thisisnotmylife

My husband (a vicodin addict) has been taking suboxone for almost 2 months. He is starting to have second thoughts about taking them. The lady at the suboxone clinic is very persistant that he stays on them and increase to 4 mg. He says he feels steady at 3 mg. He has been doing a bunch of research and has been confused. He feels like he is still taking a drug and wants to do things on his own. He also is scared to death of all the reports of bad withdrawl and how they mess with the brain just like any other drug.

My husband and I have been fighting constantly. He is so out of control he can't focus on anything. He sets a timer to only allow himself so much time on the computer then he should do his homework or take care of the kids when the timer goes off he just continues to stay on the computer and neglect things that need to be done. He is barely attending meetings (maybe 1 week) His aftercare plan when he finished IOP was that he would attend 3-4 week. He has started crying that even though he stopped the vicodin he has no control over his life. He still has no time management no control over his eating, time on computer, etc. He is neglecting important things such as his kids and marriage. Am I asking for to much when I ask him to act like a husband and a father?
I feel like I am going crazy. I don't know how long I can live with this. I feel like he is never going to be able to function a normal healthy life. I tried making a marriage contract for him to sign saying he would be honest and take care of important things and procrastinate and last night he already spent more time on the computer than we said he would and he did not complete an assignment for school. A large part of me says he is always going to be like this and our family is never going to be first and I should just get divorced ASAP. Another part of me is so sad and wants it to work more than anything. Sorry if this is so scattered I just have so much in my head and don't know what to do. Any advice on how to survive this is greatly appreciated. Do I just need to wait it out? Does it take weeks, months or years for someone to be able to function normally?

hope4always

Hi Notmylife:

Persistent or not, he doesn’t have to do anything if he doesn’t want to. Whether taking it or not taking it, that’s something only he can decide. No one can force him to do anything.

As far as him just becoming a “normal” person immediately, that’s something that takes time. Depending how long the addiction was going on, it could take a year or much longer. They have to learn how to cope without them, especially if they have been using them for a long period of time. But you have to remember everyone is different.

If you two are fighting a lot, have you considered couples therapy or at the very least separate counselors for each of you? And *not* the same therapist. Each of you have your own.

If you aren’t wanting to wait until he becomes “normal”, then you’ll have to make that decision whether or not you want to remain married. Recovery is a life long commitment by the recovering addict. You are the only person who can decide for yourself if remaining with a recovering addict is what you really want.

NeedingHelp7

Hi TINML,

My husband took suboxone for a period of time after a detox last year. He said he hates the stuff. Personally, my feeling is, it may have nothing to do with the suboxone, but the w/d's he was hating. He was blaming the suboxone for how he felt. He returned to hydrocodone (vicodine) soon after, and now he has upped that to percocet.

No it's not crazy, but you may not see the "real" him for some time. No matter how much I demanded, resented, got angry or cried for my AH do this or that, it didn't work. I couldn't control even his daily habits. There finally came a day I stopped expecting, and accepted that he couldn't love us the way we needed him. Do I still get angry about that, yes. Will my anger change it, probably not. "Love, friendship and connectedness" was our biggest loss.

Hoping your AH gets to more meetings.

I don't know if you have attended alanon, or naranon (if in your area). It's been helpful for me. I'm still not "steady as she goes" yet, but I'm getting there. In fact, I could make a great amusement park with all the rollercoasters I've been on.

I hope things get better for you and AH.

Blessings,
NH7

rahsue

if he were to go back to meetings on a regular bases he wouldn't have the feelings he has, they would talk him through things. tell him it would benefit him to go to the meetings and get a sponsor. I believe this to be crucial for recovery.

good luck

thisisnotmylife

The nearest naranon is at least 45 minutes away from me. I tried to attend a chit chat for family and friends in recovery. I felt like I didn't belong and I actually felt worse after attending. It was mostly parents of addicts and they were all doing great and were seperating themselves from the addict (hard to do when married). They also kept talking about all the relapses each one had and it scared me to death!! The parents in there all new each other and had been in the group for a long time. I feel like this site is my only hope for a little help and support. I have been trying to get into counseling but it is taking forever to get an appointment and then be able to keep it.

Emimily

READ THE BIG BOOK!

I know he's an addict, not an alcoholic, but pleeeeease... read the chapter "To Wives" (keep in mind it was written in the 30s) and "The Family Afterward". Screw that, read the whole 164 pages. Then read the NA basic text, which was written after Alcoholics Anonymous was written. It'll shed a LOT of light into the addiction disease.

Suboxone is a great tool for folks who are only abusing opiates. I heard a presentation from one of the drug reps as well as one of my favorite IOP directors here in town, and it sounds like a pretty decent little miracle for opiate abusers. Granted, there needs to be a program of recovery in place as well, but the medication sounds like it helps the withdrawals from opiate quelled. The other thing I learned was that if opiate addicts try to use while on the Suboxone, they don't get a high. And, the way that Suboxone is chemically compounded, patients can't get a buzz from it.

Anyway. Best of luck with counseling and I hope you keep posting...

Cupicake

It really depends on the individual but I can tell you a bit of what I went through. You have to understand that nothing in life including the joy of what a good family unit would bring can take the place of what their DOC made them feel or not feel. That's a lot for them to get past. Try thinking differently than how you normally think..it takes a true conscious effort. My exah got clean and went back to using several times...the last time he was clean and in recovery for seven months. He eventually went back to using. During that time I saw glimpses of the man that I knew for the last 14 years but of course I did because his thinking and/or perceptions didn't change much. He was still a very negative person. Changing the way he thinks is very important in his recovery because his mind is always geared to think negatively. Recovery doesn't take just a few months...it's life long. Our own recovery from living with their addiction doesn't emerge that quickly either....it also does not have an end point. Once you get into the depths of your own thinking and how you perceive things and tackle life's issues you will see yourself in a different light. We take small steps towards it...they have to do the same. Keep focusing on you and eventually you will answer your own questions. I know what it is to want someone to tell you what you should be doing and what will work but what works for one doesn't work for another. And even if someone did tell you what to do it most likely wouldn't sound like the right recourse for you. Everyone works on their own timetable. Also keep in mind that while you are trying to take control of his life you are losing control of your own. You can not control him but you can do what you can for you.

rahsue

I know how you feel regarding the meetings, it was the exact same way when I went they all knew each other and knew how to distant themselves and it was like a matter of factly attitude when I asked how, almost as if to say to me "you dope, just do it" so I didn't go back and there isn't another one very close to me either. so here I am, I consider this website my meetings, I read everyday. I may not post or reply but I read every single day. BTW have I told you guys how much I love you all, lol !!!!!

Ranaynay

My husband is still on suboxone - has been on it a year and will be done in 3-4 months. It has helped him through some rough times. He was a vicodin/morphine addict. All of our situation came to light about 15 months ago.
The problem as of late is he has dabbled with Xanax. Suboxone is an opiate blocker not a benzo blocker.... anyway, that is my story not an answer to your questions.....

I am at a point where I am about to throw in the towel. We have 2 younger girls 8 and 5. He is not going to meetings, he denies the xanax (though I am not an idiot - I know the difference between being on something and "tired") and I am just about at the point where I am done with it all.

We have been through hell the last 15 months. I stuck with him through rehab, through the loss of our house, moving, getting a new job and starting over. We've been to counseling. When things are going well they are going really well. Then he just starts to act "off" and I have been down that road too many times before. The lying, the denial. He says he will change.....I just don't feel like he is putting forth the effort toward his recovery. It is so hard because we've been married 10 years, have 2 girls and besides this HUGE issue, we have had a good marriage.

I know I can't change him and I am tired of trying. I need to do what makes me happy. I will always love him but I can't stand the "addict" him. This isn't what I want for MY life.

I don't know if I helped at all! I just kind of blabbed about myself. It sounds like we have somewhat similar situations.

thisisnotmylife

Ranaynay- we certainly do have a similar situation. We have been married 8 years this month and have 2 boys ages 6 and 3 years. My husband is also on suboxone. I like to hear that someone else can relate to what I am going through.


Can he still get effects from xanax even though on suboxone? Don't they drug test him to get his suboxone refill? How did they determine how long he would be on suboxone?

I agree when things are well they are even better than they have been in years but then reality hits and I don't feel like being nice anymore. I become distant almost to protect myself.

Well I hope things get better for you soon!

ZombieWife

I agree that he may not be his old self for some time. He has to learn how to function without the drugs. It's a scary thing, giving yourself up to your recovery.

I remember when my father quit drinking (been sober for 20 years now.) He was living with a woman (his ex-wife who I will refer to as Satan.) Satan drank and continued to drink even though he was going to AA meetings. She told him numerous times, "I like you better when you drink." "If you don't drink, I'll leave." Nice for recovery, huh?

You can't have the old person back with the snap of your fingers. Think about all you've demanded of him (just to quit) and now you are demanding more. I think it's GOOD that he maintains some kind of disciplined life, even if it's small things, but maybe he feels like he's been born all over again and he's being shoved out of the nest before his wings are ready. It's different for everyone.

Some people do drugs to cope with a strained life: too much to do, too much responsibility. I try not to push my husband too much because (through therapy with the both of us,) I discovered that the pressure on him was so much that he felt meth was his only method of keeping up with everything. He admits it was a poor choice and he doesn't use that situation as an excuse, but being overwhelmed is also a trigger for him to want to use. He has gotten better at telling me, "this is too much right now, I have to regroup and gather my thoughts." That is his code for telling me he's thinking of using just to get the energy to get things done.

It's been about 10 months now. He's better, but it's taken a LOT of time. Some week-ends, he's still off and not himself and can't get much done. Other days, he pushes himself more and forces himself to get up and be productive. It was bad at first. It did get better.

The only thing I can offer is to try and get him outside now and then: go to the park, get some sunshine. As silly as that sounds, it can help someone's mood immensely and light a small fire under them. If they just sit in front of a computer and wallow, that will just perpetuate a non-activity cycle. Sleep begets sleep for some.

As for the "detaching" and being married. It is possible and it IS possible for you to leave. It's just not your choice to do so. Nothing wrong with that, but it is a choice and it's yours.

And many addicts relapse. The more times they go back, the longer they stay in recovery, the better the chance. It's not a magical 30-day spell for some. For some, it requires falling off that horse and getting up over and over again until you realize that it's easier to stay ON the horse than to pick yourself up again.