Custody
A Brand New Life
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2008
Posts: 287
Custody
Would an addict marry you just to divorce you and get custody of your child? He is really pushing marriage before baby comes and the deadline is a month. I feel like there is way to much pressure for me to jump into this when he is still using pills, help...:wtf2
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
Addicts behave in a thousand weird ways, with all these strange rationalizations.
All you can do is follow your gut. Please do that. Is your world going to come to a crashing stop if you don't marry him now now now? Do you really want to marry an active addict, not even in recovery? Read around a bit on this forum if you'd like to hear some stories of women who did that and would do anything to go back and un-do it.
All the secretive stuff, the inability to support himself, the drugs, this makes him a good potential husband...... HOW?
There is time later to marry when it feels 100% right.
All you can do is follow your gut. Please do that. Is your world going to come to a crashing stop if you don't marry him now now now? Do you really want to marry an active addict, not even in recovery? Read around a bit on this forum if you'd like to hear some stories of women who did that and would do anything to go back and un-do it.
All the secretive stuff, the inability to support himself, the drugs, this makes him a good potential husband...... HOW?
There is time later to marry when it feels 100% right.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
I agree, trust your instinct. If he is an active addict, he is incapable of the commitment and responsibility it takes to be a father and husband, sadly.
Please take care of yourself and that baby.
Hugs
Please take care of yourself and that baby.
Hugs
get it, give it, grow in it
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Calif coast
Posts: 3,167
Never take the advice of an addict.
He is his actions not his words.
If having a wife and baby motivate him to sober up ...let him do it.
In the meantime, You have more rights unmarried - I would think.
Is this the man you want your baby to spend every other weekend with???????????
Wishful thinking is not helpful here.
Take your time to know.
When the baby is born see what kind of MAN and Dad he is willing to be.
He is his actions not his words.
If having a wife and baby motivate him to sober up ...let him do it.
In the meantime, You have more rights unmarried - I would think.
Is this the man you want your baby to spend every other weekend with???????????
Wishful thinking is not helpful here.
Take your time to know.
When the baby is born see what kind of MAN and Dad he is willing to be.
Last edited by Spiritual Seeker; 06-10-2008 at 07:39 PM. Reason: spell
Member
Join Date: May 2005
Posts: 1,691
If in doubt, don't. That is one of my favorite sayings of recovery. Please trust your gut on this one. Raising a child is such an important thing - raising one with an active addict is a recipe for disaster.
Addicts can be very manipulative and make lots of promises to get what they want. Be aware of all the ramifications of marrying him. and how That binds you in many ways to someone who may or may not ever seek recovery.
The fact that you are questioning marrying him is a good reason to just pause. Marriage is a big commitment and is challenging under the best of circumstances - with an addict it is almost guaranteed to fail. Establishing a track record of sobriety is an action that takes time. In a month, it would be difficult for him to do that.
Only you know what is best for you and your circumstances. Keep posting and reading through all the different posts - especially "wonderful man with a horrible problem". There is a lot of anguish in trying to raise children in the presence of addiction.
I know that it is hard and it's easy to get confused about what is the best thing to do. You've got plenty of time to see how it all plays out. My RAH really really pushed marriage and made lots of promises on how it would all turn out. I wish that I had had the strength to withstand his pressures and see whether he would do the next right thing - vs just believing that he would.
Hang in there. Hugs
Addicts can be very manipulative and make lots of promises to get what they want. Be aware of all the ramifications of marrying him. and how That binds you in many ways to someone who may or may not ever seek recovery.
The fact that you are questioning marrying him is a good reason to just pause. Marriage is a big commitment and is challenging under the best of circumstances - with an addict it is almost guaranteed to fail. Establishing a track record of sobriety is an action that takes time. In a month, it would be difficult for him to do that.
Only you know what is best for you and your circumstances. Keep posting and reading through all the different posts - especially "wonderful man with a horrible problem". There is a lot of anguish in trying to raise children in the presence of addiction.
I know that it is hard and it's easy to get confused about what is the best thing to do. You've got plenty of time to see how it all plays out. My RAH really really pushed marriage and made lots of promises on how it would all turn out. I wish that I had had the strength to withstand his pressures and see whether he would do the next right thing - vs just believing that he would.
Hang in there. Hugs
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Virginia , US
Posts: 98
Originally Posted by whereami 
Would an addict marry you just to divorce you and get custody of your child? He is really pushing marriage before baby comes and the deadline is a month. I feel like there is way to much pressure for me to jump into this when he is still using pills, help...:wtf2
I have been with my abf or is it ex abf , anyways Ive been with him for 15 years. Im glad I didnt get married. Oh so glad I didnt do that. We had gotten enganged. Well the engagment ring is now sitting next to his side of the bed in my jererwly case where he could look at it every day. Do you think he cares? Not sure , he sure dosnt act like it. Didnt even ask me about it. I refuse to wear it . He also has a pill problem or should I say addiciton. We have a 8 month old duaghter toghther.
So it make it easier for me to leave without being married... If your married someone told me , and I would have to check this info , but that your partner could take out a credit card in your name and you may never know about it. That kind of thing. I know a couple of people whos spouces have done that. One of which has been divorced for 2 years now and is still paying off the debt that her ex husband took out in her name. There wasnt anythign that she could do about it. So those are the kinds of thigns that I would be looking at. Marriege is just a peice of paper . I would think that if you really wanted to marry this person that you would have no second thoughts....
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
katiedid has a good point, whereami:
When you're married, you're responsible for him financially.
In many states if he runs up debts, or takes out joint credit cards or loans or whatever, you can be held responsible for half of it.
Sure you want to do that with an active addict? Ruined credit, bankruptcy? Been there, done that.
Be very careful with you & the baby. Bare your teeth and protect it.
When you're married, you're responsible for him financially.
In many states if he runs up debts, or takes out joint credit cards or loans or whatever, you can be held responsible for half of it.
Sure you want to do that with an active addict? Ruined credit, bankruptcy? Been there, done that.
Be very careful with you & the baby. Bare your teeth and protect it.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Posts: 472
JMO If you marry him now, you will just be overloading yourself with more problems, more doubts and more questions. Not to mention his financial responsibilties, his drug friends, etc. An addict will tell you what they think you want to hear and not mean a word of it, just manipulate you. Stop and think what you want out of life and what is truly best for you and your child.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Virginia , US
Posts: 98
Another thing that I would like to add. Im not married. But we had a couple of accounts (credit cards) and then I had some of my own. Granted not all of the debt that was on there was his fualt , but at least 80-90 percent was his debt. Also had a jiont bank account for at least 5-7 years , everything went smoothly with that account , credit card payments were being kept up with ... Then all of a sudden , hes bouncing at least 200-300 $ worth of ( and this is just the bounced check fee of 25 $ a pop. ) at least every month. I told him if it didnt stop that I would get my own checking account, He told me if I did that then the relationship was over. Go figure. Sure wished I new of the drug problem then . So eventually thats what I did got my own bank account . This would have went on longer if I had left my name on that account. My checks get directly deposited. Anyways then he started using the credit cards to pay all this stuff. Well you can see where this is going. I had to file for Bankrupcty . Even after I moved my account to a differnet bank , his name not on it. He called the truck people and had them take a payment out of my account with out my permission. Can you believe that! I called my bank and they could not reverse the charges. By the way it caused the house payment to bounce. I called the bank who owned the truck and explained the situation , well of course there was nothing they could do unless I wanted to file charges. Of course I didnt file charges. But he got one hell of an a@@ chewing. He didnt think there was anything wrong with this. I told him next time this happened then I would press charges. Well then he started using my debit card. At first he was being responsiable. Then 25$ would be withdrawn here and 50 $ here , of course he always had a good reason/explanation of were the money went. Next thing you know he was clearing my account out in 2-4 days ! Im talking atleast 400-600$ So he dosnt use my debit card anymore. I was enabling him and didnt even realize it. It dosnt happem any more. He was still trying to do this when the baby came. The thing is your always going to be second to his drug addiciton. His DOC is his first and only love. Also would like to add that I told him so many times not to withdraw money out of my account. I didnt even know how to do this! He sure figured it out.The ATM just to clarify. And he was not authorized to use the card. I would think long and hard. I wish that his name wasnt on the house so I could kick his sorry butt out!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 3,335
Hi wheresami. The BEST and SMARTEST thing I ever did in my life was not marry the addict father of my child. Addicts make no sense. And they lie. The can't help it. It's just what they do. It's part of the sickness. It's up to you to be a wise adult and make smart choices for your childs future.
Addiction ONLY get progressively worse without treatment. And even then an addict may be beyond help. I doubt anyone in their right mind would ever tell you to marry an active addict.
Make wise decisions. You are the only parent who truly has your unborn childs best interest at heart. Addicts only have their own self interests at heart.
Addiction ONLY get progressively worse without treatment. And even then an addict may be beyond help. I doubt anyone in their right mind would ever tell you to marry an active addict.
Make wise decisions. You are the only parent who truly has your unborn childs best interest at heart. Addicts only have their own self interests at heart.
A Brand New Life
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2008
Posts: 287
I have a problem living with my mom, first of all no room the place is so crowded and its hot...these people dont believe in a/c ...also mom hates my ab and thinks I should have the baby here, how in the hell will I cope with a baby in a room the size of a dorm?
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Join Date: Mar 2008
Posts: 697
Babies don't need a lot of room when they are that tiny, but the heat is an issue if it gets too hot (imho.) If your mom wants you there and she's willing to get AC or a swamp cooler or something, consider it.
You can say no to him. Why would you ever marry someone just because they are pressuring you? You have a right to do whatever you please on this. And if you think he'd try to take custody after you married, then all the more reason not to (though that's a really weird weird weird reason for someone to get married, but I guess stranger things have happened.)
Lots of love and light to you.
You can say no to him. Why would you ever marry someone just because they are pressuring you? You have a right to do whatever you please on this. And if you think he'd try to take custody after you married, then all the more reason not to (though that's a really weird weird weird reason for someone to get married, but I guess stranger things have happened.)
Lots of love and light to you.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 3,335
I should have the baby here, how in the hell will I cope with a baby in a room the size of a dorm?
How far along are you?
After I had my baby my perspective got a lot clearer. I learned what really mattered. It wasn't how big my room was. The only thing that mattered was that my baby was healthy and safe. Zombiewife is right. The baby isn't going to need any room for a long time. They are 100% dependent on you for everything. They want to be close to you all the time. And thats how you will probably want it too.
A Brand New Life
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2008
Posts: 287
Well she is due at the end of July and I am doing better at my moms...still concerned about the space but I will start working again as soon as she is 6 weeks old. I am also concerned that he is still using as he is still talking to that girl 8 -10 texts a day and I heard that he didnt go into work on time. He isnt very relaiable and after almost a year of me paying my own way except rent I dont see how one month of a paycheck from him will fix things. His mom gave me money for a deposit in order to get us a rent house down here but no word back from the lady and he will be here in a week and a half...so much pressure and I am so scared...he says positive things but that wont help him find/keep a new job when we need him the most. I dont want to gamble with my little one...it may be hard but he may have to get a place and prove that he can support us before we move in. Is that selfish to do that right when she is born? Isnt it his fault for putting us in this predicament? Thanks for any advice...
the girl can't help it
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: splendraville
Posts: 5,599
Originally Posted by whereami
Isnt it his fault for putting us in this predicament?
A good "mind set" would be: " I got myself into this I will get myself out of it". You will get where you want to be much quicker the more you depend on yourself.
Take him to court and ask for child support I am sure they will help to enforce it.
Prayers and ((((BIGHUGS))))) going out for you
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 3,335
it may be hard but he may have to get a place and prove that he can support us before we move in. Is that selfish to do that right when she is born?
Think things through sweetie! You are responsible for a baby, no matter what the socalled "father" does. If he's not paying child support, then doubly so.
Isnt it his fault for putting us in this predicament?
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