beegee

I am new here and so happy to have found some support. My adult daughter has been using for many years apparently. I have know for the past three years and have enabled her by being there. Always believing she was going to stop this time, but never doing so. Throwing her out did no good either.
This last time she came to me begging to let her in, no place to stay, no job.
I let her come in.
She cleaned out my bank accounts, maxed up my cards and here I sit wondering what the heck is wrong with me that I believe her. Now I have just come home from the hospital after having major surgery and I needed her help to get around, to help me for once and I find out she quit her job again, spent all her money on drugs and mine too.

I am so heartbroken and disappointed in her but this time I almost feel hate as much as I love her. Is that possible? I thought the program she was doing was helping her because she said she wanted to stop that she wasn't an ad. And she could control it, but maybe that wasn't true either.
Her sister came and got her and found out about a rehab place that will take her for a month and she wants to go. I am reading here that these places don't work? Is this just another heartbreak waiting to happen in a month? I just don't know what to think anymore.
Who an talk about this to just anyone? I hide it from people here, they think she is just a wonderful beautiful woman helping me, such a good daughter. And I wish I could say your right she is, but inside I know I am living a nightmare with her.
Then yesterday or the day befor I managed to get up and sit at the computer and fouf this site. And today I came back and I will start reading and writing and learning from all of you who have been here. Till now I have carried this alone. Thank you for listening. bg

kay1234

beegee,
Glad you found this site, the people here are wonderful and have a lot of great advice. I don't think I can give you much advice, but I can tell you I know how you feel. I am still struggling with the enabling part, in my heart it is hard for me to detach from my son becuase I feel like I am deserting him. He too took all my money this last time and took off for a week at a time. It is the hardest thing to not know if they are alive or dead and dreading that phone call. He too is going back into a treatment facility...I wish you the best of luck, and I will be praying for you and your family. Like I said I don't have much advice but if you need someone to talk to I am here...

MsPINKAcres

Welcome to our SR family -

It is a very sad thing when our loved ones are being controlled by the disease of addiction. The person that we love and know that they could be - as much as we try to help them - they are unable to be that person. The disease won't let them. This is my understanding of addiction.

Yes, many fail to get the help the need at rehabs. Is it the rehabs fault? not necessarily, sometimes it is because the A is not ready to accept help. Does treatment/rehab help? Yes, many are successful in starting their path on recovery thru rehabs. There are many factors. What the A does after rehab is key to their recovery.

For us, my recovery has taught me that I must focus on myself. Thru al-anon, SR, reading recovery literature, working with others and contact with the God of my understanding I am learning to live a better way. Is it helping the A's in my life? I don't know - but it sure is helping me. Does it still hurt to have an AH & and AD? yes. But it doesn't control & ruin my life anymore.

Wishing you Serenity & Joy,
Rita

grateful2b

Hi Beegee,
I responded to your thread in the new to recovery forum. Glad you made it over here...
It has been an 8 year journey for me with my AD..

My sanity is relative to how detached with love I am from her disease. I have
been in my own recovery through Alanon and this blessed forum. I needed to take care of me , focus on me, and heal me...and out of that I have seen a way to have my life and find a role in hers that does not enable her, but rather, provides a clear and loving mirror, and a source of support when she is 'ready' .The truth is though that no matter how much recovery I have , it is not easy and painful at times...it is what it is..


She would often talk, in between binging, about quitting , but continued to abuse, and I told her a year ago, 'that there is a wonderful counsellor at the community centre who would be a good fit for you'..( she will not do AA, had some bad experiences, she says) I just keep putting that out there periodically when she would 'talk' and the rest of the time I just turn it over to her HP and pray...

Yesterday, after a particularly bad night of using drugs /alcohol,she came to me and said she needed to stop using...I said what is your plan? she said she didn't know . I mentioned the counsellor again. this time it took.....she went to the centre and saw a counsellor and applied for counselling with this particular counsellor that I have been talking about for a year.

This is hopeful, and a babystep in the journey but a huge step for her..and I continue to pray because that is all I can do...it is up to her..

Beegee, I just want you to know, there is always hope...this is a marathon, not a sprint, though. does rehab help? I think that is up to the individual. I believe it works if you work it, like anything else.
I went through all the feelings you are experiencing right now. Try and remember that it is the disease talking when she behaves badly towards you...try not to take it personally, your beautiful daughter is still, deep down ,in there behind the addiction. There is a mourning period for us on this journey, mourning the loss of who our children were to us, what we dreamed for them , and your love/hate feelings I think are normal..you need and deserve to focus on you and give youself the space to feel all of these feelings, own them, in order to move through and forward on this journey to some acceptance about the reality of her addiction in her life, something you have no control over. You didn't cause it, you can't control it , you can't cure. this is hers to fix..

I hope you are able to get some support and help as you heal from your surgery, nice to have you here,hugs and prayers, grateful

cmc

Hi beegee,
I went through much of the same when my son was active in his addiction. After things became unbearable for 'me' I sought outside help in counseling, Alanon and by coming here. Parents of addicted kids are the only ones who will ever fully understand, and thankfully are jmo the only ones who could lead me out of the chaos that was threatening my sanity, health and finances.

I was just going to add that the sticky thread called "Let Me Fall" would be helpful to you right now...but I saw that you have just read it and replied over there.

I'm so grateful today that my son has decided to live his life clean and sober, it's been over two years now. What keeps me coming to Alanon and SR is 1. my own need of recovery and 2. to share my experience, strength & hope with others who are hurting.

caileesnana

Welcome to SR. I am a mother of 24 AD. It is the hardest thing to do and there is no instructions.

Read the stickey's, our old posts, and keep coming back. We understand and you are not alone.

susan

lostparent

Hello Welcome to SR glad God helped you find your way here. My 22yr old daughter is the addict in my life.This place an the wonderful people that come here have helped me keep my sanity. There is so much good advice an support from people that understand what your feeling. Not just the parents, spouses, boy/girlfriends, brothers,sisters,aunts,an uncles but also some WONDERFUL recovering addicts that share their stories to help us understand how our addicts think.

BBD

Hi beegee~~I, along witrh many other mothers have done the exact thing you have. My son went into rehab volunterily last summer, came out and was doing wonderfully. Just this past few weeks I noticed a change in him~~and yup!! He's back to using. Makes me so sad but this time I'm stepping aside and not helping him at all. I have been going to counciling for about a year now and its really helped. Maybe you could contact someone through Social Services in your area. First I talked to a drug councilor so I could understand the mind of a user~~then I worked with someone for myself. I was so darn codepentant and had no clue how much I was hurting the situation instead of helping. OUCH!!!! I'm glad you found this site. It's great and you will learn alot. Everyone is always here to help and love...Smiles, Bonnie

Spiritual Seeker

IMHO (In my humble opinion )
I would not let my addicted son live with me if he was stealing or using.
He is 24. He has moved home two times in the last 5 yrs. and both times I had to have
him leave. For three reasons:
(1) I can't live or function in chaos, insanity or the risk of theft. It is insane when I am hiding all my valuables and forgetting where everything is or afraid to leave my son home alone.

(2) I know that I can't enable him or have a front row seat to self-destruction. He regressed ea. time he came home and acted like a teen. To seek recovery they have to see - for themselves - that their life is unmanageble. I had to get out of the picture for that to happen.
(3) I must take care of myself. I must have boundaries and my home must
be peaceful and safe.

I wanted my son to be there for me...but it was only wishful thinking.
I can't argue with reality.

So sorry for your struggle. For a long time your daughter hasn't changed. You can only change what you can and that is yourself. Put the focus on your own life.
Sometimes when we become healthy we see a shift in those around us.

beegee

Kay, Thank you for your time. It is good to know I am not alone but also sad to know you are feeling the same heartbreak and worry. I think this place will help to see what we don't want to see. I believe experience is the best teacher because they have been there. I hope to talk with you later on. Prayers for you and family also ans stay strong as you can. bg

beegee

Rita, I really hadn't thought about the disease controlling my daughter (that I know) but it does make sense that way also, I mean I just think drugs. I hope with all my heart that she will make the best of this rehab but time will tell and I hope to be stronger by the time I find out. I am glad you are finding more peace. God Bless

beegee

Thank you Greatful 2b, You write so beautiful it brought tears to my eyes. You know that you are not alone but yet with each note my heart breaks to the parents who are living with this. My D would never talk to me about her feelings or the drugs. She was in denial for a long time to me. She was doing the 12 step but she did tell me she never talked because she is to shy. I hope that your daughter does well with the man you spoke of at the center. It would be a wonderful gift to see her suceed and only time will tell, I hope the baby steps lead to giant steps for you. Bless you and hugs to you.

beegee

CMC, Yes I read that "Let me Fall and others, they seem to say a lot. Thank you for wanting to mention it. It is so good to hear of your son having two years behind him. I am thrilled for you and him. I can't even emagin what a good feeling that is.
You have much courage and strength to come as far as you have for yourself and your son. I wish you well and many years of good things to come.

beegee

Hi Lostparent, I think you are right about being here and finding this place. I already feel like I am not alone. I read someplace online a poem from an AD and she told it hard like it was to her mom. I lie, I steal, I cheat, I tell you anything you want to hear just to get my way yada yada. I just about died when I first saw that but over time I see she is my daughter also and yours and others. I hope to get that eye opener here also to help me see my way.

beegee

Bonnie I am so sorry to hear about your son. (HUGS) I am sure you must be broken. I am happy to know you have had so much help to know this entire mess. I worry how strong I will stay or how many heart breaks I can deal with or want to deal with. Right now I have so much going on and I am trying to think about me first and my recovery and walking again. You stay strong and I hope we talk again. beegee

beegee

I have had a lot of wishful thinking for sure. Right now she must go in for a week everyday and be tested clean, then they will give her a bed after a week. I agree with everything you said, I just wasn't strong enough to know better then. I do hope I will be ans she knows I will be this time. Your lucky, you have things to hide, most of my things were sold I guess, even my moms paintings I had given her. No more, I don't want that again.

Impurrfect

(((Beegee)))

I'm glad you found us! I'm a recovering addict and a recovering codie.

I can't imagine how hard it is to step aside and let your daughter find her way. I DO know, however, that it is the best thing to do. I never stole from my family (I lived 2 hours away and stayed away because of the shame/guilt) but I certainly put them through he!!. It was only when I got in deep enough, got locked up and they said "we can't and won't get you out of this" that I sought recovery. I didn't do it right at first...stayed clean but kept the addict thinking. I relapsed. Then I sought recovery.

Some addicts have to do rehab more than once..some several times. Even though it seems "it didn't work", it still gives us knowledge and tools to use when we really want recovery. I still remember things that were said to me when I was in IOP years ago...only now, I'm putting the action behind what I learned.

Don't give up hope, but learn to take everything day by day. I was a really, really bad crack addict...was told over and over again that I'd never get away from it. I did and my life is so much better, despite dealing with a lot of consequences I'm having to face from when I used.

As far as trying to understand why the addict does or says when they're active? You never will. I did/said things that I thought were totally logical at the time and today I can't believe what I did. I know I did it, but my mind was absolutely, totally focused on getting/staying high.

Another thing...don't ever think that your daughter doesn't love you. An addiction literally takes your brain and body for hostage. We are not in our right minds when we are using. We don't think about the consequences, who we are hurting, etc. If we do, we are usually so overwhelmed with guilt and shame that we quickly get high again so we don't have to feel the feelings.

Her addiction has nothing to do with how much she loves you or whether you were a good mother or not. I was raised by 2 very loving and supportive parents. I was warned that we had "addiction genes" on both sides of my family. I had a nursing degree and knew all the dangers and warning signs. I still became an addict.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

patchoulli

Hi BeeGee...Im so glad you found us...You are in the right place...Read the stickies on top , over and over, thats why they are there. When I found this site, I found a home that I can come to and leave and come home again...EVERY PERSON HERE KNOWS WHAT YOU ARE TALKING ABOUT. It is about taking care of you and the real gift you will find here is HOPE... Bless you, Keep coming back...Marian

grateful2b

just want to add, beegee, that 'now' we have some communication...we were always very close before addiction found her..
then I went through years of no communication with her, years full of horror stories and when there was any, it was in the form of abuse; verbal and sometimes physical...

I went into recovery (flaming codie here ) and I changed...learned to get out of the way among other things...lately she has slowly been shifting in response to that...baby steps but little bits of progress here and there...by focusing on me and not her, I have made it safe for her to come and share some of her truth....

Like SS says.."sometimes when we become healthy, we see the shift in those around us"
hugs,grateful

beegee

Oh Amy Thank you so much for sharing that with me. I think I needed to hear she does love me from someone else. And I want to have hope and believe what she says without so much doubt inside. I only know she does coke when she uses, not sure of anything else. You know when I came home last week from the hospital and she left, she did tell me when she did get back home that she was afraid I would know what she did as soon as I checked my bank on line, and that is also why she didn't answer the phone because she knew I would be crying. I admire you and your honesty. ((Hugs))