sleepygoat

I don't come around here as often as I used to, but I need a little support tonight. I have been truly refusing to allow this latest stuff to get me down, but tonight I can't help it. I just feel so sad. Don't know whether I am wallowing tonight, or whether I was in denial for the past month about my feelings. I just kept pushing them aside.

I once again tried to get in contact with my AD. Her boyfriend refused to hold up the phone and have her say 'hello' so I know she's alive (that was my request). She doesn't answer her cell when I call, or return my messages. Haven't spoken to her since before mother's day. At this point, I just want to hear her voice and know she's alive. He says "She doesn't want to fight with you and that's why she doesn't talk to you". This is something altogether new. All this past year, I was her "best friend" according to her. More revisionist history, I guess. Addicts tend to see things in a different way than they actually happened (is that an understatement or what?). He also insinuated that i was a bad mom. he said, "Nobody did anything to help her for the past 19 years...." Yeah right. But god only knows what she tells him about her (actually very happy) childhood etc.

I was so relieved when her HIV meds were working in spite of her continuing to use. But now this. I feel so rejected by her and so sad. I also wonder if the BF is deliberately trying to isolate her from her family. I know this is a pattern with abusers. Not even sure if he IS an abuser. My daughter told me in the past he had become violent with her, but she also had tried to use that to manipulate ME into not telling him this or that.... so I wonder if she just made it all up about the violence.

Regardless, I now am stuck with these feelings....
The last time I talked to her, she called me to wish me a happy birthday and was all excited about a new puppy she got. we did not 'fight' and so I am really surprised at this latest turn of events.

I know this is "small potatoes" compared to the some of the rest of your situations with your kids. I think some of the reason I don't come here as often as I used to is because reading posts makes me so sad, too. This disease is one MF, huh??

Impurrfect

awwwww, sleepy, I'm sorry. I wish I could make it better. I know I was always too ashamed and guilty to talk to anyone who wasn't in the dope world..maybe that's part of it? He is probably also filling her head with BS.

YOU know you're a good mom (and always have been), and WE know it. I hope you hear from her soon.

Sending you lots and lots of hugs and prayers!

Amy

peaceteach

It does sound like he is controlling, Sleepygoat. It's very weird and immature for a man to not allow/give access to the phone. And from reading of others' daughters in this type of relationship, it will have to be her choice to one day know when enough is enough, right? I hope you can hand this situation over to your HP today and let Him work on His timetable in reaching your daughter. Wrapping big arms around you with a hug and a prayer this morning, Sleepy. I hope you can get your mind off your daughter today for a bit and enjoy a beautiful Sunday that is all about you instead

marle

My daughter has been the same way with me. Her abf bought all the drugs so I came a distant third in her life while she was using. I imagined all kinds of scenarios in my mind to justify her lack of communication with me. In the end it all came down to the guilt and shame she was feeling. It had nothing to do with me. She just wanted to numb out and not have to feel. Talking to me made her feel the shame and guilt and she did not want to feel those things. It is a vicious cycle our daughters put themselves in when they use. Mom hugs coming your way. I know it is so hard. Hugs, Marle

grateful2b

Sleepy, I am sorry..small potatoes or not, it is just so hard sometimes..whether our AD's are in deep crisis or just incomunicado, it is a torture when we don't know. my daughter is the flip flop queen...when not using she actually attempts some communication, when using she is a stranger, a completely different person, and shuts me out at all costs..I stay outside.... and just keep praying for the day she decides to get off the ride...big , big mom hugs for you, I too find it hard to read about all of the suffering here but I come back because I must...it keeps me in my recovery....Sleepy..I miss you and love when you come to post..grateful

rozied

Yes Sleepy addiction is 1 MF'ing disease.
We can't let our AKids drain the life out of us. Focus on yourself today & give your AD to her HP.
Big Hugs From 1 Mom To Another,
Diane

Chino

Sleepy, I feel for you. Even sober and working a recovery program, my daughter had one of those revisionist history moments today. It hurt her dad and I reminded him she's still withdrawing, her brain is still scrambled. It could take a while before all the cobwebs clear out.

I'm sending you prayers for serenity and a hug just because.

BayAreaPhoenix

(((sleepy)))

You are a good Mom. I'm so sorry for your sadness, it's so understandable, that's your child, don't see how it couldn't get to you sometimes!

Prayers and hugs to you

havehope

I know how you feel and I am sending prayers your way. I hope you are feeling better as the daylight has come.
I haven't seen/heard from my daughter since Christmas. Her husband whom she met in recovery totally controls her phone, computer, etc. And yes, she allows him to do this. Yes, I was also told how horrible a mother I was. I am strong enough now that I don't believe her BS. I know I was a good mom, but it still hurts to hear those words.
I pray that one day we will again have a healthy relationship, but for now I know her HP is taking care of her. I have to go on with my life and the other relationships that god has blessed me with.
Sending more mom hugs your way.

caileesnana

Glad to see you came back. It could be her, him, who knows. It just is...I'm sorry you are hurting today. Prayers for you and yours,
susan

greeteachday

So sorry you are hurting. No matter how much we know about the disease and how crazy it makes our kids, it still hurtls like H**l when they seem to not care at all. I think sometimes we just need to feel that pain so we can walk through it. Lots of hugs and prayers for you and your daughter.

Spiritual Seeker

((((((((((((((((((sleepy))))))))))))))))))
It hurts like hell to be rejected by our own child.
IT is her disease and the company she keeps.
Some days we just can't escape the sadness.
But don't wallow there for long.
Find your way, reach out here as you have done, and to those close.
I hope you are not isolating.

Many parents find that when they completely let go,
their child seeks recovery or asks for help.
In the meantime keep working your own recovery.

Nice to hear from you. I've missed you.

sleepygoat

I did feel better today. wonder if the melatonin I took to help me sleep during the day on saturday (I work nights) contributed to the depression. This is a possible side effect. I don't take melatonin often but once in a while I really need to sleep a bit more. I'll be very mindful of if it causes me to have a night like last night again. Or it could just be my kid

I think I'm going to go to the HIV clinic on thursday and 'surprise' her when/if she shows up for her appointment. I just want to see her face and also to say a few things, like "I am still here for you if you want treatment. I will help you if Craig becomes abusive again and you want 'out', but that will also require that you get clean at the same time because there is no place for you to go where it would be OK to smoke crack.... I would like you to call me once a week. You hurt my feelings greatly by not acknowledging mother's day and by not returning my phone calls or answering your phone for over a month. I can't make you do anything, but I needed to let you know how i feel."

Do you think I can keep it that simple and direct? I think I am going to practice into a tape recorder. It may well be worth another trip to Newark to say this stuff. Or it could be I am being totally co-dependent. I am not always capable of knowing. Nevertheless, this is my plan for now.

Josie

Yes, I believe you could keep it that simple. And no it doesn't
sound codependent to me. She's your daughter and you
love her and you want her to know that.

It sounds like a good plan to me.

Spiritual Seeker

What you plan to tell her, she already knows.

If you do see her it may be best just to "Keep it Simple"
My son avoided me because he knew exactly what I was going to say and it
was always what he didn't want to hear.

I let him go for a long time.
Then when we reunited I worked on building our relationship w/o droning on abt. rehab.
Once we built our relationship to a safe place for both of us, he became more willing.

Pause and do things differently then you've been doing them.
Give it time.
This too shall pass

BigSis

What Spiritual Seeker said... perhaps write a letter saying all those things, then put it away for some other future time when she might ask to know your feelings.

She does understand your boundaries... perhaps you could just stop by the clinic with a cup of mocha from the local coffee stand. Share the drink, and leave. ((hugs)) She might be surprised by that. Could happen.


Sending loving mom hugs....from someone whose right in the middle of it too, lately.

marle

My daughter told me that she knew that I loved her and wanted her to go to rehab. She told me that she was not ready to hear the rehab part and so she avoided calling. When I stopped talking about rehab, she started talking. I don't know if that is true or only the addict speaking, but others have said the same thing. Either way, I like the idea of being there for support but only making small talk. Hugs, Marle