my mom--long post

Old 06-09-2008, 08:32 PM
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my mom--long post

Some of you may have read my posts about my sister who had relapsed and then other posts about my mom and her negativity, attitude, etc.

Well, today I was over for a family dinner and to see my niece. My sister was fine, we interacted well, she was taking care of her daughter, etc. My mom on the other hand was really out of it. She kept saying she had a headache, didn't feel well, etc. I reminded her to keep hydrated (usually she's out of state during the summer heat to visit my grandma, but she hasn't left, yet.)

Anyway, long story short, but dad talked with my privately and told me my mom's been taking too many pain pills. I didn't comment, just said oh ok, thanks for letting me know. He was warning me of her behaviors lately. (Mom is an ACOA. My grandfather passed away from cirrhosis and liver cancer.)

I pray for them all, but especially my dad. He's doing everything he can to stay afloat and not ask me for help. No wonder my dad has pulled away from my mom. He's trying to detach. I'm caught in the middle because my mom gets upset with my dad and tries to talk to me about it.

Well, I guess I just needed to write and sort all of this out. I can't really do anything about any of this. Just keep putting one foot forward on my own path. I just feel so bad for my dad dealing with both my mom and sister in the house. This is where the guilt comes in a little for me. I want to be able to help my dad and fix everything, but I know I can't.
He just wants me to live my life and take care of myself, but I know he's hurting so much, too. He hears about it from my mom if him and I spend any time together, lunch, movie, etc. and then I feel I have to justify my time with both of them.

Sorry for rambling, just more of the same story of the disease.
I'll keep trying to do my best to stay healthy. Some days are just more difficult than others. I thought with time and practice it was supposed to get easier.
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Old 06-09-2008, 09:29 PM
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Wow, I'm so sorry. Maybe that explains some of her negativity. I've had to separate myself from a lot of my family because of the toxic stuff and it is always hard.
I'm sorry you are hurting because of this. Sending some love and light out to you...
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Old 06-09-2008, 09:55 PM
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Probably why I gravitated toward an alcoholic because I knew I couldn't fix my family. Thought I could help him instead. Little did I know, he would be what I needed to start recognzing things and start helping myself.
Unfortunately, with family members it's not as easy, but same lesson applies...I can only help myself.
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Old 06-10-2008, 05:53 AM
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I think this explains a lot of her behavior. My stepmom abuses pain/sleeping pills and I've had to really detach on it. It's hard, but we can't fix them.

Although I know this was nothing you wanted to hear, I'm glad you were there for your dad. It's pretty hard dealing with something like that all by yourself. Just don't have to DO anything about (actually can't do anything), so keep taking care of you. I hope your dad can take care of him, too.

Hugs and prayers to you and your family!

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Old 06-10-2008, 06:32 AM
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the girl can't help it
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Families oh gaud! This disease hits us hard within our families. I am so sorry for your dad. Ya'll take care of yourselves...prayers going out for you and your family.hugs too...
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Old 06-10-2008, 07:34 AM
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When I decided to take on my grandsons a friend of my husband's said "Now, instead of one family ruined you will ruin two". I do not understand how he could not know my son and my grandchildren ARE my family and the disease never affects one small nuclear unit. It affects are felt far and wide, I am happy to hear how well you are doing taking responsibility for you. You sound like you are doing great!
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Old 06-10-2008, 02:30 PM
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remember to breathe
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i'm sorry your dad has to deal with such a mess, I sure he knows that if he needed you that you would be there for him.

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Old 06-10-2008, 06:06 PM
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Being caught in the middle is no fun. Sometimes I feel like I wish I could take the burden and stress off of everyone else, I'd rather suffer than see my family unhappy.
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Old 06-10-2008, 06:38 PM
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I would continue to see your Dad whenever you want as long as he doesn't mind taking some heat from mom later. It would be a crime for the two of you to deprive yourselves of a great relationship because of your mom's behaviors. He will get much joy from being with you and seeing you surviving and happy. You will be a great role model for him as far as detachment goes also. It's a win-win situation, and he won't be around forever. Step away from the addicts and just love each other, whenever you can and whenever you want
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Old 06-10-2008, 07:25 PM
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Originally Posted by bigsister1982 View Post
Being caught in the middle is no fun. Sometimes I feel like I wish I could take the burden and stress off of everyone else, I'd rather suffer than see my family unhappy.
You are worth more than suffering! We have to let others make their choices, too. It's getting easier for me to step out of the middle.
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Old 06-10-2008, 07:28 PM
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My mom mentioned she would like to go with me to my meeting tomorrow.
In the past, I would have welcomed her with open arms. Now, I'm just not feeling it.
My meeting time is where I feel comfortable sharing. Then again, I should just be myself.

By the meeting time, my mom might have changed her mind.
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Old 06-10-2008, 08:23 PM
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I'm sorry you are experiencing all this. I do agree with Peaceteach; if your dad is comfortable with a little heat from your mom, share whatever time you both want together. I'm sure he would welcome the chance.
I do understand your feelings about your mom going to a meeting. The room is a special place to let go and say whatever we need to say without fear of judgement. Hugs
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Old 07-05-2008, 05:15 AM
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You should feel proud of yourself for still managing to 'put one foot forward on your own path'. I'm trying to do that myself and I feel like I'm tripping over my own shoe laces at every move, heh, so be proud of yourself.

I cant offer much advice on long term sobriety (I'm in the very early days of it myself), but my dad was alcoholic and one of my brother's is alcoholic and a former drug addict. I tried to help and support both of them, but you need help too -we all do.

It sounds like your Dad is a really special bloke. I wish him, you and your family all the best. Maybe your Dad isn't asking for help yet because you being there at all *is* helping him. If you are there for each other then that is helping each other, and him seeing you doing well will no doubt give him strength to cope with everything else.

Unfortunatly nobody can fix everything. This is what I'm trying to learn myself, but be proud of yourself for what you've achieved and the support you've offered your family too. I wish you all the best.
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