children are still addicted....it has been a really long time too, and I am just so tired of it....I am just better now at the boundaries and putting it where it needs to be to stay sane but it still hurts. and Lo, you are not a failure
grateful

Chino

It doesn't go away with detachment either, it just becomes manageable.

Our loved ones have a wretched disease they must manage for the rest of their lives and if we didn't feel some kind of pain associated with that, we don't have a pulse.

My dad's diabetes that ultimately claimed his life after several strokes, heart attacks, congestive heart failure, an amputation... that caused me sorrow as it should because I loved him.

But when he snuck sugar laden candy in his house, ate a bunch of carbs or didn't exercise, I didn't allow his actions to rule my emotions. No way in hell I caused his diabetes, controlled it, or could cure it. I told him you know better and that was it. Drawing a parallel between his disease and my RAD's helped me cope and still does.

I'm ordering up a round of serenity for everyone. The best part is I know it's on the house

Spiritual Seeker

(((Sleepygoat)))
Someone I know through Al-anon was in a similar situation.
Her depression related to her addicted/bipolar son.
She checked into a treatment center for one month for depression. She has been out
about a month and seems so much better and says it helped her tremendously.
I see great change in her with regards to her reaction or should I say non-reaction to her son.
Not an emergency facility, therefore she met the criteria.
PM me if you want more details.

Striking a balance in our lives is important. I think it is great you understood the danger you are in and that you are reaching out for help.

May you find your way out of the darkness and into the light...